I feel like Peter. Peter the disciple of Jesus in the Bible.
Have you ever had that? Where you read about or find out about people's actions and you know exactly what they were thinking? That you would have been right there with that person? You feel this strange connection that you can't explain and even though you're separated by so much time and space, you feel like you're understood.
That's how I've been feeling for a few months now, with Peter. What sparked it, you might ask? A few things.
1) I'm a "do-er," meaning I like to take action and I learn by doing things. So when Mary Magdalene came to the disciples on the third day after Jesus' death and told them the tomb was empty, and Peter took off running to the tomb to see for himself (Luke 24:12), it just felt right. Like of course you would run there immediately. Also with this, Peter didn't want to just see miracles happen, he wanted to be a part of it himself. He wanted to DO. So, when the disciples saw Jesus coming to them on the water, Peter calls out and asks if he can come to Jesus on the water too (Matthew 14:22-33). He loses faith (which also resonates) and Jesus must save him, but he wants with all his heart to believe and do it too.
2) Peter did not hesitate to question. He was curious and didn't see any point in waiting to ask, maybe since Jesus was right there with Him (example, Matthew 18:21). I understand this- I'm curious and figure I might as well just ask.
3) Peter often acts rashly and makes mistakes. The time I was most reminded of this was when they were in the garden of Gethsemane the night Jesus was betrayed; Peter sees the guards going in for Jesus and cuts off one of their ears (John 18:10), for which Jesus rebukes him. I've done many things without thinking or asking, simply on a whim that they will advance Christ's efforts. I understand that.
A week ago, I decided to look into it a little more and did some researching via Google (thank you, internet!). Not to my surprise, I found a lot more similarities.
1) I think Jesus knew that Peter needed a little something extra, needed to see a few more miracles than perhaps the other disciples did to really understand. Jesus always brought Peter along with him, whether it was to witness miracles or the transfiguration. Jesus so badly wanted to help Peter understand who He was and what He was doing here on the earth. Sometimes I feel God is doing this with me.
2) Peter is a little proud. He seems to not want to receive anything that he doesn't deserve- or that someone else should be giving. The most salient example of this is when Jesus goes to wash the disciple's feet in John 13. When it comes to Peter, he can't imagine how it would be right for Jesus to wash his feet- I think it even makes him uncomfortable. It seems he has a hard time receiving things, which I totally get. It's difficult for me to receive compliments, favors, or help with nearly anything. In reference to the latter, it is because of some pride. Also, Peter, after refusing to have his feet washed, asks then for his whole body to be cleansed, as though he needs assurance in his salvation after having these doubts or hearing from Jesus that Peter is in the wrong. I feel I try to make up for things all the time after I'm wrong, to make sure I'm okay.
3) Jesus may also have known that Peter needed some repetition to learn or transition, much as I do in a lot of areas of my life. Before Jesus left for heaven, He asked Peter three times if Peter loved Him, and if so, that he was to "feed His sheep." Peter gets a little annoyed by the third time and tells Jesus that He knows that Peter does love Him. (John 21:14-17) When I feel like I'm in the same battle again and again, I do get a little annoyed and often tell God, hey, I've already learned this...why do I have to go through this pain again? when really I've got myself back into the same situation of my own accord. Sometimes I really need things drilled into my head before I finally understand and have learned.
4) Peter had to know. When Jesus was arrested, even after all the other disciples fled, Peter followed Jesus and his captors. Though he denied Jesus three times (like he was told he would; Luke 22:54-62), he did follow and did feel an incredible amount of shame from the denials- wept bitterly. Again, this is a curious mind yet a sometimes fickle outward show. I feel that.
5) I've often felt as though I am deep in the middle of a spiritual battle. I feel the pull of each side very strongly, and sometimes in a very real way. Jesus says to Peter one time that Satan has wanted to "sift all of [them] as wheat," (Luke 22:31-32), but that Jesus has prayed for Peter and asks him to strengthen his brothers when he "turns back." Just like I'm sure it reassured Peter, it is wonderful to know that Jesus is on our side and is protecting us from the devil.
I love this. It makes me feel understood and closer to Jesus than I have many times before. It also reminds me that there is always room for improvement, always ways to grow. There is no endpoint in faith- rather, it is a journey.
I encourage you all to get into the Word and really connect with the words and the characters. Read between the lines- I always feel so much emotion emanating from the pages when I read. Think of it less of a book and more of an interactive story. Sure, the tales and histories are old, but I think there is truth in all of them that we encounter every day!
Much love,
Peace & Blessings
[A lot of these similarities were pointed out to me by one website in specific, thanks to The Master's Prayer Network and their character studies!]
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Humbled & Amazed
You know what's humbling? Faith. Also? Hope. Why?
Because the two don't focus on "YOU" at all.
We have an object of faith. We have a hope for something greater to occur. Neither of these are borne of us or anything that we can do or think to do.
For me, it's recently become very humbling. Partially due to the realization that faith and hope have an object...but the other part due to finally coming to understand that I cannot make all these things in my life happen. I cannot personally change the world. I alone cannot change people. I cannot rid the people around me of greed, vanity, and hatred, partially because I cannot rid myself of these repulsive tendencies. (Perhaps that is why I am feeling so bitter towards others these days...because I am projecting my worst qualities on them...but that's for another day.) What I hope for? I have no means to the end. Not by myself, at least.
