Randoms

Haven't posted in a while. Guess too much has been going on and I haven't been taking the time to sort all my thoughts and feelings out on here.

One thing I know:  God has blessed me ever so much and wants the best for me. And yes, the best for me happens to be God himself. And who can argue with that logic?

Here I am. Laying in my bed past 2 am, unable to sleep, and I have to get up at 6. To volunteer, which I've been excited about for over a month now.

And now I'm wrestling with feelings. But like I was just reminded by in a post on facebook, God has perfect timing, knows far better than we do, and is FAITHFUL. I need help with my patience because most of the time, I'd rather take things into my own hands, maybe making mistakes, instead of waiting on direction. But not this time. I feel reassured.

Although I question whether some things are signs:  same priorities >> same interests. Yes. And then this....maybe I think too much. (OK, I know I do, shhh.)

I really should sleep now but I feel restless. Hopefully sleep comes to me soon.

P.S. Green River Ordinance is a freaking sweet band. Take a listen.

Peace & Blessings

Here it is.

Just watched The Office finale, and it's got me all emotional and nostalgic.

It makes me really excited for the rest of my life. Makes me think, want to cherish every single moment I have because you never know how much the littlest, silliest things can mean or how they can change your life forever.

And I'm about in tears right now just thinking about everyone leaving next year. I know I'll always know my best friends that I've made here. But there's still something intrinsically sad about leaving the place you grew up in. I may have started in Monroe, NC and continued in Wadsworth, OH, but so much has changed because of my experiences and the people I've met in Columbus, OH. I wish I could say it better, that I could type the words these tears are trying to express.

We're growing up. I guess when I was little, 21 seemed so far away. Marriage, kids, a "big girl" job...those were all so abstract. But now that 21 is only three months away and graduation a year and a half...I'm realizing I hardly know how I got here. I wish I had a documentary of my life, like The Office, so I could go back and look at all the little things that made me who I am, some that I didn't even realize. But I suppose I can't dwell on the past. Just be thankful for it.

I have a lot of love to give. A lot of love, but it's all from God. I guess I'm just scared I won't be able to get it all out, give it all away. But that's not my responsibility, I guess, to make sure that everyone is loved. All I can do is my best and let God do the rest.

My fears? Not for me. I'll be okay. I have so much joy and so much hope, in God and all He can do here on this earth. There are so many angels all around us, I'm convinced. And He'll make everything work out. I can't wait to see you all in heaven. And I want to do everything possible to make sure I see you. The pain of this earth breaks my heart. Maybe I have to realize that I don't need to do something big and spectacular with my life to change the world. Maybe it's just loving people. And I'm 100% okay with that.

Dang. I can hardly see what I've typed through my tears. I promise they're happy. They're excited tears. For your lives, for mine.

...This song (because music is the air I breathe) was the backdrop to this blog post. Take a listen, I love it. You can get this song on NoiseTrade.com if you like it (search bonnaroo) for free! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAiAJXkSe78

Life is good. God is good.

Peace & Blessings

A Change of Pace?

I'm really excited!

The EXPLORE Workshop has come to a close and has left me with something very different than what I expected. I came into this hoping to hone in on God's "mission" calling for me, still not having much of an idea what that might be. I'd thought for so long that it would be out of the country and I'd very much clung to this idea, and somewhat settled with the idea that God had this planned for me and now I could just push on forward and do it! Of course, that is definitely not the right way to go about it. I will change nothing in this world without God directing it and God actually being the one working on people's hearts, minds, and souls. Which, as a prideful, wanna be "self-sufficient" individualist in an individualistic culture is hard for me to take in and be at peace with. But when I look at the reasoning for, the foundation of why I want to change and repair what I do, I see that this is all based on God and His qualities and His love for the people of this world.

Here's what's going on now:
Today, something a leader of my church said got me surprisingly fired up. He was talking about how there was a partnership of churches in Lansing and the surrounding area that worked together to meet the needs of the least of these...the single and struggling mothers and teen moms, the families with parents out of a job that are grasping at straws to get by, the widows, the orphans, the physically and mentally handicapped, the homeless, and the elderly. Each area church specializes in meeting a different need, such as baby clothes, diapers, caregivers, you name it, and when there is a need in that area, that church steps up and meets that person where they are, serving them and caring for them like maybe no one else would.

First thing I thought? THIS DISMANTLES THE BYSTANDER EFFECT. Which, if you've studied psychology/sociology, you'll know is the phenomenon of seeing someone suffering or hurting, but passing by and not helping simply because there are a lot of other people around you. This "crowd" falsely assures you that someone else will come to this person's rescue. This ends in a lack of aid and an extension and exacerbation of pain. But if there is an "institution" in place, this local partnership of churches, where there is specialization, these needs, these people, will not be ignored. Cannot be ignored. Why? Because the buck stops there. No excuse for ignorance.

