It's been...ONE week

One week later and here I am. Confused, lonely, and pushing myself away from God. Sins. Selfishness. I'm doing it to myself and I hate it.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing.                   Romans 7:15,16-19

I know I'll always have my sinful nature in me- that's just part of being human.

...but knowing that it will never leave, not until I die...it's a smothering feeling. Because no matter what I do, no matter what God does in me, it will always be there in the corner of my mind and heart, smiling that smug smile and acting as the devil on my shoulder, only in disguise as your "everyday human desires."

That scares me the most.

For me...it's everything or nothing. Cold-turkey or glutton. All the way high or all the way low. The same old "I have no middle ground" complaint I've had for years now.

I gave up alcohol. Made it 5 months and I felt great. The mistake was thinking, maybe I'll try it again because maybe now I can control myself. Maybe it won't be so much of a desire to drink away my pain, drink more than I know is good for me. The temptation. Well, turns out I still don't like it, it still doesn't make me feel good, still leaves me empty, and still I have little control.
So of course, I want nothing to do with it anymore. It seems that for me personally, the only option is to stop completely. But that messes with my life. It's really not a big deal but I make it that.

And there's other sins that I try so hard, of my own accord, to stop. And I just can't. I need God for that. But every time I screw up my "sinful nature's" friend, GUILT, is there to shame me and tell me that I'm a failure so why not just keep on failing? Since I've already "lost" the battle. That I can't run to God because He will only look at me in disgust and be ashamed of me.

But that's not the way God, the Merciful One, the Loving One, works. The Forgiving One.

But I tell myself that every time I mess up. Which, being human, is more often than not.

So God...Lord...help me crush this sinful desire and this guilt so that I can more fully run to you. That I can do the good I want to do. Through You.

Peace & Blessings