Since graduating and getting into working full weeks, I've been stuck in this mindset of being hyper concerned with being an "adult" in everything I do, whatever that means. Like, today I worked on my budget and got my own cell phone plan. And I'm sitting here and my insides are screaming out, does this mean I'm an adult now? I feel weird. Things are expensive.
But I've discovered that we all don't really know what we're doing, I don't think anyone has it all together or feels completely grown up. I'm still going to want things that I don't need, and I'm still going to pout about it probably. I'm not going to want to make hard decisions. I'm going to want to go on vacation and not be able to because I'd now have to request off two jobs. I still want my mom to come take care of me when I get sick. And I'm still going to call my dad when I have a million questions about bills or how to fix something or if I really need to go to the doctor or not.
Today at work my coworkers were talking about being on their own and how they wished like heck that they could be back in high school with their parents still providing everything. I don't feel like that. I like the "freedom" I have now. I hated not being able to drive. Everything was so different then. But everything was pretty much dependent on my parents and now it's on me. Which yes is weird and daunting but I have this feeling like maybe now my life can move somewhere. I guess I've always wanted independence and look, I've finally got it. But it's not all I thought it would be. I always wanted to be dependent on only me and now I don't want to be alone like that. I want to lean on someone else as they lean back on me. Maybe that's what adulthood, or just maturity, means? To realize that maybe you can do it on your own (just talking people here, not Jesus right now- we definitely need Him), but that you don't want to. That that's not why we're here.
Maybe this is just hard because I've never had to finance my own bills before, other than paying for gas and food when I eat out and trips that I've been on.
But I think it's so hard because I'm trying to fit myself inside this box of what I think adulthood is, and I don't even have a definition; I also don't know if I want to fit inside said box anyways. It would be easier if I had chosen a career that matched my undergrad degree, yes. Then I might have some 9-5 job that gave me weekends off and security in the sense of finances and benefits. But that is not what I've felt God calling me to, and that is not what I desire. And I've always been okay with that, but recently the weight of that decision, at least in the short-term, is hitting me. But, as they say, patience is a virtue.
Anyways, here's what I've come to: adulthood is some weird box that people have tried to define and fit people into so that society is calm and put together. But most of us don't fit in the box, or don't really understand what the box means. I am revolting against the box!! (But don't worry mom and dad, I'm still working and paying my bills.)
Further note: I don't know how to revolt against the box because I still don't know what the box is. Or whether I'm in it or outside of it.
Another further note: I'm done with all this time I've spent worrying about if I'm adult or not. It's dumb. I'm just going to be who I am and survive on my food service hourly pay. But I can still be silly and not figured out and I can still be confused about the world and what it all means.
I love Jesus, and I love service work. And I love making people happy (usually comes through laughter at the eccentric things I say or do. Or all the dad jokes. Sorry in advance for those). And I love my friends and family and am striving to make them higher priorities in my life.
That's my jumbled mess of trying to explain how I'm feeling right now.
Peace & Blessings
First of all, I love your dad jokes! Your dad's jokes are the best! Secondly, I think that you hit "what being an adult means" head on. Nobody knows what they want out of life truly, your are very lucky that you have somewhat of a plan in place. As you have stated previously we just have to have faith in knowing there is a plan for all of us. The best advice I could give you is to love and learn from friends, co-workers, family, etc, because in the end they are who help you to learn more about yourself and the world. As for bills, yeah those are NOT fun, but you are very fortunate that you have learned through incrediable parents, how to take care of yourself and budget. Many aren't as fortunate and many simply do not care. I feel that is a very important quality seeing as how you have a spirirt like my little sister with the need to see the world! Budgeting and saving will help you get there. So, embrace your new big life change, there are many more to come! And know that I would be more then blessed if my daughter grew up to be half the woman that her big cousins are. (except for the whole Ohio State thing) :) take care, and good blog! -love tammy
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