Realizations

yesterday i realized that a lot of the time,
i hate myself.

yep, i said it, i really really dislike me.
not all the time, but pretty dang often.
i think it's been going on for a while now
but i've finally sorted myself out enough to realize it.

sometimes i stare in the mirror hoping that if i just stare long enough,
maybe i'll start to like what i see.
maybe the "me" in the mirror will get normal enough
so i don't look away with a sigh,
thinking i'll try again later.

and it's not that i think i'm ugly, necessarily,
it's more about what's on the inside.

or maybe it's just my subconsciousness's way to force me to
deal with myself.
to look at me for who i really truly am and come to terms with that.

i guess i've come to terms with the fact that i don't like what i see.

i'm just frustrated.
with myself, with other people, with this idiotic world...
but mostly with myself.

like, why can't i be better at time management?
why can't i complete my homework on time?
why do i always fall asleep in class?
why can't i be less selfish?
why do i spend my money so frivolously?
....
why don't i take the time to connect with God?
why can't i learn to pray more often?
why, when i struggle with a sin, do i let myself give in instead of turning to God, knowing He would give me the strength to resist?
why do i feel like i'm only treating God as someone to be used to figure my own life out?
why don't i have my future sorted out?
why can't i figure my feelings out?
why can't i get to the gym more?
why do i have no self control when it comes to food?
why can't i understand physics?
why can't i force myself to study?
why can't i make more time for friends?
why can't i be more timely in lab?
....
why am i always "all or nothing?"

............and by no means is this an exhaustive list. probably just the ones i think on an everyday basis.

i'm incredibly overwhelmed, but right now the last thing i want to do is turn to God and ask for help in my time of weakness. I just want to crumble over and stay in my chair and nap. but i can't do that. physics. volunteering. seeing friends. taking notes. meh. i wish God could fix things, but with the situation i'm in, i just don't see a way out. so idk.

Peace&Blessings