It's now been OVER A YEAR since I got married. Clearly marriage, among other things, has taken over my life since I see that I haven't posted anything since 2015...
I can't even begin to explain all that I've learned in this past year. I have loved being married, and I've also been deep in pits of despair (some- okay, most- pits I dug myself). When I promised "for better or for worse" I think I now understand what that means- maybe not in the life circumstances sort of way just yet, but more in a better character versus worse character sense. I take him as my husband when I am at my best - when I am kind and loving and respectful - and when I am at my worst - when I am spiteful and selfish and angry. I take him as my husband when HE is at his best - loving and honoring and caring - and when HE is at his worst - self-depricating and hard-headed and ticked off.
Let me tell you- that can be SO difficult.
But every time that we've come around and come back to each other in apologies and forgiveness and love, we've grown stronger. We've learned something new about the other- about our other half. We see how much we've hurt the other person and that is certainly enough to change one's tune.
What it comes down to for us is that my husband needs me to show him that he's my number 1 person. That no one else comes before him. Yes, for you young'uns, that he is my BAE (for everyone else, "Before Anything Else"). That means he gets my time over others, my heart and my thoughts first, a big part in every decision, my defense in any situation (unless he's acting crazy), and my support for his decisions.
Notice I said number 1 person- but what he may need most is for God to be my true and ultimate number 1.
This is where I've been getting mixed up. Ladies and gents, it is SO EASY to focus on what is visible and tangible right in front of you instead of what you cannot necessarily see or touch. My husband has become my whole life and sometimes it is hard to remember that someone else is the true owner of my heart- my God, my Creator, my Redeemer!
My husband may be my other half, but he is not who fulfills me, he is not who breathed life into me, he did not love me before I came to be, and he does not hold my eternity in his hands. But God is; God did; God did; and God does!
Let me repeat:
My husband cannot fulfill me. GOD CAN AND DOES!
My husband did not design me and breathe life into me. GOD DID!
My husband did not love me from the time the universe began. GOD DID!
My husband cannot love me perfectly. GOD CAN AND DOES!
My husband does not hold my entire life and eternity in his hands. GOD DOES!
My husband cannot offer me salvation. GOD DID!
My husband does not define me. BEING A DAUGHTER OF GOD DOES!
When God is my number 1, I don't have to seek perfection (perfect love, complete forgiveness, full provision, soul and life fulfillment, etc) in my husband, who guess what...is HUMAN! Which means he is incapable of being perfect all the time. (Sorry, sweetie.)
So, Jenna, what you're telling me is that if I rely on God for all these things, then I won't put those impossible expectations on my HUMAN spouse, and I won't find them constantly wanting, I won't put way too much pressure on them, and I won't end up weighing down our marriage?
DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER!
God never wanted us to try to find perfection in another human because it's IMPOSSIBLE (other than for Jesus). Our imperfection is constantly pointing us back to Him. It should show us that, hey, something is missing...we need something perfectly steady, perfectly true, perfectly reliable, perfectly holy, perfectly whole, perfectly PERFECT in our lives and we are consistently shown that humans cannot give us that.
The heart is fickle though, and doesn't always listen to truth and reason. So while I know all of this, I still put my husband as #1 most of the time (I'll admit it).
I desire to be a better person.
To be a better friend.
To be a better wife.
To walk with God closer.
Which are all GREAT- but let me check my motivation. Do I desire to do these things to 1) worship, honor, and bring glory to God, or 2) to bring my husband joy/to fulfill him, or even 3) to feel good about myself?
We all know that the first is the right answer. The second is respectable in a sense, but puts my husband on a higher pedestal than God (very bad), and the third is super selfish- SUPER-DUPER SELFISH. But I am much more guilty of the latter two than the former.
I should definitely desire and strive to love my husband better and to serve him and build him up every single day of my life. Nothing is wrong with that- except when it becomes my sole passion and single motivation. I cannot live my life for a mortal- that would be foolish! But I can live it for a perfect God.
When I run after God and ask him for heart and life change, He is faithful to respond. And guess what? The ways he changes me and instructs me will definitely promote a healthier marriage, stronger and deeper friendships, and a more fruitful and rich life.
If change does not come from God working in my life, all I'm going to do is fail, fail, FAIL. But leaning on God, on His perfect love, forgiveness, etc. means that I can give that out 10, 100, 1000 fold beyond what I could muster on my own.
Friday, February 10, 2017
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Waking up to "me" again
This is going to sound weird, so bear with me.
I feel like I just woke up and I'm back to myself again. These past couple months, now that I'm looking back, didn't feel like me. Or at least, I wasn't the person I had been or wanted to be. I want to blame it on the exhaustion from working 55+ hour weeks, or just never sleeping, or the combination of that and not eating well/not doing cardio...but if I'm honest, it might have been from something deeper than that.