Let me tell you a little about what I am feeling called to, but first, more of what I believe...

There are things intrinsically wrong with how this country is run. No, this time not the politicians (though I could probably talk forever on corruption and greed). This time, the basis and purpose of the government and the role the Church plays in our society and in meeting this nation's needs.

• The government was created to be a structured leadership for this nation. One that made laws and found ways to improve the country as a whole. It was concerned with directly and accurately representing the people, namely through democracy.
• The Church is a body. A vessel of God's love and care and compassion for the world. The radically new church of Acts 2 shows the members loving and serving one another in the most selfless ways. You had plenty? You [happily and willingly] supported those who didn't. This reached throughout the whole community and no one went without. This was true community - and they loved it.
• This community and service oriented "body" was focused on bypassing the iniquities people suffered and the separation between the poor and rich. Why? Because it's all God's anyways. None of it is anything we can take with us when we leave this world. They didn't turn people away because they seemingly had nothing to offer. And, mind you, this was still back in the time where people believed if you were blessed with riches it was God blessing you, i.e. you must have been doing something right. And they were still giving up their money to those less well off.

There are more efficient ways to do everything, of this I am certain. This can apply to helping, to churches, as well. 

What if churches all over banded together to love and serve people, the least of these, the way that Jesus would, were He still on earth in the flesh? The way God designed us to care for one another? 

Well, here's the kicker:  there are already conferences of churches formed all over this country.

But this is probably something you knew.

At these annual conferences or gatherings, much of what is discussed, I presume (and somewhat know) is doctrine. And sure, this is important for the Church to run smoothly. But I highly doubt that all this time spent discussing such things is really needed. (Now, I do not want to offend anyone or say that these conferences are useless, because that is definitely not what I believe.)

This is what I'm really excited about:

What if the Church spent more time figuring out how to love their communities (local and global) than how to get higher numbers in their pews on Sunday morning? 

One of my pastors from back home is using this idea of missional community instead of invitational community to lead his new church plant in Columbus (C3-CampusCityChurch) - and it's just now hitting me how completely amazing that is. Why? Because allowing people to see God in us first is many times a lot more effective than just telling them about Him. And how do we do that? By loving and serving them humbly and selflessly. 

Plus, God commands us to care for the orphan, the widow, the last, lost, and least. So what are we doing sitting on our butts?! (I am guilty of this laziness also so I am not judging, just calling out this behavior in all of us to better this planet.)

I am convinced that between God (okay, let's be honest, all God - for we can do pretty much nothing without Him) and the small services we can do for our neighbors that WE CAN TURN THIS WORLD AROUND.

What do I want to do? Serve. Research. Draft up a plan. That's right, not just an idea - but a well thought out plan. You might wonder, what are you even thinking you can do with this plan, Jenna? Well, the hope is, God willing and leading, present it to these conferences. Get an audience with some influence. Get people on my side and get them EXCITED. Why? Because the way I see it, this is a revolution. This is new and radical (though it shouldn't be) and in reality, no Christian should be opposed. I mean...it's helping people. It's loving people.

Do good.
Do no harm.
Love God & love others.

Simple as that. Let me know if you want to be a part of this! I'm not backing down, and neither will my faith in the one true God.

Peace&Blessings

So far!

Two people loving the Lord makes instant connections. I love it!

However, my time here has already challenged me by forcing me to look at the ways in which I act and how that affects others.
Mainly, in trusting others. I believe that, perhaps for quite a while now, God has been challenging me to humble myself. This might mean during a group project I would have to back off and trust people to do what they were assigned. I'm worried that when this is applied to school it will mean giving up my grades...which is something I just cannot bear to do. I suppose it's one thing I find my identity in. If I'm not the A+ student, sometimes I fail to see who I am. Which I realize is a very skewed view of myself and even what is important in life. But hey, that's where I'm at right now.

Also, I'm pretty terrified right now.

Why?
Because I'm afraid that this foreign workshop will tell me that this is not what I'm meant to do. But...then what do I do? I guess I had kind of planned on this being what I turned to. Which means I'm not trusting God with my future...just giving myself the illusion that I was. I guess this is another thing I need God's help with.

Otherwise I'm really enjoying the company and the time in Michigan! :)

Peace & Blessings

I have not been persistent...

So I have this workshop about foreign missions coming up in a few days, which I'm super excited about! Four days with a couple good friends in Michigan, what's not to love? (Other than the fact that it's in Michigan.) BUT...

I've been totally ignoring anything and everything surrounding that topic since I signed up a couple weeks back.

