Easy being alone

I feel as though there are a lot of things that I need to say:  to own up to, get off my chest, talk through to seek a greater understanding of. So I am going to try to do some of that here.

On [maybe] leaving Columbus.
Half of me is excited to leave, to try life in a new place, to see what that is like. The other half is terrified to leave, seeing as this has been my home, the place where many of the people I love are, for the last going on 5 years. There are certain people, things, and comforts that I do not want to leave. It's the little things, too, like being able to bike along the Olentangy Trail in the fall and spring, to go sit on the roof of Pomerane Hall and gaze over Mirror Lake at night, casual trips to Buckeye Donuts, every morning with my h2o friends at Neil Ave Baptist Church or Hitchcock Hall, huddled under blankets watching New Girl with friends, trips to Global Gallery and Goodwill...and so much more. Dear friends that I'm scared to leave because my track record has proven me generally awful at keeping up with people when I'm far from them (and I absolutely hate that about myself).
But that other half...the side that is excited to run away and start fresh, doing something I know I will actually enjoy.

And for so long I wanted to be here, independent and supporting myself financially, and then today I find myself longing for the comforts of home and my parents. As I was sitting in church this morning, I remembered how nice it was to come home from church in high school and stand in the kitchen right as I walked in, the lights off save for the natural light pouring in from the windows and doors, waiting for my mom to have lunch ready so that we could all eat together at the same table I've sat at since I was little. For some reason that is one of the most relaxing feelings I can recall. Then golf would be on afterwards and I would curl up and fall asleep to the announcers on TV...

After all these weeks of working doubles, the long days that seem to never end, maybe it's getting to me. Maybe that's why I am homesick today, or longing for the ease that was not really having to worry about anything at all, except to make sure I got an A in AP Calculus. I don't know. But I wanted to get all that out.

Another thing is something I was thinking of yesterday as I drove home from my first job. Since I've been so busy these last few months, my schedule not really jiving with anyone else's, I've spent a lot of time doing things on my own. Heck, I even went to the movies by myself in January. A couple nights ago I went alone to Nyoh's (my favorite country line dancing bar). And at first I didn't like it, wished I could have more plans with people, wished I didn't have to be so alone all the time. But as time has gone on, I've seen that it's a lot easier, at least in logistical terms, to do most stuff alone. Going to the store. Working out. Watching Netflix. Really anything. So now I enjoy my alone time and have a harder time when I plan things with people because I cannot be so independent with such things (can't leave just when I want to leave, can't go exactly the speed I want to, etc.). Caveat:  I love hanging out with friends and doing things with them (I love you guys, I promise!), it's just become less natural for me now and that makes it harder, I guess. So now bike rides to Antrim Lake where I just go and eat an apple and people and nature watch for a while, all by myself, are very refreshing rather than what some people would see as depressing.

But here's the thing- all this just goes to show how scared I still am of commitment (even on little things such as plans to do something together), or being vulnerable in other words; how selfish I can be (because spending time with people means it won't always go my way- not that I consciously think of it that way, but still the thoughts are there); and how much I've strayed from God in this new world I've found called "independence."

It's not like I want to live this whole life alone- quite the opposite. My biggest fear is being alone, like completely alone in the sense of I've got no one left to run to, not in the sense of being physically alone. I very much want to be married someday and be teamed up with someone for life. But I know that the road to that place will be difficult, at least for me, since I am so used to being on my own. But if you're out there, guy that I will someday marry, know that I will fight with all I am to understand what it means to be with you and submit in the Biblical sense of that in marriage. But be patient with me, please. So, I am keen on the "endpoint," the being married, but the road to it terrifies me. Because what if I get in too deep and then one of us ends it? Or if you get in too deep...I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to do the hurting. But I suppose those are all chances one must take in love, or to find love. And with friends...I don't know why it's so hard for me to maintain lasting relationships. I do cherish you all, I promise, but I need to find how to best show that, in a way that you all can feel it. So I'm sorry. I really am.

I am selfish. I hate that. Why does it always have to be my way, or that I just don't care at all? Stupid all or nothing. Here's what I thought of, from a song Dierks Bentley sings called "Bottle to the Bottom." It's about a break up, but I think it could apply to just being alone as well:

You wonder if I'm better off with freedom now to do the things I choose // Well all my time's my own and I've got nothin' left but sleepin' time to lose // There's no one here to carry on If I stay out the whole night long // Or doesn't give a damn if I don't call // I'm livin' like I wanted to and doin' things I wanna do // And nothin' means a thing to me at all.

