It's time to put Faith before Fear!

I'm getting baptized!! Decided that Tuesday morning when I finally asked myself why I was putting everything off. The rest will explain :) I'll be reading [some of] this at my baptism. (Not all of it, because I think that would take a year...)
"Of this I'm sure, the past don't own us anymore."

I grew up in the church, surrounded by a loving family of believers that was reflected at home. From a young age, I can remember the church being a second home to me and absolutely loving the people there. My younger sister and I prayed with my mom or dad every night, and I still remember how we always started:  "Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for all we have, and please be with those who are less fortunate than us," followed by whatever else we wanted to tell or ask Him that night. Other than that, my elementary school and middle school years never reflected my beliefs, other than feeling I needed to be a "good Christian girl" who followed the rules and always did her best.

Doing my best turned into a feeling that I had to be the best, a performance-driven attitude that has plagued my academic, social, and spiritual lives since then and still does. I didn't only need to succeed, I needed to do it perfectly and better than everyone else. And if I didn't, I was hard on myself.

But, I think in high school I finally started to understand what following God was all about. I remember a period throughout my junior/senior years where I was reading the Bible, praying, and journaling every night. I was asking God to change me, and He was incredibly faithful. I saw my thought life changing, my priorities shifting, and I had quite literally never felt so refreshed and happy in my life. But then it was gone. My best guess is that, on the inside, I was terrified about where these changes were taking me, and I decided to back out. This happened over and over up until this point, and afterwards for years. On again, off again was my relationship with God and every time I fell away I felt more and more ashamed. My thoughts were, why can't I keep this up? Why do I keep falling away, being so fickle? And isn't God going to get tired of all this back and forth, and just give up on me? I mean, I would...

This thought pattern has followed me for years and as much as I knew in my mind that God would never give up on me, I was scared in my heart that I could mess up bad enough that He would just leave. During my summer at LT after my freshman year at OSU, things started to become clear. By thinking that maybe God could give up on me, and that I had to pull all the weight in my relationship with God to keep it from "going under," I was shown how much I did not know about God's character and how little I trusted Him. I remember giving over everything to Him after an immense amount of struggling and feeling my heart torn between my worldly desires and my need for God. But of course, coming back to campus revealed a stark contrast between how I'd hoped to live for God and how the world wanted me to live, at least while in college.

I've allowed my pride, performance-driven attitude, and skewed priorities to rule my life since then. I've continued to fight a battle between giving it all to God and knowing that could mean drastic changes to my life now and my future, and giving up on all that and just doing what's easy now, namely focusing on classes and the petty, selfish things that can make up much of our lives. The easy has mostly won, until this past summer made me see a little straighter.

This summer was an immense help to figuring out where I stand now. I was initially challenged with my own admission of "grades are the only thing I can't give over to God," prompted by Kathy Borsos' difficult questions I secretly had no interest in hearing. The community and strong support of faithful women in my summer small group made me question how I was living day to day, with little to no time with God. I was confronted with the realization that I was terrified of what a commitment to God could mean for my life, terrified enough to let it hold me back from what I knew my whole self was yearning for - a lifelong walk with Jesus.

As my mom would say, I've been stalling. I keep thinking that there is something there that is keeping me from God and His love, but I know it can't be Him:  "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:38-39. I finally saw that what was standing between God and I...was me. Me and my fear. And suddenly I was done, done with being scared, done with running from the only one who loves me unconditionally and more than I could ever imagine. He must have uncovered my eyes to let me know this, because for so long I've been stuck.

I've spent most of my spiritual life letting fear rule, and I think it's finally time for faith to take it's place. I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, that He will never leave me or stop loving me, and guess what? He knows that I'm going to continually fall short of perfection and knew that long before He died for me on that cross. And you know what else? He would have loved me just the same if I'd never even acknowledged Him. If I hated Him. If I were to never believe. I think that's someone more than worth trusting, worth putting my faith in. I believe He has a better plan for my life, even if it flips everything I have upside down. And now, because He's brought me to a place where I don't have to be scared any more, I've decided to be baptized! I know that this isn't going to make my life any easier or any less of a struggle between worldly desires and spiritual ones, but I'll know that there is a wonderful being that I can always count on for help. It doesn't mean I'm not going to fail, it means I'm going to know that there's still grace and love and forgiveness for me when I fall short. It doesn't mean that I'm magically going to know what I'm doing after I graduate, but it means that I will serve Him in whatever I end up doing. It means I no longer have to be scared. And that is something to smile about. :)

Peace & Blessings

Open letter: struggles

An open letter:
to God.

