SOON.

Honduras is right around the corner now…in just over a week, I'll be there.

It's hitting me more and more every day.

And my excitement is increasing as well! I mean, here's what I'm thinking now:  Why be nervous? It's happening in one week whether I'm ready for it or not. Might as well embrace it!

In related news, I pretty much packed my bags today. If GCM called me up and said oops, your plane ticket is actually for tomorrow! I'd tell them, fantastic! Let's go. I'M READY, PEOPLE!

In the back of my mind rings a tune that Christ UMC sent me off with, the hymn "Here I Am, Lord." I feel it now. Here I am, God, use me for whatever is best! I'm all Yours.

Let's DO THIS THING!

Peace & Blessings

I've been so wrong

...guys.

I've been fooling myself for years, and I'm just now realizing it.

So here's what my thought process has been this whole time:

Okay. So if I were not in Christ, there would be a lot of things that maybe the world is okay with, that I wouldn't be ashamed of. It's just...different standards, I guess. So that would mean that there would be less guilt, shame, perhaps feelings of iniquity too. But when I came to Christ, or when any person does, they are faced with their past, their baggage of mistakes and sins before (and always after too) following Christ- because now, we are a part of a new "standard." And when we're faced with that...it looks ugly. It looks bad and we don't want to think that we made all those mistakes. So, when we are in Christ, we do experience these feelings of shame, guilt, and iniquity more than before. Of course, we're forgiven of it though...

FALSE. (Except for the forgiven part.) Why in the world have I been stuck on the past like this- the feelings of guilt? I've been wrestling with this recently. A lot of guilt, and I feel like it's holding me back from God (on my end, I'm sure not His). And I was thinking, man, why am I stuck here? Why can't I stop feeling guilty? I mean, I'm forgiven, right? But why is it still haunting me...?

Here's what I've been told a million times that I am now realizing never sank in.

1.  Guilt doesn't come from God. Maybe a feeling of, whoa, what I've been doing is wrong, I should change this, AKA repentance, is from Him. But not just guilt that gets us down and out. Not to mention makes us feel super unworthy and what do we do when we feel unworthy? We run away from whomever might have power over us; a lot of times with guilt, it is God we run from. And man is that what the devil wants!

2. When we come to Christ, our thoughts don't just stop at, wow look at all the awful things I've done, this is, no I am, terrible! It is followed by, but look, Jesus died on the cross to wash all these sins away, to give me a clean and pure slate. I'm FREE!

Free. Free.

I've been stuck in this prison of guilt and shame when I have been given FREEDOM. What am I still doing behind bars when the doors have been opened wide??

Answer:  I'm keeping myself there. I think I feel maybe like I need to be punished...like justice still needs served. How do I forget that it was served, served on the cross?

"It is finished." How could I forget what that meant?

Now what brought all of this to mind? You guessed it, a song. Josh Garrel's "Freedom." (So good, the lyrics are amazing, check the song here.) Here's what got me:

For 19 years I was trapped in a prison, feeding my escape by derision; but every man-made attempt just failed when trapped in a jail of my own guilt, shame, and iniquity; I was looking for freedom; how'd I find freedom? Oh freedom, freedom from all this...He said I'm the Christ- so I believed.

 I'm free.

He can free you, too.

Peace & Blessings

Never Stop Learning

I want to share with you all what I've been learning/discovering/being reminded of over the last few days! Astounding. I've been blown away.

First, a few verses/passages that have hit me and encouraged me:

The LORD replied, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14

I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave;
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in our presence with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  Psalm 16:8-11

"Be strong and courageous...the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deuteronomy 31:7-8

And as a good friend reminded me:  "You're going to do great. God knows what you need and what you are ready for. He will be faithful." [What a fantastic truth! I needed that first part too- a little positivity can really change one's perspective.]

Alright! Let's start at the beginning of this burst of learning I've been experiencing.

