...when the world ends, and you'll take Mine.
'Cause when it all ends, I want you to be free- free like [I made you to be]."
Cary Brothers, 'Free Like You Make Me'
It's a love story, isn't it?
A love story, starring God. It's really all about Him anyways. We, mankind, are the undeserving woman, but one He pursues and sacrificed to save. We are the proud, forcibly independent, unfaithful woman that may never love Him back or understand His goodness and reasoning behind it all, that He chooses to love anyways. He blesses us in so many ways and we choose to call it 'coincidence' or 'luck.' We live as though bound, as though our life is our own...when we should live freely, as we were made to live; without fear of death, for what is to come is a clean bill.
He's not asking us to sit around and be boring. This whole world is His, meaning, because we are heirs, that the whole world is ours. If we explore, if we just go and we learn, or we grow, or we touch others lives or they touch ours, tell me what part of that is bad? I was realizing this as I was watching the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty this evening.
1) It's not about us finding out that we have this amazing talent that someone else has that we think is really cool. We find what we are supposed to do. What we excel at. Be you, not someone else.
2) There are people that will help us on our way. They might not be the people we expect, or society expects/approves of, but they are there for a reason.
3) The biggest thing holding you back is yourself. If you keep saying or thinking that you can't do something, you'll never try. Sometimes you gotta let go a little and just ride. You're more than you know.
4) There isn't some one "right way" to do life. Sure, a lot of people have this specific life order and yeah most people follow it but it's truthfully different for everyone. So, you don't want to do anything with your degree. So, you don't have an immediate plan for when you graduate. End of the world? NO. Now keep telling yourself that. And don't give up.
5) God is here for you. HERE. Not waiting at the end to see if you make it down the "right path" or not. He's here every step of the way. And He loves you just like the confused person you are.
He made us to be free. So why do we act and feel so tied up all the time? WE'RE FREE.
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Reasons why...
...I haven't been updating my blog. I made a promise to myself that I was going to post more often, mostly because I'm excited about blogging but also because I want people to know my heart, and even more, God's heart for the world.
As I sat down to post on Saturday, I realized I had way too much to say. Which got my gears turning...leading to a bigger project that I've been spending my time on. But I'm not revealing anything yet! (Mostly, in case I fail, I don't want anyone to know what exactly, or to what extent, I failed at it.)
It's been hard to gather my thoughts. What I'll say though, is that it all started with a song. A song called "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen. A song that is raw and real and is this guy Noah simply asking God questions. He's really troubled by a lot of what he's learned from growing up in the church, and the liberal changes in society and what Jesus would have to say about all of it.
They are questions that so many people nowadays are asking.
It really got me thinking. Then I wondered about how people feel about this God that they don't even admit they might believe in...and realized that most people are mad. Most people are really angry at God, for a whole variety of reasons. I want to address this because anger at God is something that everyone, I think, has experienced, whether they are a strong Bible-based Christian, atheist, or Muslim (etc).
We've all been mad at Him.
Why?
Reason #1: We don't understand His character.
Reason #2: We don't understand His plan; we have a very short-sighted perspective.
Reason #3: We think we deserve something from Him.
Reason #4: You don't understand how a "loving" God could allow suffering in the world.
Reason #5: We are upset that He's just "barged" into our lives without our permission.
Reason #6: We can't understand why there would be so many religions claiming to be the right one. (Like, why couldn't He have made it clear?)
Reason #7: (Continuation of #6) We are upset that He says that there is only one way to heaven, and all other ways are futile and lead to hell.
Reason #8: Bad things have happened to some of the best people you know (or you), and you can't understand why.
Reason #9: You've been mistreated by a group of people who claim to love God.
Reason #10: We are mad about all the rules in the Old Testament, like against same sex interactions, or the practices that were "okay" back then, that God seemed to "support," like slavery.
There are, of course, more specific reasons, but I think these cover the majority. But I think the main reason people are mad at God is because we don't really understand Him. We don't understand the history of Him and us; His true, loving intentions/His heart for the world; what giving us "free will" meant for Him and for us; or that He has always been here, created us, gave His son to save us, so really doesn't owe us anything and is not some imposition on our lives. We don't understand that He is like a father and sometimes we have to try things and hurt ourselves to really learn the meaning of something or how to do it right.
But that's just a little snippet of what I've been working on. I'll keep sharing, of course!
Random, but admission time.....I've also realized that if I'm planning on attending seminary (and in general for morality's sake), I should probably stop with all the cussing. I don't know why I keep doing it or when I decided it was okay. Gah. It's hard to stop once you're used to it!
That's all for now. Back to studying! Much love.
Peace & Blessings
As I sat down to post on Saturday, I realized I had way too much to say. Which got my gears turning...leading to a bigger project that I've been spending my time on. But I'm not revealing anything yet! (Mostly, in case I fail, I don't want anyone to know what exactly, or to what extent, I failed at it.)
It's been hard to gather my thoughts. What I'll say though, is that it all started with a song. A song called "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen. A song that is raw and real and is this guy Noah simply asking God questions. He's really troubled by a lot of what he's learned from growing up in the church, and the liberal changes in society and what Jesus would have to say about all of it.
They are questions that so many people nowadays are asking.
It really got me thinking. Then I wondered about how people feel about this God that they don't even admit they might believe in...and realized that most people are mad. Most people are really angry at God, for a whole variety of reasons. I want to address this because anger at God is something that everyone, I think, has experienced, whether they are a strong Bible-based Christian, atheist, or Muslim (etc).
We've all been mad at Him.
Why?
Reason #1: We don't understand His character.
Reason #2: We don't understand His plan; we have a very short-sighted perspective.
Reason #3: We think we deserve something from Him.
Reason #4: You don't understand how a "loving" God could allow suffering in the world.
Reason #5: We are upset that He's just "barged" into our lives without our permission.
Reason #6: We can't understand why there would be so many religions claiming to be the right one. (Like, why couldn't He have made it clear?)
Reason #7: (Continuation of #6) We are upset that He says that there is only one way to heaven, and all other ways are futile and lead to hell.
Reason #8: Bad things have happened to some of the best people you know (or you), and you can't understand why.
Reason #9: You've been mistreated by a group of people who claim to love God.
Reason #10: We are mad about all the rules in the Old Testament, like against same sex interactions, or the practices that were "okay" back then, that God seemed to "support," like slavery.
There are, of course, more specific reasons, but I think these cover the majority. But I think the main reason people are mad at God is because we don't really understand Him. We don't understand the history of Him and us; His true, loving intentions/His heart for the world; what giving us "free will" meant for Him and for us; or that He has always been here, created us, gave His son to save us, so really doesn't owe us anything and is not some imposition on our lives. We don't understand that He is like a father and sometimes we have to try things and hurt ourselves to really learn the meaning of something or how to do it right.
But that's just a little snippet of what I've been working on. I'll keep sharing, of course!
Random, but admission time.....I've also realized that if I'm planning on attending seminary (and in general for morality's sake), I should probably stop with all the cussing. I don't know why I keep doing it or when I decided it was okay. Gah. It's hard to stop once you're used to it!
That's all for now. Back to studying! Much love.
Peace & Blessings
Monday, December 2, 2013
Meant to be- Packing Light
This is crazy.
So in my last post I wrote something I hadn't even meant to write- that I felt safe and comfortable here, but in all that there was still something yearning...like this wasn't it. There was something else.
And who would have guessed but that night, Tuesday night, I decided to listen to an audiobook I'd downloaded a week or so before, titled Packing Light by Allison Vesterfelt. First off, it was strange that I would have downloaded an ebook off Noise Trade anyways; I usually scroll right past those thinking, there's no way I have time to listen to a whole book so why bother? But the name of this one and the picture caught me- Packing Light and an overflowing suitcase. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about living minimalistically (which my computer is telling me is not a word, it probably should be minimally, but I'm keeping it). What do I really NEED? And when am I wanting something and not needing it? Do I really need 10 pairs of jeans and 20 sweatshirts? (Guilty...) Do I need two guitars? Do I need so many shoes? Do I really need to be eating out as often as I do?
What I'm realizing is that we treat our "wants" like our "needs," and so our true needs never get met. Unconditional love, a feeling of security, a sense of purpose (or that we're part of something bigger than ourselves), help (emotional or otherwise), a true friend to confide in....many of these are ignored or are things we shove to the back of our minds because most of them aren't tangible or we just don't have time for "feelings" or our other seemingly insignificant problems. We're an incredibly needy society that's been tricked into believing we need other things more.
Not to mention that we can't even address the problem because we're either scared to or we don't know where to start.
But I've gotten really off track. What I meant to say was that Allison's book was addressing just this- when do we have too much? Can we live with less? What does it mean to pack light? And what will we learn about ourselves when we're depending on God far more than we are depending on our own means to get us through the next day? What will we learn about God?
Gah, I wish I could listen to the book on repeat until the good messages fully sink in so deep that I can quote them.
The book meant a lot to me, in a lot of the same ways that Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller did a few months ago. It made me feel not so alone in all this, as I'm prone to feeling. That other people have had ideas as crazy as mine, but have actually acted on them and survived. Not only survived, but changed. For the better, that is. That other people are sitting in their comfortable lives as well and are still thinking, is there more? Well, is there?
It got me excited, in the way I get excited every time I hear a new song and decide that it would be a perfect staring-out-the-window-during-a-long-road-trip song. Excited because it was another example of how God really does provide for people that ask Him for that. I've always been worried about finances (been much more aware of it lately) and with the thought of support-raising for a possible summer in Honduras for a Leadership Training (LT) program I've been terrified. But if they can make it around the country on barely anything and have God provide through people, even absolute strangers, then I think He can provide for a two-month internship.
I could write about this book forever. I feel...different. Something inside of me has honestly shifted. I don't know what but I just feel different. In a good way. A healthy way. And it really does make me want to pursue God even more. It's just been hard to keep myself open to Him...my autopilot mode is to be closed off and it's been difficult changing that/adjusting. But He is good and faithful. I am in good hands (and it's not Allstate!).
Peace & Blessings
So in my last post I wrote something I hadn't even meant to write- that I felt safe and comfortable here, but in all that there was still something yearning...like this wasn't it. There was something else.
And who would have guessed but that night, Tuesday night, I decided to listen to an audiobook I'd downloaded a week or so before, titled Packing Light by Allison Vesterfelt. First off, it was strange that I would have downloaded an ebook off Noise Trade anyways; I usually scroll right past those thinking, there's no way I have time to listen to a whole book so why bother? But the name of this one and the picture caught me- Packing Light and an overflowing suitcase. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about living minimalistically (which my computer is telling me is not a word, it probably should be minimally, but I'm keeping it). What do I really NEED? And when am I wanting something and not needing it? Do I really need 10 pairs of jeans and 20 sweatshirts? (Guilty...) Do I need two guitars? Do I need so many shoes? Do I really need to be eating out as often as I do?
What I'm realizing is that we treat our "wants" like our "needs," and so our true needs never get met. Unconditional love, a feeling of security, a sense of purpose (or that we're part of something bigger than ourselves), help (emotional or otherwise), a true friend to confide in....many of these are ignored or are things we shove to the back of our minds because most of them aren't tangible or we just don't have time for "feelings" or our other seemingly insignificant problems. We're an incredibly needy society that's been tricked into believing we need other things more.
Not to mention that we can't even address the problem because we're either scared to or we don't know where to start.
But I've gotten really off track. What I meant to say was that Allison's book was addressing just this- when do we have too much? Can we live with less? What does it mean to pack light? And what will we learn about ourselves when we're depending on God far more than we are depending on our own means to get us through the next day? What will we learn about God?
Gah, I wish I could listen to the book on repeat until the good messages fully sink in so deep that I can quote them.
The book meant a lot to me, in a lot of the same ways that Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller did a few months ago. It made me feel not so alone in all this, as I'm prone to feeling. That other people have had ideas as crazy as mine, but have actually acted on them and survived. Not only survived, but changed. For the better, that is. That other people are sitting in their comfortable lives as well and are still thinking, is there more? Well, is there?
It got me excited, in the way I get excited every time I hear a new song and decide that it would be a perfect staring-out-the-window-during-a-long-road-trip song. Excited because it was another example of how God really does provide for people that ask Him for that. I've always been worried about finances (been much more aware of it lately) and with the thought of support-raising for a possible summer in Honduras for a Leadership Training (LT) program I've been terrified. But if they can make it around the country on barely anything and have God provide through people, even absolute strangers, then I think He can provide for a two-month internship.
I could write about this book forever. I feel...different. Something inside of me has honestly shifted. I don't know what but I just feel different. In a good way. A healthy way. And it really does make me want to pursue God even more. It's just been hard to keep myself open to Him...my autopilot mode is to be closed off and it's been difficult changing that/adjusting. But He is good and faithful. I am in good hands (and it's not Allstate!).
Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Still Transforming
The future feels more tangible now.
More fear is turning into faith.
But as the future becomes more tangible, so does the reality of leaving the people I love here in Columbus, in Wadsworth.
We like to keep things steady. Keep things the way they are because we feel safe in that place. I feel safe here...though not quite fulfilled. There's always something yearning, though I don't know exactly what for.
But I digress...what I actually meant to talk about was how excited I am about the changes I am seeing all around me (ironic, considering what I just said above). I have never felt God so much in one place. Through the stories of life transformation we hear at church every Sunday, seeing people respond to community needs and suffering all over the world, to people in h2o loving on each other just because. I see people with a constant burning passion for God, a passion that allows them to serve and love and live a life on mission. Every day I am seeing people slowly changing into the people God wants them to be. And that reminds me that this here, this is a beautiful world.
I think too much of the bad, of the selfish, and not enough of the good that you can see in little pockets of the world. And I think good deeds and love can be spread almost as easily as selfishness and hate.
I have to keep thinking that, or I'm scared that all hope is lost.
But it is a beautiful world because no matter what, God is still changing hearts. And those hearts can change others and before you know it, we're all loving on each other and supporting each other.
Much love. Peace & Blessings
More fear is turning into faith.
But as the future becomes more tangible, so does the reality of leaving the people I love here in Columbus, in Wadsworth.
We like to keep things steady. Keep things the way they are because we feel safe in that place. I feel safe here...though not quite fulfilled. There's always something yearning, though I don't know exactly what for.
But I digress...what I actually meant to talk about was how excited I am about the changes I am seeing all around me (ironic, considering what I just said above). I have never felt God so much in one place. Through the stories of life transformation we hear at church every Sunday, seeing people respond to community needs and suffering all over the world, to people in h2o loving on each other just because. I see people with a constant burning passion for God, a passion that allows them to serve and love and live a life on mission. Every day I am seeing people slowly changing into the people God wants them to be. And that reminds me that this here, this is a beautiful world.
I think too much of the bad, of the selfish, and not enough of the good that you can see in little pockets of the world. And I think good deeds and love can be spread almost as easily as selfishness and hate.
I have to keep thinking that, or I'm scared that all hope is lost.
But it is a beautiful world because no matter what, God is still changing hearts. And those hearts can change others and before you know it, we're all loving on each other and supporting each other.
Much love. Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 17, 2013
First World "problems" Rant
So much going on in my mind right now.
Mostly having to do with this whole thing of "first world problems" and this generation....but God's love and grace too. You have to take the first with the second in mind or I think you'd go crazy. (See paragraphs below for evidence of this, haha.)
It makes me feel hopeless sometimes. Okay...when I say sometimes, I mean more like every time I really let my mind meditate on the state of this world. It's the reason I don't want to bring children into this world (rather, I've been thinking a lot more about adoption; they're already in it).