Where did this all come from? I think it's been wrestling for a spot in my mind's eye for quite a while. But what finally got it there was 1) thoughts in a book (Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, a very interesting and mind opening read), and 2) this past Sunday's message.
Before you read all this below, I want to say something. Yes, most of this is just my thoughts and how God has shaped my life recently. But I hope you can take some truths out of it. I don't want this to be about me. I think the lessons I'm learning are some of what we all learn. It's what God is doing, not what I am.
We just began a sermon series on Philippians on Sunday, and the first question struck me hard. "What do you have full confidence in? Think about it for a second, then tell someone sitting next to you. Go on! Do it!"
I don't know how everyone else felt, but as I started going through a list of possibilities, then reached the end of that list with nothing concrete, I had no idea what to say. I felt I should have an answer, so I said my family (if you're reading this, I love you guys, you're not just a backup but let me explain!), which is so often true. Had you asked me this at the end of last school year, I would have quickly said my intelligence or my grades. Perhaps with a hint of pride, but not gloating. (I've fought that, and I don't want to be like that.) Probably friends and family too.
I hesitate to say that everything has changed, but it's honestly the truth.
To preface this, nothing horrible has happened that has ripped me away from these things. God has just helped me come to realize my fearful grip I've had on all these things because I was so scared that if I lost them, then who would I be...my grip was there for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to secure myself an identity that I could ultimately control, one that was safe and unchanging.
What a lie we've all told ourselves- that we can control it all. That things don't have to change if we are careful enough. That if we grip onto something or someone on this earth tight enough that they'll never leave and we'll never have to question who we are without them.
As the last semester for many of my friends begins, and my second to last one, CHANGE is now the looming thundercloud on the horizon. People are moving on with their lives, becoming "real people" as we call them, and I'm not always going to live in the same apartment as them or a few blocks away from them. Next year I'll be responsible for all bills, insurances, you name it, it'll be my problem then. I won't have my parents and family there any longer telling me that I can be whatever I want to be and they'll support me 100% because I'm already supposed to be that person and I don't even know where I'll be in a year...and honestly I don't know where I want to be.
My whole life I've been clinging to things so that I don't have to do it all on my own. And all those things are going to be different in four months, in a year. And, over the last year, God has been slowly and gently, albeit painfully, prying my fingers loose from each object or person.
1) My grades. No longer am I a straight A or even A- student. At first, it killed me on the inside, hurt me much more than I'd care to divulge. But I've been shown that my identity does not rest on a 4.0 GPA. My worth is not found in being at the top of my class. And I'm okay with that for the first time in my entire life.
2) My friends. I've had a rough year with staying in contact, being a good friend, and seeing good friends on the reg. I didn't know what was going on in a lot of my friends' lives, and started feeling apathy because to me, I had failed. Yes, many of my friends I've made here and some in high school will be friends for life. But my identity is also not found in them (though I love you and care for you all dearly). Though they'll always be a phone call away, lives get busy and who knows if we'll even be in the same countries in 2 years time...but I've finally realized that this is no reason for apathy. No reason to be reserved and pull back for fear it'll hurt on "goodbye." I will love them and know them while I have the time, but I will not depend on them for my knowledge of myself. And that is healthy.
3) My family. I love my family more than anything here on this earth. But I've been challenged more this year by their doubts of my future plans, dreams, whatever. (To those of you who are reading this- I am not mad about your doubts, and if you haven't doubted or thought I'm crazy then thank you, but thank you to those who do think I'm crazy too.) Yeah, I've been fickle in my last few years of "what I want to be when I grow up." Yeah, I've sounded crazy, and my family gets the worst of it because I figure they're the only people who can't leave me or stop loving me even if I am insane. Which isn't exactly true but it's been what I've chosen to believe. But I digress...I've finally come to terms with the fact that if God is calling me to something, or if I feel so strongly about something I must do- not even my family should be able to stop me. I cannot live my life people-pleasing any longer, because rarely is people-pleasing- in the sense we see it- also God-pleasing. To have my identity stretched so many different ways is not healthy, nor will it form me into the person God would have me to be.
4) A romantic relationship. For so long I've dreamed of my "perfect man" coming along and making everything okay. And now I cannot believe that for all this time I have been so completely and utterly wrong. My life does not begin when I fall in love, get married, etc...and my identity is certainly not molded by the men in my life. God has been trying to teach me this gently, but sometimes it's taken some tough love to lead me to the truth. I've thought I'd found "him" a couple times. But then my strength slips and all I am is consumed by this person and I forget who I am and who the real Him is. I forget that God is THE perfect man, in Jesus Christ, and that no earthly man will ever make me whole like He can. God has been telling me for so long that now is not my time...at least not for the last couple years. I've fought it for a long time, but am finally starting to accept it. I said this a couple years ago, and it still rings true: I want to fall in love with God before I fall in love with a man here. Maybe it will be a somewhat tandem thing. Who knows. But right now I am investing in God.