"Well, all my time's my own," but is that really what I wanted? Is that really what's best for me? It's caused me to fall into the selfishness I've tried so hard to fight off. I don't use it productively because usually I'm too tired from work to do anything, or so I claim (this has been pretty accurate though, but I didn't need to be working as much as I have been). Generally now I'm doing okay, even seemingly happy, but there's this part of me that feels like it's all unfulfilling, all useless what I'm doing on my own. Like there's still something missing.

And I know what that is- it's God. This new independence and actually being able to hold my own and support myself has me thinking that yes, yes I can do it all on my own. And so I think I've pushed away the one being that I desperately need:  God. Now I see why people who graduate can find it so easy to fall away from God, because to [try to] do it on your own is tempting and at least in a life here sense, is kind of feasible. But I wonder if they've all felt the same thing I have, that empty sense despite any accomplishments. I don't want to fall like this, though. I want to be with God, and I want to still find my identity and comfort in Him.

Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain // When I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me...

So powerful. How do I keep ignoring it and trying to depend on myself?

That's pretty much all I have for now. Thanks for reading, friends.

And, future hubby, don't forget to be patient with me.

Peace & Blessings

Immediate Challenges

Remember how great I felt on Tuesday? How happy I was to be in food service and how much I was enjoying my time loving on the customers and my coworkers?

Yeah. I walked into work the next day and it felt completely different. I didn't want to even smile at the customers. I didn't have the energy even to talk to them at a normal hearing level. Today was tough too. I have had the hardest time loving people the last couple days and it has been really emotionally challenging.

The devil attacked the happiness I'd found at my job(s) and tried to shake me. Well, he did shake me a little...but this morning I leaned really heavily on God to hold me together. Nothing was going right, my bagels were burning, I was behind, and I got flustered. I wanted to just give up, sit down, and cry (what am I, three years old?). But we all know times like that. I prayed. I talked to God for about an hour straight as I stood in front of the oven. I begged Him to help me hold myself together, and I asked for the strength to come out of this funk and love people the way He would want me to.

I feel so much better now than I did at 5:45am. He has been faithful. He has taken care of me, given me the strength to push through, and even started to answer my prayer that I could learn what it means to be reliant on Him. He drew me closer when I was at the edge of crumbling.

The devil's plans did not work out- this challenge to my excitement to love people only drew me closer to God. God is good, even when we do not feel good.

Even last night, when I was feeling exhausted and mentally/emotionally done with the day, He sent me a couple nice ladies at work who talked to me about my future and Jesus and it was really refreshing.

Maybe this all seems like a little thing. But for me, this is big. This is me being able to clearly see and feel God with me. I haven't felt that in a while because I've been running from Him, whether on purpose or subconsciously. This means a better understanding for me of what it looks like to lean on Him even when I want to give up or lean on another human.

And I thank You, God, for that. <3

Peace & Blessings

Food service a blessing?

When I started working at Bruegger's (bagel shop & coffee) at the end of August, I was glad to have a job that seemed so small- as in, the owners were very hands-on and the other employees seemed so nice (and all of this is definitely true!); BUT, to be honest, I was upset that I was back in the food service sector. Every time I've worked a food service job, I've told myself, never again. It's the same thing day after day, you come home smelling like whatever food you're preparing, and it always feels so under appreciated and temporary.

But perhaps something is different this time. Maybe it is me that is different, or at least my perspective on things. Or maybe the jobs I have are simply better. Probably a combination. Let me explain why it feels different, and what I am learning about myself through my work.

First of all, it is no coincidence that I got a job at Bruegger's. In August, I applied to 13 different jobs, 11 of them in the hospital (assistant positions for students/no need for much experience). I figured that since I had worked at the OSU hospitals before, I had a good chance at being hired again. Working in there can be more stimulating (sometimes), and like I'd said, I was trying to avoid food service. But I also applied to two Bruegger's locations, knowing they were hiring. I did not receive a single response back, save for the UA Bruegger's- in fact, the very morning after I applied. A text and an email from the owners. A week and a half later I was hired on, and there was something about it all that just felt right. And they were going to work with my school/church schedule, and give me my requested number of hours. Not to mention that the owners were excited about my faith and where I thought it might take me in the future. To me, it seemed too good to be true.

