The Battle

There has been an intense battle inside me today. I have felt incredibly lonely, and in that I looked to God, but even as I did so my mind wandered…I questioned my worth, and a lot more.

These two songs came up back to back right in the middle of the pain today. Paints a pretty accurate picture of my two sides in this battle.

Matthew Mayfield, "Element"
I'm screamin' my lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing you were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize a million times
But I'm human and I'm selfish
Got the feeling I should deal with this
But I'm hiding, and no one knows,
They don't…
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?

Tenth Avenue North, "By Your Side"
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I'm (God) not enough?
To where will you go, child
Tell me where will you run, where will you run?
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you,
My hands are holding you…
Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, I love you, I'll never let you go, no…

I've been lonely. Isolated. Wanting to be with people and talk deeply but instead being alone because talking would be too draining or I just don't want to, thanks to my stubbornness. I've felt the ache of singleness that I haven't felt so strongly in a long time. I've tried to explain what I've felt today and I don't know how much sense it has made. All I know is that in the depths of loneliness I've been in today, the reasons for my harmless desires changed and they became what they should not be. (Wanting to be married/have a family turned to wanting these things because then some people would really truly need me, and I would be "fulfilled." That's just plain wrong.) But that has helped me to see just a little more clearly now that I'm out of the pit.

Thanks to my God and a couple spectacular friends- I am doing much better tonight. I only hope I could be even half the friend that you two have been to me.

Much love,
Peace & Blessings

A Flood

WARNING, this has not been proofread, it is just a stream of my thoughts so I apologize for a lack of flow/coherence.

It's been a while.

Maybe it's because too much has been going on in my mind and in my heart, or maybe that I've been ignoring it (and writing a blog post means I have to start sorting things out…well, sort things out as I write). Maybe it's because I've been putting up a mask for a while now.

Sometimes it's easier to live that way. To give the right answers, to appear excited and eager so that there's no questioning of whether you're "in" or not, to be vulnerable and share the stuff that you've already numbed yourself to.

I haven't wanted to engage. Why? Because everything around me is changing, and I feel like I'm not. I feel stuck, like I'm just flitting around and that I'll never amount to anything, at least not the anything that the world wants/expects/respects. And all my life I've convinced myself that I didn't care about that, that I didn't care what other people think (at least not much), and for a long time I've even felt the need to distance myself from a lot of the "norms."

But guess what? I'm going to be really honest here.

I DO care what people think.

I am very self-conscious and 90% of the time I think I'm ugly. I worry I'm going bald because my hair is falling out at an alarming rate, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, I'm about to graduate from college and I'm still dealing with acne. I think there was a point that I was happy in my own skin, but now it's so different. Sometimes I think about eating very little for a week to lose some weight. Sometimes I want to work out too much to get all that fat off. Good thing that a) I love food too much to do that (also a problem because I run to food when I'm upset/stressed/bored/lonely), and b) I don't have enough time in my schedule to over-exercise. I have body image issues and I'm finally saying it.

I care what people think of my intelligence level. People wonder why I dropped the nursing program? I have to assure them that I excelled, but decided that I really did want to be a doctor- a surgeon- instead. People ask why I'm no longer on the pre-med track. I have to assure them that I could do it, but I just can't be in school that much longer, that I would go crazy. And now, when all my friends in professional schools are studying their butts off and I'm just reading for some GECs, I feel like I'm failing, like I'm failing at using my brain or at being a studious student or that I'm not worth as much now. I'm proud that I want to work with Habitat for Humanity/Americorps for a year because I know that I will love love love it. And I'm excited about seminary in a couple years. But until then, I feel so in-between and not useful. I'm terrified to be graduated (yet excited for the mental break- somewhat) because what if I lose all that I've learned…I regret the years of cramming. I regret not taking my classes more seriously. I've done well, to be sure…but I don't know. There's just a strange feeling about it. So, in review, I put much of my identity in my grades, my intelligence, and what people think of my plans for the future. Way too much of my identity rests on my transcript and on other people's opinions of me.

I feel like if I'm not in a leadership role in some capacity, that I'm doing something wrong. It's a pride thing. But it's also exhausting. And I get tired. And when I get this way, I have to cover with forged excitement (and to be fair, it's definitely not all forged. I am excited about team and Bama. It's some other stuff I guess). I think I forgot what it means to be a servant leader. Servant implies a lack of that selfish pride. Leader means not that you have it together, but that you're actively seeking to continue on the right track. I've been selfish. And inactive with seeking. But that is going to change.

Not only this stuff, but there's been a lot of insecurities that have come up in another area. I've realized in the last couple weeks that God is calling me out of relationships for about the next year- i.e. as long as I'm still under this apartment lease. And that is hard. Because right when I realize this, and I come to terms with this (grieve it), I realize that right now in my life that is one of the things I most desire. And to have that paired with the knowledge that right now is just not right, is killing me. I think about it every day. I think I'm at a point where I'm not mad at God about it and I'm not questioning as much anymore, but it's still hard to know that it's all a no-go. Especially because I am- and I hate admitting this- a romantic, and think that my "knight in shining armor"is just going to fly out of the blue someday and that will be it, that everything will be alright and that everything will make sense. So with this realization, that means no "sweeping off the feet" for a year. It's going to be hard to kill all those thoughts that have been there for years. But God has changed my thought life before, so I reckon He can change it again. To add to it, everybody and their mother is getting engaged and it's just digging it in more and more. (Not y'all's fault. I love that you're getting hitched! This is my personal problem.)

INTERRUPTING THOUGHT:  I'm going to take this week to think before I speak, and make sure that I'm not about to talk myself up/show off with my words. I'm going to try to listen better and learn more about other people- take the focus off me, and put it on them. I am going to remember and try to believe every day that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and that God really made me just the way I'm supposed to be. I'm going to stop obsessing over my appearance and just take care of myself. I'm going to start realizing when I run to food to comfort me and pray/read/do something constructive instead. I'm going to focus more on school and learning from it rather than just doing an assignment just to get it done. I'm going to think about God pursuing my heart instead of a man doing the same. Which means finding my worth in Him, not in guys' approval. I'm going to take more time to be with my loving Savior. I am going to let it sink in that God is the one that can use me, can mold me, and can redeem all the mess I've made. I am going to meditate on the fact that he reached down and pulled me out of the mire- and continues to do so every time I fall again. I am going to be vulnerable about the hard stuff, the stuff that I'm not numbed to- the fresh stuff. I am going to take off my mask and stop trying to impress people every single second of my life.
And how am I going to do all this? Well to be honest, I cannot do it. Not alone. But through God…I can. WE can. HE can.

It's a daily thing. Really, it's all going to be stuff I'll need to be reminded of every minute, every waking second of my day.

It's time for me to change, too. Because change comes with action, not just sitting around waiting for something to happen.

A side-note:  I just read a friend/pastor in the area's blog and one post really hit me- about the paralyzed man on the mat that was dropped through the ceiling so that Jesus could heal him. Basically, we have things that try to define us, that we are wrapped up in, things we feel like we can't escape because we've been with them so long…just like that man's mat. But Jesus doesn't want to just rid us of our mat. He wants to redeem it. He tells the man to "take up your mat and walk." The mat is no longer defining him, but it's also still with him. Not just rid, redeem. It just hit me again how much God loves us and wants to be with us and save us from what we are wrestling with- even though we are broken, awful people. He loves us unconditionally, passionately, unfailingly, jealously, just because we are His creation…and wow, isn't that beautiful. He is in the mess with us, working in our hearts to redeem all the bad stuff. Because after all our brokenness…and IN our brokenness…He still wants to USE us. I'm in awe. (You should read the actual blog post, much better worded than my paraphrasing).

Peace & Blessings

Post-Honduras Reflections

My first thought is that I've forgotten how to type on a normal keyboard. All summer I was typing on a tiny one that is for my tablet. (Comic relief before the deeper stuff?)