It sickens me. We are broken, awful, wretched, hateful people that don't give a care in the world for anyone but ourselves and maybe a few others (please know that I am including myself here). We are the luckiest and most blessed people in the world - financially, provisionally, and governmentally (freedoms). So what do we do? We complain. We ask for, no, demand more. We go on with our lives thinking that we can satisfy our cravings with the next gadget, the next culinary expedition, or the next relationship. And we do all this while glued to our phones that we "can't live without," while looking through our overly stocked pantries saying "I've got nothing to eat," while skipping classes and complaining about how much we "have" to learn, while begging our parents for a little more money or digging into our savings so that we can keep up eating out as much as we do (guilty), while dating in an attempt to "satisfy" our need to be loved physically and emotionally, binge drinking because that's how you "fit in" around here or because you just can't bear all the stress, while meeting people and developing relationships just to get ahead, and spending our free time plopped on the couch watching Netflix or scrolling through Buzzfeed.
We don't care about people. We care about ourselves and our happiness. But, perhaps what starts to scare each of us at a different time in our own life is that no matter what we do, what we get, we can't make ourselves truly happy. I think most of the time when we say we're "really quite happy," we're lying to ourselves. (I just realized that this sounds extremely cynical and depressing...bear with me. It's the mood I'm in; heck, it's just the truth of the world.) Happiness is fleeting; what we really, honestly crave is JOY not HAPPINESS. And guess what? JOY is not going to come out of a self-centered, worldly life. If anything, that is something I'm sure of. Joy is born of hope. And if there's one thing this world can't offer us, it's an everlasting hope.
Then this "first world problems" thing that's been popular recently...have we no shame?! It's in the name...that it's not really a problem at all. Yet the popularity of the saying has given us a reason to say all these stupid problems anyways. Example: "Ended up watching a TV show I didn't want to watch because the remote was out of reach. #firstworldproblems"
Like I said....have we no shame?
It's not a secret that there are millions of children around the world suffering in the agony of unadulterated starvation every day. Yet we have the audacity to say after a few hours without a meal that we're "absolutely starving" and then go on to indulge our hunger with a humungous Chipotle burrito that we didn't even think about not having the money for which to pay. I think, honestly, what this saying is doing is helping us further increase the distance between our world and the world that hungers, that suffers injustices of basic human rights, that has never known a functional society, that doesn't even have the access to clean water...
Let's be honest. I think most of us do want to get away from those "third world problems." We don't want to have to think about anything that makes us uncomfortable, that makes us question the way we've been richly living and frivolously spending our entire lives, that challenges our basic beliefs, because if we are okay with letting these people die of starvation when we throw away half a meal because we "don't like eating leftovers," that makes us look like not-so-good people. And we don't want to think that we aren't good people, because when the cashier asks if you'd like to donate a dollar to some charity you say why not? and you volunteered for a few hours on MLK day and oh yeah, you lent your friend $20 and never asked for it back...and so this, this folly to not help those who are literally living off of nothing, this makes us bad people and we can't quite be okay with that.
We live our lives thinking that there are good people, and there are bad people.
Guess what? I think that as long as there are people suffering out there, we are all bad people. Plus, we've all sinned...our sins might be different from our neighbor's sins, but they are still sins. There is something we must understand before we can change: WE ARE BAD PEOPLE. From birth. There's no escape from it.
God...Jesus...they know it. They knew it well enough to know that we needed saving. God didn't want His creation, His most wonderful work, to be eternally separated from Him because of our human nature that leads to mistakes and sin and tragedy. Jesus took it on himself to die the most horrible of deaths so that we didn't have to be separate- that we could be seen in God's eyes as GOOD. Blameless. Holy. Pure. Righteous. Though it is so clear that we are not.
And THAT my friends, THAT is why there is hope.
So you ask, what does that have to do with anything else you've been talking about?
Everything. We have been shown incredible amounts of mercy and love and grace. What do we do with that? Most of us show it to others a little...but mostly just sit there with it, scared that if we do anything it'll get noticed and taken away or something silly like that. What are we to do? SHOW IT. God has shown us mercy...so we can show others mercy. God has loved us...so that we can show love to other people.
Jesus gave us a charge- to care for the widow, the orphan, the poor, the powerless.
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.
Hebrews 13:1-2 Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.
We are called to take care of people. We don't do it well. I want to do it better. But I can't do it alone! It is God in me, the Holy Spirit, that empowers me to serve, that has given me a love and a passion for it. Others in the body of the church encourage me and serve with me. I hope that I can get others excited about serving too. That is my goal. I love seeing people on fire for service! I think it is the most beautiful quality. That and humility. (Though I feel like they go hand in hand usually, though I still work on the humility part myself...I can be quite proud.)
Like I told my youth pastor back in 7th grade at a youth conference (I don't know if you remember this, Kaye!), I want to change the world. But by loving and serving, and getting people excited about the two, not by earthly power. And only through God, because I know I don't have what it takes to do this on my own. God has a plan, and I might just be a little part, but I am PSYCHED to be a little part :)
If you guys see me and I am not living this out...remind me of it! Rebuke me in love! I need it!
Much love. Peace & Blessings
Mostly having to do with this whole thing of "first world problems" and this generation....but God's love and grace too. You have to take the first with the second in mind or I think you'd go crazy. (See paragraphs below for evidence of this, haha.)
It makes me feel hopeless sometimes. Okay...when I say sometimes, I mean more like every time I really let my mind meditate on the state of this world. It's the reason I don't want to bring children into this world (rather, I've been thinking a lot more about adoption; they're already in it).
It sickens me. We are broken, awful, wretched, hateful people that don't give a care in the world for anyone but ourselves and maybe a few others (please know that I am including myself here). We are the luckiest and most blessed people in the world - financially, provisionally, and governmentally (freedoms). So what do we do? We complain. We ask for, no, demand more. We go on with our lives thinking that we can satisfy our cravings with the next gadget, the next culinary expedition, or the next relationship. And we do all this while glued to our phones that we "can't live without," while looking through our overly stocked pantries saying "I've got nothing to eat," while skipping classes and complaining about how much we "have" to learn, while begging our parents for a little more money or digging into our savings so that we can keep up eating out as much as we do (guilty), while dating in an attempt to "satisfy" our need to be loved physically and emotionally, binge drinking because that's how you "fit in" around here or because you just can't bear all the stress, while meeting people and developing relationships just to get ahead, and spending our free time plopped on the couch watching Netflix or scrolling through Buzzfeed.
We don't care about people. We care about ourselves and our happiness. But, perhaps what starts to scare each of us at a different time in our own life is that no matter what we do, what we get, we can't make ourselves truly happy. I think most of the time when we say we're "really quite happy," we're lying to ourselves. (I just realized that this sounds extremely cynical and depressing...bear with me. It's the mood I'm in; heck, it's just the truth of the world.) Happiness is fleeting; what we really, honestly crave is JOY not HAPPINESS. And guess what? JOY is not going to come out of a self-centered, worldly life. If anything, that is something I'm sure of. Joy is born of hope. And if there's one thing this world can't offer us, it's an everlasting hope.
Then this "first world problems" thing that's been popular recently...have we no shame?! It's in the name...that it's not really a problem at all. Yet the popularity of the saying has given us a reason to say all these stupid problems anyways. Example: "Ended up watching a TV show I didn't want to watch because the remote was out of reach. #firstworldproblems"
Like I said....have we no shame?
It's not a secret that there are millions of children around the world suffering in the agony of unadulterated starvation every day. Yet we have the audacity to say after a few hours without a meal that we're "absolutely starving" and then go on to indulge our hunger with a humungous Chipotle burrito that we didn't even think about not having the money for which to pay. I think, honestly, what this saying is doing is helping us further increase the distance between our world and the world that hungers, that suffers injustices of basic human rights, that has never known a functional society, that doesn't even have the access to clean water...
Let's be honest. I think most of us do want to get away from those "third world problems." We don't want to have to think about anything that makes us uncomfortable, that makes us question the way we've been richly living and frivolously spending our entire lives, that challenges our basic beliefs, because if we are okay with letting these people die of starvation when we throw away half a meal because we "don't like eating leftovers," that makes us look like not-so-good people. And we don't want to think that we aren't good people, because when the cashier asks if you'd like to donate a dollar to some charity you say why not? and you volunteered for a few hours on MLK day and oh yeah, you lent your friend $20 and never asked for it back...and so this, this folly to not help those who are literally living off of nothing, this makes us bad people and we can't quite be okay with that.
We live our lives thinking that there are good people, and there are bad people.
Guess what? I think that as long as there are people suffering out there, we are all bad people. Plus, we've all sinned...our sins might be different from our neighbor's sins, but they are still sins. There is something we must understand before we can change: WE ARE BAD PEOPLE. From birth. There's no escape from it.
God...Jesus...they know it. They knew it well enough to know that we needed saving. God didn't want His creation, His most wonderful work, to be eternally separated from Him because of our human nature that leads to mistakes and sin and tragedy. Jesus took it on himself to die the most horrible of deaths so that we didn't have to be separate- that we could be seen in God's eyes as GOOD. Blameless. Holy. Pure. Righteous. Though it is so clear that we are not.
And THAT my friends, THAT is why there is hope.
So you ask, what does that have to do with anything else you've been talking about?
Everything. We have been shown incredible amounts of mercy and love and grace. What do we do with that? Most of us show it to others a little...but mostly just sit there with it, scared that if we do anything it'll get noticed and taken away or something silly like that. What are we to do? SHOW IT. God has shown us mercy...so we can show others mercy. God has loved us...so that we can show love to other people.
Jesus gave us a charge- to care for the widow, the orphan, the poor, the powerless.
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.
Hebrews 13:1-2 Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.
We are called to take care of people. We don't do it well. I want to do it better. But I can't do it alone! It is God in me, the Holy Spirit, that empowers me to serve, that has given me a love and a passion for it. Others in the body of the church encourage me and serve with me. I hope that I can get others excited about serving too. That is my goal. I love seeing people on fire for service! I think it is the most beautiful quality. That and humility. (Though I feel like they go hand in hand usually, though I still work on the humility part myself...I can be quite proud.)
Like I told my youth pastor back in 7th grade at a youth conference (I don't know if you remember this, Kaye!), I want to change the world. But by loving and serving, and getting people excited about the two, not by earthly power. And only through God, because I know I don't have what it takes to do this on my own. God has a plan, and I might just be a little part, but I am PSYCHED to be a little part :)
If you guys see me and I am not living this out...remind me of it! Rebuke me in love! I need it!
Much love. Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Different.
Today's sermon was great. There were some wonderful questions posed:
How have you seen God protecting you in your life?
How has God been providing for you?
Have we given up hope that there is someone out there that is always going to be there (i.e., God)?
I'll try to go into some of these in another post. What I wanted to talk about before I fall asleep is the activity we did at the end of the sermon. Our pastor asked us to take little cards out of our bulletins and use them like a "thank you" card to God for all he's done for us, because it's been a lot. I was able to open up more to him about why I'm scared about the future and how I feel about everything going on that seems to be threatening what I thought He was asking me to do. I hadn't really talked to Him about it so I think it was much needed and refreshing.
And what hit me was that the main reason (or at least, one of them) that I was so concerned about having my whole future figured out now was because that's just what the world expects. Waiting for God to respond and just being patient for that in the meantime is borderline if not full out crazy in our world. And so I'm scared how the world (which, being raised here, much of that is in me too) will react to me not being figured out, to me not loving money and not craving a regular job that allows me to provide for the "standard" family that one must have.
It was at that moment I realized how thankful I was that God is not like this world. He is all the things the world doesn't quite understand: unwavering love that does not choose, peace beyond anything we could imagine, and so much more. He is the Father that has never harmed us or insulted us or let us down, even on accident. Not even once. And you know what? That is so awesome. And we can't really understand it. Billy Graham said this: "There's a lot of things about salvation I don't understand. But that's okay." We don't get it but I think that's part of the magic.
We also talked about His sacrifice on the cross and how since He's given His son, why would He withhold any small thing? (Answer: if it's not for our good, which is a whole other blog post sometime later.) This chorus in a song during communion this morning broke me down when I really let the words sink in:
Oh to be like You,
Give all I have just to know you,
Jesus there's no one besides You,
Forever the hope in my heart.
He really gave everything. Just to know us. Even for the people he knew were never going to love Him. Simply. Amazing.
But I need to sleep now. I apologize if this is jumbled (took Benadryl, hardly awake).
Peace & Blessings
How have you seen God protecting you in your life?
How has God been providing for you?
Have we given up hope that there is someone out there that is always going to be there (i.e., God)?
I'll try to go into some of these in another post. What I wanted to talk about before I fall asleep is the activity we did at the end of the sermon. Our pastor asked us to take little cards out of our bulletins and use them like a "thank you" card to God for all he's done for us, because it's been a lot. I was able to open up more to him about why I'm scared about the future and how I feel about everything going on that seems to be threatening what I thought He was asking me to do. I hadn't really talked to Him about it so I think it was much needed and refreshing.
And what hit me was that the main reason (or at least, one of them) that I was so concerned about having my whole future figured out now was because that's just what the world expects. Waiting for God to respond and just being patient for that in the meantime is borderline if not full out crazy in our world. And so I'm scared how the world (which, being raised here, much of that is in me too) will react to me not being figured out, to me not loving money and not craving a regular job that allows me to provide for the "standard" family that one must have.
It was at that moment I realized how thankful I was that God is not like this world. He is all the things the world doesn't quite understand: unwavering love that does not choose, peace beyond anything we could imagine, and so much more. He is the Father that has never harmed us or insulted us or let us down, even on accident. Not even once. And you know what? That is so awesome. And we can't really understand it. Billy Graham said this: "There's a lot of things about salvation I don't understand. But that's okay." We don't get it but I think that's part of the magic.
We also talked about His sacrifice on the cross and how since He's given His son, why would He withhold any small thing? (Answer: if it's not for our good, which is a whole other blog post sometime later.) This chorus in a song during communion this morning broke me down when I really let the words sink in:
Oh to be like You,
Give all I have just to know you,
Jesus there's no one besides You,
Forever the hope in my heart.
He really gave everything. Just to know us. Even for the people he knew were never going to love Him. Simply. Amazing.
But I need to sleep now. I apologize if this is jumbled (took Benadryl, hardly awake).
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Been learning so much!
Here are some things that have been wonderful reminders to me in the last few days:
1) "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b
That is so personal. So loving. So comforting! We are never alone. God promises to be right with us, right by our sides always, all the way to the end. SURELY He is with us ALWAYS.
2) Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me.
I put this in the post before, but it's so good. Even when our life situation isn't the best, God is still good. That is pretty cool to know. We are anchored in truth, in love, in a God that never changes, never fails, and never stops loving on us. He REMAINS. He SUSTAINS.
3) Life and heart transformation is NOT something we can do- it's something that God does in us! AND, it comes from a lifestyle of humility!
God can combat my pride and selfishness and make me more aware of them so that we, God and I, can fight those together!
I think on Friday He helped me see this with a little slap in the face (that I dealt out) that made me realize how selfish and prideful (via another situation) I truly could be. It is an ugly part of me that I really do want to rid myself of.
4) God has a plan and we get to be a part of it!! (The subject of my second to last post, I believe.)
He can use us, and DOES use us, and wow is that a privilege! I feel like He's been giving me a lot of opportunities to talk with people, get to know them, and help get people plugged in recently and that is SO COOL!
5) I am loved. And if not on this earth, then always, unconditionally, and completely by my wonderful Father in heaven.
