Nightmares under street lights,
I see them
Coming, coming for me
As I breathe in
Eyes closed, my heart stopped
As they whisper
Lies and disguises
Are their platform
Don't come, don't come any closer
I scream out
Don't come, don't come any closer
Danger for honest men
I see now
How they can terrorize
A bleeding heart
Don't come, don't come any closer
I scream out
Don't come, don't come any closer
_______________________________________
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Excitement
I'm sitting here, tearing up, wanting to jump up and down with pure excitement. Where is this coming from? I'm reading through the orientation packet for Honduras LT and I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT.
This is all that I've been working for- all the support raising I've done (through God's hands and the giving hearts of my supporters)- it's all for this.
I'M GOING TO HONDURAS. (Okay, not yet, but it's happening. IT'S REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.)
Paid or not, I'm going. I've raised more than enough to go as a participant. I'm at least GOING. I used to be all worried about getting paid but in all reality, it's going to be okay even if I'm not. God has eased my fears about that.
Does that mean that I doubt that God can make it happen? Definitely not. I am still hoping for some miracles to bring me from my current 68% to a FULL 100%. But there is some of me that wants to say, well if I just raise this much, I can still go, or I can still get paid just not as much...etc. If.
I have written on a post-it note on my wall that GOD is bigger than my "ifs." What a good reminder. I need that. Why should I reduce my goal because I'm scared, because I doubt ME?
Alright. I just had to get all that excitement out. Phew. Plus, I have been getting this feeling welling up inside me, growing stronger and stronger. I feel that I really truly am going to love it there, and it's going to feel like home. I know I adjust pretty easily to places, but I've never had this overwhelming feeling before that it will be home. Home.
I even ordered a passport card today and at the back of my mind was that, you know, I could be out of the country a lot in the next ten years and maybe this would really come in handy. Maybe my heart knows more of my future than I do, who knows?
Peace & Blessings
This is all that I've been working for- all the support raising I've done (through God's hands and the giving hearts of my supporters)- it's all for this.
I'M GOING TO HONDURAS. (Okay, not yet, but it's happening. IT'S REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.)
Paid or not, I'm going. I've raised more than enough to go as a participant. I'm at least GOING. I used to be all worried about getting paid but in all reality, it's going to be okay even if I'm not. God has eased my fears about that.
Does that mean that I doubt that God can make it happen? Definitely not. I am still hoping for some miracles to bring me from my current 68% to a FULL 100%. But there is some of me that wants to say, well if I just raise this much, I can still go, or I can still get paid just not as much...etc. If.
I have written on a post-it note on my wall that GOD is bigger than my "ifs." What a good reminder. I need that. Why should I reduce my goal because I'm scared, because I doubt ME?
Alright. I just had to get all that excitement out. Phew. Plus, I have been getting this feeling welling up inside me, growing stronger and stronger. I feel that I really truly am going to love it there, and it's going to feel like home. I know I adjust pretty easily to places, but I've never had this overwhelming feeling before that it will be home. Home.
I even ordered a passport card today and at the back of my mind was that, you know, I could be out of the country a lot in the next ten years and maybe this would really come in handy. Maybe my heart knows more of my future than I do, who knows?
Peace & Blessings
Saturday, April 19, 2014
"Hang Him high, watch Him die..."
It sure has been some kind of week...
In all the madness, God was there taking care of me. Maybe I broke down a million times and yelled at Him rather than asked Him for help...but He never left. He sent me blessings in the form of people, of being served, of good food, of finally seeing friends I hadn't seen in way too long, and showing me that no matter how much I thought I was just not going to make it, I did make it.
But now I'm home, and though home makes everything seem a ton easier, I do feel a lot better. He's calmed my spirit.
This is really fitting since it is Easter weekend- I've been addicted to listening to this one song, called "Good Friday" by Josh Garrels. The words hit me. Really good to meditate on:
Broken wing, forgotten dream, shattered thing
That a man's hands can't ever truly mend
Shadow land, desert sand, a man searches
For a love that'll never die
Truth be known, you're not alone
Your aching bones will find a home
In place where God he sets us free
Wake me up before you go
I will listen for the sound of your voice
Hear the wind in the trees
It goes where it please
Like the breath in me
And all who have breath can sing
When we layed your body down
In earth and in the ground
Oh child, rest your soul.
