Killing that bitterness

I think I've been mad for a while. Mad at God because I know that He CAN, but I cannot figure out why he WON'T.

Most of the time, I don't understand my feelings. Most of it started after freshman year of high school when I experienced what it really was to hurt and to cause someone else emotional pain. I started shutting everything off to avoid that pain. I didn't care about myself so much, but I definitely was not about to hurt anyone else.

And that's where the questioning started. Am I really feeling this specific emotion, or am I just thinking I'm supposed to feel it? Am I lying to myself?

All questions that normal people don't have to ask themselves. Questions that should be no-brainers, like, yeah, I feel this emotion, or you know what, I just don't feel that way.

So then, of course, I shut emotions off to avoid pain or causing it, or having to ask myself these things at all.

I thought having these questions made me like a baby again. I was frustrated, embarrassed, and frankly quite angry (an emotion I've not had a problem distinguishing...). Why can't I just be normal?! I wondered. And for a couple years now, I've held this bitterness towards God because I honestly just feel like it's hurting me and others and I don't feel like I'm learning anything from it (because I understand that sometimes we go through hard things to learn).

But today it hit home that there is some sort of reason. And all I've got to do is keep pressing on and help will come in due time.

More on this later, because frankly I am overtired.

Peace & Blessings