It has been crazy to really reflect back on this week and see the way that God has put people in my life that have been supporting me and loving me and really care how I'm doing. And God has provided so much truth to me in relatable ways through the rap/hip-hop group out of Portland, called Beautiful Eulogy. Their songs have blessed me in understanding God and His love more, and what being a Christian really means. Their words and thoughts have challenged me and I am so grateful for that.
6) I feel like the Church would be a lot more relatable and welcoming if we Christians weren't always so HAPPY all the time...
Let me explain, because this sounds counterintuitive. Today in church we talked about struggles (pain and suffering) and what these mean in our lives. We fill our lives many times with "things" so that we don't have to think about the pain around us or in us. But you know what? We are all, the entire earth, suffering through the brokenness together. TOGETHER. We should all have a place where we can talk about how sometimes, yeah, we're not doing okay. We're actually pretty beaten down and depressed. A lot of times I think as Christians we assume we have to be happy and have it all together. WE DON'T. We are suffering through the pain and brokenness of this world too. But I think people on the outside looking in think we think we're better than everything and that's why we act happy. I think if the church just came out and said, Yeah, we're struggling too! We get depressed sometimes, angry about things, we need to cry and yell too, that people would see that we're real too. I know that I (and I've heard from other Christians too) get intimidated by all the seemingly "happy and perfect" people milling around church on a Sunday. Sure, church is a happy time where we get to see everyone, but LET'S GET REAL. Let's deal with our things and I don't just mean on the inside.
Openness begets openness, so be open! Feel pain. Be sad. Let it out. And I think people will respect that. Not just respect, but relate to it.
The difference between Christians and people who do not believe (on the "happy" aspect) is that we as Christians know that right now, these sufferings are MEANINGFUL. Not for nothing, because we know that these sufferings promise a new world to come, like the pain of childbirth is bearable only because the mother knows that there is something good on the way- new life. We are comforted with peace, not only in the good times but in times of pain. We experience true joy, even when we are suffering. Peace and joy are not circumstantial- they are beyond that. Happiness and relaxedness are circumstantial.
7) Last one. As I was listening to the "slice of life" today (a personal testimony h2o church does before each sermon on Sundays), the girl shared how one of the staff shared the Gospel with her one day- and it changed her. It just HIT ME...people want this. They really want and crave the truth and love that is in Christ Jesus and His sacrifice. Not only do they want it, it changes everything. (**Not everyone wants it right now in this moment. But some do.)
I feel like God was really working on my heart with this one. Showing me that the Gospel isn't something that people are just tired of or scared of hearing...that it can really be wanted, that it can really do good. (I have no idea at all why I hadn't really known this before. I think God was getting it to a heart level knowing this time.) It is something that flips our lives around, takes everything we knew and asks, are you doing this for YOU? or for God? It challenges our pride, our selfishness, how we love people, how we live our daily lives.
In that moment sitting in the chair at church, I felt God show me His love. I felt Him showing me what it really looks like and the sheer power of His love and grace. Shattering my doubt. It all felt so real and perfect. I felt so loved.
Phew. There is more than this but I'm stopping here for the sake of you guys and I really need to study now...
Closing thought: Jesus. Is. Amazing.
Peace & Blessings
1) "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b
That is so personal. So loving. So comforting! We are never alone. God promises to be right with us, right by our sides always, all the way to the end. SURELY He is with us ALWAYS.
2) Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me.
I put this in the post before, but it's so good. Even when our life situation isn't the best, God is still good. That is pretty cool to know. We are anchored in truth, in love, in a God that never changes, never fails, and never stops loving on us. He REMAINS. He SUSTAINS.
3) Life and heart transformation is NOT something we can do- it's something that God does in us! AND, it comes from a lifestyle of humility!
God can combat my pride and selfishness and make me more aware of them so that we, God and I, can fight those together!
I think on Friday He helped me see this with a little slap in the face (that I dealt out) that made me realize how selfish and prideful (via another situation) I truly could be. It is an ugly part of me that I really do want to rid myself of.
4) God has a plan and we get to be a part of it!! (The subject of my second to last post, I believe.)
He can use us, and DOES use us, and wow is that a privilege! I feel like He's been giving me a lot of opportunities to talk with people, get to know them, and help get people plugged in recently and that is SO COOL!
5) I am loved. And if not on this earth, then always, unconditionally, and completely by my wonderful Father in heaven.
It has been crazy to really reflect back on this week and see the way that God has put people in my life that have been supporting me and loving me and really care how I'm doing. And God has provided so much truth to me in relatable ways through the rap/hip-hop group out of Portland, called Beautiful Eulogy. Their songs have blessed me in understanding God and His love more, and what being a Christian really means. Their words and thoughts have challenged me and I am so grateful for that.
6) I feel like the Church would be a lot more relatable and welcoming if we Christians weren't always so HAPPY all the time...
Let me explain, because this sounds counterintuitive. Today in church we talked about struggles (pain and suffering) and what these mean in our lives. We fill our lives many times with "things" so that we don't have to think about the pain around us or in us. But you know what? We are all, the entire earth, suffering through the brokenness together. TOGETHER. We should all have a place where we can talk about how sometimes, yeah, we're not doing okay. We're actually pretty beaten down and depressed. A lot of times I think as Christians we assume we have to be happy and have it all together. WE DON'T. We are suffering through the pain and brokenness of this world too. But I think people on the outside looking in think we think we're better than everything and that's why we act happy. I think if the church just came out and said, Yeah, we're struggling too! We get depressed sometimes, angry about things, we need to cry and yell too, that people would see that we're real too. I know that I (and I've heard from other Christians too) get intimidated by all the seemingly "happy and perfect" people milling around church on a Sunday. Sure, church is a happy time where we get to see everyone, but LET'S GET REAL. Let's deal with our things and I don't just mean on the inside.
Openness begets openness, so be open! Feel pain. Be sad. Let it out. And I think people will respect that. Not just respect, but relate to it.
The difference between Christians and people who do not believe (on the "happy" aspect) is that we as Christians know that right now, these sufferings are MEANINGFUL. Not for nothing, because we know that these sufferings promise a new world to come, like the pain of childbirth is bearable only because the mother knows that there is something good on the way- new life. We are comforted with peace, not only in the good times but in times of pain. We experience true joy, even when we are suffering. Peace and joy are not circumstantial- they are beyond that. Happiness and relaxedness are circumstantial.
7) Last one. As I was listening to the "slice of life" today (a personal testimony h2o church does before each sermon on Sundays), the girl shared how one of the staff shared the Gospel with her one day- and it changed her. It just HIT ME...people want this. They really want and crave the truth and love that is in Christ Jesus and His sacrifice. Not only do they want it, it changes everything. (**Not everyone wants it right now in this moment. But some do.)
I feel like God was really working on my heart with this one. Showing me that the Gospel isn't something that people are just tired of or scared of hearing...that it can really be wanted, that it can really do good. (I have no idea at all why I hadn't really known this before. I think God was getting it to a heart level knowing this time.) It is something that flips our lives around, takes everything we knew and asks, are you doing this for YOU? or for God? It challenges our pride, our selfishness, how we love people, how we live our daily lives.
In that moment sitting in the chair at church, I felt God show me His love. I felt Him showing me what it really looks like and the sheer power of His love and grace. Shattering my doubt. It all felt so real and perfect. I felt so loved.
Phew. There is more than this but I'm stopping here for the sake of you guys and I really need to study now...
Closing thought: Jesus. Is. Amazing.
Peace & Blessings
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Days like this.
It's days like today that I wonder if something really is wrong with me.
Like, how could I forget so easily what I had said I'd do? How could I mess up and not know how to make it right...how do things just fly out of my mind and make me so fickle?
Is it just me? I'm not doing these things on purpose. People say you'll remember things that are important to you....but that is not always true. Heck, I remember the moment I heard the Blue October song "Into the Ocean" for the first time like it was yesterday, but I can't remember to keep in touch with a friend. What.
And then the pride...I try to apologize but my pride is like, how can I make me sound not as awful of a person? I mean, I suppose there were things that prevented what should have happened...when really I should just shut up, be humble and say sorry without a "but" on the end. I make mistakes- DEAL WITH IT, SELF.
And so now I feel like I've thrown a glass at the ground and it's shattered into a thousand pieces and I just stare at it. My first thought is, throw some glue at it! Let's try the only way to fix it that I know how. But things take time and I have to deal with my mistake and give some time. I'm not patient. (I'm not proud of that either.)
I feel dark and gray and cold and beaten down. Hopeless at points. With this, with studying, with my walk with God, with my emotions, with the sad state of this campus...with how I act on a day to day basis that is so NOT representative of Jesus and His love. I make myself sick.
And here I am again; I thought I was done with this. With having those all-too-familiar moments of self-hate (do we all face this at some point?). And please don't get me wrong- not self-harm. NEVER self-harm. I hate what and who I am in this world, I hate that I can't change myself from the selfish, forgetful, fickle, annoying, fearful person I am. It's deep-seeded and it's overwhelming. I know that I'll crawl out of it eventually, every time, but it gets tiring facing it all.
And here now I'm going to put it out there...I always tell people my biggest fear is balding (I know, weird) or not living up to my full purpose. But right now it's not. As silly as it sounds to myself and most others, my biggest fear is that I have some sort of emotional-level problem (a very very mild bipolar disorder or something). This is hard for me to say. I have been dealing with my whole "all-or-nothing" mentality for the last year and a half now (dealing in a sense that I've just realized it, though I can see it back through most of my life) and I think that part of me is so desperate to have something to blame that on...that it's not my personality, it's some sort of a disorder...that I'd even consider something as drastic as that. I can't believe I'm even saying it. I think I treat this blog like a psychiatrist sometimes...
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me. [Beautiful Eulogy's "Anchor"]
But then I'm reminded of things like this, things like The Well on Thursday (that it isn't our own power that causes our life and heart transformation, but it is God and his mercy), things that show me that God is near and with me even in these dark moments, even when I'm not trusting Him well. Even when I am literally shaking because I don't know my next move. Even when I think I might be a little messed up or out of control.
But I WILL NOT BE PARALYZED THIS TIME. Not with fear, not with hopes of running away from all of it....I will run to God and He will comfort me. He will change me. He will give me confidence and hope that chases away all the fear I harbor inside the very fibers of my being. I will be honest and loving and hope that that makes a way for clarity and newness. I will love myself because God loves me. I will not participate in self-deprication unless it leads to true, Godly repentance.
This is my hope and my prayer. I'm thirsty for Your mercy.
Peace & Blessings
Like, how could I forget so easily what I had said I'd do? How could I mess up and not know how to make it right...how do things just fly out of my mind and make me so fickle?
Is it just me? I'm not doing these things on purpose. People say you'll remember things that are important to you....but that is not always true. Heck, I remember the moment I heard the Blue October song "Into the Ocean" for the first time like it was yesterday, but I can't remember to keep in touch with a friend. What.
And then the pride...I try to apologize but my pride is like, how can I make me sound not as awful of a person? I mean, I suppose there were things that prevented what should have happened...when really I should just shut up, be humble and say sorry without a "but" on the end. I make mistakes- DEAL WITH IT, SELF.
And so now I feel like I've thrown a glass at the ground and it's shattered into a thousand pieces and I just stare at it. My first thought is, throw some glue at it! Let's try the only way to fix it that I know how. But things take time and I have to deal with my mistake and give some time. I'm not patient. (I'm not proud of that either.)
I feel dark and gray and cold and beaten down. Hopeless at points. With this, with studying, with my walk with God, with my emotions, with the sad state of this campus...with how I act on a day to day basis that is so NOT representative of Jesus and His love. I make myself sick.
And here I am again; I thought I was done with this. With having those all-too-familiar moments of self-hate (do we all face this at some point?). And please don't get me wrong- not self-harm. NEVER self-harm. I hate what and who I am in this world, I hate that I can't change myself from the selfish, forgetful, fickle, annoying, fearful person I am. It's deep-seeded and it's overwhelming. I know that I'll crawl out of it eventually, every time, but it gets tiring facing it all.
And here now I'm going to put it out there...I always tell people my biggest fear is balding (I know, weird) or not living up to my full purpose. But right now it's not. As silly as it sounds to myself and most others, my biggest fear is that I have some sort of emotional-level problem (a very very mild bipolar disorder or something). This is hard for me to say. I have been dealing with my whole "all-or-nothing" mentality for the last year and a half now (dealing in a sense that I've just realized it, though I can see it back through most of my life) and I think that part of me is so desperate to have something to blame that on...that it's not my personality, it's some sort of a disorder...that I'd even consider something as drastic as that. I can't believe I'm even saying it. I think I treat this blog like a psychiatrist sometimes...
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me. [Beautiful Eulogy's "Anchor"]
But then I'm reminded of things like this, things like The Well on Thursday (that it isn't our own power that causes our life and heart transformation, but it is God and his mercy), things that show me that God is near and with me even in these dark moments, even when I'm not trusting Him well. Even when I am literally shaking because I don't know my next move. Even when I think I might be a little messed up or out of control.
But I WILL NOT BE PARALYZED THIS TIME. Not with fear, not with hopes of running away from all of it....I will run to God and He will comfort me. He will change me. He will give me confidence and hope that chases away all the fear I harbor inside the very fibers of my being. I will be honest and loving and hope that that makes a way for clarity and newness. I will love myself because God loves me. I will not participate in self-deprication unless it leads to true, Godly repentance.
This is my hope and my prayer. I'm thirsty for Your mercy.
Peace & Blessings
Friday, November 1, 2013
We're a part of His will! HIS PERFECT WILL.
All of a sudden it just HIT me.
God has a good, pleasing, and perfect will, and I get to be a part of it!!!
Maybe it was glancing at a text and seeing only the words "perfect" and "will." Or maybe knowing that I decided to go with some plans for tonight but God had known that all along and was constructing something bigger than I could have known!
Maybe it's seeing the changes in other people's lives, in my own. Seeing that other people want to love people too, and are actively doing it. (Thank you to whatever Jewish society on campus was handing out free falafel on the Oval today - mmmm that hit the spot!) Maybe it's loving people for their potential rather than for the person they are acting out as. Maybe it's "doing life" with people around us...being involved with them, loving them, and sometimes feeling the love back.
And maybe, just maybe....it's getting the plank out of my own eye before I try to extract the splinter from others'.
All I know is that right now, I feel extremely loved and honored to be a part of whatever God has planned for my life, or even just the rest of my days left on this campus.
I want to love people right. I know I'm not doing that....God, help me to love them like You love them, see them as You see them, give them mercy and grace just as You gave me. Because as I keep finding out over and over, I'm not able to do it alone.
This right here is amazing. "Blessed Are The Merciful" by Beautiful Eulogy. Hits every part of me.
"Are you merciful? Why? Because Jesus healed the sick, because Jesus fed the multitudes, because Jesus gave legs to the crippled, because Jesus gave sight to the blind, because Jesus opened the ears of the deaf, because Jesus found prostitutes and tax collectors and drew them into the sphere of His love, because Jesus touched the untouchable and loved the unlovable and forgave the unforgivable and welcomed the undesirable, because Jesus even now saves the otherwise un-saveable...Why? Because they deserve it?! When the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared He saved us, not because of works done in righteousness, not because we met Him half-way, not because we took the proper steps forward and in good faith have elevated ourselves to the place of the undeserving poor, but according to His MERCY....