Will a hope be made good
When a word is understood
In the day, will we see you again?
Gather round, hear the sound
Of a story that's so old that it's been told
Before time
He was born in the flesh and the blood
In a world that was dark as hell, and dead in sin
Born of the spirit, and the virgin child
He's the son of God, son of man
I didn't recognize that look in his eyes
When they cried
With a sorrow that no man has ever known
Hang him high, watch him die, hear the cry
Crucified up on that God forsaken tree
And all who have breath can sing
When we layed your body down
In the earth and in the ground
Oh Lord, rest your bones
Will a hope be made good
If your words are understood
In the day, will we see you again
Oh Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?
Oh my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Oh Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?
Oh my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
The ones that hit me the most were I didn't recognize that look in his eyes, when they cried, with a sorrow that no man has ever known...
We count ourselves, here on earth, as people that suffer more than God could ever know. But he does...and he knows it even more than we do. He has lost more sons and daughters, beloved ones, than we could ever imagine. He has had people hate Him, ignore Him, and actively try to draw people away from Him. He has seen people suffering from the wretchedness in their own hearts and only wishes them return to Him. He has seen more than we could bear, yet we doubt that He understands any of it.
But He does. He saw enough to want to intervene and save us. Leading us to Easter. He came, lived, suffered, and died, just to be with us. So that we could be with Him. It's beautiful.
So, Happy Easter tomorrow- and remember, He understands.
Peace & Blessings
In all the madness, God was there taking care of me. Maybe I broke down a million times and yelled at Him rather than asked Him for help...but He never left. He sent me blessings in the form of people, of being served, of good food, of finally seeing friends I hadn't seen in way too long, and showing me that no matter how much I thought I was just not going to make it, I did make it.
But now I'm home, and though home makes everything seem a ton easier, I do feel a lot better. He's calmed my spirit.
This is really fitting since it is Easter weekend- I've been addicted to listening to this one song, called "Good Friday" by Josh Garrels. The words hit me. Really good to meditate on:
Broken wing, forgotten dream, shattered thing
That a man's hands can't ever truly mend
Shadow land, desert sand, a man searches
For a love that'll never die
Truth be known, you're not alone
Your aching bones will find a home
In place where God he sets us free
Wake me up before you go
I will listen for the sound of your voice
Hear the wind in the trees
It goes where it please
Like the breath in me
And all who have breath can sing
When we layed your body down
In earth and in the ground
Oh child, rest your soul.
Will a hope be made good
When a word is understood
In the day, will we see you again?
Gather round, hear the sound
Of a story that's so old that it's been told
Before time
He was born in the flesh and the blood
In a world that was dark as hell, and dead in sin
Born of the spirit, and the virgin child
He's the son of God, son of man
I didn't recognize that look in his eyes
When they cried
With a sorrow that no man has ever known
Hang him high, watch him die, hear the cry
Crucified up on that God forsaken tree
And all who have breath can sing
When we layed your body down
In the earth and in the ground
Oh Lord, rest your bones
Will a hope be made good
If your words are understood
In the day, will we see you again
Oh Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?
Oh my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Oh Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?
Oh my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
The ones that hit me the most were I didn't recognize that look in his eyes, when they cried, with a sorrow that no man has ever known...
We count ourselves, here on earth, as people that suffer more than God could ever know. But he does...and he knows it even more than we do. He has lost more sons and daughters, beloved ones, than we could ever imagine. He has had people hate Him, ignore Him, and actively try to draw people away from Him. He has seen people suffering from the wretchedness in their own hearts and only wishes them return to Him. He has seen more than we could bear, yet we doubt that He understands any of it.
But He does. He saw enough to want to intervene and save us. Leading us to Easter. He came, lived, suffered, and died, just to be with us. So that we could be with Him. It's beautiful.
So, Happy Easter tomorrow- and remember, He understands.
Peace & Blessings
Monday, April 14, 2014
Not Lucky...
...rather, blessed.
In the midst of all this craziness and stress and sickness, I am reminded that everything is still okay.
People I've never met before wanted to help me and my family out and brought some urgent mail to me all the way in Columbus yesterday.
My friends- no, I think I'll call them family- of OC Lane showed me yet again a beautiful picture of being a team who cares about each other and loves each other, and wants to support one another in whatever battle or triumph he/she is facing.