I have not been faithful. I have not trusted in your wonder and absolute perfection like I should...like I want to. I crave you, I crave to know you. My body, mind, and heart aches to know you more, to know your plan for my life.
But God, I am drowning. I don't feel useful, or worthy, or good enough for anything, especially not you. And it is true that I could never live up to your perfect standards...but I know the next part, the grace and mercy and that you sent your son to die in our place so now we are perfect in your eyes, yet I still feel like I'm the worst Christian out there. I know comparison kills, but hey we humans do a lot of things that kill.
I'm scared to "dive in" because 1) that may mean changing my plans, a LOT, and 2) well frankly, I don't even know what "diving in" means or looks like. And I think that's why I'm so terrified/turned off to baptism. I don't want to say I'm committing and then fail again.

"Of this I'm sure:  the past don't own us anymore." This line just came up in a song right when I was typing the last sentence. Wow. That couldn't have been anything but YOU showing me that you've forgotten things of the past, so shouldn't I too? Or, at least, you've forgotten the sin. Wiped it away. I keep feeling like I'm going to fail you, to let you down. I have to remind myself that you don't even need me, so I can't let you down. Plus, you know I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm needy. For goodness' sake, you made me that way!!!

You have loved me and I have fought back with all I have.
You have called to me, and I have ignored.
You've forgiven me, yet I still blame you for things of this world.
You've held me in the palm of your hand and taken care of me, but I've climbed out of your hands and tried to do it on my own.
You've listened to my every plea, I've looked past those you've told me to love.

I'm stuck in between two attitudes:  one of being broken and dealing with my own iniquities, or one of resting in the knowledge that I am your daughter, a princess in your eyes. And in typing this, I've just realized I don't think I've every truly rested in the latter. I am constantly focused on how I'm not good enough for you, how I have so far to go before I can deserve to be close with you, before I can be deserving of a man after your heart...and I just feel like I will never reach that point. I don't know why or how I can just look past the truth that says that that is EXACTLY what the cross was for. I want to make that jump completely. I want to be there with you, God!

Amen

Peace & Blessings

Slam No.1

Influenced by listening to "Beautiful Eulogy" and "Surrender" by Beautiful Eulogy. (Yes I'm writing a rap.)

realizing that we're broken is the hardest part about it
and the world that's all around us never ceases to allow it
creeps up in our bones,
in our hearts,
in our jests
never stopping for a moment to have time to realize
we're a mess.

and i feel just like a fraud to find out that i'm the culprit
as i stand up and preach loud, as if i deserve a pulpit
i stand up tall screaming out worlds and things like "grace and truth"
but in my heart i'm crying out maybe it'll make more sense to you...

have we made these things:
forgiveness, mercy, grace, love
just words in our minds in our hearts in our lives?
have we forgotten what it means to love the LORD with all our hearts?
have we lost what love is, left our hearts back at the start?

and it seems we stand for nothing
as we hide our Bibles from the ones who are closest
out of fear they'll mock and leave and then what will you be left with?
but the Gospel is so much more than ink on a parchment
but "separation of Church and State" leaves us paralyzed in our department.

so out of fear of awkward conversations
we become stalled in the world and stop loving from our low expectations
like we're the ones who can change hearts
what a lie filled with unsubstantiated pride
but it's God, He's the only one who can really save a life.

good news is that there's grace for all our follies
a second, third, hundredth chance for all us Christian "phonies" (cronies)
and He loves us no matter how far we've fallen
because He created us to worship though all we did was scorn
He sent His Son to die for us
for once
for all
"it's done."

so now we dwell in peace because we've learned that we can't be perfect
and His sacrifice has saved us though we never deserved it
His love doesn't come through our performance
so in us He's never disappointed
we are free to love, to serve the broken world around us
to reach out to the hungry souls because they used to be us.

but we don't go down this road alone and expect for Him to meet us,
rather we walk alongside and ask for Him to lead us, teach us
because our walk with Him is more than a one-sided conversation
it's a relationship, a fellowship; we find a joy in His patience

and even when we have our doubts, which seem to leave us shaken
we close our eyes, lift our hands, and stand in awe with all of His creation.