And perhaps this has all been leading up to now. Perhaps I am just now seeing the puzzle pieces fitting together, even if it's just a minute section of the puzzle that is my life. God is stringing me down, just like I've been asking. Prying my fingers loose and making Him the one solid person/thing I could cling to.
Ha. Funny thing is, I'd been hesitant for so long in asking for this, for being completely "in" when I was asking Him for this, because I thought He was going to make it something extremely drastic, like everything and everyone around me completely gone. Maybe I was expecting the book of Job. But maybe He didn't think that would be right in my life. Reliance only when I had literally nothing left that I could turn to...I don't think that is the kind of reliance He wanted from me. He knew that I probably needed to learn to rely on Him even when I did have a choice to still grab on to something else, even if that "something else" wasn't perfect. So He helped by partially tearing some things down but not completely- training me IN the battlefield. All this makes me reminiscent of the movie Evan Almighty when "God" in the form of Morgan Freeman is talking to Evan's wife about what she expected from God when she asked for her family to be closer. For my life, it sounds more like this: When you ask God for increased faith in and reliance on Him, is He going to just give that to you, or give you the opportunity to develop it?
Mind. Blown. I'm just realizing all this now.
I am so humbled by this. How He has so beautifully crafted all of this craziness and things this year that I have hated and that have depressed me...He has done all these things to prepare me for what is next, to grow my faith and my reliance on Him. How He has shown me that it is not me, that it is HIM that will make a difference in this world, but I am able and blessed to be able to be His hands and feet. And hope in a better world and a plan for my life? Awesome. Humbling to know that a) it is not up to me to make miracles happen, and b) it never was up to me because I couldn't do it alone anyways. Plus, if He would do all of this...line all of this up just so I could learn a little more about faith...then how could I ever doubt that He has an awesome-amazing-super-fantastic plan for the rest of my days here??
You know what all this does, too? Makes me love Him. Makes me want to rely on Him, rather than thinking that, well, who else do I have?
And to bring it back to the question in service of what I have confidence in...as I came to the end of my list with nothing, I didn't feel despair. I wanted to feel despair...in fact, I think I tried to conjure it up. It was what I expected to feel.
What did I feel instead? Peace. Relief. A strange sense that I had come a long way, that I was on the right path and I was moving forward. It's kind of all hitting me now, because in that moment I think I was so confused by these good emotions when expecting the bad.
Like God had loosened my fingers on all the things here, and I was starting to place my confidence in Him, in something heavenly, instead.
I've still got a lot of learning to do and a lot of improvements to make (as well as a lot of mistakes along the way), but God is here with me to grow me and care for me.
And that, my friends, is something utterly fantastic.
Peace & Blessings
[...we have to face the clouds to see the silver lining...("what faith can do", kutless) - look it up!]
Because the two don't focus on "YOU" at all.
We have an object of faith. We have a hope for something greater to occur. Neither of these are borne of us or anything that we can do or think to do.
For me, it's recently become very humbling. Partially due to the realization that faith and hope have an object...but the other part due to finally coming to understand that I cannot make all these things in my life happen. I cannot personally change the world. I alone cannot change people. I cannot rid the people around me of greed, vanity, and hatred, partially because I cannot rid myself of these repulsive tendencies. (Perhaps that is why I am feeling so bitter towards others these days...because I am projecting my worst qualities on them...but that's for another day.) What I hope for? I have no means to the end. Not by myself, at least.
Where did this all come from? I think it's been wrestling for a spot in my mind's eye for quite a while. But what finally got it there was 1) thoughts in a book (Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, a very interesting and mind opening read), and 2) this past Sunday's message.
Before you read all this below, I want to say something. Yes, most of this is just my thoughts and how God has shaped my life recently. But I hope you can take some truths out of it. I don't want this to be about me. I think the lessons I'm learning are some of what we all learn. It's what God is doing, not what I am.
We just began a sermon series on Philippians on Sunday, and the first question struck me hard. "What do you have full confidence in? Think about it for a second, then tell someone sitting next to you. Go on! Do it!"
I don't know how everyone else felt, but as I started going through a list of possibilities, then reached the end of that list with nothing concrete, I had no idea what to say. I felt I should have an answer, so I said my family (if you're reading this, I love you guys, you're not just a backup but let me explain!), which is so often true. Had you asked me this at the end of last school year, I would have quickly said my intelligence or my grades. Perhaps with a hint of pride, but not gloating. (I've fought that, and I don't want to be like that.) Probably friends and family too.
I hesitate to say that everything has changed, but it's honestly the truth.
To preface this, nothing horrible has happened that has ripped me away from these things. God has just helped me come to realize my fearful grip I've had on all these things because I was so scared that if I lost them, then who would I be...my grip was there for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to secure myself an identity that I could ultimately control, one that was safe and unchanging.
What a lie we've all told ourselves- that we can control it all. That things don't have to change if we are careful enough. That if we grip onto something or someone on this earth tight enough that they'll never leave and we'll never have to question who we are without them.
As the last semester for many of my friends begins, and my second to last one, CHANGE is now the looming thundercloud on the horizon. People are moving on with their lives, becoming "real people" as we call them, and I'm not always going to live in the same apartment as them or a few blocks away from them. Next year I'll be responsible for all bills, insurances, you name it, it'll be my problem then. I won't have my parents and family there any longer telling me that I can be whatever I want to be and they'll support me 100% because I'm already supposed to be that person and I don't even know where I'll be in a year...and honestly I don't know where I want to be.