This thing called freedom, or independence. Like I said in my last post, I've been caught up in being my own adult person and in the fact that I can, indeed, support myself. So I ignored God just like I ignored half the people in my life because I just didn't have the energy from the excess of work I was putting myself through because it meant I could save more money/be an adult with security.
I want to care for people again, I feel like I lost that. I used to love doing things for people, no matter what it meant, and I'd be willing and happy to do it. Lately, I've done many things begrudgingly, and it's ugly. It's an ugly way to be and I didn't know where it was coming from. But I think now this is God pursuing my heart, and me finally allowing him to do so.
I'm excited again about people, about relationships, like my relationship with God, and I'm glad I've woken up to this.
Happy to feel like me again.
Now: pursuing God again, because if I'm honest, I haven't been. Learning what it means to "lay my life down for Christ," because that's a hard thing to do or even understand what it means for each person's life.
Peace & Blessings
Side note: I'm trying veganism, since I can't have dairy anyways and I've been eating a lot of meat lately and I've felt bleh. (Except I'm still eating eggs for now, because they're too yum to give up just yet. So call me a cheater if you want but whatevskis.)
I feel like I just woke up and I'm back to myself again. These past couple months, now that I'm looking back, didn't feel like me. Or at least, I wasn't the person I had been or wanted to be. I want to blame it on the exhaustion from working 55+ hour weeks, or just never sleeping, or the combination of that and not eating well/not doing cardio...but if I'm honest, it might have been from something deeper than that.
This thing called freedom, or independence. Like I said in my last post, I've been caught up in being my own adult person and in the fact that I can, indeed, support myself. So I ignored God just like I ignored half the people in my life because I just didn't have the energy from the excess of work I was putting myself through because it meant I could save more money/be an adult with security.
I want to care for people again, I feel like I lost that. I used to love doing things for people, no matter what it meant, and I'd be willing and happy to do it. Lately, I've done many things begrudgingly, and it's ugly. It's an ugly way to be and I didn't know where it was coming from. But I think now this is God pursuing my heart, and me finally allowing him to do so.
I'm excited again about people, about relationships, like my relationship with God, and I'm glad I've woken up to this.
Happy to feel like me again.
Now: pursuing God again, because if I'm honest, I haven't been. Learning what it means to "lay my life down for Christ," because that's a hard thing to do or even understand what it means for each person's life.
Peace & Blessings
Side note: I'm trying veganism, since I can't have dairy anyways and I've been eating a lot of meat lately and I've felt bleh. (Except I'm still eating eggs for now, because they're too yum to give up just yet. So call me a cheater if you want but whatevskis.)
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Easy being alone
I feel as though there are a lot of things that I need to say: to own up to, get off my chest, talk through to seek a greater understanding of. So I am going to try to do some of that here.
On [maybe] leaving Columbus.
Half of me is excited to leave, to try life in a new place, to see what that is like. The other half is terrified to leave, seeing as this has been my home, the place where many of the people I love are, for the last going on 5 years. There are certain people, things, and comforts that I do not want to leave. It's the little things, too, like being able to bike along the Olentangy Trail in the fall and spring, to go sit on the roof of Pomerane Hall and gaze over Mirror Lake at night, casual trips to Buckeye Donuts, every morning with my h2o friends at Neil Ave Baptist Church or Hitchcock Hall, huddled under blankets watching New Girl with friends, trips to Global Gallery and Goodwill...and so much more. Dear friends that I'm scared to leave because my track record has proven me generally awful at keeping up with people when I'm far from them (and I absolutely hate that about myself).
But that other half...the side that is excited to run away and start fresh, doing something I know I will actually enjoy.
And for so long I wanted to be here, independent and supporting myself financially, and then today I find myself longing for the comforts of home and my parents. As I was sitting in church this morning, I remembered how nice it was to come home from church in high school and stand in the kitchen right as I walked in, the lights off save for the natural light pouring in from the windows and doors, waiting for my mom to have lunch ready so that we could all eat together at the same table I've sat at since I was little. For some reason that is one of the most relaxing feelings I can recall. Then golf would be on afterwards and I would curl up and fall asleep to the announcers on TV...
After all these weeks of working doubles, the long days that seem to never end, maybe it's getting to me. Maybe that's why I am homesick today, or longing for the ease that was not really having to worry about anything at all, except to make sure I got an A in AP Calculus. I don't know. But I wanted to get all that out.