Friday night. Couldn't sleep, was talking to a good friend (two, actually) about the future and trusting God. I'll preface the rest with this:  pretty much all my spiritual issues and doubts come back down to not fully trusting God. Mostly this comes up when I think about my future (I've spoken to this in previous posts). What is my solution? If I'm honest...it's to completely ignore the future and focus on the here and now. I guess my subconscious thought was, well, if I don't think about the future, then I don't have to worry about trusting God with it, or my lack of trust, do I? Heh, perfect, that's what I'll do! Problem solved. EEHHHH. Problem not solved, actually. Problem just ignored. But had I realized this before? Nope. Not until my friend said on Friday night that he also has a hard time with trusting God, but he looks to the future and that helps him turn to God for support and trust. I was struck by that. WOW! I mean, I knew I had a weak point in the trust sector, but I guess ignoring the future made me think that working on developing that trust wasn't important at the moment. So...maybe I do need to be praying for increased trust in Him. It's a step in the right direction!

Saturday. Impromptu extended quiet time with God (ended up being 3 hours) with another good friend at a coffee shop. Brought my bible, journal, and a different book, thinking that I'd have some time with God and then when I ran out of stuff I wanted to write/pray/read in the bible, I'd move on to the book. Friends, I did not make it to the book!
It actually started off rough. I felt disconnected, like I was beating down on myself with my words, almost as though I was trying to make myself sound crazier/worse off than I actually am. I got frustrated and crossed it all out, my friend giving me a weird look for that one, ha.
Then I finally thought to myself, what are you doing? This isn't you...just talk to God, be honest, and actually give it a try. I don't care if you're not sure what to say. Just do it! So, I did.
First thing that came up was about my self-image, mentally/emotionally at least. I'm really hard on myself, and frankly, in the last year I've really hated parts of my personality, or just little parts of who I am. I get frustrated with things, like my "all or nothing" mentality, or my confusion on emotions, or the fact that I have a hard time keeping up with people (part of which allows me to adjust to new places easily- maybe too easily). Well, I've asked God to "fix" me- which means, take away these things that are so normal to me. Make me more like the average person. I can't tell you all how many times I've begged God to "let me be normal." But what I started realizing on Saturday:  God made me the way I am. And every time I question that (other than the parts of me that really have been broken down by the sinful flesh), I am questioning if God really knew what He was doing when He made me this way. Ahem, excuuuuse me, who am I to ask God that? Not only this, but this theme kept popping up too (second thing):

** Our expectations, or what we think we need, are hardly ever what God knows we actually need. **

God must be using these things in my life for a reason; maybe these "frustrating" parts of my personality are actually here to teach me something, or to have me grow in some way. Who [but God] knows. So, I asked for God to heal me, in whatever way He sees fit. Perhaps that is just giving me peace about these things, perhaps it's something radically different. But I know I want to trust that He will do (and is doing) what is best for me! I do long to trust Him.

Now, God was making this "shattered expectations" thing abundantly clear. For some reason, I decided I should start in on the book of Acts. And wow, have I already learned SO MUCH from the first 5 chapters!

I'll just talk through a couple things that showed me how God  >  our expectations:

First off, when Jesus is back speaking with the disciples before he ascends, they ask him a question:  is this when you're going to restore the kingdom of israel? AKA are we finally going to go to war, win, and get rid of all those Romans?
They had been told their whole lives that this is what the Messiah would do- restore Israel. But God had in mind a bigger restoration than did the near-sighted disciples. God was talking about a Heaven on earth, while they just wanted the Romans gone. I think God's plan sounds much better, don't you? It's a lot about perspective.

Second, and this is what I've been musing over a lot the past couple days. I'm actually just going to type out the passage below so y'all can read it too:

Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" So the man gave them his attention. Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. Acts 3:2-7 (NIV)

That day, I'm sure the crippled man's spirits were not higher than any other day; he was probably just hoping for enough money to make it by, like he always did. And from the passage, it didn't even seem he was very connected with his surroundings, as seen by him not even looking at Peter and John as he asked for change. So, he wasn't expecting much- and wasn't asking much.
But when Peter walks by, he doesn't just toss him a coin and look away. He looks right at him, and asks the man to do the same. Once he has his attention, he makes it clear that he is not going to be giving the man what he asked for- and I'm sure the man's spirits dropped for a second. Then, all the man's expectations are blown out of the water when Peter offers him the gift of healing. Not only does he offer it, but he helps the man realize this healing by helping him to his feet.