My whole life I've been clinging to things so that I don't have to do it all on my own. And all those things are going to be different in four months, in a year. And, over the last year, God has been slowly and gently, albeit painfully, prying my fingers loose from each object or person.
1) My grades. No longer am I a straight A or even A- student. At first, it killed me on the inside, hurt me much more than I'd care to divulge. But I've been shown that my identity does not rest on a 4.0 GPA. My worth is not found in being at the top of my class. And I'm okay with that for the first time in my entire life.
2) My friends. I've had a rough year with staying in contact, being a good friend, and seeing good friends on the reg. I didn't know what was going on in a lot of my friends' lives, and started feeling apathy because to me, I had failed. Yes, many of my friends I've made here and some in high school will be friends for life. But my identity is also not found in them (though I love you and care for you all dearly). Though they'll always be a phone call away, lives get busy and who knows if we'll even be in the same countries in 2 years time...but I've finally realized that this is no reason for apathy. No reason to be reserved and pull back for fear it'll hurt on "goodbye." I will love them and know them while I have the time, but I will not depend on them for my knowledge of myself. And that is healthy.
3) My family. I love my family more than anything here on this earth. But I've been challenged more this year by their doubts of my future plans, dreams, whatever. (To those of you who are reading this- I am not mad about your doubts, and if you haven't doubted or thought I'm crazy then thank you, but thank you to those who do think I'm crazy too.) Yeah, I've been fickle in my last few years of "what I want to be when I grow up." Yeah, I've sounded crazy, and my family gets the worst of it because I figure they're the only people who can't leave me or stop loving me even if I am insane. Which isn't exactly true but it's been what I've chosen to believe. But I digress...I've finally come to terms with the fact that if God is calling me to something, or if I feel so strongly about something I must do- not even my family should be able to stop me. I cannot live my life people-pleasing any longer, because rarely is people-pleasing- in the sense we see it- also God-pleasing. To have my identity stretched so many different ways is not healthy, nor will it form me into the person God would have me to be.
4) A romantic relationship. For so long I've dreamed of my "perfect man" coming along and making everything okay. And now I cannot believe that for all this time I have been so completely and utterly wrong. My life does not begin when I fall in love, get married, etc...and my identity is certainly not molded by the men in my life. God has been trying to teach me this gently, but sometimes it's taken some tough love to lead me to the truth. I've thought I'd found "him" a couple times. But then my strength slips and all I am is consumed by this person and I forget who I am and who the real Him is. I forget that God is THE perfect man, in Jesus Christ, and that no earthly man will ever make me whole like He can. God has been telling me for so long that now is not my time...at least not for the last couple years. I've fought it for a long time, but am finally starting to accept it. I said this a couple years ago, and it still rings true: I want to fall in love with God before I fall in love with a man here. Maybe it will be a somewhat tandem thing. Who knows. But right now I am investing in God.
And perhaps this has all been leading up to now. Perhaps I am just now seeing the puzzle pieces fitting together, even if it's just a minute section of the puzzle that is my life. God is stringing me down, just like I've been asking. Prying my fingers loose and making Him the one solid person/thing I could cling to.
Ha. Funny thing is, I'd been hesitant for so long in asking for this, for being completely "in" when I was asking Him for this, because I thought He was going to make it something extremely drastic, like everything and everyone around me completely gone. Maybe I was expecting the book of Job. But maybe He didn't think that would be right in my life. Reliance only when I had literally nothing left that I could turn to...I don't think that is the kind of reliance He wanted from me. He knew that I probably needed to learn to rely on Him even when I did have a choice to still grab on to something else, even if that "something else" wasn't perfect. So He helped by partially tearing some things down but not completely- training me IN the battlefield. All this makes me reminiscent of the movie Evan Almighty when "God" in the form of Morgan Freeman is talking to Evan's wife about what she expected from God when she asked for her family to be closer. For my life, it sounds more like this: When you ask God for increased faith in and reliance on Him, is He going to just give that to you, or give you the opportunity to develop it?
Mind. Blown. I'm just realizing all this now.
I am so humbled by this. How He has so beautifully crafted all of this craziness and things this year that I have hated and that have depressed me...He has done all these things to prepare me for what is next, to grow my faith and my reliance on Him. How He has shown me that it is not me, that it is HIM that will make a difference in this world, but I am able and blessed to be able to be His hands and feet. And hope in a better world and a plan for my life? Awesome. Humbling to know that a) it is not up to me to make miracles happen, and b) it never was up to me because I couldn't do it alone anyways. Plus, if He would do all of this...line all of this up just so I could learn a little more about faith...then how could I ever doubt that He has an awesome-amazing-super-fantastic plan for the rest of my days here??
You know what all this does, too? Makes me love Him. Makes me want to rely on Him, rather than thinking that, well, who else do I have?
And to bring it back to the question in service of what I have confidence in...as I came to the end of my list with nothing, I didn't feel despair. I wanted to feel despair...in fact, I think I tried to conjure it up. It was what I expected to feel.