Another thing is something I was thinking of yesterday as I drove home from my first job. Since I've been so busy these last few months, my schedule not really jiving with anyone else's, I've spent a lot of time doing things on my own. Heck, I even went to the movies by myself in January. A couple nights ago I went alone to Nyoh's (my favorite country line dancing bar). And at first I didn't like it, wished I could have more plans with people, wished I didn't have to be so alone all the time. But as time has gone on, I've seen that it's a lot easier, at least in logistical terms, to do most stuff alone. Going to the store. Working out. Watching Netflix. Really anything. So now I enjoy my alone time and have a harder time when I plan things with people because I cannot be so independent with such things (can't leave just when I want to leave, can't go exactly the speed I want to, etc.). Caveat: I love hanging out with friends and doing things with them (I love you guys, I promise!), it's just become less natural for me now and that makes it harder, I guess. So now bike rides to Antrim Lake where I just go and eat an apple and people and nature watch for a while, all by myself, are very refreshing rather than what some people would see as depressing.
But here's the thing- all this just goes to show how scared I still am of commitment (even on little things such as plans to do something together), or being vulnerable in other words; how selfish I can be (because spending time with people means it won't always go my way- not that I consciously think of it that way, but still the thoughts are there); and how much I've strayed from God in this new world I've found called "independence."
It's not like I want to live this whole life alone- quite the opposite. My biggest fear is being alone, like completely alone in the sense of I've got no one left to run to, not in the sense of being physically alone. I very much want to be married someday and be teamed up with someone for life. But I know that the road to that place will be difficult, at least for me, since I am so used to being on my own. But if you're out there, guy that I will someday marry, know that I will fight with all I am to understand what it means to be with you and submit in the Biblical sense of that in marriage. But be patient with me, please. So, I am keen on the "endpoint," the being married, but the road to it terrifies me. Because what if I get in too deep and then one of us ends it? Or if you get in too deep...I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to do the hurting. But I suppose those are all chances one must take in love, or to find love. And with friends...I don't know why it's so hard for me to maintain lasting relationships. I do cherish you all, I promise, but I need to find how to best show that, in a way that you all can feel it. So I'm sorry. I really am.
I am selfish. I hate that. Why does it always have to be my way, or that I just don't care at all? Stupid all or nothing. Here's what I thought of, from a song Dierks Bentley sings called "Bottle to the Bottom." It's about a break up, but I think it could apply to just being alone as well:
And I know what that is- it's God. This new independence and actually being able to hold my own and support myself has me thinking that yes, yes I can do it all on my own. And so I think I've pushed away the one being that I desperately need: God. Now I see why people who graduate can find it so easy to fall away from God, because to [try to] do it on your own is tempting and at least in a life here sense, is kind of feasible. But I wonder if they've all felt the same thing I have, that empty sense despite any accomplishments. I don't want to fall like this, though. I want to be with God, and I want to still find my identity and comfort in Him.
That's pretty much all I have for now. Thanks for reading, friends.
And, future hubby, don't forget to be patient with me.
Peace & Blessings
On [maybe] leaving Columbus.
Half of me is excited to leave, to try life in a new place, to see what that is like. The other half is terrified to leave, seeing as this has been my home, the place where many of the people I love are, for the last going on 5 years. There are certain people, things, and comforts that I do not want to leave. It's the little things, too, like being able to bike along the Olentangy Trail in the fall and spring, to go sit on the roof of Pomerane Hall and gaze over Mirror Lake at night, casual trips to Buckeye Donuts, every morning with my h2o friends at Neil Ave Baptist Church or Hitchcock Hall, huddled under blankets watching New Girl with friends, trips to Global Gallery and Goodwill...and so much more. Dear friends that I'm scared to leave because my track record has proven me generally awful at keeping up with people when I'm far from them (and I absolutely hate that about myself).
But that other half...the side that is excited to run away and start fresh, doing something I know I will actually enjoy.
And for so long I wanted to be here, independent and supporting myself financially, and then today I find myself longing for the comforts of home and my parents. As I was sitting in church this morning, I remembered how nice it was to come home from church in high school and stand in the kitchen right as I walked in, the lights off save for the natural light pouring in from the windows and doors, waiting for my mom to have lunch ready so that we could all eat together at the same table I've sat at since I was little. For some reason that is one of the most relaxing feelings I can recall. Then golf would be on afterwards and I would curl up and fall asleep to the announcers on TV...
After all these weeks of working doubles, the long days that seem to never end, maybe it's getting to me. Maybe that's why I am homesick today, or longing for the ease that was not really having to worry about anything at all, except to make sure I got an A in AP Calculus. I don't know. But I wanted to get all that out.
Another thing is something I was thinking of yesterday as I drove home from my first job. Since I've been so busy these last few months, my schedule not really jiving with anyone else's, I've spent a lot of time doing things on my own. Heck, I even went to the movies by myself in January. A couple nights ago I went alone to Nyoh's (my favorite country line dancing bar). And at first I didn't like it, wished I could have more plans with people, wished I didn't have to be so alone all the time. But as time has gone on, I've seen that it's a lot easier, at least in logistical terms, to do most stuff alone. Going to the store. Working out. Watching Netflix. Really anything. So now I enjoy my alone time and have a harder time when I plan things with people because I cannot be so independent with such things (can't leave just when I want to leave, can't go exactly the speed I want to, etc.). Caveat: I love hanging out with friends and doing things with them (I love you guys, I promise!), it's just become less natural for me now and that makes it harder, I guess. So now bike rides to Antrim Lake where I just go and eat an apple and people and nature watch for a while, all by myself, are very refreshing rather than what some people would see as depressing.
