'Everything's gonna be alright...'

It's been a really tough year for me so far:  emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically.

I've realized a lot of things about myself that I'd ignored and run from for years- or just never put together in the first place.
Support raising for Honduras (for this summer) has been rewarding, in some aspects, and painful and terrifying in others. I have failed to trust God. I have relied on my own efforts. I have run from Him because I'm scared and when I get scared I shut off...
I have isolated myself more than ever because that is what looked to be the least painful.
I have hated myself and doubted that God could ever really change me and the ugliness I see in my heart.
I've struggled to know who I am and what I feel. I've felt immature in not knowing how to discern what I'm feeling; a severe challenge to my pride and how openly I interact with others.

But today...today maybe I am okay.
Because today at the church service I went to (C3: City Campus Church), I felt God answered some of my deepest questions with only a couple thoughts.

1) The redemptive love He showed on that cross is the defining moment of my life.

The defining moment...that means that I am defined. I am not some unsure being floating around, I am defined; and by a perfect LOVE, no less! Beyond that- I am cherished, chosen, an heir, forgiven, shown mercy, a daughter of the Perfect Creator, and so much more. I know I've heard this all before, but it never meant so much to me until now, never made so much sense. I don't have to keep wondering who I am. I am LOVED and I am HIS. 

2) Grace, His grace, can change who I am.

Like I said, I've hated "me" for a long while now. "Me" being all the worst qualities:  fickleness, how easy it is for me to lie to myself and others and to run away, to separate myself from others, my selfish pride, my need to know everything (so that I ultimately don't have to depend on anything or anyone), my 'all or nothing' mentality, my insane love for food, my wasting of time....BUT GUESS WHAT? This comes from the flesh side of me, the worldly, sinful side. And that is not truly me. I've doubted for so long that God could make me into a person that I'm not completely ashamed of. But to hear again that His GRACE really can change me...what a relief. It all hit me at once that yes, yes He really can do it. He really CAN change me into the woman he wants me to be.

So today, today I am okay.

If you're interested in watching the video ('Falling Plates') that went along with the service this morning (a depiction of creation, the fall, redemption, and re-creation), see it here. It's powerful and it hit me hard. Enjoy.

Peace & Blessings

An addition:

I really am weak. I've tried to do it all this semester without Him and I can't...I just can't do it all. I haven't been okay and I know why now. I am so weak- but that is okay. Because He is so strong. And He promised to carry me; all I have to do is trust Him. TRUST. What a beautiful, terrifying thing.