OH. MY. GOODNESS. There is so much in this little story. Here's how I see it, in God and I's (or just with God and people in general's) relationship. Most of the time, we are just asking for "little" things. Things that will get us through or the things that we really believe we need, but maybe not the big things. Maybe we even think it's absurd to ask for the big things, like this man was. Then, we're kind of numbed to it all, like the man. All the while, God is there, just asking for us to LOOK at him and actually SEE him for who he is...a God that is so much bigger than the little things we ask for, so much greater than our doubts. He wants to give us what we really need, even the things we thought were impossible- if we would only pay attention! I think that he really does want us to see the bigger picture- see what he has planned on the large scale so we too understand what we truly need. Then, the crazy awesome stuff happens when we look back at him and actually listen. But it doesn't stop then- he still doesn't just leave us alone, he gives us a hand to take hold of the blessing or calling and shows us the way- helping us believe and act.
Can I just take a minute? Mind.....BLOWN.

(I also want to say one thing about my statements above. This by no means is me saying that God only acts when we pay attention- he is always doing crazy awesome stuff! I'm just saying that being a part of it is pretty dang cool. Also- how important taking the time to just focus on him and listen to him, instead of blabbering on like I usually do.)

The third thing I took from Acts relates to something I've posted about before- how I've felt like I am very similar to the apostle Peter. Now in the past, Peter has been quick to act without thinking first (like when Jesus is being arrested in the garden, it is Peter who draws his sword and cuts a soldier's ear off, just to be reprimanded by Jesus), has had a desire to not just hear things, but know for himself (when the women tell the disciples that Jesus's tomb is empty, it is Peter who runs to the tomb to see), and it is even Peter who wants to truly believe and do for himself (he asks to walk to Jesus on the water).

But the Peter in Acts...he seems to be all grown up and matured. He has become a true leader. On a few occasions in the beginning of Acts, he stands up and addresses the Christians and non-Christians, either directing them to the next step, or defending what he believes in. His words are based on The Word, and he constantly points the people around him to the truth in Christ. He even has the faith to heal a crippled man! So what did all this show me?
There is hope for me yet. Peter in the Gospels seemed a bit all over the place- asking questions, wondering if he can do the same things as Christ through God's power and his faith, and acting rashly- even if it's in love and defense. But look at him now- leading men, being bold in his faith, and focusing on scripture. God has transformed him! So, it reminds me that God can do this in me as well. Hope!

What I also learned from his example is that strong leaders depend on scripture. Everything he said was based on The Word and/or what Jesus had said. He was familiar with it and understood it. First off, DUH I should be focusing on the Bible, and second, what a great reminder to study His word!

Okay, here's the last thing I'm going to share. A lot of us (including me, especially recently) believe that we have to be super qualified to share Christ with others:  we should be going to more bible studies, should be reading a whole book of the bible every day, studying Hebrew and Ancient Greek, going on prayer walks every day....you get the point. We think we must be perfect in order to be an effective evangelist. FALSE. Look at Peter and John in Acts 4:1-22 after they healed the crippled beggar!

When [the Sadducees] saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and took note that they had been with Jesus. But since they could see the man who had been healed standing there with them, there was nothing they could say. Acts 4:13-14

First, Peter and John were courageous and stood up for what they had done, and that they had done it in the name of Christ! (You should read what Peter says right before this passage!) Second, they were filled with the Holy Spirit when they were speaking and when they healed the man- this is what allowed these "ordinary men" to do extraordinary things! God can use anyone- He is able! Third, even though it may have just been an association in this case, it was obvious that they knew Jesus- would people around us be able to see that in us?? Last, the teachers of the law that were attacking Peter and John were silenced by the proof standing in front of them. A lot of times I feel like there just isn't any hard proof for God and his character- but then I look back on my life and the Christian's around me's lives, and I see proof everywhere. He is so active, and sometimes I forget this proof!