Honestly, I don't know where to start, exactly. So much happened, I learned so much that I will never forget. I made so many friends there, and fell in love with so many kids (I wanted to take all of them home with me, or just not leave so that I could stay with them forever).

First, I'll talk about what I learned/what God was teaching me throughout the summer. There was so much, but I'll try not to make it 2000 pages…

1) I need to ask for help and I simply cannot do it all on my own. If we open up to God, He really is faithful to answer. There was one night (like I believe I've talked about before) where I knew I needed to get it all out, I needed to talk to God about all that I'd been feeling and experiencing, all that I'd been struggling with, all that I was realizing…and as I laid there by the pool, I asked for help with pretty much everything. The biggest things were a) pride and a whirlwind of prideful thoughts that I could not rid my brain of, b) not being excited about sharing the gospel and wanting to change that, c) wanting to fall in love with God again, but feeling that my heart was hard and heck, I just didn't know how to make that happen, and d) feeling fully fulfilled in Him.

And WOW did God answer! The prideful thoughts I'd been absolutely fed up with subsided, nearly completely. There was finally somewhat of a peace in my brain…now, I do still struggle with pride and the awful thought life that comes with it. But, I know that God can change that!

I sure wasn't excited about sharing the gospel when we first arrived, and for the first couple weeks…I think it's because I'd forgotten the power of the gospel, and the work that God can do in and on people's hearts and minds. But God started answering that prayer before I even asked for help that one night. In the first week, I had a conversation with a friend that went something like me saying, wow, I really can't believe how many kids here grow up without a father figure because of all the bad stuff going on/how men are viewed/how women are viewed. It's incredibly sad, and I think the worst part is that it's such a big problem and there is literally NOTHING we can do to solve it or remedy it. Then, sitting in the car, it started to hit me. In hopelessness came a flicker of understanding. There IS something we can do. We can share the gospel and the love of Christ has the power to turn peoples' thoughts around. This reminds me of something I read in a book my friend's small group is reading:  "A sense of powerlessness accompanies every serious experience in our lives. This sense of powerlessness generates solitude. True solitude does not come from being physically alone but from the discovery that a fundamental problem of ours cannot find its solution in us or in others."* I felt like there was nothing I could do, yes. Which led me to realize that I didn't think anyone could do anything to fix it. Led to hopelessness…led to God. Because He is the answer to all our problems. And this whole summer, I kept seeing that more and more. Second week I was feeling kind of hopeless about fixing up the playground, because apparently men from other neighborhoods would come mess it up and play on it and that's part of why it got so destroyed. I asked one of the guys we worked with, Oscar, how we could stop that. He answered with conviction:  "The Gospel." Boom. 

I had listened to quite a few worship songs about being so deeply in love with God, and just wasn't feeling that way at all. Hearing about his love and majesty and other wonderful qualities weren't affecting me, it seemed, at all. But I longed for it, yearned to be in love with the Creator of the universe. So, I asked for help. He answered with thankfulness. I think he opened up my eyes to all the little (and big) things that he does in, around, and for us every single day. I cried a few times this summer, and I think at least half of those instances were happy tears, tears of thankfulness towards God and the way he loves us and cares for us. The day before we left, I sat out on the porch with Randi and tears streamed down my face as we prayed together and I thanked God for all of it, for the experience, for what he's taught me, for the people's hearts that we met, for the way the kids loved us, for providing the funds to get me there in the first place…I'm tearing up right now thinking about it. The two weeks right after we got back were filled with me pouring over scripture, praying, and talking about how great God is and was this summer. He gave me a new love for him, a beautiful love that I could not conjure up on my own. And he did it through showing me the blessings all around me. Wow.

 For a long time, I've had a sense of loneliness, of not feeling whole, of wanting someone to be there for me, to be completely known. Knowledge reminded me that all these things could be found in God, but my heart and feelings told me that, hey, that's just not the way I felt. God really changed that around. He answered prayers when I didn't ask or even know what to ask. He spoke to me when I was at my most needy points. He opened my eyes to blessings. He changed my heart to be more full of love, and He challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be. For the first time, I felt completely known and it's such a wonderful feeling! He showed me that He is faithful and is true in His words.

2) He taught me the value of community and relationships, and how much I desire them as well. I believe I've mentioned this before as well, but I'll say it again because it has really changed me! I've been on mission trips for single weeks, and many of these. In these, my mind is always focused on the physical task at hand and rarely on anything else, other than getting to know the other people that came with me on the trip. I always assumed that house repair/etc was what the people we were serving really needed…and never thought about building a relationship with them. I never stopped to consider that maybe the people needed that more than a new roof/etc. But wow, people crave relationships. And as time went on this summer, I saw that I craved relationships with these people too! In these relationships there are chances, on both ends, to learn and grow, to be challenged with hard questions or to find answers, and the opportunity to hear someone's story or to share the gospel. Because when you're only fixing houses/doing other physical labor, there's something missing. And I came into the summer hoping to do some sort of construction project and be working with my hands the whole time (maybe because I, a lot of the time, am terrified of relationships- silly, I know)…but was not provided with that opportunity, and I could not be more thankful. Being put out of my comfort zone was necessary and God taught me so much through it!

3) God showed me a community at Iglesia Gran Comisión like none other. A love of God and people brought these people together, and they really love God in such a radical way. So many of them were so excited and so convicted that God really is the only thing their lives are centered around. And man, do they have a heart for their city and for spreading the gospel! I have never seen a group of people so passionate about the gospel in my life. I was amazed the whole time I was there, and it was the most beautiful community I've ever seen and experienced. I hope that our church here (h2o) can look like that. Spreading the passion!

4) KIDS. I love those kids. I have never wanted to have kids nor liked them really in my entire life. I now think they are GREAT, crazy but great. God so did this in me, because like I said, I've never been a kid person before this summer. And those kids taught me about love to, in the pure and genuine way that they loved us gringos. I sure do miss them hanging onto me every day, their wonderful smiles and laughs. It nearly killed me to cry right alongside them the last day…I found the most joy this summer, I think, in times with those kids when I was basically a playground, or I was exhausting myself in some way by running after them/carrying them around. Gosh dang, I miss them.

And I'm figuring you'd all like to hear about the projects we did there too! So here's some of the things we did (with help especially from one guy in the community, the guy that can literally make or fix anything, Jesús Lorenzo):
- built a bench/table combo around 2 trees, one in the neighborhood next to the playground (idea:  to make a comfortable space for the moms while they're watching their kids play, and to have a place where people from the community can get together for bible studies, worship, meals, or prayer), and one in the orphanage (idea:  the boys and girls could eat together and do homework outside). People really loved them!
- built a new outdoor stove area for the tías in the orphanage (idea:  when the power goes out- which happens way too frequently- they can't cook indoors so this would really help them)
- made safety and other improvements on the playground (idea:  so that the kids wouldn't get hurt on the broken slide or the holes in the wood or the rusty nails sticking out everywhere…and so that it would last longer!)
- had a "Growth in Community" day/"Día de Crecimiento en Comunidad" where we planted shade trees all around the park and green area and also collected trash from the houses (idea:  it's incredibly hot there, and there's nearly no trees- so, give people some shade eventually; and the dump is a bit away so it's nice to help people get stuff over there and have a clean house)
- built a table for a woman (Alma) in the community (idea:  Alma- who is absolutely wonderful- is right now financially supported by the church, but wants to be able to support herself, or at least supplement, so she wants to make tortillas but didn't have a flat area to do that on…so we built her a table that she can work at!)
- built a bed for one of the families in the community- Eugenio & Francisca and their five kids, Eugenio is one of the security/maintenance men in the community (idea:  there were five kids and two adults sleeping on two twin beds…so we built them a bigger one to add to their space, and got them a cochoneta= little mattress)
- repaired the clotheslines in the orphanage (idea:  there's twelve kids, plus the tías and their kids, so they go through a lot of laundry and need lots of line- one of the poles was about to fall, so the guys wanted to make it sturdy)
- helped fix up the roads- working with the men of the community (idea:  remind the men that it is their responsibility to keep the roads in good shape, and help improve driving there, so some of the guys rounded up men in the community and worked together!)
- did some painting (idea:  give the boys and the boys' tía a little splash of color in their grayscale rooms; we helped out with a short term mission team)
- improved drainage around the outdoor sink/washing facility (idea:  there was a lot of trash buried around the sink, and sewage- when it got backed up- would sit there, so we dug out all the nasty dirt and replaced it with rocks and gravel that would improve the drainage of the water)
- helped repair a sewage system for one of the houses (idea:  it was backing up and leaving some of the area that the kids played in filled up with sewage water…found out it was a drain block from a FORK and a TOOTHBRUSH…what…
- had guitar lessons for the ladies! Which ended up being just one woman (Aleyda, she is absolutely fantastic and the best ever) and a couple of the boys in the community (David, 11, and Ian, 6). We had so much fun, and Aleyda was really dedicated to practice and LOVED it (and was really quite good by the end!) (idea:  Aledya wanted to be able to worship at the women's bible study, but none of them knew instruments…and learning guitar had always been a dream of hers; and we wanted to interact with women of the community)
- attempted to do work out classes for the women, but it ended up that no one was coming; so, a couple times we did it with some of the kids and I tell you, those little exercise classes brought me so much joy!!! (idea:  provide some structure for exercise for the women because they had asked for it)
- did a bible study of some sort nearly every day for the kids in the orphanage (idea:  really instill in them who God is and the good news of His son Jesus's life, death, and resurrection; and worship with them!)