Peace&Blessings

Refreshment

I have felt so refreshed the past few days.

(For the most part at least.)

And you know what it has been coming from? UNPLANNED THINGS. Seeing friends I don't usually see, little conversations, shared laughter over something so seemingly random, and conversations with strangers in coffee shops and elevators. I even felt calm about my biochemistry midterm.

I don't know why God decided to do it this week but MAN He is blessing me so incredibly much. Through the little things. The little things that end up being the parts of our days that stand out the most.

It's reminded me of how laughable "coincidences" are. Nothing, not one thing, is coincidence. I think we were all destined to run into each other at certain times in our lives.

And it makes me so excited, instills in me this eagerness for the future. I want to get up, I want to jump up and talk to everyone. I want to love people. I want to be, with God's help, that little "random" moment of their day that stands out and makes a mediocre or bad day not really that bad or boring. That little thing they smile about as they walk away, as much out of wonderment and confusion as a spark of joy.

I just needed to get this all out because it so excited me!

Though in all of this, the devil latches a hold. This love of connecting, of loving people - it gets me antsy, makes me wonder why I'm here in Columbus, taking classes instead of making some other difference in the country, in the world. I know right now, He does want me here. But I'm so impatient. Then I think, well, what if there's a reason He's keeping me on this campus an extra year? (I mean, if He is, then I suppose there is a reason.) So why not spend time digging into people, loving them, and using my classes to have a chance to do it? Why not work as hard in my classes as I can - while still managing my time so as to not neglect Him, friends, volunteering, church, or other responsibilities?

My prayer - to have confidence in Him to be as outgoing and friendly as I most naturally am not. Let people know that they are loved, even if I don't know them from Adam.

My prayer - to keep God at the center of this, God and others, and not make it about what I can do or how it makes me feel, rather than how it makes others feel.

We can do this.
We are all strangers here, but what unwritten rule says we have to stay that way? :)

Peace & Blessings

Tears

I've cried numerous times tonight. Not one hundred percent sure why. Things are just hitting me harder than usual, I suppose. Things are more real.

Moved by a song. By a movie. By a friend's blog post. By God.

Won't you come back? ("I Will, My Dear" by Jared Evers)
If you never come back I just want you to know I'm gonna love you either way. ("Rising Sun" by Prince of Spain)

It's like God is speaking right to me.

And then the blog post...so much faith in our Creator to heal this little girl from a deadly disease. Made me realize that I've given up hoping in a lot of ways. I mean, if you don't hope then you can't be let down when things don't work out. Because you just expected the human outcome, the imperfect promises and hopes. The thing that is so hard for us, for me, to understand is that God is not human. He is not tied down with broken promises and false hopes. He is love, truth, perfection, and most of all, HOPE. He loves us and that's it. He loves us. He doesn't try His best to love us and fail sometimes; He doesn't just want to love us but can't, He really and truly loves us. And He doesn't even have to, He wants to! He delights in us.

What is He trying to get across to me right now?
That it isn't about what I do. It's about Him loving me and sacrificing for me so that we can be together. IT'S ABOUT HIM!!!
And also that you can't be closed off all the time. You have to put yourself out there and love with a chance to be hurt (thank you to Meg from Hercules). It ain't love if it can't break your heart ("It Ain't Love" by Green River Ordinance).

I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
I'm not runnin' for the doorway,
Don't leave!

Anyways, I have a lot to ponder. I feel loved though. I can feel His love. Either way.

Peace & Blessings

Let's think about "tolerance"

Tolerance. Webster's defines it as such:

The allowable deviation from a standard;

But ALSO as:

Sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own.