We are here because Jesus Christ didn't say with cold indifference, 'Give them what they deserve, they brought it on themselves.' Jesus Christ IS the mercy of God. And seeing us in our misery and need, He doesn't just feel for us, He takes the necessary action to relieve our distress. He leaves the eternal glory of heaven and the perfect fellowship of the Trinity, He condescends TO us, lives AMONG us, suffers LIKE us, dies FOR us! Do you understand this? Have you EXPERIENCED this? How then is it possible to experience it, and not display it? IT ISN'T POSSIBLE! You haven't experienced it if you don't display it! The evidence of God's mercy in your life isn't determined by how much theology you know, by how many books you read, but by your ACTIVE GOODNESS to people in misery and in need. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy."
To whomever is reading this: please go download Beautiful Eulogy's albums on NoiseTrade.com and take a listen. The lyrics are powerful and Gospel-focused. They're challenging. They're...beautiful. Praise God for their talent.
God, open my eyes, fill my heart and remind me of why I'm here...to love You and to love others, to love them enough to want them to be with You too...
Peace & Blessings
God has a good, pleasing, and perfect will, and I get to be a part of it!!!
Maybe it was glancing at a text and seeing only the words "perfect" and "will." Or maybe knowing that I decided to go with some plans for tonight but God had known that all along and was constructing something bigger than I could have known!
Maybe it's seeing the changes in other people's lives, in my own. Seeing that other people want to love people too, and are actively doing it. (Thank you to whatever Jewish society on campus was handing out free falafel on the Oval today - mmmm that hit the spot!) Maybe it's loving people for their potential rather than for the person they are acting out as. Maybe it's "doing life" with people around us...being involved with them, loving them, and sometimes feeling the love back.
And maybe, just maybe....it's getting the plank out of my own eye before I try to extract the splinter from others'.
All I know is that right now, I feel extremely loved and honored to be a part of whatever God has planned for my life, or even just the rest of my days left on this campus.
I want to love people right. I know I'm not doing that....God, help me to love them like You love them, see them as You see them, give them mercy and grace just as You gave me. Because as I keep finding out over and over, I'm not able to do it alone.
This right here is amazing. "Blessed Are The Merciful" by Beautiful Eulogy. Hits every part of me.
"Are you merciful? Why? Because Jesus healed the sick, because Jesus fed the multitudes, because Jesus gave legs to the crippled, because Jesus gave sight to the blind, because Jesus opened the ears of the deaf, because Jesus found prostitutes and tax collectors and drew them into the sphere of His love, because Jesus touched the untouchable and loved the unlovable and forgave the unforgivable and welcomed the undesirable, because Jesus even now saves the otherwise un-saveable...Why? Because they deserve it?! When the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared He saved us, not because of works done in righteousness, not because we met Him half-way, not because we took the proper steps forward and in good faith have elevated ourselves to the place of the undeserving poor, but according to His MERCY....
We are here because Jesus Christ didn't say with cold indifference, 'Give them what they deserve, they brought it on themselves.' Jesus Christ IS the mercy of God. And seeing us in our misery and need, He doesn't just feel for us, He takes the necessary action to relieve our distress. He leaves the eternal glory of heaven and the perfect fellowship of the Trinity, He condescends TO us, lives AMONG us, suffers LIKE us, dies FOR us! Do you understand this? Have you EXPERIENCED this? How then is it possible to experience it, and not display it? IT ISN'T POSSIBLE! You haven't experienced it if you don't display it! The evidence of God's mercy in your life isn't determined by how much theology you know, by how many books you read, but by your ACTIVE GOODNESS to people in misery and in need. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy."
To whomever is reading this: please go download Beautiful Eulogy's albums on NoiseTrade.com and take a listen. The lyrics are powerful and Gospel-focused. They're challenging. They're...beautiful. Praise God for their talent.
God, open my eyes, fill my heart and remind me of why I'm here...to love You and to love others, to love them enough to want them to be with You too...
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, October 17, 2013
"The Flood" was not yet over.
I mentioned "the flood" in the last post. Thought it was over, but this weekend proved otherwise.
I'd like to start with the fact that I'm fine. I'm really okay and that is a relief. I know God must have a lot to do with that.
Sunday, the day of my baptism, came with a huge realization (thanks to God, and some mixed communication the night before): where I was putting my identity was quickly slipping away from God and into my relationship, into my pride, into other people. I begged and pleaded that morning for God to change me, to show me how to keep my identity and self God-focused instead of world-focused. I asked for comfort, because I was welling up with worry and fear of the unknown; the distance between my then-boyfriend and I, that we'd both felt, that he'd been thinking about, that we needed to talk about... My emotions were everywhere, for I don't think I've quite learned how to control all of them again.
I got baptized, though feeling incredibly challenged. I was hurting, but I think God knew that it was coming at a good time. I needed to be able to choose Him in the good and the bad times. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, or that right now still isn't hard. But I can rest in the fact that God is always near me and looking out for me, even when I don't feel Him. That's faith, I suppose.
Right after the baptism I came home to an empty apartment, thinking to work on my paper (hadn't started, due Tuesday...). A panic attack ensued, tangled with an onslaught of tears and choking sobs. I was in pain, my mind and my heart were in pain and as much as I knew that something was wrong, that something painful was on its way, I couldn't do a thing about it. I cried out to God, asking for some sense of peace, some reasoning behind all this. I didn't feel a direct answer, per se, but the song that was playing (and had been stuck in my head all morning), was calling me towards what God was asking of me:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves,
when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
for I am Yours, and You are mine
["Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)," Hillsong United]
Talk about real faith. This broke me down in service that morning too. I want that. I want that real faith, growing faith, that cultivates my trust into one "without borders," where I rest in God and His promises even when I feel like I'm about to drown (i.e., that afternoon).
After the attack, I was so worn out emotionally and mentally that I stopped thinking about it for the most part.
We broke it off that night. Amicably, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rough. We'd rushed into it too fast, completely skipping the oh-so-important friendship phase. It was just a step back, back to see how friendship would go, and not a failure, as I was so temped to look at it as. He told me not to shut off my emotions this time, not to numb myself like I am so prone to do. I said that I didn't know how to do that, which is true; I have no idea. Prayer, asking God is really the only answer I think. I didn't mean to shut them off last time, but it was so hard turning them back on, quite painful really. I don't want to experience that again, or lose them again (as rotten as they can be, they are necessary and can be truly beautiful).
So, you might ask, what was the point of the relationship at all? Well, like I said in my last post, I think we both grew a ton. I know I grew a lot closer to God, got into and really enjoyed His Word, was challenged with pride and my skewed priorities, and then lastly where I was putting my identity. (Looking back, I did ask for God to wreck me and leave only Him...so I suppose it was partially my fault...) With my and God's help, he dug out of a long-time struggle and was able to see it clearly for the first time ever. That was huge.
Who knows if we'll get back together; but I do know that what happened was meant to be. If no relationship follows, I sincerely hope we are able to continue friendship (which I'm still trying to learn what that even looks like; "being casual" is a foreign concept to me). God knows what He's doing, I don't question that (well, most of the time don't question it).
That, my friends, was one heck of a flood. Though I didn't always feel Him with me this struggle-bus weekend, I took (and take) comfort in the fact that He cared for me enough to warn me that hard times were ahead: "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." He's there and He loves me, and I think that's a huge chunk of all I need to know about Him.
Yes, my blog posts are always a million pages long. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS/THOUGHTS, OKAY? :)
Peace & Blessings
I'd like to start with the fact that I'm fine. I'm really okay and that is a relief. I know God must have a lot to do with that.
Sunday, the day of my baptism, came with a huge realization (thanks to God, and some mixed communication the night before): where I was putting my identity was quickly slipping away from God and into my relationship, into my pride, into other people. I begged and pleaded that morning for God to change me, to show me how to keep my identity and self God-focused instead of world-focused. I asked for comfort, because I was welling up with worry and fear of the unknown; the distance between my then-boyfriend and I, that we'd both felt, that he'd been thinking about, that we needed to talk about... My emotions were everywhere, for I don't think I've quite learned how to control all of them again.
I got baptized, though feeling incredibly challenged. I was hurting, but I think God knew that it was coming at a good time. I needed to be able to choose Him in the good and the bad times. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, or that right now still isn't hard. But I can rest in the fact that God is always near me and looking out for me, even when I don't feel Him. That's faith, I suppose.
Right after the baptism I came home to an empty apartment, thinking to work on my paper (hadn't started, due Tuesday...). A panic attack ensued, tangled with an onslaught of tears and choking sobs. I was in pain, my mind and my heart were in pain and as much as I knew that something was wrong, that something painful was on its way, I couldn't do a thing about it. I cried out to God, asking for some sense of peace, some reasoning behind all this. I didn't feel a direct answer, per se, but the song that was playing (and had been stuck in my head all morning), was calling me towards what God was asking of me:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves,
when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
for I am Yours, and You are mine
["Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)," Hillsong United]
Talk about real faith. This broke me down in service that morning too. I want that. I want that real faith, growing faith, that cultivates my trust into one "without borders," where I rest in God and His promises even when I feel like I'm about to drown (i.e., that afternoon).
After the attack, I was so worn out emotionally and mentally that I stopped thinking about it for the most part.
We broke it off that night. Amicably, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rough. We'd rushed into it too fast, completely skipping the oh-so-important friendship phase. It was just a step back, back to see how friendship would go, and not a failure, as I was so temped to look at it as. He told me not to shut off my emotions this time, not to numb myself like I am so prone to do. I said that I didn't know how to do that, which is true; I have no idea. Prayer, asking God is really the only answer I think. I didn't mean to shut them off last time, but it was so hard turning them back on, quite painful really. I don't want to experience that again, or lose them again (as rotten as they can be, they are necessary and can be truly beautiful).
So, you might ask, what was the point of the relationship at all? Well, like I said in my last post, I think we both grew a ton. I know I grew a lot closer to God, got into and really enjoyed His Word, was challenged with pride and my skewed priorities, and then lastly where I was putting my identity. (Looking back, I did ask for God to wreck me and leave only Him...so I suppose it was partially my fault...) With my and God's help, he dug out of a long-time struggle and was able to see it clearly for the first time ever. That was huge.
Who knows if we'll get back together; but I do know that what happened was meant to be. If no relationship follows, I sincerely hope we are able to continue friendship (which I'm still trying to learn what that even looks like; "being casual" is a foreign concept to me). God knows what He's doing, I don't question that (well, most of the time don't question it).
That, my friends, was one heck of a flood. Though I didn't always feel Him with me this struggle-bus weekend, I took (and take) comfort in the fact that He cared for me enough to warn me that hard times were ahead: "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." He's there and He loves me, and I think that's a huge chunk of all I need to know about Him.
Yes, my blog posts are always a million pages long. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS/THOUGHTS, OKAY? :)
Peace & Blessings
Friday, October 11, 2013
So much love. So much good!
These last few weeks have been absolutely crazy. Crazy amazing.
Two and a half weeks ago I decided to get baptized (this Sunday!! Ahhh!). Since then, I have felt so much closer to God than I have in so long. I have felt His love and maybe even felt His calling for my life (now considering seminary after I graduate, and after that...long term mission work. The "where" isn't something I feel absolutely clear on right now).
Two weeks ago, I began dating a wonderful man I'd met through h2o. Though the whole thing was very fast, I feel like God has brought us through these last two weeks and really grown us (I know I was definitely grown a lot, as you'll see below, as well as in many other aspects). I so appreciate that He is a leader to me, especially in my relationship with God. We've read through the Gospels Mark and Luke and God has shown him and I so many things through His life and His words here on this earth. It's an absolutely beautiful picture of love, mercy, forgiveness, and discipleship. Crazy how it all applies even now in this day and age!
Last weekend, I felt Him tell me, "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." Of course, I had no idea what the flood was, though I'm pretty sure I figured it out later that day and the next. It was feelings. I realized that for so long I'd felt numb to a lot of things: my past, just because I'd talked about it so many times that I guess I'd just decided that I couldn't let it affect me anymore; romantic feelings, partly because I'd felt that God was not calling me into any relationships for the past couple years, which was really frustrating to me, at least at first; and then just feelings in general - I felt like I could never decipher what was true and what my mind was trying to convince me of, so I just gave up and decided it was all nothing. But being in a relationship now meant that I had to at least be aware of what I was feeling. And all of a sudden, it crashed on top of me; I felt like I was drowning and couldn't take it anymore. I realized this week that probably my fear of commitment, as little as just starting dating may be, just shut down all feelings I had. I think my mind and heart has realized that this is the new normal now, and I can't ignore feelings because of fear. I'm finally adjusting, and I am very happy.
God has continued this trend of blessings since I last wrote about it specifically. I have felt so incredibly blessed these last few weeks especially. I am so excited for the future! But trying to make the most of where God has me now ("Until then I'll remain where you have me, with joy when I feel unhappy," Beautiful Eulogy). Still wrestling with PRIDE and trying to be the best at everything (I am second!!).
Until next,
Peace & Blessings
Two and a half weeks ago I decided to get baptized (this Sunday!! Ahhh!). Since then, I have felt so much closer to God than I have in so long. I have felt His love and maybe even felt His calling for my life (now considering seminary after I graduate, and after that...long term mission work. The "where" isn't something I feel absolutely clear on right now).
Two weeks ago, I began dating a wonderful man I'd met through h2o. Though the whole thing was very fast, I feel like God has brought us through these last two weeks and really grown us (I know I was definitely grown a lot, as you'll see below, as well as in many other aspects). I so appreciate that He is a leader to me, especially in my relationship with God. We've read through the Gospels Mark and Luke and God has shown him and I so many things through His life and His words here on this earth. It's an absolutely beautiful picture of love, mercy, forgiveness, and discipleship. Crazy how it all applies even now in this day and age!
Last weekend, I felt Him tell me, "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." Of course, I had no idea what the flood was, though I'm pretty sure I figured it out later that day and the next. It was feelings. I realized that for so long I'd felt numb to a lot of things: my past, just because I'd talked about it so many times that I guess I'd just decided that I couldn't let it affect me anymore; romantic feelings, partly because I'd felt that God was not calling me into any relationships for the past couple years, which was really frustrating to me, at least at first; and then just feelings in general - I felt like I could never decipher what was true and what my mind was trying to convince me of, so I just gave up and decided it was all nothing. But being in a relationship now meant that I had to at least be aware of what I was feeling. And all of a sudden, it crashed on top of me; I felt like I was drowning and couldn't take it anymore. I realized this week that probably my fear of commitment, as little as just starting dating may be, just shut down all feelings I had. I think my mind and heart has realized that this is the new normal now, and I can't ignore feelings because of fear. I'm finally adjusting, and I am very happy.
God has continued this trend of blessings since I last wrote about it specifically. I have felt so incredibly blessed these last few weeks especially. I am so excited for the future! But trying to make the most of where God has me now ("Until then I'll remain where you have me, with joy when I feel unhappy," Beautiful Eulogy). Still wrestling with PRIDE and trying to be the best at everything (I am second!!).
Until next,
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, September 26, 2013
It's time to put Faith before Fear!
I'm getting baptized!! Decided that Tuesday morning when I finally asked myself why I was putting everything off. The rest will explain :) I'll be reading [some of] this at my baptism. (Not all of it, because I think that would take a year...)
"Of this I'm sure, the past don't own us anymore."
I grew up in the church, surrounded by a loving family of believers that was reflected at home. From a young age, I can remember the church being a second home to me and absolutely loving the people there. My younger sister and I prayed with my mom or dad every night, and I still remember how we always started: "Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for all we have, and please be with those who are less fortunate than us," followed by whatever else we wanted to tell or ask Him that night. Other than that, my elementary school and middle school years never reflected my beliefs, other than feeling I needed to be a "good Christian girl" who followed the rules and always did her best.