But here's the thing- all this just goes to show how scared I still am of commitment (even on little things such as plans to do something together), or being vulnerable in other words; how selfish I can be (because spending time with people means it won't always go my way- not that I consciously think of it that way, but still the thoughts are there); and how much I've strayed from God in this new world I've found called "independence."
It's not like I want to live this whole life alone- quite the opposite. My biggest fear is being alone, like completely alone in the sense of I've got no one left to run to, not in the sense of being physically alone. I very much want to be married someday and be teamed up with someone for life. But I know that the road to that place will be difficult, at least for me, since I am so used to being on my own. But if you're out there, guy that I will someday marry, know that I will fight with all I am to understand what it means to be with you and submit in the Biblical sense of that in marriage. But be patient with me, please. So, I am keen on the "endpoint," the being married, but the road to it terrifies me. Because what if I get in too deep and then one of us ends it? Or if you get in too deep...I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to do the hurting. But I suppose those are all chances one must take in love, or to find love. And with friends...I don't know why it's so hard for me to maintain lasting relationships. I do cherish you all, I promise, but I need to find how to best show that, in a way that you all can feel it. So I'm sorry. I really am.
I am selfish. I hate that. Why does it always have to be my way, or that I just don't care at all? Stupid all or nothing. Here's what I thought of, from a song Dierks Bentley sings called "Bottle to the Bottom." It's about a break up, but I think it could apply to just being alone as well:
You wonder if I'm better off with freedom now to do the things I choose // Well all my time's my own and I've got nothin' left but sleepin' time to lose // There's no one here to carry on If I stay out the whole night long // Or doesn't give a damn if I don't call // I'm livin' like I wanted to and doin' things I wanna do // And nothin' means a thing to me at all."Well, all my time's my own," but is that really what I wanted? Is that really what's best for me? It's caused me to fall into the selfishness I've tried so hard to fight off. I don't use it productively because usually I'm too tired from work to do anything, or so I claim (this has been pretty accurate though, but I didn't need to be working as much as I have been). Generally now I'm doing okay, even seemingly happy, but there's this part of me that feels like it's all unfulfilling, all useless what I'm doing on my own. Like there's still something missing.
And I know what that is- it's God. This new independence and actually being able to hold my own and support myself has me thinking that yes, yes I can do it all on my own. And so I think I've pushed away the one being that I desperately need: God. Now I see why people who graduate can find it so easy to fall away from God, because to [try to] do it on your own is tempting and at least in a life here sense, is kind of feasible. But I wonder if they've all felt the same thing I have, that empty sense despite any accomplishments. I don't want to fall like this, though. I want to be with God, and I want to still find my identity and comfort in Him.
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain // When I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me...So powerful. How do I keep ignoring it and trying to depend on myself?
That's pretty much all I have for now. Thanks for reading, friends.
And, future hubby, don't forget to be patient with me.
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Immediate Challenges
Remember how great I felt on Tuesday? How happy I was to be in food service and how much I was enjoying my time loving on the customers and my coworkers?
Yeah. I walked into work the next day and it felt completely different. I didn't want to even smile at the customers. I didn't have the energy even to talk to them at a normal hearing level. Today was tough too. I have had the hardest time loving people the last couple days and it has been really emotionally challenging.
The devil attacked the happiness I'd found at my job(s) and tried to shake me. Well, he did shake me a little...but this morning I leaned really heavily on God to hold me together. Nothing was going right, my bagels were burning, I was behind, and I got flustered. I wanted to just give up, sit down, and cry (what am I, three years old?). But we all know times like that. I prayed. I talked to God for about an hour straight as I stood in front of the oven. I begged Him to help me hold myself together, and I asked for the strength to come out of this funk and love people the way He would want me to.
I feel so much better now than I did at 5:45am. He has been faithful. He has taken care of me, given me the strength to push through, and even started to answer my prayer that I could learn what it means to be reliant on Him. He drew me closer when I was at the edge of crumbling.
The devil's plans did not work out- this challenge to my excitement to love people only drew me closer to God. God is good, even when we do not feel good.
Even last night, when I was feeling exhausted and mentally/emotionally done with the day, He sent me a couple nice ladies at work who talked to me about my future and Jesus and it was really refreshing.
Maybe this all seems like a little thing. But for me, this is big. This is me being able to clearly see and feel God with me. I haven't felt that in a while because I've been running from Him, whether on purpose or subconsciously. This means a better understanding for me of what it looks like to lean on Him even when I want to give up or lean on another human.
