Tears

I've cried numerous times tonight. Not one hundred percent sure why. Things are just hitting me harder than usual, I suppose. Things are more real.

Moved by a song. By a movie. By a friend's blog post. By God.

Won't you come back? ("I Will, My Dear" by Jared Evers)
If you never come back I just want you to know I'm gonna love you either way. ("Rising Sun" by Prince of Spain)

It's like God is speaking right to me.

And then the blog post...so much faith in our Creator to heal this little girl from a deadly disease. Made me realize that I've given up hoping in a lot of ways. I mean, if you don't hope then you can't be let down when things don't work out. Because you just expected the human outcome, the imperfect promises and hopes. The thing that is so hard for us, for me, to understand is that God is not human. He is not tied down with broken promises and false hopes. He is love, truth, perfection, and most of all, HOPE. He loves us and that's it. He loves us. He doesn't try His best to love us and fail sometimes; He doesn't just want to love us but can't, He really and truly loves us. And He doesn't even have to, He wants to! He delights in us.

What is He trying to get across to me right now?
That it isn't about what I do. It's about Him loving me and sacrificing for me so that we can be together. IT'S ABOUT HIM!!!
And also that you can't be closed off all the time. You have to put yourself out there and love with a chance to be hurt (thank you to Meg from Hercules). It ain't love if it can't break your heart ("It Ain't Love" by Green River Ordinance).

I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
Don't leave!

Anyways, I have a lot to ponder. I feel loved though. I can feel His love. Either way.

Peace & Blessings

Let's think about "tolerance"

Tolerance. Webster's defines it as such:

The allowable deviation from a standard;

But ALSO as:

Sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own.

I feel like in our culture, it has transformed more into the first than the second. Just think, how many times have you heard people say about someone in a class or at work, "I tolerate him/her." People never say this about people they really like or relate to, ever notice that? No one says they tolerate their friends.

Yet "tolerance" is this big thing now for so many things - the LGBT community, different religions, and even just for different ways people live their lives.

What has tolerance become but a way to get by with little conflict? The way we use the word on an everyday basis is "putting up with" rather than "empathizing with." Tolerance, in our culture, has nothing to do with love. It has given us a way out of the struggle to love people we differ from.

Personally, I'd be offended if someone said they tolerated my beliefs, because to me, that means they're just brushing them aside and not giving a rat's ass about it.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. I'd never really considered the meaning of tolerance before.

Peace & Blessings

Introversion?

I've always been sort of an attention hog, from a young age. BUT, only with people I knew. Elementary, middle, and high school was filled with answering questions in class, but only talking to the people I knew and having a hard time talking to boys (yes...I was that girl that was baffled when a guy I found attractive talked to me. "Umm....hehehe").

So when I got to college and actually was able to socialize normally and enjoyed meeting new people for the most part, I sort of just assumed I was becoming an extrovert! And man, was I relieved. 

But this summer....I completely and utterly found out I was wrong. I'm still introverted. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is okay. That, yes, maybe I need time to myself to normalize, to think things over, to "recharge." But what's so bad about that? A lot of people are this way. And, hey, it saves me from wanting to go to parties where I don't really know anyone and drink just because that's what's happening. There's one thing I can be happy about. 

Duna (my roommate) and I talked about it last night and I guess made sense of the fact that we both are a bit of introverts. Or maybe, too, we've just grown tired of all the bull that goes down on campus. Sorry that we don't want to get schwasted every weekend night and stay up doing nonsense til late and consequently wasting the next day with sleeping in and hangovers. SORRY. (not sorry)

Random...:

"Element" by Matthew Mayfield just came on, and this one hit me:

'Cause I'm human, 

and I'm selfish;

got the feeling

I should deal with this,

but I'm hiding

and no one knows...

I've let myself become entangled in "me, myself, and I." It's been a constant my whole life...what do I want? How can I make myself look better? How can I become and remain the center of attention? How can I make my life more comfortable? 

It's something that sickens me to see in other people, but have I been blind to my own self-centeredness? It seems as though I have. For a long time now, I've been thinking that I'm very selfless. I like helping people, I give my time to mission trips, volunteering, etc...but that's all worthless if all I'm doing it for is me and to boost how other people see me (this isn't totally true, but I know that some of this is in me). 