What did I feel instead? Peace. Relief. A strange sense that I had come a long way, that I was on the right path and I was moving forward. It's kind of all hitting me now, because in that moment I think I was so confused by these good emotions when expecting the bad.
Like God had loosened my fingers on all the things here, and I was starting to place my confidence in Him, in something heavenly, instead.
I've still got a lot of learning to do and a lot of improvements to make (as well as a lot of mistakes along the way), but God is here with me to grow me and care for me.
And that, my friends, is something utterly fantastic.
Peace & Blessings
[...we have to face the clouds to see the silver lining...("what faith can do", kutless) - look it up!]
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Exciting updates!
I forgot to mention something very important in my last post, probably because I was dead tired (but had to get those thoughts out).
But...I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! This summer I will be in Honduras serving as a ministry intern for a program called LT, or Leadership Training. Two months of learning how to lead, serving the community, and growing in my faith by putting myself in a place and position that is entirely uncomfortable. Two months of trusting that God not only can, but he will, of discerning if a life of ministry tied to out-of-country service is feasible. In that way, it's killing two birds with one stone:
1) For a while now, at least from the end of my high school career, I've felt a calling or some sort of urging towards working with people in some place other than the USA.
However, this internship looks a little different than others. It's "paid"- but by support raising. That means I need help! Not only do I need help, but I need a whole lot of faith and trust in God. I think that is going to be the most challenging part, but also the aspect I will get the most out of. I am nervous but extremely excited to see how God grows my relationship with Him over these next few months as I rely on Him to provide (through His beautiful servants and angels here on earth)!
Here's where it starts. I am attending an Intern Conference on "Ministry Team Development," aka support raising, January 18-20 right here in Columbus, and there they will help me with the logistics and the basics of raising money to get me to Honduras.
I've calculated it and it seems I will need to raise around $7500 for my time there. This includes the cost of the program itself (lodging, meals, the intern training), pay each week, and my flight there and back. It seems like a lot, I know, and it does terrify me to think about. EEEK! But, God is good. God is faithful and if He truly has called me here and really wants me there, He will make it happen- of that I am 100% positive. :)
I've been super encouraged by hearing about websites that help people like me reach out into the community to raise money for their causes and ambitions. Well, I am going to check out that scene! I am in the process right now of setting up a Fundly account and will have a link posted on here soon. Aahhh! And here is the link to my Fundly page!
And, if you keep up with my blog here, I'm going to be doing a series of posts over the next few weeks (and beyond) to tell you all a little more about me, about what God's been teaching or showing me, and the things I dream about doing in the future. I would never want you guys to blindly support me without knowing all there is to know. (Also, always feel free to comment and ask questions.) If you want more information about GCM (the ministry organization that leads my church, h2o, in Columbus, OH, and who leads the LT programs) or about Honduras LT specifically, click on the links on their names!
I cannot WAIT to see where God takes this support raising and how He transforms my heart over the next few months!
Much Love,
Peace & Blessings
But...I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! This summer I will be in Honduras serving as a ministry intern for a program called LT, or Leadership Training. Two months of learning how to lead, serving the community, and growing in my faith by putting myself in a place and position that is entirely uncomfortable. Two months of trusting that God not only can, but he will, of discerning if a life of ministry tied to out-of-country service is feasible. In that way, it's killing two birds with one stone:
1) For a while now, at least from the end of my high school career, I've felt a calling or some sort of urging towards working with people in some place other than the USA.
Now, I want to be sure you know something. A lot of people have talked to me/asked me about this. I know that there are many people that need our help right here in the US. I am not denying this by saying that I want to go elsewhere. In ten years, I might very well be in the heart of Detroit or in some rural community in Appalachia. But right now, my heart is not in this country. This is part of why I am so excited about going to Honduras. To see if this is where my heart is drawn, in reality and not just in thought; to see how out-of-country mission work looks.2) I've also felt, and this is more recently, called to ministry. When I finally completely opened up to God this past October and got baptized, I started really listening for the first time in a while. And what I heard was actually something I'd had in the back of my mind for quite some time and something quite a few people have suggested to me...seminary. For the first time, it seemed like something I really wanted and something I really felt called to, instead of before just being some little option when I retired. I'd always thought too, if I was going to do some out-of-country mission/service work long-term, I would want some sort of professional training and additional Biblical knowledge before I went out there on my own (of course, with God, but I suppose I'd wanted to have it all backed up...smart or "ye of little faith"?). Don't know why I never seriously considered seminary. But anyways, this trip will also put me in a leadership position within the church and allow me to see what it looks like to serve by leading.
However, this internship looks a little different than others. It's "paid"- but by support raising. That means I need help! Not only do I need help, but I need a whole lot of faith and trust in God. I think that is going to be the most challenging part, but also the aspect I will get the most out of. I am nervous but extremely excited to see how God grows my relationship with Him over these next few months as I rely on Him to provide (through His beautiful servants and angels here on earth)!
Here's where it starts. I am attending an Intern Conference on "Ministry Team Development," aka support raising, January 18-20 right here in Columbus, and there they will help me with the logistics and the basics of raising money to get me to Honduras.