Doing my best turned into a feeling that I had to be the best, a performance-driven attitude that has plagued my academic, social, and spiritual lives since then and still does. I didn't only need to succeed, I needed to do it perfectly and better than everyone else. And if I didn't, I was hard on myself.
But, I think in high school I finally started to understand what following God was all about. I remember a period throughout my junior/senior years where I was reading the Bible, praying, and journaling every night. I was asking God to change me, and He was incredibly faithful. I saw my thought life changing, my priorities shifting, and I had quite literally never felt so refreshed and happy in my life. But then it was gone. My best guess is that, on the inside, I was terrified about where these changes were taking me, and I decided to back out. This happened over and over up until this point, and afterwards for years. On again, off again was my relationship with God and every time I fell away I felt more and more ashamed. My thoughts were, why can't I keep this up? Why do I keep falling away, being so fickle? And isn't God going to get tired of all this back and forth, and just give up on me? I mean, I would...
This thought pattern has followed me for years and as much as I knew in my mind that God would never give up on me, I was scared in my heart that I could mess up bad enough that He would just leave. During my summer at LT after my freshman year at OSU, things started to become clear. By thinking that maybe God could give up on me, and that I had to pull all the weight in my relationship with God to keep it from "going under," I was shown how much I did not know about God's character and how little I trusted Him. I remember giving over everything to Him after an immense amount of struggling and feeling my heart torn between my worldly desires and my need for God. But of course, coming back to campus revealed a stark contrast between how I'd hoped to live for God and how the world wanted me to live, at least while in college.
I've allowed my pride, performance-driven attitude, and skewed priorities to rule my life since then. I've continued to fight a battle between giving it all to God and knowing that could mean drastic changes to my life now and my future, and giving up on all that and just doing what's easy now, namely focusing on classes and the petty, selfish things that can make up much of our lives. The easy has mostly won, until this past summer made me see a little straighter.
This summer was an immense help to figuring out where I stand now. I was initially challenged with my own admission of "grades are the only thing I can't give over to God," prompted by Kathy Borsos' difficult questions I secretly had no interest in hearing. The community and strong support of faithful women in my summer small group made me question how I was living day to day, with little to no time with God. I was confronted with the realization that I was terrified of what a commitment to God could mean for my life, terrified enough to let it hold me back from what I knew my whole self was yearning for - a lifelong walk with Jesus.
As my mom would say, I've been stalling. I keep thinking that there is something there that is keeping me from God and His love, but I know it can't be Him: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:38-39. I finally saw that what was standing between God and I...was me. Me and my fear. And suddenly I was done, done with being scared, done with running from the only one who loves me unconditionally and more than I could ever imagine. He must have uncovered my eyes to let me know this, because for so long I've been stuck.
I've spent most of my spiritual life letting fear rule, and I think it's finally time for faith to take it's place. I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, that He will never leave me or stop loving me, and guess what? He knows that I'm going to continually fall short of perfection and knew that long before He died for me on that cross. And you know what else? He would have loved me just the same if I'd never even acknowledged Him. If I hated Him. If I were to never believe. I think that's someone more than worth trusting, worth putting my faith in. I believe He has a better plan for my life, even if it flips everything I have upside down. And now, because He's brought me to a place where I don't have to be scared any more, I've decided to be baptized! I know that this isn't going to make my life any easier or any less of a struggle between worldly desires and spiritual ones, but I'll know that there is a wonderful being that I can always count on for help. It doesn't mean I'm not going to fail, it means I'm going to know that there's still grace and love and forgiveness for me when I fall short. It doesn't mean that I'm magically going to know what I'm doing after I graduate, but it means that I will serve Him in whatever I end up doing. It means I no longer have to be scared. And that is something to smile about. :)
Peace & Blessings
"Of this I'm sure, the past don't own us anymore."
I grew up in the church, surrounded by a loving family of believers that was reflected at home. From a young age, I can remember the church being a second home to me and absolutely loving the people there. My younger sister and I prayed with my mom or dad every night, and I still remember how we always started: "Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for all we have, and please be with those who are less fortunate than us," followed by whatever else we wanted to tell or ask Him that night. Other than that, my elementary school and middle school years never reflected my beliefs, other than feeling I needed to be a "good Christian girl" who followed the rules and always did her best.
Doing my best turned into a feeling that I had to be the best, a performance-driven attitude that has plagued my academic, social, and spiritual lives since then and still does. I didn't only need to succeed, I needed to do it perfectly and better than everyone else. And if I didn't, I was hard on myself.
But, I think in high school I finally started to understand what following God was all about. I remember a period throughout my junior/senior years where I was reading the Bible, praying, and journaling every night. I was asking God to change me, and He was incredibly faithful. I saw my thought life changing, my priorities shifting, and I had quite literally never felt so refreshed and happy in my life. But then it was gone. My best guess is that, on the inside, I was terrified about where these changes were taking me, and I decided to back out. This happened over and over up until this point, and afterwards for years. On again, off again was my relationship with God and every time I fell away I felt more and more ashamed. My thoughts were, why can't I keep this up? Why do I keep falling away, being so fickle? And isn't God going to get tired of all this back and forth, and just give up on me? I mean, I would...
This thought pattern has followed me for years and as much as I knew in my mind that God would never give up on me, I was scared in my heart that I could mess up bad enough that He would just leave. During my summer at LT after my freshman year at OSU, things started to become clear. By thinking that maybe God could give up on me, and that I had to pull all the weight in my relationship with God to keep it from "going under," I was shown how much I did not know about God's character and how little I trusted Him. I remember giving over everything to Him after an immense amount of struggling and feeling my heart torn between my worldly desires and my need for God. But of course, coming back to campus revealed a stark contrast between how I'd hoped to live for God and how the world wanted me to live, at least while in college.
I've allowed my pride, performance-driven attitude, and skewed priorities to rule my life since then. I've continued to fight a battle between giving it all to God and knowing that could mean drastic changes to my life now and my future, and giving up on all that and just doing what's easy now, namely focusing on classes and the petty, selfish things that can make up much of our lives. The easy has mostly won, until this past summer made me see a little straighter.
This summer was an immense help to figuring out where I stand now. I was initially challenged with my own admission of "grades are the only thing I can't give over to God," prompted by Kathy Borsos' difficult questions I secretly had no interest in hearing. The community and strong support of faithful women in my summer small group made me question how I was living day to day, with little to no time with God. I was confronted with the realization that I was terrified of what a commitment to God could mean for my life, terrified enough to let it hold me back from what I knew my whole self was yearning for - a lifelong walk with Jesus.
As my mom would say, I've been stalling. I keep thinking that there is something there that is keeping me from God and His love, but I know it can't be Him: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:38-39. I finally saw that what was standing between God and I...was me. Me and my fear. And suddenly I was done, done with being scared, done with running from the only one who loves me unconditionally and more than I could ever imagine. He must have uncovered my eyes to let me know this, because for so long I've been stuck.
I've spent most of my spiritual life letting fear rule, and I think it's finally time for faith to take it's place. I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, that He will never leave me or stop loving me, and guess what? He knows that I'm going to continually fall short of perfection and knew that long before He died for me on that cross. And you know what else? He would have loved me just the same if I'd never even acknowledged Him. If I hated Him. If I were to never believe. I think that's someone more than worth trusting, worth putting my faith in. I believe He has a better plan for my life, even if it flips everything I have upside down. And now, because He's brought me to a place where I don't have to be scared any more, I've decided to be baptized! I know that this isn't going to make my life any easier or any less of a struggle between worldly desires and spiritual ones, but I'll know that there is a wonderful being that I can always count on for help. It doesn't mean I'm not going to fail, it means I'm going to know that there's still grace and love and forgiveness for me when I fall short. It doesn't mean that I'm magically going to know what I'm doing after I graduate, but it means that I will serve Him in whatever I end up doing. It means I no longer have to be scared. And that is something to smile about. :)
Peace & Blessings
Monday, September 23, 2013
Open letter: struggles
An open letter:
to God.
I have not been faithful. I have not trusted in your wonder and absolute perfection like I should...like I want to. I crave you, I crave to know you. My body, mind, and heart aches to know you more, to know your plan for my life.
But God, I am drowning. I don't feel useful, or worthy, or good enough for anything, especially not you. And it is true that I could never live up to your perfect standards...but I know the next part, the grace and mercy and that you sent your son to die in our place so now we are perfect in your eyes, yet I still feel like I'm the worst Christian out there. I know comparison kills, but hey we humans do a lot of things that kill.
I'm scared to "dive in" because 1) that may mean changing my plans, a LOT, and 2) well frankly, I don't even know what "diving in" means or looks like. And I think that's why I'm so terrified/turned off to baptism. I don't want to say I'm committing and then fail again.
"Of this I'm sure: the past don't own us anymore." This line just came up in a song right when I was typing the last sentence. Wow. That couldn't have been anything but YOU showing me that you've forgotten things of the past, so shouldn't I too? Or, at least, you've forgotten the sin. Wiped it away. I keep feeling like I'm going to fail you, to let you down. I have to remind myself that you don't even need me, so I can't let you down. Plus, you know I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm needy. For goodness' sake, you made me that way!!!
You have loved me and I have fought back with all I have.
You have called to me, and I have ignored.
You've forgiven me, yet I still blame you for things of this world.
You've held me in the palm of your hand and taken care of me, but I've climbed out of your hands and tried to do it on my own.
You've listened to my every plea, I've looked past those you've told me to love.
I'm stuck in between two attitudes: one of being broken and dealing with my own iniquities, or one of resting in the knowledge that I am your daughter, a princess in your eyes. And in typing this, I've just realized I don't think I've every truly rested in the latter. I am constantly focused on how I'm not good enough for you, how I have so far to go before I can deserve to be close with you, before I can be deserving of a man after your heart...and I just feel like I will never reach that point. I don't know why or how I can just look past the truth that says that that is EXACTLY what the cross was for. I want to make that jump completely. I want to be there with you, God!
Amen
Peace & Blessings
to God.
I have not been faithful. I have not trusted in your wonder and absolute perfection like I should...like I want to. I crave you, I crave to know you. My body, mind, and heart aches to know you more, to know your plan for my life.
But God, I am drowning. I don't feel useful, or worthy, or good enough for anything, especially not you. And it is true that I could never live up to your perfect standards...but I know the next part, the grace and mercy and that you sent your son to die in our place so now we are perfect in your eyes, yet I still feel like I'm the worst Christian out there. I know comparison kills, but hey we humans do a lot of things that kill.
I'm scared to "dive in" because 1) that may mean changing my plans, a LOT, and 2) well frankly, I don't even know what "diving in" means or looks like. And I think that's why I'm so terrified/turned off to baptism. I don't want to say I'm committing and then fail again.
"Of this I'm sure: the past don't own us anymore." This line just came up in a song right when I was typing the last sentence. Wow. That couldn't have been anything but YOU showing me that you've forgotten things of the past, so shouldn't I too? Or, at least, you've forgotten the sin. Wiped it away. I keep feeling like I'm going to fail you, to let you down. I have to remind myself that you don't even need me, so I can't let you down. Plus, you know I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm needy. For goodness' sake, you made me that way!!!
You have loved me and I have fought back with all I have.
You have called to me, and I have ignored.
You've forgiven me, yet I still blame you for things of this world.
You've held me in the palm of your hand and taken care of me, but I've climbed out of your hands and tried to do it on my own.
You've listened to my every plea, I've looked past those you've told me to love.
I'm stuck in between two attitudes: one of being broken and dealing with my own iniquities, or one of resting in the knowledge that I am your daughter, a princess in your eyes. And in typing this, I've just realized I don't think I've every truly rested in the latter. I am constantly focused on how I'm not good enough for you, how I have so far to go before I can deserve to be close with you, before I can be deserving of a man after your heart...and I just feel like I will never reach that point. I don't know why or how I can just look past the truth that says that that is EXACTLY what the cross was for. I want to make that jump completely. I want to be there with you, God!
Amen
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Slam No.1
Influenced by listening to "Beautiful Eulogy" and "Surrender" by Beautiful Eulogy. (Yes I'm writing a rap.)
realizing that we're broken is the hardest part about it
and the world that's all around us never ceases to allow it
creeps up in our bones,
in our hearts,
in our jests
never stopping for a moment to have time to realize
we're a mess.
and i feel just like a fraud to find out that i'm the culprit
as i stand up and preach loud, as if i deserve a pulpit
i stand up tall screaming out worlds and things like "grace and truth"
but in my heart i'm crying out maybe it'll make more sense to you...
have we made these things:
forgiveness, mercy, grace, love
just words in our minds in our hearts in our lives?
have we forgotten what it means to love the LORD with all our hearts?
have we lost what love is, left our hearts back at the start?
and it seems we stand for nothing
as we hide our Bibles from the ones who are closest
out of fear they'll mock and leave and then what will you be left with?
but the Gospel is so much more than ink on a parchment
but "separation of Church and State" leaves us paralyzed in our department.
so out of fear of awkward conversations
we become stalled in the world and stop loving from our low expectations
like we're the ones who can change hearts
what a lie filled with unsubstantiated pride
but it's God, He's the only one who can really save a life.
good news is that there's grace for all our follies
a second, third, hundredth chance for all us Christian "phonies" (cronies)
and He loves us no matter how far we've fallen
because He created us to worship though all we did was scorn
He sent His Son to die for us
for once
for all
"it's done."
so now we dwell in peace because we've learned that we can't be perfect
and His sacrifice has saved us though we never deserved it
His love doesn't come through our performance
so in us He's never disappointed
we are free to love, to serve the broken world around us
to reach out to the hungry souls because they used to be us.
but we don't go down this road alone and expect for Him to meet us,
rather we walk alongside and ask for Him to lead us, teach us
because our walk with Him is more than a one-sided conversation
it's a relationship, a fellowship; we find a joy in His patience
and even when we have our doubts, which seem to leave us shaken
we close our eyes, lift our hands, and stand in awe with all of His creation.
Peace&Blessings
realizing that we're broken is the hardest part about it
and the world that's all around us never ceases to allow it
creeps up in our bones,
in our hearts,
in our jests
never stopping for a moment to have time to realize
we're a mess.
and i feel just like a fraud to find out that i'm the culprit
as i stand up and preach loud, as if i deserve a pulpit
i stand up tall screaming out worlds and things like "grace and truth"
but in my heart i'm crying out maybe it'll make more sense to you...
have we made these things:
forgiveness, mercy, grace, love
just words in our minds in our hearts in our lives?
have we forgotten what it means to love the LORD with all our hearts?
have we lost what love is, left our hearts back at the start?
and it seems we stand for nothing
as we hide our Bibles from the ones who are closest
out of fear they'll mock and leave and then what will you be left with?
but the Gospel is so much more than ink on a parchment
but "separation of Church and State" leaves us paralyzed in our department.
so out of fear of awkward conversations
we become stalled in the world and stop loving from our low expectations
like we're the ones who can change hearts
what a lie filled with unsubstantiated pride
but it's God, He's the only one who can really save a life.
good news is that there's grace for all our follies
a second, third, hundredth chance for all us Christian "phonies" (cronies)
and He loves us no matter how far we've fallen
because He created us to worship though all we did was scorn
He sent His Son to die for us
for once
for all
"it's done."
so now we dwell in peace because we've learned that we can't be perfect
and His sacrifice has saved us though we never deserved it
His love doesn't come through our performance
so in us He's never disappointed
we are free to love, to serve the broken world around us
to reach out to the hungry souls because they used to be us.
but we don't go down this road alone and expect for Him to meet us,
rather we walk alongside and ask for Him to lead us, teach us
because our walk with Him is more than a one-sided conversation
it's a relationship, a fellowship; we find a joy in His patience
and even when we have our doubts, which seem to leave us shaken
we close our eyes, lift our hands, and stand in awe with all of His creation.