…and I'm sure there's more, but right now I'm exhausted from all this typing and all the FEELS from memories!!!

Overall thoughts from summer:  I have been so blessed to be in Choluteca, Honduras this summer with a wonderful team of 18 others (love you guys and miss you!!!), and to be able to become a part of Iglesia Gran Comisión in Cholu and their fantastic community. I was blessed by all the love the kids showed me and the other people in the community. I was blessed by coming back with friendships from Cholu, friendships that I will continue through Facebook and through returning *hopefully* next year! I feel like I learned so much more from the people of Cholu, and received more from them, than I could have ever given. It was easily the most amazing experience of my life and God has changed my heart through it. Vilma, Sindy, Heidi, Enma, Nayelis, Gabriela, Emelin, Dariela, George, Brian, Jonathon, Eli, Elias, Cristofer, Alan…I miss you guys so much that it hurts. I miss everything about being around you all every day. Nena and Karen, I miss you ladies and your wonderful hearts. Jesús Lorenzo, Erica, Alma, Candida, Isis, Nissi, Luz, David, Ian, Oscar, Mano, Aleyda, Florencio, all the ladies that worked at the Casa Misionera, I love you all and miss you all, and am so thankful for every single one of you. Pastor Geovany and your family, much love.

One thing…I'm excited to live out my life for Christ here, but oh man I cannot wait to get back to Cholu. Cannot wait.

Thank you again to all my family, friends, and supporters for making this experience possible. God has used you in big ways!

Sorry this was so long…more pictures to follow at some point!

Peace & Blessings

Check out some pics!

The 2 five year old twin boys at the orphanage, Elias and Eli. They have so much energy that it's incredible! So cute that I can barely handle it. But really. It's also been funny to see how different they are!

A few of the girls and a couple of the boys at the orphanage:  (from left) Jonathan, Heidi, Enma, Nayelis, Emeli (daughter of the girls' tía), and Bryan. 

Guitar lessons we do with the women of the Casa Hogar Vida community. Maria is on the left, we just celebrated her 15th birthday with her. Aleyda is on the right, she was really excited about learning guitar so that the women can worship at their Sunday small group. She's learned so much! Melissa is in the middle teaching, her and I have been working together and it's been so fun!

This little guy...Christopher. He is the freaking cutest. He's three and loves to talk constantly. He's got such a sad story (all the kids at the orphanage do) but is a good kid. He's got the most expression filled eyes and Kayli (on the left) loves his post-nap face. So much fun to work with Kayli too, she cracks me up and is so full of love for the kids!

More to come later!

Peace & Blessings

Moving Ahead

Some really super stuff has been happening with me in regards to my relationship with God, and I'm psyched about it- so I needed to tell you all!

About midway through last week, my heart was feeling heavy with all the things I hadn't taken to God in so long. See, I have this problem with asking for help- I suppose not too much in general, like with people (okay, you got me, sometimes...), but definitely from God. For so long I've thought that I have to do so much myself, get myself so far, bring myself close enough to God that he will help me do the rest. But that's just not the way it works. We need God to help us get to Him. Which seems a litle strange but hey, we're just humans. So anyways, this other night I felt like I needed to present all of this to Him and just let go of it all...so I did. There were tears but it was good and I finally started feeling this peace He gives and the freedom that comes along with living with Him.

Now I've been craving time with Him, been excited about being in the Word and praying and learning more about Him. It's so cool, guys!

The biggest thing I asked help with, that I'm going to ask you guys to pray for me for as well, is pride. I struggle so much with it...and personally, I think it's at the heart of all sin. I was talking to another person here about it, specifically about how we hate that prideful thoughts clog our minds. It's just so awful to experience them when we know that they are false thoughts. So I asked God to help take those thoughts away and change me for the better. Prayers for that please?

Another thing. This thought came to me in the shower last night (apparently the best place to think, haha). For so many years now, I've been all about (at least on missions trips) getting things done, getting to the endpoint, finishing projects, physical projects for people, but I've never focused much on the relational aspect of it all. I guess I've always thought that we were there to help people by building this, or cleaning out that, or being extra hands for this other thing...but I never focused on getting to know the people around me in any sense more than their name or maybe praying for them once. To me, that has always been the less important, more trivial part of a missions trip. But God is changing that in me...this whole trip, when I thought for me personally would look like a bunch of construction projects, has looked a lot more like building relationships with the kids of an orphanage, the community around it, and people in the church. Wow. And God has shown me how crucial that is, and also how much I've enjoyed it. Yeah, it's a bit harder to build deep relationships when there's some language barrier, or when the people are in such a different culture than you're used to, but maybe that makes it even cooler that we're still able to. I've learned so much...what a church community is supposed to look like. What reaching out to a city is supposed to look like. What living your life for Christ and for the advancement of the Kingdom is supposed to look like...they really do that here. I have rarely seen such faith and such love for our fellow men. It's beautiful.

Not only that, but the 19 LTers here have the chance to bring that back home with us. No, friends, the learning and the mission doesn't stop here, in two weeks when we leave. We have the chance to make this happen wherever we go...because God is with us. My church back in my hometown says it best, in a sign over the door as you walk out:  "You are now entering your mission field." It isn't limited to Choluteca, Honduras, or Altamont, Tennessee, or Coney Island, New York...and even in this case, it's not even limited to just outside the church. It's anywhere a Christian is, because that is where the power of God is in the Holy Spirit. Boom. Awesome.

Anyways, I'm trying to ignore that there are only two weeks left here...And the fact that I don't want to leave. It's going to rip my heart into pieces...I think a part of me will always be here, and I know that someday I will come back to find it. That, my friends, is a promise. Hold me to it. :)

Peace & Blessings

Only three weeks left...

And I wish that there were so many more...

Gosh dang, I love these kids so much. And if I'm being honest, I've never felt more loved while sitting in church when one of the girls is leaning on me while we sing a worship song in Spanish. Even if it's so hot in there that not even the fans are helping. I don't want to leave (everyone back at home called that one, haha), I'd be happy if I could stay here forever and work with the kids and help at the church. I've been thinking about how to become a tia [aunt] to the third orphanage house (currently unoccupied, but they pray every day that we could take in more kids that need it) since the second day of work here.

I mean, back at home I have plans for one semester and then I'm graduated. DONE. With no current plans. Okay, I technically have plans that I've had for a while now but it depends on acceptances and such. It's not in stone. And I've always felt called out of the country- and for longer term...