Friends came and visited me in the library last night and stayed up crazy late with me for that stupid paper. And then even tried to help me catch a cat on the way home (at 3:30am...).
Friends listened to me vent, my parents as well, and for that I am SO thankful.
A good friend even told me that I am strong. That meant a lot, especially now.
Getting to have deep conversations with people has been awesome too.
And God? God is good [all the time!]. He has done so much in my life this year, and so incredibly much in others. Even if I'm struggling, I know that He is here and He is good. After all, Love never fails.
So to everyone who is a part of my life (and a HUGE shout out to those I have leaned on this week especially!), thank you. From the deepest part of my heart.
Love you guys.
(Ironic, because this morning I felt love for pretty much nothing. It was a tough morning of me biking in the rain and cursing at pretty much every inanimate object that seemed to be slowing me down. The song that was in my head? "I Hate Everyone" by Say Anything. Funny how just clearing up your head can change so much.)
Peace & Blessings
In the midst of all this craziness and stress and sickness, I am reminded that everything is still okay.
People I've never met before wanted to help me and my family out and brought some urgent mail to me all the way in Columbus yesterday.
My friends- no, I think I'll call them family- of OC Lane showed me yet again a beautiful picture of being a team who cares about each other and loves each other, and wants to support one another in whatever battle or triumph he/she is facing.
Friends came and visited me in the library last night and stayed up crazy late with me for that stupid paper. And then even tried to help me catch a cat on the way home (at 3:30am...).
Friends listened to me vent, my parents as well, and for that I am SO thankful.
A good friend even told me that I am strong. That meant a lot, especially now.
Getting to have deep conversations with people has been awesome too.
And God? God is good [all the time!]. He has done so much in my life this year, and so incredibly much in others. Even if I'm struggling, I know that He is here and He is good. After all, Love never fails.
So to everyone who is a part of my life (and a HUGE shout out to those I have leaned on this week especially!), thank you. From the deepest part of my heart.
Love you guys.
(Ironic, because this morning I felt love for pretty much nothing. It was a tough morning of me biking in the rain and cursing at pretty much every inanimate object that seemed to be slowing me down. The song that was in my head? "I Hate Everyone" by Say Anything. Funny how just clearing up your head can change so much.)
Peace & Blessings
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Reversion
Guys...
I'm having a tough day. No, scratch that. A tough entire semester. All I want is to cry and sleep and watch TV and have my mom and dad take care of me. I WANT TO BE A CHILD AGAIN.
They said we'd wish it back. Well here I am, not even graduated college yet, and I already want my elementary-age life back.
I wish for the days where I could be sick and out of school for two days and not have to worry about work piling up. Not having to push through because even though I'm sick and need to rest and sleep, I have a paper due in a day and a half that I, at this point, have made zero actual progress on. I want my mom to cook me soup and bring me a blanket and tell me how sorry she is that I'm feeling awful.
And so this is me right now, crying in a library because I should be working on some stupid paper that I really don't give a rat's butt about. Make that TWO papers. Okay, I'll be honest, there's actually 3 papers. And a quiz. And a final...all this week.
Not to mention that now, after sending in my passport renewal forms an ENTIRE MONTH AGO, the government has just told me that no, I can't do that, I have to do it another way. SORRY THAT YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS AND NEVER TOLD ME THAT. And now maybe I won't have a passport by the time I am leaving on a freaking plane for Honduras. I literally don't have time for this. Or the mental capacity to think about one more dang thing.
It's really hard for me to not give up on everything in my life right now, so if you're reading this, could you take a moment to pray for me? I can't tell you how much I would appreciate that. Or bring me tissues or come give me a hug (but that's a long shot).
Now, to get back to my paper(s). Thanks for letting me vent, internet. You're great.
Peace & Blessings
I'm having a tough day. No, scratch that. A tough entire semester. All I want is to cry and sleep and watch TV and have my mom and dad take care of me. I WANT TO BE A CHILD AGAIN.
They said we'd wish it back. Well here I am, not even graduated college yet, and I already want my elementary-age life back.
I wish for the days where I could be sick and out of school for two days and not have to worry about work piling up. Not having to push through because even though I'm sick and need to rest and sleep, I have a paper due in a day and a half that I, at this point, have made zero actual progress on. I want my mom to cook me soup and bring me a blanket and tell me how sorry she is that I'm feeling awful.