Okay. This is all I will say for now (though I'm sure there is more that I learned that I haven't even realized yet). Phew! I'm excited to keep reading through the book of Acts.

Have a great Monday, all. (I feel as though I should apologize for the length of this post...)
Peace & Blessings

Expecting Perfection

First off:  this is something one should never* do.

On this earth, it's not even a thing. Don't get me wrong, we can come close on some things- but there's never a full degree of perfection. (I know, I sound like Debbie Downer here, but we have to be honest with ourselves and accept things the way they really are! I have a point, I promise.)

Every time we expect perfection out of a person, a relationship, or even an object, we're holding that thing/person to a standard that is rather inconceivable to uphold. Nearly every time, we will find ourselves let down in one way or another, and the other person might feel as though they truly have let you down, even if it was ridiculous to expect it in the first place.

But the real question is, why do we feel we need to find something or someone that is perfect?

Answer:  DAILY DOUBLE!

1.  We crave a complete and utter feeling of security. We want to feel safe, taken care of, and out of harm's way. There's no surprises in a secure place. We want to believe that someone or something can completely provide us with this secure feeling! So we decide when we find a "significant other," or a new car, a new security system, or a weatherman we finally think we can trust, that we've found it, that we're done searching and now we can just relax because we're going to be safe, be cared for, and never duped again.

But, let's face it friends. Your alleged "soulmate" is going to be late for dinner or hurt your feelings or say the absolute wrong thing at the wrong time. You might still get into an accident in your new car or have something break and have to take it to the shop. You're going to come home late one night, tired, and your security system is going to think you're a burglar. Your beloved weatherman is going to predict sunshine all day and you'll get caught in a downpour unprepared. STUFF HAPPENS, FOLKS. If you're expecting perfection, how are you going to respond? Not well. Angrily. But if your whole idea of security isn't found just in that thing/person (and you realize that, hey, everyone makes mistakes and guess what you do too), you'll be able to smile and move past it. Sure, you might still be hurt. But it won't be the end-all!

2.  We desire total fulfillment. We want to know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, we are whole and we are loved and we have something/someone to live for. And for most of us, it's easiest to build our lives around one thing or person- any more and it gets complicated. So we do- we think that best friend, that dream job/career, that significant other, that new house/car will make us feel like we are whole, like we are accomplished, like we are on the right path of life.

Friends:  no matter how much love your friend or significant other showed you that day, now matter how perfectly your presentation went at work and how much your boss praised you, no matter how amazing you felt when you got those keys to your new whatever, at the end of the day you are going to be left wanting just a little bit more. You're going to feel like maybe there's something wrong with you, because why don't you feel perfect after that amazing day? There's something missing; you were expecting perfection, expecting total fulfillment, from something on this earth that was never meant to provide it. And so, if you don't end up thinking there's something wrong with you, you'll think there's something wrong with them for not making you feel perfect; either way, it causes problems. But if we aren't expecting perfection, then we are much more likely to be overjoyed with and thankful for what we have, for that day, instead of wondering why there wasn't more.

I hope this makes sense to all you other "all or nothing" people out there, too. We simply cannot expect every friendship, every relationship to be perfect right from the start. There's a lot of learning that goes on at the beginning:  who is this other person? what parts of our personalities mesh, what clash? There's a period of getting to know the other person; a period of settling in to a comfortable rhythm, instead of expecting everything to be exactly how you want it from the get-go. Things just don't work like that. There are steps in every relationship, but not like steps we're used to climbing. There's a lot that happens between those steps; it doesn't just go one to the next.

For me, that middle ground is the scary part. The steps- those seem to be clearly defined and make sense. The space in between is much less clear and takes work; maybe I'm afraid I'm not good enough and I just won't make it through the trying periods, the times where the other person really sees me for the crazy person I believe I am. Dang, maybe that's why I isolate myself from the people I most care about. Because it's hard and I'm afraid of failing, failing them.

From all this above, I have two points (man, are you guys lucky! Two! ;).