I have thoroughly enjoyed working with the people I do there. We talk about everything, from God to funny dreams to guy problems to phone plans to future aspirations. They encourage me and make me laugh, empathize with me when I'm tired, and have my back when I make mistakes. I have been blessed by each one of them.

And the customers. I seriously have never experienced such wonderful customers at a food service job. I joke with them, make sure they are happy, and try to get to know them and let them get to know me if they are regulars. At other jobs, my "Enjoy!" or "Have a good one!" haven't always been sincere and neither have my smiles at some points, but here I find myself actually wanting to smile and wish the customers a good day. Questions jump out of my mouth that would perhaps make for a better breakfast/lunch for them but would mean more effort or time on my end. It always warms my heart when they say thank you and really look like they mean it because they know I was trying my best to give them a good experience. (Oh my goodness I could be a poster child for food service employees haha...but these are my serious thoughts. If this is my life now, these long hour days working two food service jobs, I might as well put my all into it and try to find joy in it!)

All this leads me to what working at Bruegger's (and now my other job) has taught or shown me:  how much I love and desire to make people happy. Not in the people-pleasing kind of way that comes with a bad connotation (like no backbone or that it means putting what people think of you in front of what God does/wants or whatever people say about it). Now, I knew before that this was one of my greatest desires for my life, but now I've been able to see it; it's become more tangible and obvious, to me at least. I hope that people know that this love for people and caring for them in whatever way I can flows out of God's love for me. I know people can't just know that outright...but perhaps the people closer to me can. Plus, it's the little things that make people's days.

I don't really know what this means for the rest of my life. But I do know that it will cause me to embarrass myself if only to see someone else laugh (this happens very often haha), become a "playground" for kids and run around until I nearly fall over with exhaustion (man, I miss my kids in Choluteca...I would carry them around literally all day if I could just go back right now), share personal struggles or my past with people to let them know they are not alone, actually listen to people and not always interject my own stuff, drive all over the place for people, whatever it takes.

I want to be God's hands and feet. And I want to learn how to best show that. 

I want to never expect or hope for anything in return, knowing that I might never receive any praise or thanks for any of it, but learn to have a willing heart regardless.

I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, coworker, citizen, volunteer, employee, church member, small group leader.

I want to make time for people and forget about making money so much.

I want to learn to be content with less, so I can appreciate what I do have more. And to be able to give  of my own stuff and time with a truly willing heart.

I want to be less prideful and not judge myself/others on what job I/they work to support myself/themselves.

So what has the "dreaded" food service sector brought me? Joy, a better understanding of myself, and also a better understanding of who I want to be. I am really thankful for what I have (even as I sit here, exhausted from the last couple days of work).

God, help me to continue to find joy in both of my jobs, no matter if I am tired or frustrated or strung out. Help me to serve You by serving Your people with all that I have. Create in me a pure heart that can focus on You above all, and not on me as I've done lately. Knock down my pride and reliance on the things of this world more and more every day, no matter how painful it might be (I know You'll be faithful to answer that, and that scares me but help me to trust You in it all). Help me to love You and not just Your guidance/blessings. Amen.

Please know that these are my desires. Guys, I am far from perfect and I screw up every minute of every day; I fail to love God, I fail to love His children, I fail to put God and others before myself. I hope you all never get a "holier than thou" feeling from my blog, because that is opposite the way I hope to write it. I am just a broken human like the 7 billion on this earth. But I am hopeful; there is redemption, there is healing, there is love that we can find and that can fill us to overflow. That love- that is what can change the world, change your life. It's changing mine every day.

Love, Peace & Blessings

Adulthood: What IS that?

Since graduating and getting into working full weeks, I've been stuck in this mindset of being hyper concerned with being an "adult" in everything I do, whatever that means. Like, today I worked on my budget and got my own cell phone plan. And I'm sitting here and my insides are screaming out, does this mean I'm an adult now? I feel weird. Things are expensive.

But I've discovered that we all don't really know what we're doing, I don't think anyone has it all together or feels completely grown up. I'm still going to want things that I don't need, and I'm still going to pout about it probably. I'm not going to want to make hard decisions. I'm going to want to go on vacation and not be able to because I'd now have to request off two jobs. I still want my mom to come take care of me when I get sick. And I'm still going to call my dad when I have a million questions about bills or how to fix something or if I really need to go to the doctor or not.