I've calculated it and it seems I will need to raise around $7500 for my time there. This includes the cost of the program itself (lodging, meals, the intern training), pay each week, and my flight there and back. It seems like a lot, I know, and it does terrify me to think about. EEEK! But, God is good. God is faithful and if He truly has called me here and really wants me there, He will make it happen- of that I am 100% positive. :)
I've been super encouraged by hearing about websites that help people like me reach out into the community to raise money for their causes and ambitions. Well, I am going to check out that scene! I am in the process right now of setting up a Fundly account and will have a link posted on here soon. Aahhh! And here is the link to my Fundly page!
And, if you keep up with my blog here, I'm going to be doing a series of posts over the next few weeks (and beyond) to tell you all a little more about me, about what God's been teaching or showing me, and the things I dream about doing in the future. I would never want you guys to blindly support me without knowing all there is to know. (Also, always feel free to comment and ask questions.) If you want more information about GCM (the ministry organization that leads my church, h2o, in Columbus, OH, and who leads the LT programs) or about Honduras LT specifically, click on the links on their names!
I cannot WAIT to see where God takes this support raising and how He transforms my heart over the next few months!
Much Love,
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, December 29, 2013
"I'll take your place...
...when the world ends, and you'll take Mine.
'Cause when it all ends, I want you to be free- free like [I made you to be]."
Cary Brothers, 'Free Like You Make Me'
It's a love story, isn't it?
A love story, starring God. It's really all about Him anyways. We, mankind, are the undeserving woman, but one He pursues and sacrificed to save. We are the proud, forcibly independent, unfaithful woman that may never love Him back or understand His goodness and reasoning behind it all, that He chooses to love anyways. He blesses us in so many ways and we choose to call it 'coincidence' or 'luck.' We live as though bound, as though our life is our own...when we should live freely, as we were made to live; without fear of death, for what is to come is a clean bill.
He's not asking us to sit around and be boring. This whole world is His, meaning, because we are heirs, that the whole world is ours. If we explore, if we just go and we learn, or we grow, or we touch others lives or they touch ours, tell me what part of that is bad? I was realizing this as I was watching the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty this evening.
1) It's not about us finding out that we have this amazing talent that someone else has that we think is really cool. We find what we are supposed to do. What we excel at. Be you, not someone else.
2) There are people that will help us on our way. They might not be the people we expect, or society expects/approves of, but they are there for a reason.
3) The biggest thing holding you back is yourself. If you keep saying or thinking that you can't do something, you'll never try. Sometimes you gotta let go a little and just ride. You're more than you know.
4) There isn't some one "right way" to do life. Sure, a lot of people have this specific life order and yeah most people follow it but it's truthfully different for everyone. So, you don't want to do anything with your degree. So, you don't have an immediate plan for when you graduate. End of the world? NO. Now keep telling yourself that. And don't give up.
5) God is here for you. HERE. Not waiting at the end to see if you make it down the "right path" or not. He's here every step of the way. And He loves you just like the confused person you are.
He made us to be free. So why do we act and feel so tied up all the time? WE'RE FREE.
Peace & Blessings
'Cause when it all ends, I want you to be free- free like [I made you to be]."
Cary Brothers, 'Free Like You Make Me'
It's a love story, isn't it?
A love story, starring God. It's really all about Him anyways. We, mankind, are the undeserving woman, but one He pursues and sacrificed to save. We are the proud, forcibly independent, unfaithful woman that may never love Him back or understand His goodness and reasoning behind it all, that He chooses to love anyways. He blesses us in so many ways and we choose to call it 'coincidence' or 'luck.' We live as though bound, as though our life is our own...when we should live freely, as we were made to live; without fear of death, for what is to come is a clean bill.
He's not asking us to sit around and be boring. This whole world is His, meaning, because we are heirs, that the whole world is ours. If we explore, if we just go and we learn, or we grow, or we touch others lives or they touch ours, tell me what part of that is bad? I was realizing this as I was watching the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty this evening.
1) It's not about us finding out that we have this amazing talent that someone else has that we think is really cool. We find what we are supposed to do. What we excel at. Be you, not someone else.
2) There are people that will help us on our way. They might not be the people we expect, or society expects/approves of, but they are there for a reason.
3) The biggest thing holding you back is yourself. If you keep saying or thinking that you can't do something, you'll never try. Sometimes you gotta let go a little and just ride. You're more than you know.
4) There isn't some one "right way" to do life. Sure, a lot of people have this specific life order and yeah most people follow it but it's truthfully different for everyone. So, you don't want to do anything with your degree. So, you don't have an immediate plan for when you graduate. End of the world? NO. Now keep telling yourself that. And don't give up.
5) God is here for you. HERE. Not waiting at the end to see if you make it down the "right path" or not. He's here every step of the way. And He loves you just like the confused person you are.
He made us to be free. So why do we act and feel so tied up all the time? WE'RE FREE.
Peace & Blessings
Monday, December 9, 2013
Reasons why...
...I haven't been updating my blog. I made a promise to myself that I was going to post more often, mostly because I'm excited about blogging but also because I want people to know my heart, and even more, God's heart for the world.
As I sat down to post on Saturday, I realized I had way too much to say. Which got my gears turning...leading to a bigger project that I've been spending my time on. But I'm not revealing anything yet! (Mostly, in case I fail, I don't want anyone to know what exactly, or to what extent, I failed at it.)