First, we are looking for perfection, meaning security and fulfillment, in the wrong places. This causes strain where there doesn't have to be! The only true security and fulfillment that we can find is not on this earth- it is God. He is the only one who never makes mistakes, who is unswervingly loving and faithful, who promises to be with us "to the very end of the age" (Matthew 28:20), who is preparing for us a place in heaven with Him. Who knew us at the beginning of time, who formed us in the womb exactly how He wanted us to be. Finding this joy and wholeness in Him is absolutely wonderful- but is also a challenge because of what we are used to. We are used to immediate, tangible gratification, and sometimes it is hard for us to see this in God. But friends, it is beyond worth it. Not only that, but He will help you find Him. And, not only will He help you find Him, but He is pursuing us. Why? Because He loves us, and we are His creation. Not because of anything we've done.
Second, that relationships, all relationships, take work and PATIENCE. We work to learn how to best love and support that other person, whether it be a friend, a significant other, a parent, a sibling, or God. We figure out what pleases them, and then we put it into practice. We spend quality time with them, time to listen and also time to be open with them about how we are doing. Patience is necessary because that's not going to come all at once for us or for them. It's a continuous learning process that will bring joy and pain- but I believe that it is all worth it in one way or another. It might be scary in those gray areas, that middle ground, or when you're frustrated because you don't know how to listen well or there is a problem on their end- BUT, that middle ground is where the tightest bonds and the best of memories are made. So bring on your "terrors," ground in between steps. I'm ready for you.

In the end, love triumphs.
And I don't mean the usual "love" we see in the movies.
I mean true, unwavering, cuts-to-the-soul love.
I really like what the band Beautiful Eulogy says about it, "maybe you're not finding [love] cause you're not defining it right." (See the lyric video here- the song is fantastic.)

*So in conclusion:  we can expect perfection, but only from the sole perfect being, God himself. Yay!

Ask yourself this:  are you expecting perfection from your relationships, job, or possessions? Why?

Peace & Blessings

Peace and Patience

Two things I typically don't have a lot of (or, for peace, something I rarely allow myself to feel...).

I've been thinking, and with hope comes peace, right? With faith too. If you have hope and faith in something or someone, you aren't constantly worried about it or scared it will fail on you.

So why am I always worried about one thing or another? What does this say about my faith and my hope...?

I don't really know how to grow my faith, or be sure that I really have a hope in something with all of me. But I suppose that that's where God comes in- He can do the things I can't do.

My lack of peace:  do I really believe that no matter what happens, that God is still good and still cares for me deeply and wants to pursue and love me? Do I truly believe He can sustain me no matter the circumstances?

My lack of patience:  do I really trust that His plans are greater than mine- and do I really think He's going to make it happen? Or do I want to hurry it up so I can make sure that everything's okay, so that just in case it's not, I can salvage something and fix my life back up?

Wow. I really do doubt.
But to know that so much good can come out of tragedy, if that's what ever becomes a part of my life:

when chance lit the forest on fire, and leveled all we'd
come to love and admire, up through the black floor
green stems grew up higher, and from that day we knew
that flowers would bloom
- Forest Fire, Covenhoven

Because music hits me in such deep ways, I believe that God really does bring songs into my life that help me to learn, grow, and be comforted. He's done it so many times before that I can never believe that it "just happens."

Anyways, this summer I'm really going to work on patience. I'm always in a hurry to make everything happen just the way I want it to be, but DUH that's not the way life goes. Patience in relationships, patience in knowing exactly what next spring will look like, patience in finding jobs for this autumn and spring, patience for all the exact details that I freak out about.

I was going to say, well, I've got my whole life ahead of me to live and figure myself out...but we are not guaranteed one more breath. I sure am thankful for each one that comes. So, all I can do is live each day like it's my last, in loving everyone to the fullest extent. That's going to require a lot of change in my life. I really do put my needs and wants in front of other people's. I care about my grades sometimes more than my relationships. And if there's anything I regret, it's not cultivating friendships more. It's isolating myself because I'm scared, shutting people out because it's hard to open up when there's so much of a mess inside. I try not to regret anything in my life, but this is one of two things I do regret, I think.

Peace and patience, my friends. The road to two fruits of the spirit. Here we go!

Peace & Blessings, y'all.