I want these kids to know that they are loved and that they have a Heavenly Father up above that cares for them and cries to see them in pain. I want the community members to know that there is a power out there that gives them an unbreakable hope, no matter their situation.

This song by Jenny & Tyler just came on while I was typing and it's so true sometimes...(called "Dreaming Of Peace")

it's hard to face reality, so I'll just keep on dreaming
It's plain to see that we don't have the answers
But we think we know and so it goes,
And it's plain to see that we don't have it together
We think we know and so it goes on
While we're standing in the streets
they're fighting off disease
I'm in the comfort of my bed
not dealing with a shred of
this war between nations
and this war against nature
it's a battlefield that I've never seen...

But now I've seen some of it, even if it's just the surface of it all. And I still can't say that I understand it, or have the answers to fix it. But I cannot deny that it is there, it is bad, and it is not right to not do anything about it. We cannot stand by and let our fellow man suffer. This is my proof:  my time here. I hope that it is some proof for you too. There are so many different ways to help, but the biggest is love and prayer. And if you are able to go, GO. Something I've been reminded of so strongly here is how much our stuff, our things, material things, that we cling to are NOT ours.

Biggest news is that the orphanage received a new girl this week!!! Her name is Maybis Gabriela, we call her Gaby. She is nearly 10 years old and she is the most precious. The other kids have been pretty good to her, which is so good to see. Almost makes you forget about her situation when you see her smile...but then there are moments like this. I was sitting with her in her (and other girls') room when we were having a birthday party for one of the other girls. I asked her why she didn't want to join the party and she didn't answer me at first, but looked really sad so I just sat there and held her close. Eventually I asked if she wanted to talk about it, she nodded, so I asked what was going on. And right before she burst into tears, she said that she missed her brothers and sisters...all I could do was shed some tears with her and tell her how much I wished that things were different for her. But that she was safe here and loved. And that I was so sorry...

These little kids have been through so much more than we could imagine in their short time here. It's heartbreaking to hear their stories. Almost all of them are really behind in school because their guardians just didn't care enough to get them there. A lot of them are underdeveloped emotionally, and nearly all are way smaller than they should be due to bad nutrition in the years in which it is most crucial. But their smiles every day are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. And when they care for each other it's hard to believe all they've been through.

Please pray for these kids. Pray for all the LTers here because none of us want to leave these children. Pray for all the soon-to-be parents and that they would take care of the kids. For the mothers who get left, pregnant and alone, because in this culture it can be a sign of "manliness" to get a woman pregnant and then leave. For the fathers, who have left...for their souls. That they would find Jesus...

And pray for my friend Paola here- I can't even begin to talk about her past. She's 22 and has lost her parents and hasn't seen her three younger siblings in 5 years. She's going to see her 10 year old brother today in the hospital to give him blood because he lost a lot in an accident of sorts...she has such a beautiful heart.

Peace & Blessings

First Thoughts on Honduras

It sure has been a crazy, awesome, exhausting first couple of weeks here in Choluteca, Honduras.

I'll give you all a little overview of what's been going on here, starting with where we're staying. I didn't expect to have as much as we do. We are staying in a little apartment complex just out of the downtown area of Choluteca, 3 or 4 people to an apartment. They have a little kitchenette, living room, bathroom and two bedrooms. Air conditioning, which we are so blessed to have (I recently nicknamed Honduras "Hot-duras" so yeah I think all of us northerners would not do so well without it), a "clean" pool (debatable, smells like sweat but still super awesome to cool off in), and wifi (spotty at best, but somewhat available). Really I shouldn't have any complaints. We are living so much better than most of the people in this town...it's still hard to believe a lot of their living conditions.

Now about where we've been working! So there were two main locations we could be at, and toured both the first full day we were here (Tuesday, June 3rd). The first is a place called Limón that houses a malnutrition clinic, classrooms for teaching English and computer classes, a tortilla factory, and they are also renting out 3 rooms to another organization that works with special needs kids in the community. The malnutrition clinic serves, I believe, over 50 kids. The process of getting kids rejuvinated and back to a healthy weight is a lengthy one and one that requires them to come to the clinic very often. It's difficult, because often times the parents don't understand the importance of this. Also, these kids probably don't get much if any food outside what they are fed at the clinic- or get much clean water. The work at the tortilla factory is shared among different mothers and women in the community, to give them more of an income. A couple people in our team are working with the classes, which they said can get pretty crazy, but overall are really good for the students. I just want to share one story from one of the guys that helps with the computer classes. A couple days ago he asked the kids to type a letter to their moms, just with something they'd want to tell her. We wouldn't think much of this normally, but the responses were heartbreaking. Things like "I wish you didn't cry so much" or "I wish you and dad didn't fight so much" or "I wish I could see you more." It's such a different world down here...a lot of us get frustrated with the kids for acting out or badly but then you realize the home life they are coming from and how much they have to handle every day...it's incredibly heartbreaking. Okay- the special needs program. A couple of the girls are helping with this one and they've had a lot of interesting things to say. First of all, kids down here with special needs don't get to go to school at all. There just isn't a program for them, so they never get to learn or be socialized like the rest of the kids, and having them at home all day can be really strenuous for the parents, not really allowing at least one of them to work- and pretty much everyone needs to work here to support themselves. So this program was started by some of their moms, and they've also been educated as special education teachers and it's nice that Iglesia Gran Comisión is allowing them to use some of the rooms at Limón. However, the free bus that was bringing them to the school isn't going to be able to do it anymore- apparently the city needs it for something else. And, to get another bus it would cost the families $600 a month- something they could never afford. So for now, the school has been canceled...I'm asking prayers for this! These kids and their families really need the school to keep going, so we've been praying for God to make a way for the bus situation to work out. Thanks guys!

The other place, the one I'm actually working at, is a neighborhood and orphanage together called Casa Hogar. The church started the orphanage in 2008 (I believe) and now houses 11 kids. The neighborhood was also started around then on the land around the orphanage and now houses over 40 houses and 150 people. They're always looking to expand, hoping to give people the dignity of a nicer place to live and put them in a community that loves Jesus and can reach out to them. The land also houses a coffee roasting and grinding facility as well as a place for short term mission teams when they come, called Casa Misionera.

I'm going to take an aside here to talk about how God prepared me for working here and how he is continually changing my heart. So for a long time (since elementary school), I have not wanted to have kids, or have anything to do with them, well, for a lot of reasons. 1) I'm always scared that kids won't like me and that they'll judge me (what? kids pretty much like everyone that makes an effort to play with them). 2) Kids don't reason through things super well, so you can't just expect them to know why something is the way it is. You can't reason with them! 3) I didn't want to bring kids into this crazy, messed up world. 4) They will drive you crazy. However, in the last few weeks before we got here, I felt God putting in me a love for kids and a desire to have them sometime in the future. Guys, this was really weird for me! But I went with it (figured this would happen eventually anyways). Then when we got here, pretty much the only option was working with kids. I thought in coming here that there would be a lot of construction work and that would be my job, because I love building things and physical labor like that. So at first, I was freaking out like, oh my goodness, I don't want to work with kids!! I don't know what to do with my whole summer now; what am I even doing here?? But something in me was calling me to the orphanage and community at Casa Hogar...so I went with it on a very slight feeling. God has been changing my heart so much since being there. I love those kids so inexpressably much. Yes, they are crazy, and yes, they treat me like a playground (they apparently like to climb, sit, and ride on people's backs more than I realized), and yes, they are sweaty and dirty half the time, but oh my gosh I love them. I already can't imagine leaving them, and even after the first couple days I was working out in my mind before I fell asleep how I could adopt all of them and bring them back with me, or move down here after graduating and work/live there. Those kids and God have been changing me...

