An open letter:
to God.
I have not been faithful. I have not trusted in your wonder and absolute perfection like I should...like I want to. I crave you, I crave to know you. My body, mind, and heart aches to know you more, to know your plan for my life.
But God, I am drowning. I don't feel useful, or worthy, or good enough for anything, especially not you. And it is true that I could never live up to your perfect standards...but I know the next part, the grace and mercy and that you sent your son to die in our place so now we are perfect in your eyes, yet I still feel like I'm the worst Christian out there. I know comparison kills, but hey we humans do a lot of things that kill.
I'm scared to "dive in" because 1) that may mean changing my plans, a LOT, and 2) well frankly, I don't even know what "diving in" means or looks like. And I think that's why I'm so terrified/turned off to baptism. I don't want to say I'm committing and then fail again.
"Of this I'm sure: the past don't own us anymore." This line just came up in a song right when I was typing the last sentence. Wow. That couldn't have been anything but YOU showing me that you've forgotten things of the past, so shouldn't I too? Or, at least, you've forgotten the sin. Wiped it away. I keep feeling like I'm going to fail you, to let you down. I have to remind myself that you don't even need me, so I can't let you down. Plus, you know I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm needy. For goodness' sake, you made me that way!!!
You have loved me and I have fought back with all I have.
You have called to me, and I have ignored.
You've forgiven me, yet I still blame you for things of this world.
You've held me in the palm of your hand and taken care of me, but I've climbed out of your hands and tried to do it on my own.
You've listened to my every plea, I've looked past those you've told me to love.
I'm stuck in between two attitudes: one of being broken and dealing with my own iniquities, or one of resting in the knowledge that I am your daughter, a princess in your eyes. And in typing this, I've just realized I don't think I've every truly rested in the latter. I am constantly focused on how I'm not good enough for you, how I have so far to go before I can deserve to be close with you, before I can be deserving of a man after your heart...and I just feel like I will never reach that point. I don't know why or how I can just look past the truth that says that that is EXACTLY what the cross was for. I want to make that jump completely. I want to be there with you, God!
Amen
Peace & Blessings
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