Today at work my coworkers were talking about being on their own and how they wished like heck that they could be back in high school with their parents still providing everything. I don't feel like that. I like the "freedom" I have now. I hated not being able to drive. Everything was so different then. But everything was pretty much dependent on my parents and now it's on me. Which yes is weird and daunting but I have this feeling like maybe now my life can move somewhere. I guess I've always wanted independence and look, I've finally got it. But it's not all I thought it would be. I always wanted to be dependent on only me and now I don't want to be alone like that. I want to lean on someone else as they lean back on me. Maybe that's what adulthood, or just maturity, means? To realize that maybe you can do it on your own (just talking people here, not Jesus right now- we definitely need Him), but that you don't want to. That that's not why we're here.

Maybe this is just hard because I've never had to finance my own bills before, other than paying for gas and food when I eat out and trips that I've been on.

But I think it's so hard because I'm trying to fit myself inside this box of what I think adulthood is, and I don't even have a definition; I also don't know if I want to fit inside said box anyways. It would be easier if I had chosen a career that matched my undergrad degree, yes. Then I might have some 9-5 job that gave me weekends off and security in the sense of finances and benefits. But that is not what I've felt God calling me to, and that is not what I desire. And I've always been okay with that, but recently the weight of that decision, at least in the short-term, is hitting me. But, as they say, patience is a virtue.

Anyways, here's what I've come to:  adulthood is some weird box that people have tried to define and fit people into so that society is calm and put together. But most of us don't fit in the box, or don't really understand what the box means. I am revolting against the box!! (But don't worry mom and dad, I'm still working and paying my bills.)

Further note:  I don't know how to revolt against the box because I still don't know what the box is. Or whether I'm in it or outside of it.

Another further note:  I'm done with all this time I've spent worrying about if I'm adult or not. It's dumb. I'm just going to be who I am and survive on my food service hourly pay. But I can still be silly and not figured out and I can still be confused about the world and what it all means.

I love Jesus, and I love service work. And I love making people happy (usually comes through laughter at the eccentric things I say or do. Or all the dad jokes. Sorry in advance for those). And I love my friends and family and am striving to make them higher priorities in my life.

That's my jumbled mess of trying to explain how I'm feeling right now.

Peace & Blessings

The Battle

There has been an intense battle inside me today. I have felt incredibly lonely, and in that I looked to God, but even as I did so my mind wandered…I questioned my worth, and a lot more.

These two songs came up back to back right in the middle of the pain today. Paints a pretty accurate picture of my two sides in this battle.

Matthew Mayfield, "Element"
I'm screamin' my lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing you were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize a million times
But I'm human and I'm selfish
Got the feeling I should deal with this
But I'm hiding, and no one knows,
They don't…
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?

Tenth Avenue North, "By Your Side"
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I'm (God) not enough?
To where will you go, child
Tell me where will you run, where will you run?
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you,
My hands are holding you…
Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, I love you, I'll never let you go, no…

I've been lonely. Isolated. Wanting to be with people and talk deeply but instead being alone because talking would be too draining or I just don't want to, thanks to my stubbornness. I've felt the ache of singleness that I haven't felt so strongly in a long time. I've tried to explain what I've felt today and I don't know how much sense it has made. All I know is that in the depths of loneliness I've been in today, the reasons for my harmless desires changed and they became what they should not be. (Wanting to be married/have a family turned to wanting these things because then some people would really truly need me, and I would be "fulfilled." That's just plain wrong.) But that has helped me to see just a little more clearly now that I'm out of the pit.

Thanks to my God and a couple spectacular friends- I am doing much better tonight. I only hope I could be even half the friend that you two have been to me.

Much love,
Peace & Blessings

A Flood

WARNING, this has not been proofread, it is just a stream of my thoughts so I apologize for a lack of flow/coherence.

It's been a while.

Maybe it's because too much has been going on in my mind and in my heart, or maybe that I've been ignoring it (and writing a blog post means I have to start sorting things out…well, sort things out as I write). Maybe it's because I've been putting up a mask for a while now.

Sometimes it's easier to live that way. To give the right answers, to appear excited and eager so that there's no questioning of whether you're "in" or not, to be vulnerable and share the stuff that you've already numbed yourself to.