Also, we've been working with the community, especially the women. A couple of us and I have and will continue going to the women's bible study they have on Sunday afternoons, and are also holding exercise, guitar, and English classes for the women during the week. It has been so cool getting to know these women! A lot of them love Jesus and find so much joy in Him...it is so encouraging to see. They've all led such challenging lives and continue to not have enough money or food to care for their kids...which brings up another point. There are so many single mothers here because the men don't stick around. It is expected for men here to have more than one girlfriend at a time. It makes me so sad and gives me such a hopeless feeling to see this...

And out of this, and due to a lot of other doubts and struggles of mine, I realized something last weekend. I realized that my love for people and wanting to make sure they know they are valuable and providing for their basic needs past that had somehow become disconnected from my desire to share the gospel. I realized that I didn't think people really needed the gospel- I had forgotten the power of it, the immense change it can bring to a person's life. I didn't want to share it at all, in fact it made me kind of mad that we were expected to this summer. But a lot of change was about to come to that, thanks to God working in my heart. The next day I had a conversation with one of the guys on the trip about the father situation, and I told him that I felt hopeless- because nothing we could do could change it. It was then that it started to hit me- that there was something we could do. That Jesus, the gospel, has the power to change people's hearts and bring them to a better life. A better life where men are faithful to one woman and stick around, where prostitution isn't common, where people are exploited...

And then this past Thursday at our first official program (LT, Leadership Training) meeting, the pastor of Iglesia Gran Comisión, Geovany, talked about why the church is there and why they do what they do- and it hit me even harder that the gospel not only has the power to improve this single mother situation here, it has the power to change anything in this world. And, it's the ONLY thing that can truly change this world, because it changes the heart, leading to a change in actions. I don't know where I got lost, but I'm glad He's bringing me back to the truth.

I know this was an extremely long post, but I wanted to update everyone on everything that's been going on! I could probably talk for hours about it all past what I've already written here. If you guys have any questions, feel free to comment on here (or for my supporters, you can email me back).

Prayer requests:  the bus for the special needs program; that God would use us to really love on and help the women, the orphans, and the malnourished kids; that God would continue to fill us with His love so that we can pour it out; and for the 33% of Hondurans that are underemployed (these people just do not have enough to live on).

A strange thing about Honduras:  you don't flush your toilet paper, you throw it away. I think other countries do this too, but it was just so weird to me!
Weirdest thing I've eaten since being here:  fried garobo (it's like an iguana). We saw them caught (some of the guys participated in this) and killed, then skinned. It was intense to say the least. The next day one of the tías cooked it up for us in some spices and butter; I was excited to try it, but thought it probably wouldn't be very good. I ended up LOVING it and picked every little piece of meat off the bones. Mmmmm :)
Things I'm learning to live with/ignore:  bug bites (including fire ants) and sweating constantly. There's just no way to avoid either.

Peace & Blessings

SOON.

Honduras is right around the corner now…in just over a week, I'll be there.

It's hitting me more and more every day.

And my excitement is increasing as well! I mean, here's what I'm thinking now:  Why be nervous? It's happening in one week whether I'm ready for it or not. Might as well embrace it!

In related news, I pretty much packed my bags today. If GCM called me up and said oops, your plane ticket is actually for tomorrow! I'd tell them, fantastic! Let's go. I'M READY, PEOPLE!

In the back of my mind rings a tune that Christ UMC sent me off with, the hymn "Here I Am, Lord." I feel it now. Here I am, God, use me for whatever is best! I'm all Yours.

Let's DO THIS THING!

Peace & Blessings

I've been so wrong

...guys.

I've been fooling myself for years, and I'm just now realizing it.

So here's what my thought process has been this whole time:

Okay. So if I were not in Christ, there would be a lot of things that maybe the world is okay with, that I wouldn't be ashamed of. It's just...different standards, I guess. So that would mean that there would be less guilt, shame, perhaps feelings of iniquity too. But when I came to Christ, or when any person does, they are faced with their past, their baggage of mistakes and sins before (and always after too) following Christ- because now, we are a part of a new "standard." And when we're faced with that...it looks ugly. It looks bad and we don't want to think that we made all those mistakes. So, when we are in Christ, we do experience these feelings of shame, guilt, and iniquity more than before. Of course, we're forgiven of it though...

FALSE. (Except for the forgiven part.) Why in the world have I been stuck on the past like this- the feelings of guilt? I've been wrestling with this recently. A lot of guilt, and I feel like it's holding me back from God (on my end, I'm sure not His). And I was thinking, man, why am I stuck here? Why can't I stop feeling guilty? I mean, I'm forgiven, right? But why is it still haunting me...?

Here's what I've been told a million times that I am now realizing never sank in.

1.  Guilt doesn't come from God. Maybe a feeling of, whoa, what I've been doing is wrong, I should change this, AKA repentance, is from Him. But not just guilt that gets us down and out. Not to mention makes us feel super unworthy and what do we do when we feel unworthy? We run away from whomever might have power over us; a lot of times with guilt, it is God we run from. And man is that what the devil wants!

2. When we come to Christ, our thoughts don't just stop at, wow look at all the awful things I've done, this is, no I am, terrible! It is followed by, but look, Jesus died on the cross to wash all these sins away, to give me a clean and pure slate. I'm FREE!

Free. Free.

I've been stuck in this prison of guilt and shame when I have been given FREEDOM. What am I still doing behind bars when the doors have been opened wide??

Answer:  I'm keeping myself there. I think I feel maybe like I need to be punished...like justice still needs served. How do I forget that it was served, served on the cross?

"It is finished." How could I forget what that meant?

Now what brought all of this to mind? You guessed it, a song. Josh Garrel's "Freedom." (So good, the lyrics are amazing, check the song here.) Here's what got me:

For 19 years I was trapped in a prison, feeding my escape by derision; but every man-made attempt just failed when trapped in a jail of my own guilt, shame, and iniquity; I was looking for freedom; how'd I find freedom? Oh freedom, freedom from all this...He said I'm the Christ- so I believed.

 I'm free.

He can free you, too.

Peace & Blessings

Never Stop Learning

I want to share with you all what I've been learning/discovering/being reminded of over the last few days! Astounding. I've been blown away.

First, a few verses/passages that have hit me and encouraged me:

The LORD replied, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14

I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave;
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in our presence with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  Psalm 16:8-11

"Be strong and courageous...the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deuteronomy 31:7-8

And as a good friend reminded me:  "You're going to do great. God knows what you need and what you are ready for. He will be faithful." [What a fantastic truth! I needed that first part too- a little positivity can really change one's perspective.]

Alright! Let's start at the beginning of this burst of learning I've been experiencing.

Friday night. Couldn't sleep, was talking to a good friend (two, actually) about the future and trusting God. I'll preface the rest with this:  pretty much all my spiritual issues and doubts come back down to not fully trusting God. Mostly this comes up when I think about my future (I've spoken to this in previous posts). What is my solution? If I'm honest...it's to completely ignore the future and focus on the here and now. I guess my subconscious thought was, well, if I don't think about the future, then I don't have to worry about trusting God with it, or my lack of trust, do I? Heh, perfect, that's what I'll do! Problem solved. EEHHHH. Problem not solved, actually. Problem just ignored. But had I realized this before? Nope. Not until my friend said on Friday night that he also has a hard time with trusting God, but he looks to the future and that helps him turn to God for support and trust. I was struck by that. WOW! I mean, I knew I had a weak point in the trust sector, but I guess ignoring the future made me think that working on developing that trust wasn't important at the moment. So...maybe I do need to be praying for increased trust in Him. It's a step in the right direction!