Yes, I am super excited about my future and where God's going to lead me. But every time I think I'm smooth sailing, good to go, nothing holding me back, BOOM, doubt once again surfaces. No, no, maybe it's not doubt. It's more of fear. I'm too scared to actually start pursuing things to set me up for opportunities post-college. Why? I'm afraid that I might choose the "wrong" thing and mess everything up.
But then I think, I'm worrying about choosing the "wrong" path...so am I praying about it? Consistently and fervently? Including God in my decisions? - no, rather focusing my decisions on God and praying for direction?

.....no.....

Well shoot. I shouldn't even be complaining then. I have a clear way to calm my fears. PRAY.

Also, I'm feeling very insecure. I read through the list of people going to the workshop and most have been on multiple foreign mission trips before. I haven't even felt called (or secure enough) to go on the out-of-country foreign missions trips offered by my home church or my campus church. And I know I've had it in my mind and on my heart since the end of high school that foreign missions was where I was meant to be, but I feel like I know nothing about it (reason #1 I'm attending this workshop) and I feel like it is something so abstract to many people I talk to. Why? Because at this point, I'm not going to have anything that most would see as a helpful skill in going over there, wherever "there" is. Which kind of freaks me out too. I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I can offer.

I can love people and serve them. And I suppose that the Bible does say that God equips whom He calls, not the other way around. (I suppose?? This is a great truth that I am not able to fully appreciate right now, it seems.)
Philippians 1:6  "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Hebrews 13:20-21  "Now may the God of peace...equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever."

I needed that reminder. That this is GOD'S story, and He is going to make happen what is supposed to happen. He wants His children to love and serve one another, ultimately bringing all of us closer to Him. So if I'm trying my darndest to love and serve, I doubt He will leave me hanging.

I also have not been praying about a couple (ok, a few) other things. So if any prayer warriors out there feel like helping me out, I'd greatly appreciate it :)
A) What to do with the free time I'm going to have this summer and in May. I'd love to spend it volunteering and investing in friends, coworkers, and classmates, but the specifics of those are hard to pin down.
B) In anticipation of the fall, I'm going to have to decide which team at h2o I'm going to be a part of. Half the year I was thinking that I would go to off-campus because that would be more my age (somewhat) and hopefully closer to me. But then I realized, why would I want to leave South Scarlet? So now I'm just not sure. I've got a while, but I would like to be prepared and have some idea this summer - so praying now! Also, whether or not to lead a small group next year.
C) My fall semester is going to be terrible time-wise. So I'm considering dropping one of the classes and putting it off until the spring. However, I'm not sure if I need to, but I've been reminded of the fact that I said (and know) that relationships are something I really value developing, and people time is hard to have when I'm overwhelmed by a million classes. So whether or not to drop that class.
D) I have a lot of pride associated with my grades. I said to my team leader, Kathy, earlier this semester that I'd realized that grades in my classes were the one thing I would not give up for God. And once I said it out loud I realized how bad that was. So that has been challenging me because I never thought about God calling me to give up the 4.0 I'm obsessed with to build into Him and His children. It's one of the more challenging thoughts I've had recently.

Thanks to whoever is reading! :)

Peace & Blessings

BLESSED. So incredibly blessed.

Much like I posted about last year around this time, I don't know where this year has gone...

I've been thinking about all I wanted to do this school year, and with that, realizing all that I have not accomplished, at least from this list. It's kind of upsetting, really. However, I did realize something else. GOD has done a lot this year. In me, around me, and maybe even through me. In that aspect, it's been pretty dang productive. So I'm going to list out all that I can remember! It's always a great thing to look back on and cling to in the darker days. It's dragged me out of the grim places more than a few times.

(And yes, I am doing this instead of studying for my finals. I needed a break, alright?)

