On [maybe] leaving Columbus.
Half of me is excited to leave, to try life in a new place, to see what that is like. The other half is terrified to leave, seeing as this has been my home, the place where many of the people I love are, for the last going on 5 years. There are certain people, things, and comforts that I do not want to leave. It's the little things, too, like being able to bike along the Olentangy Trail in the fall and spring, to go sit on the roof of Pomerane Hall and gaze over Mirror Lake at night, casual trips to Buckeye Donuts, every morning with my h2o friends at Neil Ave Baptist Church or Hitchcock Hall, huddled under blankets watching New Girl with friends, trips to Global Gallery and Goodwill...and so much more. Dear friends that I'm scared to leave because my track record has proven me generally awful at keeping up with people when I'm far from them (and I absolutely hate that about myself).
But that other half...the side that is excited to run away and start fresh, doing something I know I will actually enjoy.
And for so long I wanted to be here, independent and supporting myself financially, and then today I find myself longing for the comforts of home and my parents. As I was sitting in church this morning, I remembered how nice it was to come home from church in high school and stand in the kitchen right as I walked in, the lights off save for the natural light pouring in from the windows and doors, waiting for my mom to have lunch ready so that we could all eat together at the same table I've sat at since I was little. For some reason that is one of the most relaxing feelings I can recall. Then golf would be on afterwards and I would curl up and fall asleep to the announcers on TV...
After all these weeks of working doubles, the long days that seem to never end, maybe it's getting to me. Maybe that's why I am homesick today, or longing for the ease that was not really having to worry about anything at all, except to make sure I got an A in AP Calculus. I don't know. But I wanted to get all that out.
Another thing is something I was thinking of yesterday as I drove home from my first job. Since I've been so busy these last few months, my schedule not really jiving with anyone else's, I've spent a lot of time doing things on my own. Heck, I even went to the movies by myself in January. A couple nights ago I went alone to Nyoh's (my favorite country line dancing bar). And at first I didn't like it, wished I could have more plans with people, wished I didn't have to be so alone all the time. But as time has gone on, I've seen that it's a lot easier, at least in logistical terms, to do most stuff alone. Going to the store. Working out. Watching Netflix. Really anything. So now I enjoy my alone time and have a harder time when I plan things with people because I cannot be so independent with such things (can't leave just when I want to leave, can't go exactly the speed I want to, etc.). Caveat: I love hanging out with friends and doing things with them (I love you guys, I promise!), it's just become less natural for me now and that makes it harder, I guess. So now bike rides to Antrim Lake where I just go and eat an apple and people and nature watch for a while, all by myself, are very refreshing rather than what some people would see as depressing.
But here's the thing- all this just goes to show how scared I still am of commitment (even on little things such as plans to do something together), or being vulnerable in other words; how selfish I can be (because spending time with people means it won't always go my way- not that I consciously think of it that way, but still the thoughts are there); and how much I've strayed from God in this new world I've found called "independence."
It's not like I want to live this whole life alone- quite the opposite. My biggest fear is being alone, like completely alone in the sense of I've got no one left to run to, not in the sense of being physically alone. I very much want to be married someday and be teamed up with someone for life. But I know that the road to that place will be difficult, at least for me, since I am so used to being on my own. But if you're out there, guy that I will someday marry, know that I will fight with all I am to understand what it means to be with you and submit in the Biblical sense of that in marriage. But be patient with me, please. So, I am keen on the "endpoint," the being married, but the road to it terrifies me. Because what if I get in too deep and then one of us ends it? Or if you get in too deep...I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to do the hurting. But I suppose those are all chances one must take in love, or to find love. And with friends...I don't know why it's so hard for me to maintain lasting relationships. I do cherish you all, I promise, but I need to find how to best show that, in a way that you all can feel it. So I'm sorry. I really am.
I am selfish. I hate that. Why does it always have to be my way, or that I just don't care at all? Stupid all or nothing. Here's what I thought of, from a song Dierks Bentley sings called "Bottle to the Bottom." It's about a break up, but I think it could apply to just being alone as well:
You wonder if I'm better off with freedom now to do the things I choose // Well all my time's my own and I've got nothin' left but sleepin' time to lose // There's no one here to carry on If I stay out the whole night long // Or doesn't give a damn if I don't call // I'm livin' like I wanted to and doin' things I wanna do // And nothin' means a thing to me at all."Well, all my time's my own," but is that really what I wanted? Is that really what's best for me? It's caused me to fall into the selfishness I've tried so hard to fight off. I don't use it productively because usually I'm too tired from work to do anything, or so I claim (this has been pretty accurate though, but I didn't need to be working as much as I have been). Generally now I'm doing okay, even seemingly happy, but there's this part of me that feels like it's all unfulfilling, all useless what I'm doing on my own. Like there's still something missing.
And I know what that is- it's God. This new independence and actually being able to hold my own and support myself has me thinking that yes, yes I can do it all on my own. And so I think I've pushed away the one being that I desperately need: God. Now I see why people who graduate can find it so easy to fall away from God, because to [try to] do it on your own is tempting and at least in a life here sense, is kind of feasible. But I wonder if they've all felt the same thing I have, that empty sense despite any accomplishments. I don't want to fall like this, though. I want to be with God, and I want to still find my identity and comfort in Him.
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain // When I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me...So powerful. How do I keep ignoring it and trying to depend on myself?
That's pretty much all I have for now. Thanks for reading, friends.
And, future hubby, don't forget to be patient with me.
Peace & Blessings
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