And so this is me right now, crying in a library because I should be working on some stupid paper that I really don't give a rat's butt about. Make that TWO papers. Okay, I'll be honest, there's actually 3 papers. And a quiz. And a final...all this week.
Not to mention that now, after sending in my passport renewal forms an ENTIRE MONTH AGO, the government has just told me that no, I can't do that, I have to do it another way. SORRY THAT YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS AND NEVER TOLD ME THAT. And now maybe I won't have a passport by the time I am leaving on a freaking plane for Honduras. I literally don't have time for this. Or the mental capacity to think about one more dang thing.
It's really hard for me to not give up on everything in my life right now, so if you're reading this, could you take a moment to pray for me? I can't tell you how much I would appreciate that. Or bring me tissues or come give me a hug (but that's a long shot).
Now, to get back to my paper(s). Thanks for letting me vent, internet. You're great.
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, April 6, 2014
It's been...ONE week
One week later and here I am. Confused, lonely, and pushing myself away from God. Sins. Selfishness. I'm doing it to myself and I hate it.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Romans 7:15,16-19
I know I'll always have my sinful nature in me- that's just part of being human.
...but knowing that it will never leave, not until I die...it's a smothering feeling. Because no matter what I do, no matter what God does in me, it will always be there in the corner of my mind and heart, smiling that smug smile and acting as the devil on my shoulder, only in disguise as your "everyday human desires."
That scares me the most.
For me...it's everything or nothing. Cold-turkey or glutton. All the way high or all the way low. The same old "I have no middle ground" complaint I've had for years now.
I gave up alcohol. Made it 5 months and I felt great. The mistake was thinking, maybe I'll try it again because maybe now I can control myself. Maybe it won't be so much of a desire to drink away my pain, drink more than I know is good for me. The temptation. Well, turns out I still don't like it, it still doesn't make me feel good, still leaves me empty, and still I have little control.
So of course, I want nothing to do with it anymore. It seems that for me personally, the only option is to stop completely. But that messes with my life. It's really not a big deal but I make it that.
And there's other sins that I try so hard, of my own accord, to stop. And I just can't. I need God for that. But every time I screw up my "sinful nature's" friend, GUILT, is there to shame me and tell me that I'm a failure so why not just keep on failing? Since I've already "lost" the battle. That I can't run to God because He will only look at me in disgust and be ashamed of me.
But that's not the way God, the Merciful One, the Loving One, works. The Forgiving One.
But I tell myself that every time I mess up. Which, being human, is more often than not.
So God...Lord...help me crush this sinful desire and this guilt so that I can more fully run to you. That I can do the good I want to do. Through You.
Peace & Blessings
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Romans 7:15,16-19
I know I'll always have my sinful nature in me- that's just part of being human.
...but knowing that it will never leave, not until I die...it's a smothering feeling. Because no matter what I do, no matter what God does in me, it will always be there in the corner of my mind and heart, smiling that smug smile and acting as the devil on my shoulder, only in disguise as your "everyday human desires."
That scares me the most.
For me...it's everything or nothing. Cold-turkey or glutton. All the way high or all the way low. The same old "I have no middle ground" complaint I've had for years now.
I gave up alcohol. Made it 5 months and I felt great. The mistake was thinking, maybe I'll try it again because maybe now I can control myself. Maybe it won't be so much of a desire to drink away my pain, drink more than I know is good for me. The temptation. Well, turns out I still don't like it, it still doesn't make me feel good, still leaves me empty, and still I have little control.
So of course, I want nothing to do with it anymore. It seems that for me personally, the only option is to stop completely. But that messes with my life. It's really not a big deal but I make it that.
And there's other sins that I try so hard, of my own accord, to stop. And I just can't. I need God for that. But every time I screw up my "sinful nature's" friend, GUILT, is there to shame me and tell me that I'm a failure so why not just keep on failing? Since I've already "lost" the battle. That I can't run to God because He will only look at me in disgust and be ashamed of me.
But that's not the way God, the Merciful One, the Loving One, works. The Forgiving One.
But I tell myself that every time I mess up. Which, being human, is more often than not.
So God...Lord...help me crush this sinful desire and this guilt so that I can more fully run to you. That I can do the good I want to do. Through You.
Peace & Blessings
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