Peace&Blessings
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Refreshment
I have felt so refreshed the past few days.
(For the most part at least.)
And you know what it has been coming from? UNPLANNED THINGS. Seeing friends I don't usually see, little conversations, shared laughter over something so seemingly random, and conversations with strangers in coffee shops and elevators. I even felt calm about my biochemistry midterm.
I don't know why God decided to do it this week but MAN He is blessing me so incredibly much. Through the little things. The little things that end up being the parts of our days that stand out the most.
It's reminded me of how laughable "coincidences" are. Nothing, not one thing, is coincidence. I think we were all destined to run into each other at certain times in our lives.
And it makes me so excited, instills in me this eagerness for the future. I want to get up, I want to jump up and talk to everyone. I want to love people. I want to be, with God's help, that little "random" moment of their day that stands out and makes a mediocre or bad day not really that bad or boring. That little thing they smile about as they walk away, as much out of wonderment and confusion as a spark of joy.
I just needed to get this all out because it so excited me!
Though in all of this, the devil latches a hold. This love of connecting, of loving people - it gets me antsy, makes me wonder why I'm here in Columbus, taking classes instead of making some other difference in the country, in the world. I know right now, He does want me here. But I'm so impatient. Then I think, well, what if there's a reason He's keeping me on this campus an extra year? (I mean, if He is, then I suppose there is a reason.) So why not spend time digging into people, loving them, and using my classes to have a chance to do it? Why not work as hard in my classes as I can - while still managing my time so as to not neglect Him, friends, volunteering, church, or other responsibilities?
My prayer - to have confidence in Him to be as outgoing and friendly as I most naturally am not. Let people know that they are loved, even if I don't know them from Adam.
My prayer - to keep God at the center of this, God and others, and not make it about what I can do or how it makes me feel, rather than how it makes others feel.
We can do this.
We are all strangers here, but what unwritten rule says we have to stay that way? :)
Peace & Blessings
(For the most part at least.)
And you know what it has been coming from? UNPLANNED THINGS. Seeing friends I don't usually see, little conversations, shared laughter over something so seemingly random, and conversations with strangers in coffee shops and elevators. I even felt calm about my biochemistry midterm.
I don't know why God decided to do it this week but MAN He is blessing me so incredibly much. Through the little things. The little things that end up being the parts of our days that stand out the most.
It's reminded me of how laughable "coincidences" are. Nothing, not one thing, is coincidence. I think we were all destined to run into each other at certain times in our lives.
And it makes me so excited, instills in me this eagerness for the future. I want to get up, I want to jump up and talk to everyone. I want to love people. I want to be, with God's help, that little "random" moment of their day that stands out and makes a mediocre or bad day not really that bad or boring. That little thing they smile about as they walk away, as much out of wonderment and confusion as a spark of joy.
I just needed to get this all out because it so excited me!
Though in all of this, the devil latches a hold. This love of connecting, of loving people - it gets me antsy, makes me wonder why I'm here in Columbus, taking classes instead of making some other difference in the country, in the world. I know right now, He does want me here. But I'm so impatient. Then I think, well, what if there's a reason He's keeping me on this campus an extra year? (I mean, if He is, then I suppose there is a reason.) So why not spend time digging into people, loving them, and using my classes to have a chance to do it? Why not work as hard in my classes as I can - while still managing my time so as to not neglect Him, friends, volunteering, church, or other responsibilities?
My prayer - to have confidence in Him to be as outgoing and friendly as I most naturally am not. Let people know that they are loved, even if I don't know them from Adam.
My prayer - to keep God at the center of this, God and others, and not make it about what I can do or how it makes me feel, rather than how it makes others feel.
We can do this.
We are all strangers here, but what unwritten rule says we have to stay that way? :)
Peace & Blessings
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Tears
I've cried numerous times tonight. Not one hundred percent sure why. Things are just hitting me harder than usual, I suppose. Things are more real.
Moved by a song. By a movie. By a friend's blog post. By God.
Won't you come back? ("I Will, My Dear" by Jared Evers)
If you never come back I just want you to know I'm gonna love you either way. ("Rising Sun" by Prince of Spain)
It's like God is speaking right to me.
And then the blog post...so much faith in our Creator to heal this little girl from a deadly disease. Made me realize that I've given up hoping in a lot of ways. I mean, if you don't hope then you can't be let down when things don't work out. Because you just expected the human outcome, the imperfect promises and hopes. The thing that is so hard for us, for me, to understand is that God is not human. He is not tied down with broken promises and false hopes. He is love, truth, perfection, and most of all, HOPE. He loves us and that's it. He loves us. He doesn't try His best to love us and fail sometimes; He doesn't just want to love us but can't, He really and truly loves us. And He doesn't even have to, He wants to! He delights in us.
What is He trying to get across to me right now?
That it isn't about what I do. It's about Him loving me and sacrificing for me so that we can be together. IT'S ABOUT HIM!!!
And also that you can't be closed off all the time. You have to put yourself out there and love with a chance to be hurt (thank you to Meg from Hercules). It ain't love if it can't break your heart ("It Ain't Love" by Green River Ordinance).
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
Don't leave!
Anyways, I have a lot to ponder. I feel loved though. I can feel His love. Either way.
Peace & Blessings
Moved by a song. By a movie. By a friend's blog post. By God.
Won't you come back? ("I Will, My Dear" by Jared Evers)
If you never come back I just want you to know I'm gonna love you either way. ("Rising Sun" by Prince of Spain)
It's like God is speaking right to me.
And then the blog post...so much faith in our Creator to heal this little girl from a deadly disease. Made me realize that I've given up hoping in a lot of ways. I mean, if you don't hope then you can't be let down when things don't work out. Because you just expected the human outcome, the imperfect promises and hopes. The thing that is so hard for us, for me, to understand is that God is not human. He is not tied down with broken promises and false hopes. He is love, truth, perfection, and most of all, HOPE. He loves us and that's it. He loves us. He doesn't try His best to love us and fail sometimes; He doesn't just want to love us but can't, He really and truly loves us. And He doesn't even have to, He wants to! He delights in us.
What is He trying to get across to me right now?
That it isn't about what I do. It's about Him loving me and sacrificing for me so that we can be together. IT'S ABOUT HIM!!!
And also that you can't be closed off all the time. You have to put yourself out there and love with a chance to be hurt (thank you to Meg from Hercules). It ain't love if it can't break your heart ("It Ain't Love" by Green River Ordinance).
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
Don't leave!
Anyways, I have a lot to ponder. I feel loved though. I can feel His love. Either way.
Peace & Blessings
Friday, August 23, 2013
Let's think about "tolerance"
Tolerance. Webster's defines it as such:
The allowable deviation from a standard;
But ALSO as:
Sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own.
I feel like in our culture, it has transformed more into the first than the second. Just think, how many times have you heard people say about someone in a class or at work, "I tolerate him/her." People never say this about people they really like or relate to, ever notice that? No one says they tolerate their friends.
Yet "tolerance" is this big thing now for so many things - the LGBT community, different religions, and even just for different ways people live their lives.
What has tolerance become but a way to get by with little conflict? The way we use the word on an everyday basis is "putting up with" rather than "empathizing with." Tolerance, in our culture, has nothing to do with love. It has given us a way out of the struggle to love people we differ from.
Personally, I'd be offended if someone said they tolerated my beliefs, because to me, that means they're just brushing them aside and not giving a rat's ass about it.
Anyways, those are my thoughts. I'd never really considered the meaning of tolerance before.
Peace & Blessings
The allowable deviation from a standard;
But ALSO as:
Sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own.
I feel like in our culture, it has transformed more into the first than the second. Just think, how many times have you heard people say about someone in a class or at work, "I tolerate him/her." People never say this about people they really like or relate to, ever notice that? No one says they tolerate their friends.
Yet "tolerance" is this big thing now for so many things - the LGBT community, different religions, and even just for different ways people live their lives.
What has tolerance become but a way to get by with little conflict? The way we use the word on an everyday basis is "putting up with" rather than "empathizing with." Tolerance, in our culture, has nothing to do with love. It has given us a way out of the struggle to love people we differ from.
Personally, I'd be offended if someone said they tolerated my beliefs, because to me, that means they're just brushing them aside and not giving a rat's ass about it.
Anyways, those are my thoughts. I'd never really considered the meaning of tolerance before.
Peace & Blessings
Introversion?
I've always been sort of an attention hog, from a young age. BUT, only with people I knew. Elementary, middle, and high school was filled with answering questions in class, but only talking to the people I knew and having a hard time talking to boys (yes...I was that girl that was baffled when a guy I found attractive talked to me. "Umm....hehehe").
So when I got to college and actually was able to socialize normally and enjoyed meeting new people for the most part, I sort of just assumed I was becoming an extrovert! And man, was I relieved.
But this summer....I completely and utterly found out I was wrong. I'm still introverted. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is okay. That, yes, maybe I need time to myself to normalize, to think things over, to "recharge." But what's so bad about that? A lot of people are this way. And, hey, it saves me from wanting to go to parties where I don't really know anyone and drink just because that's what's happening. There's one thing I can be happy about.
Duna (my roommate) and I talked about it last night and I guess made sense of the fact that we both are a bit of introverts. Or maybe, too, we've just grown tired of all the bull that goes down on campus. Sorry that we don't want to get schwasted every weekend night and stay up doing nonsense til late and consequently wasting the next day with sleeping in and hangovers. SORRY. (not sorry)
Random...:
"Element" by Matthew Mayfield just came on, and this one hit me:
'Cause I'm human,
and I'm selfish;
got the feeling
I should deal with this,
but I'm hiding
and no one knows...
I've let myself become entangled in "me, myself, and I." It's been a constant my whole life...what do I want? How can I make myself look better? How can I become and remain the center of attention? How can I make my life more comfortable?
It's something that sickens me to see in other people, but have I been blind to my own self-centeredness? It seems as though I have. For a long time now, I've been thinking that I'm very selfless. I like helping people, I give my time to mission trips, volunteering, etc...but that's all worthless if all I'm doing it for is me and to boost how other people see me (this isn't totally true, but I know that some of this is in me).
If anything is my downfall, it will be my selfishness & pride.
I've noticed in church recently that when I'm singing supposed praises to our King, I'm more focused on my voice and how other people might see me worshipping. Should I raise my hands here? Should I be making a more pained facial expression? Maybe I should look like I'm getting really into the song. Am I jealous of the people in rows around me that are doing all these things? Am I perhaps jealous of their relationship with God, how they seem to be able to get so much more from these words and these melodies than I can? Why can't I just do that?
I feel often that God must be frustrated with me and all my feeble attempts to be with Him. Why? Because the focus is always on ME. How this relationship with Him will make ME better, MY life and future will get sorted out, I will feel safe...etc. I know He doesn't feel this way, He just loves me and is patiently waiting for me to ask for help or run to Him (or help in running to Him). But every time I think about this, I despise myself just a little bit more because I feel so proud and stubborn and unclean. Like, what is wrong with me that I can't be with Him...
But I know He wouldn't want me to think of myself that way. I know that.
God, show me how to leave this selfish, proud child behind and become a faithful woman. Please...it's somewhat exhausting being all about me. And I hate it.
Make me comfortable and joyful in any and every situation I am in. Whether I have nothing or plenty. Whether I am alone or surrounded with friends and family. Whether I am in a relationship or it is only You. Help me not just be "okay," but really live. Live for you, for others, for love. Help me to see and love the world the way that you see and love them. Take care of me when I can't see the finish line. Help me live with compassion for others. Help me live out Your Word. Help me
Monday, August 12, 2013
Psalm 46:10
Last night, I was challenged with a verse.
Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God."
There is so much in those few words.
Be still.
It's calming. It means that you're not focused on other things that might keep you busy. You're not anxious, thinking about what's next, fiddling your fingers.
It's a command. It speaks power, while not being a harsh demand. And commands come from authority. He is in control.
It shows that the speaker has much knowledge, as though He knows that there is nothing else truly more important at the time than what He has to say.
Know that I am God.
It seems kind of redundant at first. Like, okay, we know this already. You are God. But then the more you mull it over and realize the gravity and the full implications of the statement, you start to understand how incredible this "redundant" fact is. He is God. Omnipotent, omniscient, good, loving, just, faithful, Creator, holy, Alpha and Omega, and I could go on for so long....
It is implied that this is all we need to know: He is God. If this is all, then what does this mean to us? It should fully satisfy us, fulfill us, be the very Bread of Life and Living Water. He is telling us that He is all we need. Something that in our culture is absurd.
It is starkly humbling. There is nothing in here about us. It doesn't say, know that I am God and, oh yeah, you are great too! It is 100% on God. It doesn't matter who we are, because He is God. Our identity is found through Him, so to know who we are all we must know is who He is. Through this we understand we are God's children, but without His sacrifice, unable to know Him or be with Him because we have fallen short. It's not about what we can accomplish, or how much we have already. It is about Him. This is so hard to get through our puny little minds (I know it is especially difficult for me to fully understand since my biggest struggle is with pride...).
I love this verse, and I hope that God will show me new truths through it every time I read it.
Thanks to the friend that shared it. :) It was wonderful to start being able to quiet my mind (with God's help) and try to just focus on Him and Him only.
Peace & Blessings
Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God."
There is so much in those few words.
Be still.
It's calming. It means that you're not focused on other things that might keep you busy. You're not anxious, thinking about what's next, fiddling your fingers.
It's a command. It speaks power, while not being a harsh demand. And commands come from authority. He is in control.
It shows that the speaker has much knowledge, as though He knows that there is nothing else truly more important at the time than what He has to say.
Know that I am God.
It seems kind of redundant at first. Like, okay, we know this already. You are God. But then the more you mull it over and realize the gravity and the full implications of the statement, you start to understand how incredible this "redundant" fact is. He is God. Omnipotent, omniscient, good, loving, just, faithful, Creator, holy, Alpha and Omega, and I could go on for so long....
It is implied that this is all we need to know: He is God. If this is all, then what does this mean to us? It should fully satisfy us, fulfill us, be the very Bread of Life and Living Water. He is telling us that He is all we need. Something that in our culture is absurd.
It is starkly humbling. There is nothing in here about us. It doesn't say, know that I am God and, oh yeah, you are great too! It is 100% on God. It doesn't matter who we are, because He is God. Our identity is found through Him, so to know who we are all we must know is who He is. Through this we understand we are God's children, but without His sacrifice, unable to know Him or be with Him because we have fallen short. It's not about what we can accomplish, or how much we have already. It is about Him. This is so hard to get through our puny little minds (I know it is especially difficult for me to fully understand since my biggest struggle is with pride...).
I love this verse, and I hope that God will show me new truths through it every time I read it.
Thanks to the friend that shared it. :) It was wonderful to start being able to quiet my mind (with God's help) and try to just focus on Him and Him only.
Peace & Blessings
Monday, August 5, 2013
Ahhh!
Just reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.
Made me finally come to a realization. Not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with how simply it's written and how that finally let my brain and heart function correctly.
I think the reason I've been so hesitant to dropping my cares and worries and my selfish plans for my life and finally, finally just following God, being all-in, was because of the aftermath. Not that it would be tough, or that I might not like it. That it would be hard, hard as in I would have to do all of it. Me. I would have to put in all the work to make sure I stayed all-in, that I actually changed the world, and that I was a great, giving, and loving person.
