So when I got to college and actually was able to socialize normally and enjoyed meeting new people for the most part, I sort of just assumed I was becoming an extrovert! And man, was I relieved.
But this summer....I completely and utterly found out I was wrong. I'm still introverted. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is okay. That, yes, maybe I need time to myself to normalize, to think things over, to "recharge." But what's so bad about that? A lot of people are this way. And, hey, it saves me from wanting to go to parties where I don't really know anyone and drink just because that's what's happening. There's one thing I can be happy about.
Duna (my roommate) and I talked about it last night and I guess made sense of the fact that we both are a bit of introverts. Or maybe, too, we've just grown tired of all the bull that goes down on campus. Sorry that we don't want to get schwasted every weekend night and stay up doing nonsense til late and consequently wasting the next day with sleeping in and hangovers. SORRY. (not sorry)
Random...:
"Element" by Matthew Mayfield just came on, and this one hit me:
'Cause I'm human,
and I'm selfish;
got the feeling
I should deal with this,
but I'm hiding
and no one knows...
I've let myself become entangled in "me, myself, and I." It's been a constant my whole life...what do I want? How can I make myself look better? How can I become and remain the center of attention? How can I make my life more comfortable?
It's something that sickens me to see in other people, but have I been blind to my own self-centeredness? It seems as though I have. For a long time now, I've been thinking that I'm very selfless. I like helping people, I give my time to mission trips, volunteering, etc...but that's all worthless if all I'm doing it for is me and to boost how other people see me (this isn't totally true, but I know that some of this is in me).
If anything is my downfall, it will be my selfishness & pride.
I've noticed in church recently that when I'm singing supposed praises to our King, I'm more focused on my voice and how other people might see me worshipping. Should I raise my hands here? Should I be making a more pained facial expression? Maybe I should look like I'm getting really into the song. Am I jealous of the people in rows around me that are doing all these things? Am I perhaps jealous of their relationship with God, how they seem to be able to get so much more from these words and these melodies than I can? Why can't I just do that?
I feel often that God must be frustrated with me and all my feeble attempts to be with Him. Why? Because the focus is always on ME. How this relationship with Him will make ME better, MY life and future will get sorted out, I will feel safe...etc. I know He doesn't feel this way, He just loves me and is patiently waiting for me to ask for help or run to Him (or help in running to Him). But every time I think about this, I despise myself just a little bit more because I feel so proud and stubborn and unclean. Like, what is wrong with me that I can't be with Him...
But I know He wouldn't want me to think of myself that way. I know that.
God, show me how to leave this selfish, proud child behind and become a faithful woman. Please...it's somewhat exhausting being all about me. And I hate it.
Make me comfortable and joyful in any and every situation I am in. Whether I have nothing or plenty. Whether I am alone or surrounded with friends and family. Whether I am in a relationship or it is only You. Help me not just be "okay," but really live. Live for you, for others, for love. Help me to see and love the world the way that you see and love them. Take care of me when I can't see the finish line. Help me live with compassion for others. Help me live out Your Word. Help me
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