It's been hard to gather my thoughts. What I'll say though, is that it all started with a song. A song called "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen. A song that is raw and real and is this guy Noah simply asking God questions. He's really troubled by a lot of what he's learned from growing up in the church, and the liberal changes in society and what Jesus would have to say about all of it.
They are questions that so many people nowadays are asking.
It really got me thinking. Then I wondered about how people feel about this God that they don't even admit they might believe in...and realized that most people are mad. Most people are really angry at God, for a whole variety of reasons. I want to address this because anger at God is something that everyone, I think, has experienced, whether they are a strong Bible-based Christian, atheist, or Muslim (etc).
We've all been mad at Him.
Why?
Reason #1: We don't understand His character.
Reason #2: We don't understand His plan; we have a very short-sighted perspective.
Reason #3: We think we deserve something from Him.
Reason #4: You don't understand how a "loving" God could allow suffering in the world.
Reason #5: We are upset that He's just "barged" into our lives without our permission.
Reason #6: We can't understand why there would be so many religions claiming to be the right one. (Like, why couldn't He have made it clear?)
Reason #7: (Continuation of #6) We are upset that He says that there is only one way to heaven, and all other ways are futile and lead to hell.
Reason #8: Bad things have happened to some of the best people you know (or you), and you can't understand why.
Reason #9: You've been mistreated by a group of people who claim to love God.
Reason #10: We are mad about all the rules in the Old Testament, like against same sex interactions, or the practices that were "okay" back then, that God seemed to "support," like slavery.
There are, of course, more specific reasons, but I think these cover the majority. But I think the main reason people are mad at God is because we don't really understand Him. We don't understand the history of Him and us; His true, loving intentions/His heart for the world; what giving us "free will" meant for Him and for us; or that He has always been here, created us, gave His son to save us, so really doesn't owe us anything and is not some imposition on our lives. We don't understand that He is like a father and sometimes we have to try things and hurt ourselves to really learn the meaning of something or how to do it right.
But that's just a little snippet of what I've been working on. I'll keep sharing, of course!
Random, but admission time.....I've also realized that if I'm planning on attending seminary (and in general for morality's sake), I should probably stop with all the cussing. I don't know why I keep doing it or when I decided it was okay. Gah. It's hard to stop once you're used to it!
That's all for now. Back to studying! Much love.
Peace & Blessings
As I sat down to post on Saturday, I realized I had way too much to say. Which got my gears turning...leading to a bigger project that I've been spending my time on. But I'm not revealing anything yet! (Mostly, in case I fail, I don't want anyone to know what exactly, or to what extent, I failed at it.)
It's been hard to gather my thoughts. What I'll say though, is that it all started with a song. A song called "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen. A song that is raw and real and is this guy Noah simply asking God questions. He's really troubled by a lot of what he's learned from growing up in the church, and the liberal changes in society and what Jesus would have to say about all of it.
They are questions that so many people nowadays are asking.
It really got me thinking. Then I wondered about how people feel about this God that they don't even admit they might believe in...and realized that most people are mad. Most people are really angry at God, for a whole variety of reasons. I want to address this because anger at God is something that everyone, I think, has experienced, whether they are a strong Bible-based Christian, atheist, or Muslim (etc).
We've all been mad at Him.
Why?
Reason #1: We don't understand His character.
Reason #2: We don't understand His plan; we have a very short-sighted perspective.
Reason #3: We think we deserve something from Him.
Reason #4: You don't understand how a "loving" God could allow suffering in the world.
Reason #5: We are upset that He's just "barged" into our lives without our permission.
Reason #6: We can't understand why there would be so many religions claiming to be the right one. (Like, why couldn't He have made it clear?)
Reason #7: (Continuation of #6) We are upset that He says that there is only one way to heaven, and all other ways are futile and lead to hell.
Reason #8: Bad things have happened to some of the best people you know (or you), and you can't understand why.
Reason #9: You've been mistreated by a group of people who claim to love God.
Reason #10: We are mad about all the rules in the Old Testament, like against same sex interactions, or the practices that were "okay" back then, that God seemed to "support," like slavery.
There are, of course, more specific reasons, but I think these cover the majority. But I think the main reason people are mad at God is because we don't really understand Him. We don't understand the history of Him and us; His true, loving intentions/His heart for the world; what giving us "free will" meant for Him and for us; or that He has always been here, created us, gave His son to save us, so really doesn't owe us anything and is not some imposition on our lives. We don't understand that He is like a father and sometimes we have to try things and hurt ourselves to really learn the meaning of something or how to do it right.
But that's just a little snippet of what I've been working on. I'll keep sharing, of course!
Random, but admission time.....I've also realized that if I'm planning on attending seminary (and in general for morality's sake), I should probably stop with all the cussing. I don't know why I keep doing it or when I decided it was okay. Gah. It's hard to stop once you're used to it!
That's all for now. Back to studying! Much love.
Peace & Blessings
Monday, December 2, 2013
Meant to be- Packing Light
This is crazy.
So in my last post I wrote something I hadn't even meant to write- that I felt safe and comfortable here, but in all that there was still something yearning...like this wasn't it. There was something else.