But, HELLOOOO!! God is not just going to abandon me once I give myself to Him and His plans. That's pretty much the opposite! I'm not sure why I've been thinking of it that way for so long. But I'm glad He's finally revealed my wrong thinking to me.
Let's see what else God and this book can do!! :)
Peace & Blessings
Made me finally come to a realization. Not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with how simply it's written and how that finally let my brain and heart function correctly.
I think the reason I've been so hesitant to dropping my cares and worries and my selfish plans for my life and finally, finally just following God, being all-in, was because of the aftermath. Not that it would be tough, or that I might not like it. That it would be hard, hard as in I would have to do all of it. Me. I would have to put in all the work to make sure I stayed all-in, that I actually changed the world, and that I was a great, giving, and loving person.
But, HELLOOOO!! God is not just going to abandon me once I give myself to Him and His plans. That's pretty much the opposite! I'm not sure why I've been thinking of it that way for so long. But I'm glad He's finally revealed my wrong thinking to me.
Let's see what else God and this book can do!! :)
Peace & Blessings
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Realizations
yesterday i realized that a lot of the time,
i hate myself.
yep, i said it, i really really dislike me.
not all the time, but pretty dang often.
i think it's been going on for a while now
but i've finally sorted myself out enough to realize it.
sometimes i stare in the mirror hoping that if i just stare long enough,
maybe i'll start to like what i see.
maybe the "me" in the mirror will get normal enough
so i don't look away with a sigh,
thinking i'll try again later.
and it's not that i think i'm ugly, necessarily,
it's more about what's on the inside.
or maybe it's just my subconsciousness's way to force me to
deal with myself.
to look at me for who i really truly am and come to terms with that.
i guess i've come to terms with the fact that i don't like what i see.
i'm just frustrated.
with myself, with other people, with this idiotic world...
but mostly with myself.
like, why can't i be better at time management?
why can't i complete my homework on time?
why do i always fall asleep in class?
why can't i be less selfish?
why do i spend my money so frivolously?
....
why don't i take the time to connect with God?
why can't i learn to pray more often?
why, when i struggle with a sin, do i let myself give in instead of turning to God, knowing He would give me the strength to resist?
why do i feel like i'm only treating God as someone to be used to figure my own life out?
why don't i have my future sorted out?
why can't i figure my feelings out?
why can't i get to the gym more?
why do i have no self control when it comes to food?
why can't i understand physics?
why can't i force myself to study?
why can't i make more time for friends?
why can't i be more timely in lab?
....
why am i always "all or nothing?"
............and by no means is this an exhaustive list. probably just the ones i think on an everyday basis.
i'm incredibly overwhelmed, but right now the last thing i want to do is turn to God and ask for help in my time of weakness. I just want to crumble over and stay in my chair and nap. but i can't do that. physics. volunteering. seeing friends. taking notes. meh. i wish God could fix things, but with the situation i'm in, i just don't see a way out. so idk.
Peace&Blessings
i hate myself.
yep, i said it, i really really dislike me.
not all the time, but pretty dang often.
i think it's been going on for a while now
but i've finally sorted myself out enough to realize it.
sometimes i stare in the mirror hoping that if i just stare long enough,
maybe i'll start to like what i see.
maybe the "me" in the mirror will get normal enough
so i don't look away with a sigh,
thinking i'll try again later.
and it's not that i think i'm ugly, necessarily,
it's more about what's on the inside.
or maybe it's just my subconsciousness's way to force me to
deal with myself.
to look at me for who i really truly am and come to terms with that.
i guess i've come to terms with the fact that i don't like what i see.
i'm just frustrated.
with myself, with other people, with this idiotic world...
but mostly with myself.
like, why can't i be better at time management?
why can't i complete my homework on time?
why do i always fall asleep in class?
why can't i be less selfish?
why do i spend my money so frivolously?
....
why don't i take the time to connect with God?
why can't i learn to pray more often?
why, when i struggle with a sin, do i let myself give in instead of turning to God, knowing He would give me the strength to resist?
why do i feel like i'm only treating God as someone to be used to figure my own life out?
why don't i have my future sorted out?
why can't i figure my feelings out?
why can't i get to the gym more?
why do i have no self control when it comes to food?
why can't i understand physics?
why can't i force myself to study?
why can't i make more time for friends?
why can't i be more timely in lab?
....
why am i always "all or nothing?"
............and by no means is this an exhaustive list. probably just the ones i think on an everyday basis.
i'm incredibly overwhelmed, but right now the last thing i want to do is turn to God and ask for help in my time of weakness. I just want to crumble over and stay in my chair and nap. but i can't do that. physics. volunteering. seeing friends. taking notes. meh. i wish God could fix things, but with the situation i'm in, i just don't see a way out. so idk.
Peace&Blessings
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Randoms
Haven't posted in a while. Guess too much has been going on and I haven't been taking the time to sort all my thoughts and feelings out on here.
One thing I know: God has blessed me ever so much and wants the best for me. And yes, the best for me happens to be God himself. And who can argue with that logic?
Here I am. Laying in my bed past 2 am, unable to sleep, and I have to get up at 6. To volunteer, which I've been excited about for over a month now.
And now I'm wrestling with feelings. But like I was just reminded by in a post on facebook, God has perfect timing, knows far better than we do, and is FAITHFUL. I need help with my patience because most of the time, I'd rather take things into my own hands, maybe making mistakes, instead of waiting on direction. But not this time. I feel reassured.
Although I question whether some things are signs: same priorities >> same interests. Yes. And then this....maybe I think too much. (OK, I know I do, shhh.)
I really should sleep now but I feel restless. Hopefully sleep comes to me soon.
P.S. Green River Ordinance is a freaking sweet band. Take a listen.
Peace & Blessings
One thing I know: God has blessed me ever so much and wants the best for me. And yes, the best for me happens to be God himself. And who can argue with that logic?
Here I am. Laying in my bed past 2 am, unable to sleep, and I have to get up at 6. To volunteer, which I've been excited about for over a month now.
And now I'm wrestling with feelings. But like I was just reminded by in a post on facebook, God has perfect timing, knows far better than we do, and is FAITHFUL. I need help with my patience because most of the time, I'd rather take things into my own hands, maybe making mistakes, instead of waiting on direction. But not this time. I feel reassured.
Although I question whether some things are signs: same priorities >> same interests. Yes. And then this....maybe I think too much. (OK, I know I do, shhh.)
I really should sleep now but I feel restless. Hopefully sleep comes to me soon.
P.S. Green River Ordinance is a freaking sweet band. Take a listen.
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Here it is.
Just watched The Office finale, and it's got me all emotional and nostalgic.
It makes me really excited for the rest of my life. Makes me think, want to cherish every single moment I have because you never know how much the littlest, silliest things can mean or how they can change your life forever.
And I'm about in tears right now just thinking about everyone leaving next year. I know I'll always know my best friends that I've made here. But there's still something intrinsically sad about leaving the place you grew up in. I may have started in Monroe, NC and continued in Wadsworth, OH, but so much has changed because of my experiences and the people I've met in Columbus, OH. I wish I could say it better, that I could type the words these tears are trying to express.
We're growing up. I guess when I was little, 21 seemed so far away. Marriage, kids, a "big girl" job...those were all so abstract. But now that 21 is only three months away and graduation a year and a half...I'm realizing I hardly know how I got here. I wish I had a documentary of my life, like The Office, so I could go back and look at all the little things that made me who I am, some that I didn't even realize. But I suppose I can't dwell on the past. Just be thankful for it.
I have a lot of love to give. A lot of love, but it's all from God. I guess I'm just scared I won't be able to get it all out, give it all away. But that's not my responsibility, I guess, to make sure that everyone is loved. All I can do is my best and let God do the rest.
My fears? Not for me. I'll be okay. I have so much joy and so much hope, in God and all He can do here on this earth. There are so many angels all around us, I'm convinced. And He'll make everything work out. I can't wait to see you all in heaven. And I want to do everything possible to make sure I see you. The pain of this earth breaks my heart. Maybe I have to realize that I don't need to do something big and spectacular with my life to change the world. Maybe it's just loving people. And I'm 100% okay with that.
Dang. I can hardly see what I've typed through my tears. I promise they're happy. They're excited tears. For your lives, for mine.
...This song (because music is the air I breathe) was the backdrop to this blog post. Take a listen, I love it. You can get this song on NoiseTrade.com if you like it (search bonnaroo) for free! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAiAJXkSe78
Life is good. God is good.
Peace & Blessings
It makes me really excited for the rest of my life. Makes me think, want to cherish every single moment I have because you never know how much the littlest, silliest things can mean or how they can change your life forever.
And I'm about in tears right now just thinking about everyone leaving next year. I know I'll always know my best friends that I've made here. But there's still something intrinsically sad about leaving the place you grew up in. I may have started in Monroe, NC and continued in Wadsworth, OH, but so much has changed because of my experiences and the people I've met in Columbus, OH. I wish I could say it better, that I could type the words these tears are trying to express.
We're growing up. I guess when I was little, 21 seemed so far away. Marriage, kids, a "big girl" job...those were all so abstract. But now that 21 is only three months away and graduation a year and a half...I'm realizing I hardly know how I got here. I wish I had a documentary of my life, like The Office, so I could go back and look at all the little things that made me who I am, some that I didn't even realize. But I suppose I can't dwell on the past. Just be thankful for it.
I have a lot of love to give. A lot of love, but it's all from God. I guess I'm just scared I won't be able to get it all out, give it all away. But that's not my responsibility, I guess, to make sure that everyone is loved. All I can do is my best and let God do the rest.
My fears? Not for me. I'll be okay. I have so much joy and so much hope, in God and all He can do here on this earth. There are so many angels all around us, I'm convinced. And He'll make everything work out. I can't wait to see you all in heaven. And I want to do everything possible to make sure I see you. The pain of this earth breaks my heart. Maybe I have to realize that I don't need to do something big and spectacular with my life to change the world. Maybe it's just loving people. And I'm 100% okay with that.
Dang. I can hardly see what I've typed through my tears. I promise they're happy. They're excited tears. For your lives, for mine.
...This song (because music is the air I breathe) was the backdrop to this blog post. Take a listen, I love it. You can get this song on NoiseTrade.com if you like it (search bonnaroo) for free! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAiAJXkSe78
Life is good. God is good.
Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
A Change of Pace?
I'm really excited!
The EXPLORE Workshop has come to a close and has left me with something very different than what I expected. I came into this hoping to hone in on God's "mission" calling for me, still not having much of an idea what that might be. I'd thought for so long that it would be out of the country and I'd very much clung to this idea, and somewhat settled with the idea that God had this planned for me and now I could just push on forward and do it! Of course, that is definitely not the right way to go about it. I will change nothing in this world without God directing it and God actually being the one working on people's hearts, minds, and souls. Which, as a prideful, wanna be "self-sufficient" individualist in an individualistic culture is hard for me to take in and be at peace with. But when I look at the reasoning for, the foundation of why I want to change and repair what I do, I see that this is all based on God and His qualities and His love for the people of this world.
Here's what's going on now:
Today, something a leader of my church said got me surprisingly fired up. He was talking about how there was a partnership of churches in Lansing and the surrounding area that worked together to meet the needs of the least of these...the single and struggling mothers and teen moms, the families with parents out of a job that are grasping at straws to get by, the widows, the orphans, the physically and mentally handicapped, the homeless, and the elderly. Each area church specializes in meeting a different need, such as baby clothes, diapers, caregivers, you name it, and when there is a need in that area, that church steps up and meets that person where they are, serving them and caring for them like maybe no one else would.
First thing I thought? THIS DISMANTLES THE BYSTANDER EFFECT. Which, if you've studied psychology/sociology, you'll know is the phenomenon of seeing someone suffering or hurting, but passing by and not helping simply because there are a lot of other people around you. This "crowd" falsely assures you that someone else will come to this person's rescue. This ends in a lack of aid and an extension and exacerbation of pain. But if there is an "institution" in place, this local partnership of churches, where there is specialization, these needs, these people, will not be ignored. Cannot be ignored. Why? Because the buck stops there. No excuse for ignorance.
Let me tell you a little about what I am feeling called to, but first, more of what I believe...
There are things intrinsically wrong with how this country is run. No, this time not the politicians (though I could probably talk forever on corruption and greed). This time, the basis and purpose of the government and the role the Church plays in our society and in meeting this nation's needs.
Plus, God commands us to care for the orphan, the widow, the last, lost, and least. So what are we doing sitting on our butts?! (I am guilty of this laziness also so I am not judging, just calling out this behavior in all of us to better this planet.)
I am convinced that between God (okay, let's be honest, all God - for we can do pretty much nothing without Him) and the small services we can do for our neighbors that WE CAN TURN THIS WORLD AROUND.
What do I want to do? Serve. Research. Draft up a plan. That's right, not just an idea - but a well thought out plan. You might wonder, what are you even thinking you can do with this plan, Jenna? Well, the hope is, God willing and leading, present it to these conferences. Get an audience with some influence. Get people on my side and get them EXCITED. Why? Because the way I see it, this is a revolution. This is new and radical (though it shouldn't be) and in reality, no Christian should be opposed. I mean...it's helping people. It's loving people.
Do good.
Do no harm.
Love God & love others.
Simple as that. Let me know if you want to be a part of this! I'm not backing down, and neither will my faith in the one true God.
Peace&Blessings
The EXPLORE Workshop has come to a close and has left me with something very different than what I expected. I came into this hoping to hone in on God's "mission" calling for me, still not having much of an idea what that might be. I'd thought for so long that it would be out of the country and I'd very much clung to this idea, and somewhat settled with the idea that God had this planned for me and now I could just push on forward and do it! Of course, that is definitely not the right way to go about it. I will change nothing in this world without God directing it and God actually being the one working on people's hearts, minds, and souls. Which, as a prideful, wanna be "self-sufficient" individualist in an individualistic culture is hard for me to take in and be at peace with. But when I look at the reasoning for, the foundation of why I want to change and repair what I do, I see that this is all based on God and His qualities and His love for the people of this world.
Here's what's going on now:
Today, something a leader of my church said got me surprisingly fired up. He was talking about how there was a partnership of churches in Lansing and the surrounding area that worked together to meet the needs of the least of these...the single and struggling mothers and teen moms, the families with parents out of a job that are grasping at straws to get by, the widows, the orphans, the physically and mentally handicapped, the homeless, and the elderly. Each area church specializes in meeting a different need, such as baby clothes, diapers, caregivers, you name it, and when there is a need in that area, that church steps up and meets that person where they are, serving them and caring for them like maybe no one else would.
First thing I thought? THIS DISMANTLES THE BYSTANDER EFFECT. Which, if you've studied psychology/sociology, you'll know is the phenomenon of seeing someone suffering or hurting, but passing by and not helping simply because there are a lot of other people around you. This "crowd" falsely assures you that someone else will come to this person's rescue. This ends in a lack of aid and an extension and exacerbation of pain. But if there is an "institution" in place, this local partnership of churches, where there is specialization, these needs, these people, will not be ignored. Cannot be ignored. Why? Because the buck stops there. No excuse for ignorance.
Let me tell you a little about what I am feeling called to, but first, more of what I believe...
There are things intrinsically wrong with how this country is run. No, this time not the politicians (though I could probably talk forever on corruption and greed). This time, the basis and purpose of the government and the role the Church plays in our society and in meeting this nation's needs.
- The government was created to be a structured leadership for this nation. One that made laws and found ways to improve the country as a whole. It was concerned with directly and accurately representing the people, namely through democracy.