I haven't wanted to engage. Why? Because everything around me is changing, and I feel like I'm not. I feel stuck, like I'm just flitting around and that I'll never amount to anything, at least not the anything that the world wants/expects/respects. And all my life I've convinced myself that I didn't care about that, that I didn't care what other people think (at least not much), and for a long time I've even felt the need to distance myself from a lot of the "norms."

But guess what? I'm going to be really honest here.

I DO care what people think.

I am very self-conscious and 90% of the time I think I'm ugly. I worry I'm going bald because my hair is falling out at an alarming rate, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, I'm about to graduate from college and I'm still dealing with acne. I think there was a point that I was happy in my own skin, but now it's so different. Sometimes I think about eating very little for a week to lose some weight. Sometimes I want to work out too much to get all that fat off. Good thing that a) I love food too much to do that (also a problem because I run to food when I'm upset/stressed/bored/lonely), and b) I don't have enough time in my schedule to over-exercise. I have body image issues and I'm finally saying it.

I care what people think of my intelligence level. People wonder why I dropped the nursing program? I have to assure them that I excelled, but decided that I really did want to be a doctor- a surgeon- instead. People ask why I'm no longer on the pre-med track. I have to assure them that I could do it, but I just can't be in school that much longer, that I would go crazy. And now, when all my friends in professional schools are studying their butts off and I'm just reading for some GECs, I feel like I'm failing, like I'm failing at using my brain or at being a studious student or that I'm not worth as much now. I'm proud that I want to work with Habitat for Humanity/Americorps for a year because I know that I will love love love it. And I'm excited about seminary in a couple years. But until then, I feel so in-between and not useful. I'm terrified to be graduated (yet excited for the mental break- somewhat) because what if I lose all that I've learned…I regret the years of cramming. I regret not taking my classes more seriously. I've done well, to be sure…but I don't know. There's just a strange feeling about it. So, in review, I put much of my identity in my grades, my intelligence, and what people think of my plans for the future. Way too much of my identity rests on my transcript and on other people's opinions of me.

I feel like if I'm not in a leadership role in some capacity, that I'm doing something wrong. It's a pride thing. But it's also exhausting. And I get tired. And when I get this way, I have to cover with forged excitement (and to be fair, it's definitely not all forged. I am excited about team and Bama. It's some other stuff I guess). I think I forgot what it means to be a servant leader. Servant implies a lack of that selfish pride. Leader means not that you have it together, but that you're actively seeking to continue on the right track. I've been selfish. And inactive with seeking. But that is going to change.

Not only this stuff, but there's been a lot of insecurities that have come up in another area. I've realized in the last couple weeks that God is calling me out of relationships for about the next year- i.e. as long as I'm still under this apartment lease. And that is hard. Because right when I realize this, and I come to terms with this (grieve it), I realize that right now in my life that is one of the things I most desire. And to have that paired with the knowledge that right now is just not right, is killing me. I think about it every day. I think I'm at a point where I'm not mad at God about it and I'm not questioning as much anymore, but it's still hard to know that it's all a no-go. Especially because I am- and I hate admitting this- a romantic, and think that my "knight in shining armor"is just going to fly out of the blue someday and that will be it, that everything will be alright and that everything will make sense. So with this realization, that means no "sweeping off the feet" for a year. It's going to be hard to kill all those thoughts that have been there for years. But God has changed my thought life before, so I reckon He can change it again. To add to it, everybody and their mother is getting engaged and it's just digging it in more and more. (Not y'all's fault. I love that you're getting hitched! This is my personal problem.)

INTERRUPTING THOUGHT:  I'm going to take this week to think before I speak, and make sure that I'm not about to talk myself up/show off with my words. I'm going to try to listen better and learn more about other people- take the focus off me, and put it on them. I am going to remember and try to believe every day that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and that God really made me just the way I'm supposed to be. I'm going to stop obsessing over my appearance and just take care of myself. I'm going to start realizing when I run to food to comfort me and pray/read/do something constructive instead. I'm going to focus more on school and learning from it rather than just doing an assignment just to get it done. I'm going to think about God pursuing my heart instead of a man doing the same. Which means finding my worth in Him, not in guys' approval. I'm going to take more time to be with my loving Savior. I am going to let it sink in that God is the one that can use me, can mold me, and can redeem all the mess I've made. I am going to meditate on the fact that he reached down and pulled me out of the mire- and continues to do so every time I fall again. I am going to be vulnerable about the hard stuff, the stuff that I'm not numbed to- the fresh stuff. I am going to take off my mask and stop trying to impress people every single second of my life.
And how am I going to do all this? Well to be honest, I cannot do it. Not alone. But through God…I can. WE can. HE can.