And I thank You, God, for that. <3
Peace & Blessings
Yeah. I walked into work the next day and it felt completely different. I didn't want to even smile at the customers. I didn't have the energy even to talk to them at a normal hearing level. Today was tough too. I have had the hardest time loving people the last couple days and it has been really emotionally challenging.
The devil attacked the happiness I'd found at my job(s) and tried to shake me. Well, he did shake me a little...but this morning I leaned really heavily on God to hold me together. Nothing was going right, my bagels were burning, I was behind, and I got flustered. I wanted to just give up, sit down, and cry (what am I, three years old?). But we all know times like that. I prayed. I talked to God for about an hour straight as I stood in front of the oven. I begged Him to help me hold myself together, and I asked for the strength to come out of this funk and love people the way He would want me to.
I feel so much better now than I did at 5:45am. He has been faithful. He has taken care of me, given me the strength to push through, and even started to answer my prayer that I could learn what it means to be reliant on Him. He drew me closer when I was at the edge of crumbling.
The devil's plans did not work out- this challenge to my excitement to love people only drew me closer to God. God is good, even when we do not feel good.
Even last night, when I was feeling exhausted and mentally/emotionally done with the day, He sent me a couple nice ladies at work who talked to me about my future and Jesus and it was really refreshing.
Maybe this all seems like a little thing. But for me, this is big. This is me being able to clearly see and feel God with me. I haven't felt that in a while because I've been running from Him, whether on purpose or subconsciously. This means a better understanding for me of what it looks like to lean on Him even when I want to give up or lean on another human.
And I thank You, God, for that. <3
Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Food service a blessing?
When I started working at Bruegger's (bagel shop & coffee) at the end of August, I was glad to have a job that seemed so small- as in, the owners were very hands-on and the other employees seemed so nice (and all of this is definitely true!); BUT, to be honest, I was upset that I was back in the food service sector. Every time I've worked a food service job, I've told myself, never again. It's the same thing day after day, you come home smelling like whatever food you're preparing, and it always feels so under appreciated and temporary.
But perhaps something is different this time. Maybe it is me that is different, or at least my perspective on things. Or maybe the jobs I have are simply better. Probably a combination. Let me explain why it feels different, and what I am learning about myself through my work.
First of all, it is no coincidence that I got a job at Bruegger's. In August, I applied to 13 different jobs, 11 of them in the hospital (assistant positions for students/no need for much experience). I figured that since I had worked at the OSU hospitals before, I had a good chance at being hired again. Working in there can be more stimulating (sometimes), and like I'd said, I was trying to avoid food service. But I also applied to two Bruegger's locations, knowing they were hiring. I did not receive a single response back, save for the UA Bruegger's- in fact, the very morning after I applied. A text and an email from the owners. A week and a half later I was hired on, and there was something about it all that just felt right. And they were going to work with my school/church schedule, and give me my requested number of hours. Not to mention that the owners were excited about my faith and where I thought it might take me in the future. To me, it seemed too good to be true.
I have thoroughly enjoyed working with the people I do there. We talk about everything, from God to funny dreams to guy problems to phone plans to future aspirations. They encourage me and make me laugh, empathize with me when I'm tired, and have my back when I make mistakes. I have been blessed by each one of them.
And the customers. I seriously have never experienced such wonderful customers at a food service job. I joke with them, make sure they are happy, and try to get to know them and let them get to know me if they are regulars. At other jobs, my "Enjoy!" or "Have a good one!" haven't always been sincere and neither have my smiles at some points, but here I find myself actually wanting to smile and wish the customers a good day. Questions jump out of my mouth that would perhaps make for a better breakfast/lunch for them but would mean more effort or time on my end. It always warms my heart when they say thank you and really look like they mean it because they know I was trying my best to give them a good experience. (Oh my goodness I could be a poster child for food service employees haha...but these are my serious thoughts. If this is my life now, these long hour days working two food service jobs, I might as well put my all into it and try to find joy in it!)
All this leads me to what working at Bruegger's (and now my other job) has taught or shown me: how much I love and desire to make people happy. Not in the people-pleasing kind of way that comes with a bad connotation (like no backbone or that it means putting what people think of you in front of what God does/wants or whatever people say about it). Now, I knew before that this was one of my greatest desires for my life, but now I've been able to see it; it's become more tangible and obvious, to me at least. I hope that people know that this love for people and caring for them in whatever way I can flows out of God's love for me. I know people can't just know that outright...but perhaps the people closer to me can. Plus, it's the little things that make people's days.
I don't really know what this means for the rest of my life. But I do know that it will cause me to embarrass myself if only to see someone else laugh (this happens very often haha), become a "playground" for kids and run around until I nearly fall over with exhaustion (man, I miss my kids in Choluteca...I would carry them around literally all day if I could just go back right now), share personal struggles or my past with people to let them know they are not alone, actually listen to people and not always interject my own stuff, drive all over the place for people, whatever it takes.
