First, a few verses/passages that have hit me and encouraged me:
The LORD replied, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave;
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in our presence with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:8-11
"Be strong and courageous...the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:7-8
And as a good friend reminded me: "You're going to do great. God knows what you need and what you are ready for. He will be faithful." [What a fantastic truth! I needed that first part too- a little positivity can really change one's perspective.]
Alright! Let's start at the beginning of this burst of learning I've been experiencing.
Friday night. Couldn't sleep, was talking to a good friend (two, actually) about the future and trusting God. I'll preface the rest with this: pretty much all my spiritual issues and doubts come back down to not fully trusting God. Mostly this comes up when I think about my future (I've spoken to this in previous posts). What is my solution? If I'm honest...it's to completely ignore the future and focus on the here and now. I guess my subconscious thought was, well, if I don't think about the future, then I don't have to worry about trusting God with it, or my lack of trust, do I? Heh, perfect, that's what I'll do! Problem solved. EEHHHH. Problem not solved, actually. Problem just ignored. But had I realized this before? Nope. Not until my friend said on Friday night that he also has a hard time with trusting God, but he looks to the future and that helps him turn to God for support and trust. I was struck by that. WOW! I mean, I knew I had a weak point in the trust sector, but I guess ignoring the future made me think that working on developing that trust wasn't important at the moment. So...maybe I do need to be praying for increased trust in Him. It's a step in the right direction!
Saturday. Impromptu extended quiet time with God (ended up being 3 hours) with another good friend at a coffee shop. Brought my bible, journal, and a different book, thinking that I'd have some time with God and then when I ran out of stuff I wanted to write/pray/read in the bible, I'd move on to the book. Friends, I did not make it to the book!
It actually started off rough. I felt disconnected, like I was beating down on myself with my words, almost as though I was trying to make myself sound crazier/worse off than I actually am. I got frustrated and crossed it all out, my friend giving me a weird look for that one, ha.
Then I finally thought to myself, what are you doing? This isn't you...just talk to God, be honest, and actually give it a try. I don't care if you're not sure what to say. Just do it! So, I did.
First thing that came up was about my self-image, mentally/emotionally at least. I'm really hard on myself, and frankly, in the last year I've really hated parts of my personality, or just little parts of who I am. I get frustrated with things, like my "all or nothing" mentality, or my confusion on emotions, or the fact that I have a hard time keeping up with people (part of which allows me to adjust to new places easily- maybe too easily). Well, I've asked God to "fix" me- which means, take away these things that are so normal to me. Make me more like the average person. I can't tell you all how many times I've begged God to "let me be normal." But what I started realizing on Saturday: God made me the way I am. And every time I question that (other than the parts of me that really have been broken down by the sinful flesh), I am questioning if God really knew what He was doing when He made me this way. Ahem, excuuuuse me, who am I to ask God that? Not only this, but this theme kept popping up too (second thing):
** Our expectations, or what we think we need, are hardly ever what God knows we actually need. **
God must be using these things in my life for a reason; maybe these "frustrating" parts of my personality are actually here to teach me something, or to have me grow in some way. Who [but God] knows. So, I asked for God to heal me, in whatever way He sees fit. Perhaps that is just giving me peace about these things, perhaps it's something radically different. But I know I want to trust that He will do (and is doing) what is best for me! I do long to trust Him.
Now, God was making this "shattered expectations" thing abundantly clear. For some reason, I decided I should start in on the book of Acts. And wow, have I already learned SO MUCH from the first 5 chapters!
I'll just talk through a couple things that showed me how God > our expectations:
First off, when Jesus is back speaking with the disciples before he ascends, they ask him a question: is this when you're going to restore the kingdom of israel? AKA are we finally going to go to war, win, and get rid of all those Romans?
They had been told their whole lives that this is what the Messiah would do- restore Israel. But God had in mind a bigger restoration than did the near-sighted disciples. God was talking about a Heaven on earth, while they just wanted the Romans gone. I think God's plan sounds much better, don't you? It's a lot about perspective.
Second, and this is what I've been musing over a lot the past couple days. I'm actually just going to type out the passage below so y'all can read it too:
Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" So the man gave them his attention. Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. Acts 3:2-7 (NIV)That day, I'm sure the crippled man's spirits were not higher than any other day; he was probably just hoping for enough money to make it by, like he always did. And from the passage, it didn't even seem he was very connected with his surroundings, as seen by him not even looking at Peter and John as he asked for change. So, he wasn't expecting much- and wasn't asking much.