• I've made countless friends on the 2 mission trips I've been on with h2o this year, to Tuscaloosa, AL with Habitat for Humanity, and Altamont, TN with Mountain T.O.P. 
• Through both of these, He's also introduced me to the most amazing communities I've ever experienced. Joking, loving, pursuing deep relationships, encouraging, refocusing, and serving are the things held dear.
• He's shown me His truest colors, an incredible and unwavering agape love, in the way of blooming relationships, answered prayers (even when I was not persistent in asking!), forgiveness given me by friends, using others as angels to help me out, and just little miracles and moments that made everything work out better than expected. AND in being able to see what He is doing in people's lives around me, which is always extremely encouraging. He has shown me how active He truly is!
• I shouldn't even get myself started on what He's been doing in regards to my future. I've gone from nursing (being happy to be there to uncomfortable with what that path meant), back to pre-med, and now just Molecular Genetics...which I don't think I'll even be using post-undergrad. It's been a roller coaster ride without a doubt. BUT, He's brought me to a place where I am actually comfortable and excited about not knowing what my future holds, even just next year. I have never been able to say that before without it being a complete lie. 
• He has truly opened my eyes to the opportunities around me, past just medicine or whatever else I was clinging to.
• He has kindled in me a HUGE passion for serving and loving people!
• He has shaped and changed not just what I tell people my passions are, but really what they are (i.e. lost the passion for medicine, gained more for serving/loving, and even how I feel about other people, aka in relationships).
• A few weeks ago, I feel like He really answered my prayer for at least a glimpse into what my unknown future would hold. Through the relationships I've been able to form with people in my classes this semester, and at work and h2o, He's given me a newfound love for people that I didn't always have before. He's shown me that whatever my future holds, I'm going to need to have time to invest in people, learn about them and be a part of their lives! I want to use my life as an example of radical, unequivocal love that I know (and I hope others will see) comes straight from God. And yes, I am acknowledging that I will make mistakes and will fail because I am not perfect. But here's to trying, and here's to knowing that I'm not alone in this mission :)
• I got the opportunity to co-lead a small group for h2o this year! There were struggles and joys, but I am so thankful for the opportunity. I feel like every time I've had a leadership position, God has used it to grow me in the qualities a servant leader needs!
• I was encouraged this year in Tennessee by being a co-leader of a tribe that seemed to really grow together and mesh, after a tough time being a leader the past year and realizing that I had no idea what I was doing. This year God allowed me to come in to the trip with no expectations (not needing it to be better/worse than the last 2 years), but a desire to be one with my group, and to lead them by serving and humbling myself. Which, was challenging, but God helped me immensely and really grew me as a leader and a friend :)
• Through my Lenten promise to give up alcohol (shhh I know I'm not 21 yet...), God has shown me how faithful He really is. Once I got the courage to get the words "I gave up alcohol for Lent" out of my mouth, He helped me stick to it. It was an eye opener, and wasn't even that difficult with His help. He let me take a step back from the situation and see the harm it can do me. 
• I was even able to talk to my dad about my struggles, and learn more about my family's history with that sort of thing, and have a reminder that no matter what happens, I have a strong support system at home. They've shown me grace and understanding.

This is not at all an exhaustive list, but WOW, I'm astounded at this year already! I'm only stopping because I have to go to work. (Another thing I need to add to this list! And my struggles with singleness, so that I don't forget.)

Peace & Blessings

First! (from earlier)

today has been hard. for a few reasons.

it was hard loving people today. not the people that are easy to love. a few of my older coworkers, a couple of the pathologists, and some of my classmates...they weren't hard to love. in fact, i had some wonderful conversations today with them. i feel like they're an adopted family in a way. i guess i do that with the people i'm surrounded by. not that that's a bad thing, i don't think.

but the people that were hard to love...my boss, my professor, certain acquaintances...well, i did not love well today.

and i realized i complain a lot. like way more than my life allows. about work (shouldn't i be thankful that i 1. have a job? 2. have one that pays well? 3. where i don't have to cook greasy food? 4. where i enjoy my coworkers? 5. where my boss is incredibly flexible and understanding with hours?), about school (shouldn't i be thankful that my parents have the money to put me through whatever college i chose? that i'm intelligent and for the most part am not drowning in my classwork? that i can live in a wonderful city and attend a well-known university?), about not being able to focus (shouldn't i be amazed and thankful for all the luxury, but really, things around me that allow for distractions? and shouldn't i just suck it up and work because i'm studying as though i'm studying for the Lord?), about having to go to the doctor/dentist/etc (shouldn't i be thankful i have insurance and have the luxury to go when i need to and not worry about the cost?), and so many other things...

I AM SO BLESSED.

it's something that He has been reminding me of, hour after hour, day after day, week after week. no matter if i'm stressed, exuberant, failing, succeeding....He shows me again and again that He deeply cares for me and i am not alone in this.

Brandon Heath's "As Long As I'm Here" reminds me of my mission in life. To love unconditionally and indiscriminately; to humbly serve the last, the lost, the least; and to praise the Good Lord who made me, saved me, and forgave me.

Some day I'll pass through the great sky above
And the first thing I'll ask is how well did I love?
Did I leave the world any better than it was before?
Of all the things I've done, could I have done any more?

'Cause it took me a while just to find my feet
And to learn how to stand on my own
But You gave me the heart and the time I would need
To find You and make it back home where I belong

Some day I'll go to the great, wide beyond
Where Moses and Mary and Jacob and my loved ones have gone
But I will rejoice in today and the journey I'm on
And I'll keep on praying and pressing on until dawn

Only to see a glimpse of Your face
To peek in to Heaven, time and space
Oh, to feel my own frailty and tremble in fear
To know You are with me as long as I'm here
Oh, as long as I'm here

Some day I'll pass through the great sky above
And the first thing I'll ask is how well did I love?

Peace & Blessings