- The Church is a body. A vessel of God's love and care and compassion for the world. The radically new church of Acts 2 shows the members loving and serving one another in the most selfless ways. You had plenty? You [happily and willingly] supported those who didn't. This reached throughout the whole community and no one went without. This was true community - and they loved it.
- This community and service oriented "body" was focused on bypassing the iniquities people suffered and the separation between the poor and rich. Why? Because it's all God's anyways. None of it is anything we can take with us when we leave this world. They didn't turn people away because they seemingly had nothing to offer. And, mind you, this was still back in the time where people believed if you were blessed with riches it was God blessing you, i.e. you must have been doing something right. And they were still giving up their money to those less well off.
There are more efficient ways to do everything, of this I am certain. This can apply to helping, to churches, as well.
What if churches all over banded together to love and serve people, the least of these, the way that Jesus would, were He still on earth in the flesh? The way God designed us to care for one another?
Well, here's the kicker: there are already conferences of churches formed all over this country.
But this is probably something you knew.
At these annual conferences or gatherings, much of what is discussed, I presume (and somewhat know) is doctrine. And sure, this is important for the Church to run smoothly. But I highly doubt that all this time spent discussing such things is really needed. (Now, I do not want to offend anyone or say that these conferences are useless, because that is definitely not what I believe.)
This is what I'm really excited about:
What if the Church spent more time figuring out how to love their communities (local and global) than how to get higher numbers in their pews on Sunday morning?
One of my pastors from back home is using this idea of missional community instead of invitational community to lead his new church plant in Columbus (C3-CampusCityChurch) - and it's just now hitting me how completely amazing that is. Why? Because allowing people to see God in us first is many times a lot more effective than just telling them about Him. And how do we do that? By loving and serving them humbly and selflessly.
Plus, God commands us to care for the orphan, the widow, the last, lost, and least. So what are we doing sitting on our butts?! (I am guilty of this laziness also so I am not judging, just calling out this behavior in all of us to better this planet.)
I am convinced that between God (okay, let's be honest, all God - for we can do pretty much nothing without Him) and the small services we can do for our neighbors that WE CAN TURN THIS WORLD AROUND.
What do I want to do? Serve. Research. Draft up a plan. That's right, not just an idea - but a well thought out plan. You might wonder, what are you even thinking you can do with this plan, Jenna? Well, the hope is, God willing and leading, present it to these conferences. Get an audience with some influence. Get people on my side and get them EXCITED. Why? Because the way I see it, this is a revolution. This is new and radical (though it shouldn't be) and in reality, no Christian should be opposed. I mean...it's helping people. It's loving people.
Do good.
Do no harm.
Love God & love others.
Simple as that. Let me know if you want to be a part of this! I'm not backing down, and neither will my faith in the one true God.
Peace&Blessings
Thursday, May 2, 2013
So far!
Two people loving the Lord makes instant connections. I love it!
However, my time here has already challenged me by forcing me to look at the ways in which I act and how that affects others.
Mainly, in trusting others. I believe that, perhaps for quite a while now, God has been challenging me to humble myself. This might mean during a group project I would have to back off and trust people to do what they were assigned. I'm worried that when this is applied to school it will mean giving up my grades...which is something I just cannot bear to do. I suppose it's one thing I find my identity in. If I'm not the A+ student, sometimes I fail to see who I am. Which I realize is a very skewed view of myself and even what is important in life. But hey, that's where I'm at right now.
Also, I'm pretty terrified right now.
Why?
Because I'm afraid that this foreign workshop will tell me that this is not what I'm meant to do. But...then what do I do? I guess I had kind of planned on this being what I turned to. Which means I'm not trusting God with my future...just giving myself the illusion that I was. I guess this is another thing I need God's help with.
Otherwise I'm really enjoying the company and the time in Michigan! :)
Peace & Blessings
However, my time here has already challenged me by forcing me to look at the ways in which I act and how that affects others.
Mainly, in trusting others. I believe that, perhaps for quite a while now, God has been challenging me to humble myself. This might mean during a group project I would have to back off and trust people to do what they were assigned. I'm worried that when this is applied to school it will mean giving up my grades...which is something I just cannot bear to do. I suppose it's one thing I find my identity in. If I'm not the A+ student, sometimes I fail to see who I am. Which I realize is a very skewed view of myself and even what is important in life. But hey, that's where I'm at right now.
Also, I'm pretty terrified right now.
Why?
Because I'm afraid that this foreign workshop will tell me that this is not what I'm meant to do. But...then what do I do? I guess I had kind of planned on this being what I turned to. Which means I'm not trusting God with my future...just giving myself the illusion that I was. I guess this is another thing I need God's help with.
Otherwise I'm really enjoying the company and the time in Michigan! :)
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, April 28, 2013
I have not been persistent...
So I have this workshop about foreign missions coming up in a few days, which I'm super excited about! Four days with a couple good friends in Michigan, what's not to love? (Other than the fact that it's in Michigan.) BUT...
I've been totally ignoring anything and everything surrounding that topic since I signed up a couple weeks back.
Yes, I am super excited about my future and where God's going to lead me. But every time I think I'm smooth sailing, good to go, nothing holding me back, BOOM, doubt once again surfaces. No, no, maybe it's not doubt. It's more of fear. I'm too scared to actually start pursuing things to set me up for opportunities post-college. Why? I'm afraid that I might choose the "wrong" thing and mess everything up.
But then I think, I'm worrying about choosing the "wrong" path...so am I praying about it? Consistently and fervently? Including God in my decisions? - no, rather focusing my decisions on God and praying for direction?
.....no.....
Well shoot. I shouldn't even be complaining then. I have a clear way to calm my fears. PRAY.
Also, I'm feeling very insecure. I read through the list of people going to the workshop and most have been on multiple foreign mission trips before. I haven't even felt called (or secure enough) to go on the out-of-country foreign missions trips offered by my home church or my campus church. And I know I've had it in my mind and on my heart since the end of high school that foreign missions was where I was meant to be, but I feel like I know nothing about it (reason #1 I'm attending this workshop) and I feel like it is something so abstract to many people I talk to. Why? Because at this point, I'm not going to have anything that most would see as a helpful skill in going over there, wherever "there" is. Which kind of freaks me out too. I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I can offer.
I can love people and serve them. And I suppose that the Bible does say that God equips whom He calls, not the other way around. (I suppose?? This is a great truth that I am not able to fully appreciate right now, it seems.)
Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Hebrews 13:20-21 "Now may the God of peace...equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever."
I needed that reminder. That this is GOD'S story, and He is going to make happen what is supposed to happen. He wants His children to love and serve one another, ultimately bringing all of us closer to Him. So if I'm trying my darndest to love and serve, I doubt He will leave me hanging.
I also have not been praying about a couple (ok, a few) other things. So if any prayer warriors out there feel like helping me out, I'd greatly appreciate it :)
A) What to do with the free time I'm going to have this summer and in May. I'd love to spend it volunteering and investing in friends, coworkers, and classmates, but the specifics of those are hard to pin down.
B) In anticipation of the fall, I'm going to have to decide which team at h2o I'm going to be a part of. Half the year I was thinking that I would go to off-campus because that would be more my age (somewhat) and hopefully closer to me. But then I realized, why would I want to leave South Scarlet? So now I'm just not sure. I've got a while, but I would like to be prepared and have some idea this summer - so praying now! Also, whether or not to lead a small group next year.
C) My fall semester is going to be terrible time-wise. So I'm considering dropping one of the classes and putting it off until the spring. However, I'm not sure if I need to, but I've been reminded of the fact that I said (and know) that relationships are something I really value developing, and people time is hard to have when I'm overwhelmed by a million classes. So whether or not to drop that class.
D) I have a lot of pride associated with my grades. I said to my team leader, Kathy, earlier this semester that I'd realized that grades in my classes were the one thing I would not give up for God. And once I said it out loud I realized how bad that was. So that has been challenging me because I never thought about God calling me to give up the 4.0 I'm obsessed with to build into Him and His children. It's one of the more challenging thoughts I've had recently.
Thanks to whoever is reading! :)
Peace & Blessings
I've been totally ignoring anything and everything surrounding that topic since I signed up a couple weeks back.
Yes, I am super excited about my future and where God's going to lead me. But every time I think I'm smooth sailing, good to go, nothing holding me back, BOOM, doubt once again surfaces. No, no, maybe it's not doubt. It's more of fear. I'm too scared to actually start pursuing things to set me up for opportunities post-college. Why? I'm afraid that I might choose the "wrong" thing and mess everything up.
But then I think, I'm worrying about choosing the "wrong" path...so am I praying about it? Consistently and fervently? Including God in my decisions? - no, rather focusing my decisions on God and praying for direction?
.....no.....
Well shoot. I shouldn't even be complaining then. I have a clear way to calm my fears. PRAY.
Also, I'm feeling very insecure. I read through the list of people going to the workshop and most have been on multiple foreign mission trips before. I haven't even felt called (or secure enough) to go on the out-of-country foreign missions trips offered by my home church or my campus church. And I know I've had it in my mind and on my heart since the end of high school that foreign missions was where I was meant to be, but I feel like I know nothing about it (reason #1 I'm attending this workshop) and I feel like it is something so abstract to many people I talk to. Why? Because at this point, I'm not going to have anything that most would see as a helpful skill in going over there, wherever "there" is. Which kind of freaks me out too. I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I can offer.
I can love people and serve them. And I suppose that the Bible does say that God equips whom He calls, not the other way around. (I suppose?? This is a great truth that I am not able to fully appreciate right now, it seems.)
Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Hebrews 13:20-21 "Now may the God of peace...equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever."
I needed that reminder. That this is GOD'S story, and He is going to make happen what is supposed to happen. He wants His children to love and serve one another, ultimately bringing all of us closer to Him. So if I'm trying my darndest to love and serve, I doubt He will leave me hanging.
I also have not been praying about a couple (ok, a few) other things. So if any prayer warriors out there feel like helping me out, I'd greatly appreciate it :)
A) What to do with the free time I'm going to have this summer and in May. I'd love to spend it volunteering and investing in friends, coworkers, and classmates, but the specifics of those are hard to pin down.
B) In anticipation of the fall, I'm going to have to decide which team at h2o I'm going to be a part of. Half the year I was thinking that I would go to off-campus because that would be more my age (somewhat) and hopefully closer to me. But then I realized, why would I want to leave South Scarlet? So now I'm just not sure. I've got a while, but I would like to be prepared and have some idea this summer - so praying now! Also, whether or not to lead a small group next year.
C) My fall semester is going to be terrible time-wise. So I'm considering dropping one of the classes and putting it off until the spring. However, I'm not sure if I need to, but I've been reminded of the fact that I said (and know) that relationships are something I really value developing, and people time is hard to have when I'm overwhelmed by a million classes. So whether or not to drop that class.
D) I have a lot of pride associated with my grades. I said to my team leader, Kathy, earlier this semester that I'd realized that grades in my classes were the one thing I would not give up for God. And once I said it out loud I realized how bad that was. So that has been challenging me because I never thought about God calling me to give up the 4.0 I'm obsessed with to build into Him and His children. It's one of the more challenging thoughts I've had recently.
Thanks to whoever is reading! :)
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, April 25, 2013
BLESSED. So incredibly blessed.
Much like I posted about last year around this time, I don't know where this year has gone...
I've been thinking about all I wanted to do this school year, and with that, realizing all that I have not accomplished, at least from this list. It's kind of upsetting, really. However, I did realize something else. GOD has done a lot this year. In me, around me, and maybe even through me. In that aspect, it's been pretty dang productive. So I'm going to list out all that I can remember! It's always a great thing to look back on and cling to in the darker days. It's dragged me out of the grim places more than a few times.
(And yes, I am doing this instead of studying for my finals. I needed a break, alright?)
I've been thinking about all I wanted to do this school year, and with that, realizing all that I have not accomplished, at least from this list. It's kind of upsetting, really. However, I did realize something else. GOD has done a lot this year. In me, around me, and maybe even through me. In that aspect, it's been pretty dang productive. So I'm going to list out all that I can remember! It's always a great thing to look back on and cling to in the darker days. It's dragged me out of the grim places more than a few times.
(And yes, I am doing this instead of studying for my finals. I needed a break, alright?)
- I've made countless friends on the 2 mission trips I've been on with h2o this year, to Tuscaloosa, AL with Habitat for Humanity, and Altamont, TN with Mountain T.O.P.
- Through both of these, He's also introduced me to the most amazing communities I've ever experienced. Joking, loving, pursuing deep relationships, encouraging, refocusing, and serving are the things held dear.
- He's shown me His truest colors, an incredible and unwavering agape love, in the way of blooming relationships, answered prayers (even when I was not persistent in asking!), forgiveness given me by friends, using others as angels to help me out, and just little miracles and moments that made everything work out better than expected. AND in being able to see what He is doing in people's lives around me, which is always extremely encouraging. He has shown me how active He truly is!
- I shouldn't even get myself started on what He's been doing in regards to my future. I've gone from nursing (being happy to be there to uncomfortable with what that path meant), back to pre-med, and now just Molecular Genetics...which I don't think I'll even be using post-undergrad. It's been a roller coaster ride without a doubt. BUT, He's brought me to a place where I am actually comfortable and excited about not knowing what my future holds, even just next year. I have never been able to say that before without it being a complete lie.
- He has truly opened my eyes to the opportunities around me, past just medicine or whatever else I was clinging to.
- He has kindled in me a HUGE passion for serving and loving people!
- He has shaped and changed not just what I tell people my passions are, but really what they are (i.e. lost the passion for medicine, gained more for serving/loving, and even how I feel about other people, aka in relationships).
- A few weeks ago, I feel like He really answered my prayer for at least a glimpse into what my unknown future would hold. Through the relationships I've been able to form with people in my classes this semester, and at work and h2o, He's given me a newfound love for people that I didn't always have before. He's shown me that whatever my future holds, I'm going to need to have time to invest in people, learn about them and be a part of their lives! I want to use my life as an example of radical, unequivocal love that I know (and I hope others will see) comes straight from God. And yes, I am acknowledging that I will make mistakes and will fail because I am not perfect. But here's to trying, and here's to knowing that I'm not alone in this mission :)
- I got the opportunity to co-lead a small group for h2o this year! There were struggles and joys, but I am so thankful for the opportunity. I feel like every time I've had a leadership position, God has used it to grow me in the qualities a servant leader needs!
- I was encouraged this year in Tennessee by being a co-leader of a tribe that seemed to really grow together and mesh, after a tough time being a leader the past year and realizing that I had no idea what I was doing. This year God allowed me to come in to the trip with no expectations (not needing it to be better/worse than the last 2 years), but a desire to be one with my group, and to lead them by serving and humbling myself. Which, was challenging, but God helped me immensely and really grew me as a leader and a friend :)
- Through my Lenten promise to give up alcohol (shhh I know I'm not 21 yet...), God has shown me how faithful He really is. Once I got the courage to get the words "I gave up alcohol for Lent" out of my mouth, He helped me stick to it. It was an eye opener, and wasn't even that difficult with His help. He let me take a step back from the situation and see the harm it can do me.
- I was even able to talk to my dad about my struggles, and learn more about my family's history with that sort of thing, and have a reminder that no matter what happens, I have a strong support system at home. They've shown me grace and understanding.
This is not at all an exhaustive list, but WOW, I'm astounded at this year already! I'm only stopping because I have to go to work. (Another thing I need to add to this list! And my struggles with singleness, so that I don't forget.)
Peace & Blessings
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