It's a daily thing. Really, it's all going to be stuff I'll need to be reminded of every minute, every waking second of my day.

It's time for me to change, too. Because change comes with action, not just sitting around waiting for something to happen.

A side-note:  I just read a friend/pastor in the area's blog and one post really hit me- about the paralyzed man on the mat that was dropped through the ceiling so that Jesus could heal him. Basically, we have things that try to define us, that we are wrapped up in, things we feel like we can't escape because we've been with them so long…just like that man's mat. But Jesus doesn't want to just rid us of our mat. He wants to redeem it. He tells the man to "take up your mat and walk." The mat is no longer defining him, but it's also still with him. Not just rid, redeem. It just hit me again how much God loves us and wants to be with us and save us from what we are wrestling with- even though we are broken, awful people. He loves us unconditionally, passionately, unfailingly, jealously, just because we are His creation…and wow, isn't that beautiful. He is in the mess with us, working in our hearts to redeem all the bad stuff. Because after all our brokenness…and IN our brokenness…He still wants to USE us. I'm in awe. (You should read the actual blog post, much better worded than my paraphrasing).

Peace & Blessings

Post-Honduras Reflections

My first thought is that I've forgotten how to type on a normal keyboard. All summer I was typing on a tiny one that is for my tablet. (Comic relief before the deeper stuff?)

Honestly, I don't know where to start, exactly. So much happened, I learned so much that I will never forget. I made so many friends there, and fell in love with so many kids (I wanted to take all of them home with me, or just not leave so that I could stay with them forever).

First, I'll talk about what I learned/what God was teaching me throughout the summer. There was so much, but I'll try not to make it 2000 pages…

1) I need to ask for help and I simply cannot do it all on my own. If we open up to God, He really is faithful to answer. There was one night (like I believe I've talked about before) where I knew I needed to get it all out, I needed to talk to God about all that I'd been feeling and experiencing, all that I'd been struggling with, all that I was realizing…and as I laid there by the pool, I asked for help with pretty much everything. The biggest things were a) pride and a whirlwind of prideful thoughts that I could not rid my brain of, b) not being excited about sharing the gospel and wanting to change that, c) wanting to fall in love with God again, but feeling that my heart was hard and heck, I just didn't know how to make that happen, and d) feeling fully fulfilled in Him.

And WOW did God answer! The prideful thoughts I'd been absolutely fed up with subsided, nearly completely. There was finally somewhat of a peace in my brain…now, I do still struggle with pride and the awful thought life that comes with it. But, I know that God can change that!

I sure wasn't excited about sharing the gospel when we first arrived, and for the first couple weeks…I think it's because I'd forgotten the power of the gospel, and the work that God can do in and on people's hearts and minds. But God started answering that prayer before I even asked for help that one night. In the first week, I had a conversation with a friend that went something like me saying, wow, I really can't believe how many kids here grow up without a father figure because of all the bad stuff going on/how men are viewed/how women are viewed. It's incredibly sad, and I think the worst part is that it's such a big problem and there is literally NOTHING we can do to solve it or remedy it. Then, sitting in the car, it started to hit me. In hopelessness came a flicker of understanding. There IS something we can do. We can share the gospel and the love of Christ has the power to turn peoples' thoughts around. This reminds me of something I read in a book my friend's small group is reading:  "A sense of powerlessness accompanies every serious experience in our lives. This sense of powerlessness generates solitude. True solitude does not come from being physically alone but from the discovery that a fundamental problem of ours cannot find its solution in us or in others."* I felt like there was nothing I could do, yes. Which led me to realize that I didn't think anyone could do anything to fix it. Led to hopelessness…led to God. Because He is the answer to all our problems. And this whole summer, I kept seeing that more and more. Second week I was feeling kind of hopeless about fixing up the playground, because apparently men from other neighborhoods would come mess it up and play on it and that's part of why it got so destroyed. I asked one of the guys we worked with, Oscar, how we could stop that. He answered with conviction:  "The Gospel." Boom. 