Saturday. Impromptu extended quiet time with God (ended up being 3 hours) with another good friend at a coffee shop. Brought my bible, journal, and a different book, thinking that I'd have some time with God and then when I ran out of stuff I wanted to write/pray/read in the bible, I'd move on to the book. Friends, I did not make it to the book!
It actually started off rough. I felt disconnected, like I was beating down on myself with my words, almost as though I was trying to make myself sound crazier/worse off than I actually am. I got frustrated and crossed it all out, my friend giving me a weird look for that one, ha.
Then I finally thought to myself, what are you doing? This isn't you...just talk to God, be honest, and actually give it a try. I don't care if you're not sure what to say. Just do it! So, I did.
First thing that came up was about my self-image, mentally/emotionally at least. I'm really hard on myself, and frankly, in the last year I've really hated parts of my personality, or just little parts of who I am. I get frustrated with things, like my "all or nothing" mentality, or my confusion on emotions, or the fact that I have a hard time keeping up with people (part of which allows me to adjust to new places easily- maybe too easily). Well, I've asked God to "fix" me- which means, take away these things that are so normal to me. Make me more like the average person. I can't tell you all how many times I've begged God to "let me be normal." But what I started realizing on Saturday:  God made me the way I am. And every time I question that (other than the parts of me that really have been broken down by the sinful flesh), I am questioning if God really knew what He was doing when He made me this way. Ahem, excuuuuse me, who am I to ask God that? Not only this, but this theme kept popping up too (second thing):

** Our expectations, or what we think we need, are hardly ever what God knows we actually need. **

God must be using these things in my life for a reason; maybe these "frustrating" parts of my personality are actually here to teach me something, or to have me grow in some way. Who [but God] knows. So, I asked for God to heal me, in whatever way He sees fit. Perhaps that is just giving me peace about these things, perhaps it's something radically different. But I know I want to trust that He will do (and is doing) what is best for me! I do long to trust Him.

Now, God was making this "shattered expectations" thing abundantly clear. For some reason, I decided I should start in on the book of Acts. And wow, have I already learned SO MUCH from the first 5 chapters!

I'll just talk through a couple things that showed me how God  >  our expectations:

First off, when Jesus is back speaking with the disciples before he ascends, they ask him a question:  is this when you're going to restore the kingdom of israel? AKA are we finally going to go to war, win, and get rid of all those Romans?
They had been told their whole lives that this is what the Messiah would do- restore Israel. But God had in mind a bigger restoration than did the near-sighted disciples. God was talking about a Heaven on earth, while they just wanted the Romans gone. I think God's plan sounds much better, don't you? It's a lot about perspective.

Second, and this is what I've been musing over a lot the past couple days. I'm actually just going to type out the passage below so y'all can read it too:

Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" So the man gave them his attention. Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. Acts 3:2-7 (NIV)

That day, I'm sure the crippled man's spirits were not higher than any other day; he was probably just hoping for enough money to make it by, like he always did. And from the passage, it didn't even seem he was very connected with his surroundings, as seen by him not even looking at Peter and John as he asked for change. So, he wasn't expecting much- and wasn't asking much.
But when Peter walks by, he doesn't just toss him a coin and look away. He looks right at him, and asks the man to do the same. Once he has his attention, he makes it clear that he is not going to be giving the man what he asked for- and I'm sure the man's spirits dropped for a second. Then, all the man's expectations are blown out of the water when Peter offers him the gift of healing. Not only does he offer it, but he helps the man realize this healing by helping him to his feet.

OH. MY. GOODNESS. There is so much in this little story. Here's how I see it, in God and I's (or just with God and people in general's) relationship. Most of the time, we are just asking for "little" things. Things that will get us through or the things that we really believe we need, but maybe not the big things. Maybe we even think it's absurd to ask for the big things, like this man was. Then, we're kind of numbed to it all, like the man. All the while, God is there, just asking for us to LOOK at him and actually SEE him for who he is...a God that is so much bigger than the little things we ask for, so much greater than our doubts. He wants to give us what we really need, even the things we thought were impossible- if we would only pay attention! I think that he really does want us to see the bigger picture- see what he has planned on the large scale so we too understand what we truly need. Then, the crazy awesome stuff happens when we look back at him and actually listen. But it doesn't stop then- he still doesn't just leave us alone, he gives us a hand to take hold of the blessing or calling and shows us the way- helping us believe and act.
Can I just take a minute? Mind.....BLOWN.

(I also want to say one thing about my statements above. This by no means is me saying that God only acts when we pay attention- he is always doing crazy awesome stuff! I'm just saying that being a part of it is pretty dang cool. Also- how important taking the time to just focus on him and listen to him, instead of blabbering on like I usually do.)

The third thing I took from Acts relates to something I've posted about before- how I've felt like I am very similar to the apostle Peter. Now in the past, Peter has been quick to act without thinking first (like when Jesus is being arrested in the garden, it is Peter who draws his sword and cuts a soldier's ear off, just to be reprimanded by Jesus), has had a desire to not just hear things, but know for himself (when the women tell the disciples that Jesus's tomb is empty, it is Peter who runs to the tomb to see), and it is even Peter who wants to truly believe and do for himself (he asks to walk to Jesus on the water).

But the Peter in Acts...he seems to be all grown up and matured. He has become a true leader. On a few occasions in the beginning of Acts, he stands up and addresses the Christians and non-Christians, either directing them to the next step, or defending what he believes in. His words are based on The Word, and he constantly points the people around him to the truth in Christ. He even has the faith to heal a crippled man! So what did all this show me?
There is hope for me yet. Peter in the Gospels seemed a bit all over the place- asking questions, wondering if he can do the same things as Christ through God's power and his faith, and acting rashly- even if it's in love and defense. But look at him now- leading men, being bold in his faith, and focusing on scripture. God has transformed him! So, it reminds me that God can do this in me as well. Hope!

What I also learned from his example is that strong leaders depend on scripture. Everything he said was based on The Word and/or what Jesus had said. He was familiar with it and understood it. First off, DUH I should be focusing on the Bible, and second, what a great reminder to study His word!

Okay, here's the last thing I'm going to share. A lot of us (including me, especially recently) believe that we have to be super qualified to share Christ with others:  we should be going to more bible studies, should be reading a whole book of the bible every day, studying Hebrew and Ancient Greek, going on prayer walks every day....you get the point. We think we must be perfect in order to be an effective evangelist. FALSE. Look at Peter and John in Acts 4:1-22 after they healed the crippled beggar!

When [the Sadducees] saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and took note that they had been with Jesus. But since they could see the man who had been healed standing there with them, there was nothing they could say. Acts 4:13-14

First, Peter and John were courageous and stood up for what they had done, and that they had done it in the name of Christ! (You should read what Peter says right before this passage!) Second, they were filled with the Holy Spirit when they were speaking and when they healed the man- this is what allowed these "ordinary men" to do extraordinary things! God can use anyone- He is able! Third, even though it may have just been an association in this case, it was obvious that they knew Jesus- would people around us be able to see that in us?? Last, the teachers of the law that were attacking Peter and John were silenced by the proof standing in front of them. A lot of times I feel like there just isn't any hard proof for God and his character- but then I look back on my life and the Christian's around me's lives, and I see proof everywhere. He is so active, and sometimes I forget this proof!

Okay. This is all I will say for now (though I'm sure there is more that I learned that I haven't even realized yet). Phew! I'm excited to keep reading through the book of Acts.

Have a great Monday, all. (I feel as though I should apologize for the length of this post...)
Peace & Blessings

Expecting Perfection

First off:  this is something one should never* do.

On this earth, it's not even a thing. Don't get me wrong, we can come close on some things- but there's never a full degree of perfection. (I know, I sound like Debbie Downer here, but we have to be honest with ourselves and accept things the way they really are! I have a point, I promise.)

Every time we expect perfection out of a person, a relationship, or even an object, we're holding that thing/person to a standard that is rather inconceivable to uphold. Nearly every time, we will find ourselves let down in one way or another, and the other person might feel as though they truly have let you down, even if it was ridiculous to expect it in the first place.

But the real question is, why do we feel we need to find something or someone that is perfect?

Answer:  DAILY DOUBLE!

1.  We crave a complete and utter feeling of security. We want to feel safe, taken care of, and out of harm's way. There's no surprises in a secure place. We want to believe that someone or something can completely provide us with this secure feeling! So we decide when we find a "significant other," or a new car, a new security system, or a weatherman we finally think we can trust, that we've found it, that we're done searching and now we can just relax because we're going to be safe, be cared for, and never duped again.