I feel like in our culture, it has transformed more into the first than the second. Just think, how many times have you heard people say about someone in a class or at work, "I tolerate him/her." People never say this about people they really like or relate to, ever notice that? No one says they tolerate their friends.

Yet "tolerance" is this big thing now for so many things - the LGBT community, different religions, and even just for different ways people live their lives.

What has tolerance become but a way to get by with little conflict? The way we use the word on an everyday basis is "putting up with" rather than "empathizing with." Tolerance, in our culture, has nothing to do with love. It has given us a way out of the struggle to love people we differ from.

Personally, I'd be offended if someone said they tolerated my beliefs, because to me, that means they're just brushing them aside and not giving a rat's ass about it.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. I'd never really considered the meaning of tolerance before.

Peace & Blessings

Introversion?

I've always been sort of an attention hog, from a young age. BUT, only with people I knew. Elementary, middle, and high school was filled with answering questions in class, but only talking to the people I knew and having a hard time talking to boys (yes...I was that girl that was baffled when a guy I found attractive talked to me. "Umm....hehehe").

So when I got to college and actually was able to socialize normally and enjoyed meeting new people for the most part, I sort of just assumed I was becoming an extrovert! And man, was I relieved. 

But this summer....I completely and utterly found out I was wrong. I'm still introverted. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is okay. That, yes, maybe I need time to myself to normalize, to think things over, to "recharge." But what's so bad about that? A lot of people are this way. And, hey, it saves me from wanting to go to parties where I don't really know anyone and drink just because that's what's happening. There's one thing I can be happy about. 

Duna (my roommate) and I talked about it last night and I guess made sense of the fact that we both are a bit of introverts. Or maybe, too, we've just grown tired of all the bull that goes down on campus. Sorry that we don't want to get schwasted every weekend night and stay up doing nonsense til late and consequently wasting the next day with sleeping in and hangovers. SORRY. (not sorry)

Random...:

"Element" by Matthew Mayfield just came on, and this one hit me:

'Cause I'm human, 

and I'm selfish;

got the feeling

I should deal with this,

but I'm hiding

and no one knows...

I've let myself become entangled in "me, myself, and I." It's been a constant my whole life...what do I want? How can I make myself look better? How can I become and remain the center of attention? How can I make my life more comfortable? 

It's something that sickens me to see in other people, but have I been blind to my own self-centeredness? It seems as though I have. For a long time now, I've been thinking that I'm very selfless. I like helping people, I give my time to mission trips, volunteering, etc...but that's all worthless if all I'm doing it for is me and to boost how other people see me (this isn't totally true, but I know that some of this is in me). 

If anything is my downfall, it will be my selfishness & pride. 

I've noticed in church recently that when I'm singing supposed praises to our King, I'm more focused on my voice and how other people might see me worshipping. Should I raise my hands here? Should I be making a more pained facial expression? Maybe I should look like I'm getting really into the song. Am I jealous of the people in rows around me that are doing all these things? Am I perhaps jealous of their relationship with God, how they seem to be able to get so much more from these words and these melodies than I can? Why can't I just do that?

I feel often that God must be frustrated with me and all my feeble attempts to be with Him. Why? Because the focus is always on ME. How this relationship with Him will make ME better, MY life and future will get sorted out, I will feel safe...etc. I know He doesn't feel this way, He just loves me and is patiently waiting for me to ask for help or run to Him (or help in running to Him). But every time I think about this, I despise myself just a little bit more because I feel so proud and stubborn and unclean. Like, what is wrong with me that I can't be with Him...

But I know He wouldn't want me to think of myself that way. I know that. 

God, show me how to leave this selfish, proud child behind and become a faithful woman. Please...it's somewhat exhausting being all about me. And I hate it.

Make me comfortable and joyful in any and every situation I am in. Whether I have nothing or plenty. Whether I am alone or surrounded with friends and family. Whether I am in a relationship or it is only You. Help me not just be "okay," but really live. Live for you, for others, for love. Help me to see and love the world the way that you see and love them. Take care of me when I can't see the finish line. Help me live with compassion for others. Help me live out Your Word. Help me