I had listened to quite a few worship songs about being so deeply in love with God, and just wasn't feeling that way at all. Hearing about his love and majesty and other wonderful qualities weren't affecting me, it seemed, at all. But I longed for it, yearned to be in love with the Creator of the universe. So, I asked for help. He answered with thankfulness. I think he opened up my eyes to all the little (and big) things that he does in, around, and for us every single day. I cried a few times this summer, and I think at least half of those instances were happy tears, tears of thankfulness towards God and the way he loves us and cares for us. The day before we left, I sat out on the porch with Randi and tears streamed down my face as we prayed together and I thanked God for all of it, for the experience, for what he's taught me, for the people's hearts that we met, for the way the kids loved us, for providing the funds to get me there in the first place…I'm tearing up right now thinking about it. The two weeks right after we got back were filled with me pouring over scripture, praying, and talking about how great God is and was this summer. He gave me a new love for him, a beautiful love that I could not conjure up on my own. And he did it through showing me the blessings all around me. Wow.

 For a long time, I've had a sense of loneliness, of not feeling whole, of wanting someone to be there for me, to be completely known. Knowledge reminded me that all these things could be found in God, but my heart and feelings told me that, hey, that's just not the way I felt. God really changed that around. He answered prayers when I didn't ask or even know what to ask. He spoke to me when I was at my most needy points. He opened my eyes to blessings. He changed my heart to be more full of love, and He challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be. For the first time, I felt completely known and it's such a wonderful feeling! He showed me that He is faithful and is true in His words.

2) He taught me the value of community and relationships, and how much I desire them as well. I believe I've mentioned this before as well, but I'll say it again because it has really changed me! I've been on mission trips for single weeks, and many of these. In these, my mind is always focused on the physical task at hand and rarely on anything else, other than getting to know the other people that came with me on the trip. I always assumed that house repair/etc was what the people we were serving really needed…and never thought about building a relationship with them. I never stopped to consider that maybe the people needed that more than a new roof/etc. But wow, people crave relationships. And as time went on this summer, I saw that I craved relationships with these people too! In these relationships there are chances, on both ends, to learn and grow, to be challenged with hard questions or to find answers, and the opportunity to hear someone's story or to share the gospel. Because when you're only fixing houses/doing other physical labor, there's something missing. And I came into the summer hoping to do some sort of construction project and be working with my hands the whole time (maybe because I, a lot of the time, am terrified of relationships- silly, I know)…but was not provided with that opportunity, and I could not be more thankful. Being put out of my comfort zone was necessary and God taught me so much through it!

3) God showed me a community at Iglesia Gran Comisión like none other. A love of God and people brought these people together, and they really love God in such a radical way. So many of them were so excited and so convicted that God really is the only thing their lives are centered around. And man, do they have a heart for their city and for spreading the gospel! I have never seen a group of people so passionate about the gospel in my life. I was amazed the whole time I was there, and it was the most beautiful community I've ever seen and experienced. I hope that our church here (h2o) can look like that. Spreading the passion!

4) KIDS. I love those kids. I have never wanted to have kids nor liked them really in my entire life. I now think they are GREAT, crazy but great. God so did this in me, because like I said, I've never been a kid person before this summer. And those kids taught me about love to, in the pure and genuine way that they loved us gringos. I sure do miss them hanging onto me every day, their wonderful smiles and laughs. It nearly killed me to cry right alongside them the last day…I found the most joy this summer, I think, in times with those kids when I was basically a playground, or I was exhausting myself in some way by running after them/carrying them around. Gosh dang, I miss them.