But, let's face it friends. Your alleged "soulmate" is going to be late for dinner or hurt your feelings or say the absolute wrong thing at the wrong time. You might still get into an accident in your new car or have something break and have to take it to the shop. You're going to come home late one night, tired, and your security system is going to think you're a burglar. Your beloved weatherman is going to predict sunshine all day and you'll get caught in a downpour unprepared. STUFF HAPPENS, FOLKS. If you're expecting perfection, how are you going to respond? Not well. Angrily. But if your whole idea of security isn't found just in that thing/person (and you realize that, hey, everyone makes mistakes and guess what you do too), you'll be able to smile and move past it. Sure, you might still be hurt. But it won't be the end-all!

2.  We desire total fulfillment. We want to know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, we are whole and we are loved and we have something/someone to live for. And for most of us, it's easiest to build our lives around one thing or person- any more and it gets complicated. So we do- we think that best friend, that dream job/career, that significant other, that new house/car will make us feel like we are whole, like we are accomplished, like we are on the right path of life.

Friends:  no matter how much love your friend or significant other showed you that day, now matter how perfectly your presentation went at work and how much your boss praised you, no matter how amazing you felt when you got those keys to your new whatever, at the end of the day you are going to be left wanting just a little bit more. You're going to feel like maybe there's something wrong with you, because why don't you feel perfect after that amazing day? There's something missing; you were expecting perfection, expecting total fulfillment, from something on this earth that was never meant to provide it. And so, if you don't end up thinking there's something wrong with you, you'll think there's something wrong with them for not making you feel perfect; either way, it causes problems. But if we aren't expecting perfection, then we are much more likely to be overjoyed with and thankful for what we have, for that day, instead of wondering why there wasn't more.

I hope this makes sense to all you other "all or nothing" people out there, too. We simply cannot expect every friendship, every relationship to be perfect right from the start. There's a lot of learning that goes on at the beginning:  who is this other person? what parts of our personalities mesh, what clash? There's a period of getting to know the other person; a period of settling in to a comfortable rhythm, instead of expecting everything to be exactly how you want it from the get-go. Things just don't work like that. There are steps in every relationship, but not like steps we're used to climbing. There's a lot that happens between those steps; it doesn't just go one to the next.

For me, that middle ground is the scary part. The steps- those seem to be clearly defined and make sense. The space in between is much less clear and takes work; maybe I'm afraid I'm not good enough and I just won't make it through the trying periods, the times where the other person really sees me for the crazy person I believe I am. Dang, maybe that's why I isolate myself from the people I most care about. Because it's hard and I'm afraid of failing, failing them.

From all this above, I have two points (man, are you guys lucky! Two! ;).

First, we are looking for perfection, meaning security and fulfillment, in the wrong places. This causes strain where there doesn't have to be! The only true security and fulfillment that we can find is not on this earth- it is God. He is the only one who never makes mistakes, who is unswervingly loving and faithful, who promises to be with us "to the very end of the age" (Matthew 28:20), who is preparing for us a place in heaven with Him. Who knew us at the beginning of time, who formed us in the womb exactly how He wanted us to be. Finding this joy and wholeness in Him is absolutely wonderful- but is also a challenge because of what we are used to. We are used to immediate, tangible gratification, and sometimes it is hard for us to see this in God. But friends, it is beyond worth it. Not only that, but He will help you find Him. And, not only will He help you find Him, but He is pursuing us. Why? Because He loves us, and we are His creation. Not because of anything we've done.
Second, that relationships, all relationships, take work and PATIENCE. We work to learn how to best love and support that other person, whether it be a friend, a significant other, a parent, a sibling, or God. We figure out what pleases them, and then we put it into practice. We spend quality time with them, time to listen and also time to be open with them about how we are doing. Patience is necessary because that's not going to come all at once for us or for them. It's a continuous learning process that will bring joy and pain- but I believe that it is all worth it in one way or another. It might be scary in those gray areas, that middle ground, or when you're frustrated because you don't know how to listen well or there is a problem on their end- BUT, that middle ground is where the tightest bonds and the best of memories are made. So bring on your "terrors," ground in between steps. I'm ready for you.

In the end, love triumphs.
And I don't mean the usual "love" we see in the movies.
I mean true, unwavering, cuts-to-the-soul love.
I really like what the band Beautiful Eulogy says about it, "maybe you're not finding [love] cause you're not defining it right." (See the lyric video here- the song is fantastic.)

*So in conclusion:  we can expect perfection, but only from the sole perfect being, God himself. Yay!

Ask yourself this:  are you expecting perfection from your relationships, job, or possessions? Why?

Peace & Blessings

Peace and Patience

Two things I typically don't have a lot of (or, for peace, something I rarely allow myself to feel...).

I've been thinking, and with hope comes peace, right? With faith too. If you have hope and faith in something or someone, you aren't constantly worried about it or scared it will fail on you.

So why am I always worried about one thing or another? What does this say about my faith and my hope...?

I don't really know how to grow my faith, or be sure that I really have a hope in something with all of me. But I suppose that that's where God comes in- He can do the things I can't do.

My lack of peace:  do I really believe that no matter what happens, that God is still good and still cares for me deeply and wants to pursue and love me? Do I truly believe He can sustain me no matter the circumstances?

My lack of patience:  do I really trust that His plans are greater than mine- and do I really think He's going to make it happen? Or do I want to hurry it up so I can make sure that everything's okay, so that just in case it's not, I can salvage something and fix my life back up?

Wow. I really do doubt.
But to know that so much good can come out of tragedy, if that's what ever becomes a part of my life:

when chance lit the forest on fire, and leveled all we'd
come to love and admire, up through the black floor
green stems grew up higher, and from that day we knew
that flowers would bloom
- Forest Fire, Covenhoven

Because music hits me in such deep ways, I believe that God really does bring songs into my life that help me to learn, grow, and be comforted. He's done it so many times before that I can never believe that it "just happens."

Anyways, this summer I'm really going to work on patience. I'm always in a hurry to make everything happen just the way I want it to be, but DUH that's not the way life goes. Patience in relationships, patience in knowing exactly what next spring will look like, patience in finding jobs for this autumn and spring, patience for all the exact details that I freak out about.

I was going to say, well, I've got my whole life ahead of me to live and figure myself out...but we are not guaranteed one more breath. I sure am thankful for each one that comes. So, all I can do is live each day like it's my last, in loving everyone to the fullest extent. That's going to require a lot of change in my life. I really do put my needs and wants in front of other people's. I care about my grades sometimes more than my relationships. And if there's anything I regret, it's not cultivating friendships more. It's isolating myself because I'm scared, shutting people out because it's hard to open up when there's so much of a mess inside. I try not to regret anything in my life, but this is one of two things I do regret, I think.

Peace and patience, my friends. The road to two fruits of the spirit. Here we go!

Peace & Blessings, y'all.

Another original: Nightmares

Nightmares under street lights,
I see them
Coming, coming for me
As I breathe in

Eyes closed, my heart stopped
As they whisper
Lies and disguises
Are their platform


Don't come, don't come any closer
I scream out
Don't come, don't come any closer

Danger for honest men
I see now
How they can terrorize
A bleeding heart


Don't come, don't come any closer
I scream out
Don't come, don't come any closer

_______________________________________

Peace & Blessings

Excitement

I'm sitting here, tearing up, wanting to jump up and down with pure excitement. Where is this coming from? I'm reading through the orientation packet for Honduras LT and I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT.

This is all that I've been working for- all the support raising I've done (through God's hands and the giving hearts of my supporters)- it's all for this.

I'M GOING TO HONDURAS. (Okay, not yet, but it's happening. IT'S REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.)

Paid or not, I'm going. I've raised more than enough to go as a participant. I'm at least GOING. I used to be all worried about getting paid but in all reality, it's going to be okay even if I'm not. God has eased my fears about that.