But when Peter walks by, he doesn't just toss him a coin and look away. He looks right at him, and asks the man to do the same. Once he has his attention, he makes it clear that he is not going to be giving the man what he asked for- and I'm sure the man's spirits dropped for a second. Then, all the man's expectations are blown out of the water when Peter offers him the gift of healing. Not only does he offer it, but he helps the man realize this healing by helping him to his feet.
OH. MY. GOODNESS. There is so much in this little story. Here's how I see it, in God and I's (or just with God and people in general's) relationship. Most of the time, we are just asking for "little" things. Things that will get us through or the things that we really believe we need, but maybe not the big things. Maybe we even think it's absurd to ask for the big things, like this man was. Then, we're kind of numbed to it all, like the man. All the while, God is there, just asking for us to LOOK at him and actually SEE him for who he is...a God that is so much bigger than the little things we ask for, so much greater than our doubts. He wants to give us what we really need, even the things we thought were impossible- if we would only pay attention! I think that he really does want us to see the bigger picture- see what he has planned on the large scale so we too understand what we truly need. Then, the crazy awesome stuff happens when we look back at him and actually listen. But it doesn't stop then- he still doesn't just leave us alone, he gives us a hand to take hold of the blessing or calling and shows us the way- helping us believe and act.
Can I just take a minute? Mind.....BLOWN.
(I also want to say one thing about my statements above. This by no means is me saying that God only acts when we pay attention- he is always doing crazy awesome stuff! I'm just saying that being a part of it is pretty dang cool. Also- how important taking the time to just focus on him and listen to him, instead of blabbering on like I usually do.)
The third thing I took from Acts relates to something I've posted about before- how I've felt like I am very similar to the apostle Peter. Now in the past, Peter has been quick to act without thinking first (like when Jesus is being arrested in the garden, it is Peter who draws his sword and cuts a soldier's ear off, just to be reprimanded by Jesus), has had a desire to not just hear things, but know for himself (when the women tell the disciples that Jesus's tomb is empty, it is Peter who runs to the tomb to see), and it is even Peter who wants to truly believe and do for himself (he asks to walk to Jesus on the water).
But the Peter in Acts...he seems to be all grown up and matured. He has become a true leader. On a few occasions in the beginning of Acts, he stands up and addresses the Christians and non-Christians, either directing them to the next step, or defending what he believes in. His words are based on The Word, and he constantly points the people around him to the truth in Christ. He even has the faith to heal a crippled man! So what did all this show me?
There is hope for me yet. Peter in the Gospels seemed a bit all over the place- asking questions, wondering if he can do the same things as Christ through God's power and his faith, and acting rashly- even if it's in love and defense. But look at him now- leading men, being bold in his faith, and focusing on scripture. God has transformed him! So, it reminds me that God can do this in me as well. Hope!
What I also learned from his example is that strong leaders depend on scripture. Everything he said was based on The Word and/or what Jesus had said. He was familiar with it and understood it. First off, DUH I should be focusing on the Bible, and second, what a great reminder to study His word!
Okay, here's the last thing I'm going to share. A lot of us (including me, especially recently) believe that we have to be super qualified to share Christ with others: we should be going to more bible studies, should be reading a whole book of the bible every day, studying Hebrew and Ancient Greek, going on prayer walks every day....you get the point. We think we must be perfect in order to be an effective evangelist. FALSE. Look at Peter and John in Acts 4:1-22 after they healed the crippled beggar!
When [the Sadducees] saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and took note that they had been with Jesus. But since they could see the man who had been healed standing there with them, there was nothing they could say. Acts 4:13-14First, Peter and John were courageous and stood up for what they had done, and that they had done it in the name of Christ! (You should read what Peter says right before this passage!) Second, they were filled with the Holy Spirit when they were speaking and when they healed the man- this is what allowed these "ordinary men" to do extraordinary things! God can use anyone- He is able! Third, even though it may have just been an association in this case, it was obvious that they knew Jesus- would people around us be able to see that in us?? Last, the teachers of the law that were attacking Peter and John were silenced by the proof standing in front of them. A lot of times I feel like there just isn't any hard proof for God and his character- but then I look back on my life and the Christian's around me's lives, and I see proof everywhere. He is so active, and sometimes I forget this proof!
Okay. This is all I will say for now (though I'm sure there is more that I learned that I haven't even realized yet). Phew! I'm excited to keep reading through the book of Acts.
Have a great Monday, all. (I feel as though I should apologize for the length of this post...)
Peace & Blessings
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