I want to be God's hands and feet. And I want to learn how to best show that.
I want to never expect or hope for anything in return, knowing that I might never receive any praise or thanks for any of it, but learn to have a willing heart regardless.
I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, coworker, citizen, volunteer, employee, church member, small group leader.
I want to make time for people and forget about making money so much.
I want to learn to be content with less, so I can appreciate what I do have more. And to be able to give of my own stuff and time with a truly willing heart.
I want to be less prideful and not judge myself/others on what job I/they work to support myself/themselves.
So what has the "dreaded" food service sector brought me? Joy, a better understanding of myself, and also a better understanding of who I want to be. I am really thankful for what I have (even as I sit here, exhausted from the last couple days of work).
God, help me to continue to find joy in both of my jobs, no matter if I am tired or frustrated or strung out. Help me to serve You by serving Your people with all that I have. Create in me a pure heart that can focus on You above all, and not on me as I've done lately. Knock down my pride and reliance on the things of this world more and more every day, no matter how painful it might be (I know You'll be faithful to answer that, and that scares me but help me to trust You in it all). Help me to love You and not just Your guidance/blessings. Amen.
Please know that these are my desires. Guys, I am far from perfect and I screw up every minute of every day; I fail to love God, I fail to love His children, I fail to put God and others before myself. I hope you all never get a "holier than thou" feeling from my blog, because that is opposite the way I hope to write it. I am just a broken human like the 7 billion on this earth. But I am hopeful; there is redemption, there is healing, there is love that we can find and that can fill us to overflow. That love- that is what can change the world, change your life. It's changing mine every day.
Love, Peace & Blessings
But perhaps something is different this time. Maybe it is me that is different, or at least my perspective on things. Or maybe the jobs I have are simply better. Probably a combination. Let me explain why it feels different, and what I am learning about myself through my work.
First of all, it is no coincidence that I got a job at Bruegger's. In August, I applied to 13 different jobs, 11 of them in the hospital (assistant positions for students/no need for much experience). I figured that since I had worked at the OSU hospitals before, I had a good chance at being hired again. Working in there can be more stimulating (sometimes), and like I'd said, I was trying to avoid food service. But I also applied to two Bruegger's locations, knowing they were hiring. I did not receive a single response back, save for the UA Bruegger's- in fact, the very morning after I applied. A text and an email from the owners. A week and a half later I was hired on, and there was something about it all that just felt right. And they were going to work with my school/church schedule, and give me my requested number of hours. Not to mention that the owners were excited about my faith and where I thought it might take me in the future. To me, it seemed too good to be true.
I have thoroughly enjoyed working with the people I do there. We talk about everything, from God to funny dreams to guy problems to phone plans to future aspirations. They encourage me and make me laugh, empathize with me when I'm tired, and have my back when I make mistakes. I have been blessed by each one of them.
And the customers. I seriously have never experienced such wonderful customers at a food service job. I joke with them, make sure they are happy, and try to get to know them and let them get to know me if they are regulars. At other jobs, my "Enjoy!" or "Have a good one!" haven't always been sincere and neither have my smiles at some points, but here I find myself actually wanting to smile and wish the customers a good day. Questions jump out of my mouth that would perhaps make for a better breakfast/lunch for them but would mean more effort or time on my end. It always warms my heart when they say thank you and really look like they mean it because they know I was trying my best to give them a good experience. (Oh my goodness I could be a poster child for food service employees haha...but these are my serious thoughts. If this is my life now, these long hour days working two food service jobs, I might as well put my all into it and try to find joy in it!)
All this leads me to what working at Bruegger's (and now my other job) has taught or shown me: how much I love and desire to make people happy. Not in the people-pleasing kind of way that comes with a bad connotation (like no backbone or that it means putting what people think of you in front of what God does/wants or whatever people say about it). Now, I knew before that this was one of my greatest desires for my life, but now I've been able to see it; it's become more tangible and obvious, to me at least. I hope that people know that this love for people and caring for them in whatever way I can flows out of God's love for me. I know people can't just know that outright...but perhaps the people closer to me can. Plus, it's the little things that make people's days.
I don't really know what this means for the rest of my life. But I do know that it will cause me to embarrass myself if only to see someone else laugh (this happens very often haha), become a "playground" for kids and run around until I nearly fall over with exhaustion (man, I miss my kids in Choluteca...I would carry them around literally all day if I could just go back right now), share personal struggles or my past with people to let them know they are not alone, actually listen to people and not always interject my own stuff, drive all over the place for people, whatever it takes.
I want to be God's hands and feet. And I want to learn how to best show that.
I want to never expect or hope for anything in return, knowing that I might never receive any praise or thanks for any of it, but learn to have a willing heart regardless.
I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, coworker, citizen, volunteer, employee, church member, small group leader.