Does that mean that I doubt that God can make it happen? Definitely not. I am still hoping for some miracles to bring me from my current 68% to a FULL 100%. But there is some of me that wants to say, well if I just raise this much, I can still go, or I can still get paid just not as much...etc. If.

I have written on a post-it note on my wall that GOD is bigger than my "ifs." What a good reminder. I need that. Why should I reduce my goal because I'm scared, because I doubt ME?

Alright. I just had to get all that excitement out. Phew. Plus, I have been getting this feeling welling up inside me, growing stronger and stronger. I feel that I really truly am going to love it there, and it's going to feel like home. I know I adjust pretty easily to places, but I've never had this overwhelming feeling before that it will be home. Home.

I even ordered a passport card today and at the back of my mind was that, you know, I could be out of the country a lot in the next ten years and maybe this would really come in handy. Maybe my heart knows more of my future than I do, who knows?

Peace & Blessings

"Hang Him high, watch Him die..."

It sure has been some kind of week...

In all the madness, God was there taking care of me. Maybe I broke down a million times and yelled at Him rather than asked Him for help...but He never left. He sent me blessings in the form of people, of being served, of good food, of finally seeing friends I hadn't seen in way too long, and showing me that no matter how much I thought I was just not going to make it, I did make it.

But now I'm home, and though home makes everything seem a ton easier, I do feel a lot better. He's calmed my spirit.

This is really fitting since it is Easter weekend- I've been addicted to listening to this one song, called "Good Friday" by Josh Garrels. The words hit me. Really good to meditate on:

Broken wing, forgotten dream, shattered thing
That a man's hands can't ever truly mend
Shadow land, desert sand, a man searches
For a love that'll never die
Truth be known, you're not alone
Your aching bones will find a home
In place where God he sets us free
Wake me up before you go
I will listen for the sound of your voice
Hear the wind in the trees
It goes where it please
Like the breath in me
And all who have breath can sing

When we layed your body down
In earth and in the ground
Oh child, rest your soul.
Will a hope be made good
When a word is understood
In the day, will we see you again?

Gather round, hear the sound
Of a story that's so old that it's been told
Before time
He was born in the flesh and the blood
In a world that was dark as hell, and dead in sin

Born of the spirit, and the virgin child
He's the son of God, son of man
I didn't recognize that look in his eyes
When they cried
With a sorrow that no man has ever known
Hang him high, watch him die, hear the cry
Crucified up on that God forsaken tree
And all who have breath can sing

When we layed your body down
In the earth and in the ground
Oh Lord, rest your bones
Will a hope be made good
If your words are understood
In the day, will we see you again

Oh Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?
Oh my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Oh Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?
Oh my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

The ones that hit me the most were I didn't recognize that look in his eyes, when they cried, with a sorrow that no man has ever known...

We count ourselves, here on earth, as people that suffer more than God could ever know. But he does...and he knows it even more than we do. He has lost more sons and daughters, beloved ones, than we could ever imagine. He has had people hate Him, ignore Him, and actively try to draw people away from Him. He has seen people suffering from the wretchedness in their own hearts and only wishes them return to Him. He has seen more than we could bear, yet we doubt that He understands any of it.

But He does. He saw enough to want to intervene and save us. Leading us to Easter. He came, lived, suffered, and died, just to be with us. So that we could be with Him. It's beautiful.

So, Happy Easter tomorrow- and remember, He understands.

Peace & Blessings

Not Lucky...

...rather, blessed.

In the midst of all this craziness and stress and sickness, I am reminded that everything is still okay.

People I've never met before wanted to help me and my family out and brought some urgent mail to me all the way in Columbus yesterday.
My friends- no, I think I'll call them family- of OC Lane showed me yet again a beautiful picture of being a team who cares about each other and loves each other, and wants to support one another in whatever battle or triumph he/she is facing.
Friends came and visited me in the library last night and stayed up crazy late with me for that stupid paper. And then even tried to help me catch a cat on the way home (at 3:30am...).
Friends listened to me vent, my parents as well, and for that I am SO thankful.
A good friend even told me that I am strong. That meant a lot, especially now.
Getting to have deep conversations with people has been awesome too.

And God? God is good [all the time!]. He has done so much in my life this year, and so incredibly much in others. Even if I'm struggling, I know that He is here and He is good. After all, Love never fails.

So to everyone who is a part of my life (and a HUGE shout out to those I have leaned on this week especially!), thank you. From the deepest part of my heart.

Love you guys.
(Ironic, because this morning I felt love for pretty much nothing. It was a tough morning of me biking in the rain and cursing at pretty much every inanimate object that seemed to be slowing me down. The song that was in my head? "I Hate Everyone" by Say Anything. Funny how just clearing up your head can change so much.)

Peace & Blessings

Reversion

Guys...

I'm having a tough day. No, scratch that. A tough entire semester. All I want is to cry and sleep and watch TV and have my mom and dad take care of me. I WANT TO BE A CHILD AGAIN.

They said we'd wish it back. Well here I am, not even graduated college yet, and I already want my elementary-age life back.

I wish for the days where I could be sick and out of school for two days and not have to worry about work piling up. Not having to push through because even though I'm sick and need to rest and sleep, I have a paper due in a day and a half that I, at this point, have made zero actual progress on. I want my mom to cook me soup and bring me a blanket and tell me how sorry she is that I'm feeling awful.

And so this is me right now, crying in a library because I should be working on some stupid paper that I really don't give a rat's butt about. Make that TWO papers. Okay, I'll be honest, there's actually 3 papers. And a quiz. And a final...all this week.
Not to mention that now, after sending in my passport renewal forms an ENTIRE MONTH AGO, the government has just told me that no, I can't do that, I have to do it another way. SORRY THAT YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS AND NEVER TOLD ME THAT. And now maybe I won't have a passport by the time I am leaving on a freaking plane for Honduras. I literally don't have time for this. Or the mental capacity to think about one more dang thing.

It's really hard for me to not give up on everything in my life right now, so if you're reading this, could you take a moment to pray for me? I can't tell you how much I would appreciate that. Or bring me tissues or come give me a hug (but that's a long shot).

Now, to get back to my paper(s). Thanks for letting me vent, internet. You're great.

Peace & Blessings

It's been...ONE week

One week later and here I am. Confused, lonely, and pushing myself away from God. Sins. Selfishness. I'm doing it to myself and I hate it.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing.                   Romans 7:15,16-19

I know I'll always have my sinful nature in me- that's just part of being human.

...but knowing that it will never leave, not until I die...it's a smothering feeling. Because no matter what I do, no matter what God does in me, it will always be there in the corner of my mind and heart, smiling that smug smile and acting as the devil on my shoulder, only in disguise as your "everyday human desires."

That scares me the most.

For me...it's everything or nothing. Cold-turkey or glutton. All the way high or all the way low. The same old "I have no middle ground" complaint I've had for years now.

I gave up alcohol. Made it 5 months and I felt great. The mistake was thinking, maybe I'll try it again because maybe now I can control myself. Maybe it won't be so much of a desire to drink away my pain, drink more than I know is good for me. The temptation. Well, turns out I still don't like it, it still doesn't make me feel good, still leaves me empty, and still I have little control.
So of course, I want nothing to do with it anymore. It seems that for me personally, the only option is to stop completely. But that messes with my life. It's really not a big deal but I make it that.

And there's other sins that I try so hard, of my own accord, to stop. And I just can't. I need God for that. But every time I screw up my "sinful nature's" friend, GUILT, is there to shame me and tell me that I'm a failure so why not just keep on failing? Since I've already "lost" the battle. That I can't run to God because He will only look at me in disgust and be ashamed of me.

But that's not the way God, the Merciful One, the Loving One, works. The Forgiving One.

But I tell myself that every time I mess up. Which, being human, is more often than not.

So God...Lord...help me crush this sinful desire and this guilt so that I can more fully run to you. That I can do the good I want to do. Through You.

Peace & Blessings