I mentioned "the flood" in the last post. Thought it was over, but this weekend proved otherwise.
I'd like to start with the fact that I'm fine. I'm really okay and that is a relief. I know God must have a lot to do with that.
Sunday, the day of my baptism, came with a huge realization (thanks to God, and some mixed communication the night before): where I was putting my identity was quickly slipping away from God and into my relationship, into my pride, into other people. I begged and pleaded that morning for God to change me, to show me how to keep my identity and self God-focused instead of world-focused. I asked for comfort, because I was welling up with worry and fear of the unknown; the distance between my then-boyfriend and I, that we'd both felt, that he'd been thinking about, that we needed to talk about... My emotions were everywhere, for I don't think I've quite learned how to control all of them again.
I got baptized, though feeling incredibly challenged. I was hurting, but I think God knew that it was coming at a good time. I needed to be able to choose Him in the good and the bad times. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, or that right now still isn't hard. But I can rest in the fact that God is always near me and looking out for me, even when I don't feel Him. That's faith, I suppose.
Right after the baptism I came home to an empty apartment, thinking to work on my paper (hadn't started, due Tuesday...). A panic attack ensued, tangled with an onslaught of tears and choking sobs. I was in pain, my mind and my heart were in pain and as much as I knew that something was wrong, that something painful was on its way, I couldn't do a thing about it. I cried out to God, asking for some sense of peace, some reasoning behind all this. I didn't feel a direct answer, per se, but the song that was playing (and had been stuck in my head all morning), was calling me towards what God was asking of me:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves,
when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
for I am Yours, and You are mine
["Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)," Hillsong United]
Talk about real faith. This broke me down in service that morning too. I want that. I want that real faith, growing faith, that cultivates my trust into one "without borders," where I rest in God and His promises even when I feel like I'm about to drown (i.e., that afternoon).
After the attack, I was so worn out emotionally and mentally that I stopped thinking about it for the most part.
We broke it off that night. Amicably, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rough. We'd rushed into it too fast, completely skipping the oh-so-important friendship phase. It was just a step back, back to see how friendship would go, and not a failure, as I was so temped to look at it as. He told me not to shut off my emotions this time, not to numb myself like I am so prone to do. I said that I didn't know how to do that, which is true; I have no idea. Prayer, asking God is really the only answer I think. I didn't mean to shut them off last time, but it was so hard turning them back on, quite painful really. I don't want to experience that again, or lose them again (as rotten as they can be, they are necessary and can be truly beautiful).
So, you might ask, what was the point of the relationship at all? Well, like I said in my last post, I think we both grew a ton. I know I grew a lot closer to God, got into and really enjoyed His Word, was challenged with pride and my skewed priorities, and then lastly where I was putting my identity. (Looking back, I did ask for God to wreck me and leave only Him...so I suppose it was partially my fault...) With my and God's help, he dug out of a long-time struggle and was able to see it clearly for the first time ever. That was huge.
Who knows if we'll get back together; but I do know that what happened was meant to be. If no relationship follows, I sincerely hope we are able to continue friendship (which I'm still trying to learn what that even looks like; "being casual" is a foreign concept to me). God knows what He's doing, I don't question that (well, most of the time don't question it).
That, my friends, was one heck of a flood. Though I didn't always feel Him with me this struggle-bus weekend, I took (and take) comfort in the fact that He cared for me enough to warn me that hard times were ahead: "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." He's there and He loves me, and I think that's a huge chunk of all I need to know about Him.
Yes, my blog posts are always a million pages long. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS/THOUGHTS, OKAY? :)
Peace & Blessings
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