And I'm figuring you'd all like to hear about the projects we did there too! So here's some of the things we did (with help especially from one guy in the community, the guy that can literally make or fix anything, Jesús Lorenzo):
- built a bench/table combo around 2 trees, one in the neighborhood next to the playground (idea:  to make a comfortable space for the moms while they're watching their kids play, and to have a place where people from the community can get together for bible studies, worship, meals, or prayer), and one in the orphanage (idea:  the boys and girls could eat together and do homework outside). People really loved them!
- built a new outdoor stove area for the tías in the orphanage (idea:  when the power goes out- which happens way too frequently- they can't cook indoors so this would really help them)
- made safety and other improvements on the playground (idea:  so that the kids wouldn't get hurt on the broken slide or the holes in the wood or the rusty nails sticking out everywhere…and so that it would last longer!)
- had a "Growth in Community" day/"Día de Crecimiento en Comunidad" where we planted shade trees all around the park and green area and also collected trash from the houses (idea:  it's incredibly hot there, and there's nearly no trees- so, give people some shade eventually; and the dump is a bit away so it's nice to help people get stuff over there and have a clean house)
- built a table for a woman (Alma) in the community (idea:  Alma- who is absolutely wonderful- is right now financially supported by the church, but wants to be able to support herself, or at least supplement, so she wants to make tortillas but didn't have a flat area to do that on…so we built her a table that she can work at!)
- built a bed for one of the families in the community- Eugenio & Francisca and their five kids, Eugenio is one of the security/maintenance men in the community (idea:  there were five kids and two adults sleeping on two twin beds…so we built them a bigger one to add to their space, and got them a cochoneta= little mattress)
- repaired the clotheslines in the orphanage (idea:  there's twelve kids, plus the tías and their kids, so they go through a lot of laundry and need lots of line- one of the poles was about to fall, so the guys wanted to make it sturdy)
- helped fix up the roads- working with the men of the community (idea:  remind the men that it is their responsibility to keep the roads in good shape, and help improve driving there, so some of the guys rounded up men in the community and worked together!)
- did some painting (idea:  give the boys and the boys' tía a little splash of color in their grayscale rooms; we helped out with a short term mission team)
- improved drainage around the outdoor sink/washing facility (idea:  there was a lot of trash buried around the sink, and sewage- when it got backed up- would sit there, so we dug out all the nasty dirt and replaced it with rocks and gravel that would improve the drainage of the water)
- helped repair a sewage system for one of the houses (idea:  it was backing up and leaving some of the area that the kids played in filled up with sewage water…found out it was a drain block from a FORK and a TOOTHBRUSH…what…
- had guitar lessons for the ladies! Which ended up being just one woman (Aleyda, she is absolutely fantastic and the best ever) and a couple of the boys in the community (David, 11, and Ian, 6). We had so much fun, and Aleyda was really dedicated to practice and LOVED it (and was really quite good by the end!) (idea:  Aledya wanted to be able to worship at the women's bible study, but none of them knew instruments…and learning guitar had always been a dream of hers; and we wanted to interact with women of the community)
- attempted to do work out classes for the women, but it ended up that no one was coming; so, a couple times we did it with some of the kids and I tell you, those little exercise classes brought me so much joy!!! (idea:  provide some structure for exercise for the women because they had asked for it)
- did a bible study of some sort nearly every day for the kids in the orphanage (idea:  really instill in them who God is and the good news of His son Jesus's life, death, and resurrection; and worship with them!)

…and I'm sure there's more, but right now I'm exhausted from all this typing and all the FEELS from memories!!!

Overall thoughts from summer:  I have been so blessed to be in Choluteca, Honduras this summer with a wonderful team of 18 others (love you guys and miss you!!!), and to be able to become a part of Iglesia Gran Comisión in Cholu and their fantastic community. I was blessed by all the love the kids showed me and the other people in the community. I was blessed by coming back with friendships from Cholu, friendships that I will continue through Facebook and through returning *hopefully* next year! I feel like I learned so much more from the people of Cholu, and received more from them, than I could have ever given. It was easily the most amazing experience of my life and God has changed my heart through it. Vilma, Sindy, Heidi, Enma, Nayelis, Gabriela, Emelin, Dariela, George, Brian, Jonathon, Eli, Elias, Cristofer, Alan…I miss you guys so much that it hurts. I miss everything about being around you all every day. Nena and Karen, I miss you ladies and your wonderful hearts. Jesús Lorenzo, Erica, Alma, Candida, Isis, Nissi, Luz, David, Ian, Oscar, Mano, Aleyda, Florencio, all the ladies that worked at the Casa Misionera, I love you all and miss you all, and am so thankful for every single one of you. Pastor Geovany and your family, much love.

One thing…I'm excited to live out my life for Christ here, but oh man I cannot wait to get back to Cholu. Cannot wait.

Thank you again to all my family, friends, and supporters for making this experience possible. God has used you in big ways!

Sorry this was so long…more pictures to follow at some point!

Peace & Blessings