I want to make time for people and forget about making money so much.
I want to learn to be content with less, so I can appreciate what I do have more. And to be able to give of my own stuff and time with a truly willing heart.
I want to be less prideful and not judge myself/others on what job I/they work to support myself/themselves.
So what has the "dreaded" food service sector brought me? Joy, a better understanding of myself, and also a better understanding of who I want to be. I am really thankful for what I have (even as I sit here, exhausted from the last couple days of work).
God, help me to continue to find joy in both of my jobs, no matter if I am tired or frustrated or strung out. Help me to serve You by serving Your people with all that I have. Create in me a pure heart that can focus on You above all, and not on me as I've done lately. Knock down my pride and reliance on the things of this world more and more every day, no matter how painful it might be (I know You'll be faithful to answer that, and that scares me but help me to trust You in it all). Help me to love You and not just Your guidance/blessings. Amen.
Please know that these are my desires. Guys, I am far from perfect and I screw up every minute of every day; I fail to love God, I fail to love His children, I fail to put God and others before myself. I hope you all never get a "holier than thou" feeling from my blog, because that is opposite the way I hope to write it. I am just a broken human like the 7 billion on this earth. But I am hopeful; there is redemption, there is healing, there is love that we can find and that can fill us to overflow. That love- that is what can change the world, change your life. It's changing mine every day.
Love, Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Adulthood: What IS that?
Since graduating and getting into working full weeks, I've been stuck in this mindset of being hyper concerned with being an "adult" in everything I do, whatever that means. Like, today I worked on my budget and got my own cell phone plan. And I'm sitting here and my insides are screaming out, does this mean I'm an adult now? I feel weird. Things are expensive.
But I've discovered that we all don't really know what we're doing, I don't think anyone has it all together or feels completely grown up. I'm still going to want things that I don't need, and I'm still going to pout about it probably. I'm not going to want to make hard decisions. I'm going to want to go on vacation and not be able to because I'd now have to request off two jobs. I still want my mom to come take care of me when I get sick. And I'm still going to call my dad when I have a million questions about bills or how to fix something or if I really need to go to the doctor or not.
Today at work my coworkers were talking about being on their own and how they wished like heck that they could be back in high school with their parents still providing everything. I don't feel like that. I like the "freedom" I have now. I hated not being able to drive. Everything was so different then. But everything was pretty much dependent on my parents and now it's on me. Which yes is weird and daunting but I have this feeling like maybe now my life can move somewhere. I guess I've always wanted independence and look, I've finally got it. But it's not all I thought it would be. I always wanted to be dependent on only me and now I don't want to be alone like that. I want to lean on someone else as they lean back on me. Maybe that's what adulthood, or just maturity, means? To realize that maybe you can do it on your own (just talking people here, not Jesus right now- we definitely need Him), but that you don't want to. That that's not why we're here.
Maybe this is just hard because I've never had to finance my own bills before, other than paying for gas and food when I eat out and trips that I've been on.
But I think it's so hard because I'm trying to fit myself inside this box of what I think adulthood is, and I don't even have a definition; I also don't know if I want to fit inside said box anyways. It would be easier if I had chosen a career that matched my undergrad degree, yes. Then I might have some 9-5 job that gave me weekends off and security in the sense of finances and benefits. But that is not what I've felt God calling me to, and that is not what I desire. And I've always been okay with that, but recently the weight of that decision, at least in the short-term, is hitting me. But, as they say, patience is a virtue.
Anyways, here's what I've come to: adulthood is some weird box that people have tried to define and fit people into so that society is calm and put together. But most of us don't fit in the box, or don't really understand what the box means. I am revolting against the box!! (But don't worry mom and dad, I'm still working and paying my bills.)
Further note: I don't know how to revolt against the box because I still don't know what the box is. Or whether I'm in it or outside of it.
Another further note: I'm done with all this time I've spent worrying about if I'm adult or not. It's dumb. I'm just going to be who I am and survive on my food service hourly pay. But I can still be silly and not figured out and I can still be confused about the world and what it all means.
I love Jesus, and I love service work. And I love making people happy (usually comes through laughter at the eccentric things I say or do. Or all the dad jokes. Sorry in advance for those). And I love my friends and family and am striving to make them higher priorities in my life.
That's my jumbled mess of trying to explain how I'm feeling right now.
Peace & Blessings
But I've discovered that we all don't really know what we're doing, I don't think anyone has it all together or feels completely grown up. I'm still going to want things that I don't need, and I'm still going to pout about it probably. I'm not going to want to make hard decisions. I'm going to want to go on vacation and not be able to because I'd now have to request off two jobs. I still want my mom to come take care of me when I get sick. And I'm still going to call my dad when I have a million questions about bills or how to fix something or if I really need to go to the doctor or not.
