Days like this.

It's days like today that I wonder if something really is wrong with me.

Like, how could I forget so easily what I had said I'd do? How could I mess up and not know how to make it right...how do things just fly out of my mind and make me so fickle?

Is it just me? I'm not doing these things on purpose. People say you'll remember things that are important to you....but that is not always true. Heck, I remember the moment I heard the Blue October song "Into the Ocean" for the first time like it was yesterday, but I can't remember to keep in touch with a friend. What.

And then the pride...I try to apologize but my pride is like, how can I make me sound not as awful of a person? I mean, I suppose there were things that prevented what should have happened...when really I should just shut up, be humble and say sorry without a "but" on the end. I make mistakes- DEAL WITH IT, SELF.

And so now I feel like I've thrown a glass at the ground and it's shattered into a thousand pieces and I just stare at it. My first thought is, throw some glue at it! Let's try the only way to fix it that I know how. But things take time and I have to deal with my mistake and give some time. I'm not patient. (I'm not proud of that either.)

I feel dark and gray and cold and beaten down. Hopeless at points. With this, with studying, with my walk with God, with my emotions, with the sad state of this campus...with how I act on a day to day basis that is so NOT representative of Jesus and His love. I make myself sick.

And here I am again; I thought I was done with this. With having those all-too-familiar moments of self-hate (do we all face this at some point?). And please don't get me wrong- not self-harm. NEVER self-harm. I hate what and who I am in this world, I hate that I can't change myself from the selfish, forgetful, fickle, annoying, fearful person I am. It's deep-seeded and it's overwhelming. I know that I'll crawl out of it eventually, every time, but it gets tiring facing it all.

And here now I'm going to put it out there...I always tell people my biggest fear is balding (I know, weird) or not living up to my full purpose. But right now it's not. As silly as it sounds to myself and most others, my biggest fear is that I have some sort of emotional-level problem (a very very mild bipolar disorder or something). This is hard for me to say. I have been dealing with my whole "all-or-nothing" mentality for the last year and a half now (dealing in a sense that I've just realized it, though I can see it back through most of my life) and I think that part of me is so desperate to have something to blame that on...that it's not my personality, it's some sort of a disorder...that I'd even consider something as drastic as that. I can't believe I'm even saying it. I think I treat this blog like a psychiatrist sometimes...

Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me. [Beautiful Eulogy's "Anchor"]

But then I'm reminded of things like this, things like The Well on Thursday (that it isn't our own power that causes our life and heart transformation, but it is God and his mercy), things that show me that God is near and with me even in these dark moments, even when I'm not trusting Him well. Even when I am literally shaking because I don't know my next move. Even when I think I might be a little messed up or out of control.

But I WILL NOT BE PARALYZED THIS TIME. Not with fear, not with hopes of running away from all of it....I will run to God and He will comfort me. He will change me. He will give me confidence and hope that chases away all the fear I harbor inside the very fibers of my being. I will be honest and loving and hope that that makes a way for clarity and newness. I will love myself because God loves me. I will not participate in self-deprication unless it leads to true, Godly repentance.

This is my hope and my prayer. I'm thirsty for Your mercy.

Peace & Blessings