If anything is my downfall, it will be my selfishness & pride. 

I've noticed in church recently that when I'm singing supposed praises to our King, I'm more focused on my voice and how other people might see me worshipping. Should I raise my hands here? Should I be making a more pained facial expression? Maybe I should look like I'm getting really into the song. Am I jealous of the people in rows around me that are doing all these things? Am I perhaps jealous of their relationship with God, how they seem to be able to get so much more from these words and these melodies than I can? Why can't I just do that?

I feel often that God must be frustrated with me and all my feeble attempts to be with Him. Why? Because the focus is always on ME. How this relationship with Him will make ME better, MY life and future will get sorted out, I will feel safe...etc. I know He doesn't feel this way, He just loves me and is patiently waiting for me to ask for help or run to Him (or help in running to Him). But every time I think about this, I despise myself just a little bit more because I feel so proud and stubborn and unclean. Like, what is wrong with me that I can't be with Him...

But I know He wouldn't want me to think of myself that way. I know that. 

God, show me how to leave this selfish, proud child behind and become a faithful woman. Please...it's somewhat exhausting being all about me. And I hate it.

Make me comfortable and joyful in any and every situation I am in. Whether I have nothing or plenty. Whether I am alone or surrounded with friends and family. Whether I am in a relationship or it is only You. Help me not just be "okay," but really live. Live for you, for others, for love. Help me to see and love the world the way that you see and love them. Take care of me when I can't see the finish line. Help me live with compassion for others. Help me live out Your Word. Help me 

Psalm 46:10

Last night, I was challenged with a verse.

Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God."

There is so much in those few words.

Be still.
It's calming. It means that you're not focused on other things that might keep you busy. You're not anxious, thinking about what's next, fiddling your fingers.
It's a command. It speaks power, while not being a harsh demand. And commands come from authority. He is in control.
It shows that the speaker has much knowledge, as though He knows that there is nothing else truly more important at the time than what He has to say.

Know that I am God.
It seems kind of redundant at first. Like, okay, we know this already. You are God. But then the more you mull it over and realize the gravity and the full implications of the statement, you start to understand how incredible this "redundant" fact is. He is God. Omnipotent, omniscient, good, loving, just, faithful, Creator, holy, Alpha and Omega, and I could go on for so long....
It is implied that this is all we need to know:  He is God. If this is all, then what does this mean to us? It should fully satisfy us, fulfill us, be the very Bread of Life and Living Water. He is telling us that He is all we need. Something that in our culture is absurd.
It is starkly humbling. There is nothing in here about us. It doesn't say, know that I am God and, oh yeah, you are great too! It is 100% on God. It doesn't matter who we are, because He is God. Our identity is found through Him, so to know who we are all we must know is who He is. Through this we understand we are God's children, but without His sacrifice, unable to know Him or be with Him because we have fallen short. It's not about what we can accomplish, or how much we have already. It is about Him. This is so hard to get through our puny little minds (I know it is especially difficult for me to fully understand since my biggest struggle is with pride...).

I love this verse, and I hope that God will show me new truths through it every time I read it.

Thanks to the friend that shared it. :) It was wonderful to start being able to quiet my mind (with God's help) and try to just focus on Him and Him only.

Peace & Blessings

Ahhh!

Just reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.

Made me finally come to a realization. Not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with how simply it's written and how that finally let my brain and heart function correctly.

I think the reason I've been so hesitant to dropping my cares and worries and my selfish plans for my life and finally, finally just following God, being all-in, was because of the aftermath. Not that it would be tough, or that I might not like it. That it would be hard, hard as in I would have to do all of it. Me. I would have to put in all the work to make sure I stayed all-in, that I actually changed the world, and that I was a great, giving, and loving person.

But, HELLOOOO!! God is not just going to abandon me once I give myself to Him and His plans. That's pretty much the opposite! I'm not sure why I've been thinking of it that way for so long. But I'm glad He's finally revealed my wrong thinking to me.

Let's see what else God and this book can do!! :)

Peace & Blessings