Today at work my coworkers were talking about being on their own and how they wished like heck that they could be back in high school with their parents still providing everything. I don't feel like that. I like the "freedom" I have now. I hated not being able to drive. Everything was so different then. But everything was pretty much dependent on my parents and now it's on me. Which yes is weird and daunting but I have this feeling like maybe now my life can move somewhere. I guess I've always wanted independence and look, I've finally got it. But it's not all I thought it would be. I always wanted to be dependent on only me and now I don't want to be alone like that. I want to lean on someone else as they lean back on me. Maybe that's what adulthood, or just maturity, means? To realize that maybe you can do it on your own (just talking people here, not Jesus right now- we definitely need Him), but that you don't want to. That that's not why we're here.
Maybe this is just hard because I've never had to finance my own bills before, other than paying for gas and food when I eat out and trips that I've been on.
But I think it's so hard because I'm trying to fit myself inside this box of what I think adulthood is, and I don't even have a definition; I also don't know if I want to fit inside said box anyways. It would be easier if I had chosen a career that matched my undergrad degree, yes. Then I might have some 9-5 job that gave me weekends off and security in the sense of finances and benefits. But that is not what I've felt God calling me to, and that is not what I desire. And I've always been okay with that, but recently the weight of that decision, at least in the short-term, is hitting me. But, as they say, patience is a virtue.
Anyways, here's what I've come to: adulthood is some weird box that people have tried to define and fit people into so that society is calm and put together. But most of us don't fit in the box, or don't really understand what the box means. I am revolting against the box!! (But don't worry mom and dad, I'm still working and paying my bills.)
Further note: I don't know how to revolt against the box because I still don't know what the box is. Or whether I'm in it or outside of it.
Another further note: I'm done with all this time I've spent worrying about if I'm adult or not. It's dumb. I'm just going to be who I am and survive on my food service hourly pay. But I can still be silly and not figured out and I can still be confused about the world and what it all means.
I love Jesus, and I love service work. And I love making people happy (usually comes through laughter at the eccentric things I say or do. Or all the dad jokes. Sorry in advance for those). And I love my friends and family and am striving to make them higher priorities in my life.
That's my jumbled mess of trying to explain how I'm feeling right now.
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 16, 2014
The Battle
There has been an intense battle inside me today. I have felt incredibly lonely, and in that I looked to God, but even as I did so my mind wandered…I questioned my worth, and a lot more.
These two songs came up back to back right in the middle of the pain today. Paints a pretty accurate picture of my two sides in this battle.
Matthew Mayfield, "Element"
I'm screamin' my lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing you were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize a million times
But I'm human and I'm selfish
Got the feeling I should deal with this
But I'm hiding, and no one knows,
They don't…
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Tenth Avenue North, "By Your Side"
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I'm (God) not enough?
To where will you go, child
Tell me where will you run, where will you run?
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you,
My hands are holding you…
Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, I love you, I'll never let you go, no…
I've been lonely. Isolated. Wanting to be with people and talk deeply but instead being alone because talking would be too draining or I just don't want to, thanks to my stubbornness. I've felt the ache of singleness that I haven't felt so strongly in a long time. I've tried to explain what I've felt today and I don't know how much sense it has made. All I know is that in the depths of loneliness I've been in today, the reasons for my harmless desires changed and they became what they should not be. (Wanting to be married/have a family turned to wanting these things because then some people would really truly need me, and I would be "fulfilled." That's just plain wrong.) But that has helped me to see just a little more clearly now that I'm out of the pit.
Thanks to my God and a couple spectacular friends- I am doing much better tonight. I only hope I could be even half the friend that you two have been to me.
Much love,
Peace & Blessings
These two songs came up back to back right in the middle of the pain today. Paints a pretty accurate picture of my two sides in this battle.
Matthew Mayfield, "Element"
I'm screamin' my lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing you were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize a million times
But I'm human and I'm selfish
Got the feeling I should deal with this
But I'm hiding, and no one knows,
They don't…
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Tenth Avenue North, "By Your Side"
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I'm (God) not enough?
To where will you go, child
Tell me where will you run, where will you run?
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you,
My hands are holding you…
Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, I love you, I'll never let you go, no…
I've been lonely. Isolated. Wanting to be with people and talk deeply but instead being alone because talking would be too draining or I just don't want to, thanks to my stubbornness. I've felt the ache of singleness that I haven't felt so strongly in a long time. I've tried to explain what I've felt today and I don't know how much sense it has made. All I know is that in the depths of loneliness I've been in today, the reasons for my harmless desires changed and they became what they should not be. (Wanting to be married/have a family turned to wanting these things because then some people would really truly need me, and I would be "fulfilled." That's just plain wrong.) But that has helped me to see just a little more clearly now that I'm out of the pit.
Thanks to my God and a couple spectacular friends- I am doing much better tonight. I only hope I could be even half the friend that you two have been to me.
Much love,
Peace & Blessings
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