And who would have guessed but that night, Tuesday night, I decided to listen to an audiobook I'd downloaded a week or so before, titled Packing Light by Allison Vesterfelt. First off, it was strange that I would have downloaded an ebook off Noise Trade anyways; I usually scroll right past those thinking, there's no way I have time to listen to a whole book so why bother? But the name of this one and the picture caught me- Packing Light and an overflowing suitcase. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about living minimalistically (which my computer is telling me is not a word, it probably should be minimally, but I'm keeping it). What do I really NEED? And when am I wanting something and not needing it? Do I really need 10 pairs of jeans and 20 sweatshirts? (Guilty...) Do I need two guitars? Do I need so many shoes? Do I really need to be eating out as often as I do?
What I'm realizing is that we treat our "wants" like our "needs," and so our true needs never get met. Unconditional love, a feeling of security, a sense of purpose (or that we're part of something bigger than ourselves), help (emotional or otherwise), a true friend to confide in....many of these are ignored or are things we shove to the back of our minds because most of them aren't tangible or we just don't have time for "feelings" or our other seemingly insignificant problems. We're an incredibly needy society that's been tricked into believing we need other things more.
Not to mention that we can't even address the problem because we're either scared to or we don't know where to start.
But I've gotten really off track. What I meant to say was that Allison's book was addressing just this- when do we have too much? Can we live with less? What does it mean to pack light? And what will we learn about ourselves when we're depending on God far more than we are depending on our own means to get us through the next day? What will we learn about God?
Gah, I wish I could listen to the book on repeat until the good messages fully sink in so deep that I can quote them.
The book meant a lot to me, in a lot of the same ways that Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller did a few months ago. It made me feel not so alone in all this, as I'm prone to feeling. That other people have had ideas as crazy as mine, but have actually acted on them and survived. Not only survived, but changed. For the better, that is. That other people are sitting in their comfortable lives as well and are still thinking, is there more? Well, is there?
It got me excited, in the way I get excited every time I hear a new song and decide that it would be a perfect staring-out-the-window-during-a-long-road-trip song. Excited because it was another example of how God really does provide for people that ask Him for that. I've always been worried about finances (been much more aware of it lately) and with the thought of support-raising for a possible summer in Honduras for a Leadership Training (LT) program I've been terrified. But if they can make it around the country on barely anything and have God provide through people, even absolute strangers, then I think He can provide for a two-month internship.
I could write about this book forever. I feel...different. Something inside of me has honestly shifted. I don't know what but I just feel different. In a good way. A healthy way. And it really does make me want to pursue God even more. It's just been hard to keep myself open to Him...my autopilot mode is to be closed off and it's been difficult changing that/adjusting. But He is good and faithful. I am in good hands (and it's not Allstate!).
Peace & Blessings
So in my last post I wrote something I hadn't even meant to write- that I felt safe and comfortable here, but in all that there was still something yearning...like this wasn't it. There was something else.
And who would have guessed but that night, Tuesday night, I decided to listen to an audiobook I'd downloaded a week or so before, titled Packing Light by Allison Vesterfelt. First off, it was strange that I would have downloaded an ebook off Noise Trade anyways; I usually scroll right past those thinking, there's no way I have time to listen to a whole book so why bother? But the name of this one and the picture caught me- Packing Light and an overflowing suitcase. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about living minimalistically (which my computer is telling me is not a word, it probably should be minimally, but I'm keeping it). What do I really NEED? And when am I wanting something and not needing it? Do I really need 10 pairs of jeans and 20 sweatshirts? (Guilty...) Do I need two guitars? Do I need so many shoes? Do I really need to be eating out as often as I do?
What I'm realizing is that we treat our "wants" like our "needs," and so our true needs never get met. Unconditional love, a feeling of security, a sense of purpose (or that we're part of something bigger than ourselves), help (emotional or otherwise), a true friend to confide in....many of these are ignored or are things we shove to the back of our minds because most of them aren't tangible or we just don't have time for "feelings" or our other seemingly insignificant problems. We're an incredibly needy society that's been tricked into believing we need other things more.
Not to mention that we can't even address the problem because we're either scared to or we don't know where to start.
But I've gotten really off track. What I meant to say was that Allison's book was addressing just this- when do we have too much? Can we live with less? What does it mean to pack light? And what will we learn about ourselves when we're depending on God far more than we are depending on our own means to get us through the next day? What will we learn about God?
Gah, I wish I could listen to the book on repeat until the good messages fully sink in so deep that I can quote them.
The book meant a lot to me, in a lot of the same ways that Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller did a few months ago. It made me feel not so alone in all this, as I'm prone to feeling. That other people have had ideas as crazy as mine, but have actually acted on them and survived. Not only survived, but changed. For the better, that is. That other people are sitting in their comfortable lives as well and are still thinking, is there more? Well, is there?
It got me excited, in the way I get excited every time I hear a new song and decide that it would be a perfect staring-out-the-window-during-a-long-road-trip song. Excited because it was another example of how God really does provide for people that ask Him for that. I've always been worried about finances (been much more aware of it lately) and with the thought of support-raising for a possible summer in Honduras for a Leadership Training (LT) program I've been terrified. But if they can make it around the country on barely anything and have God provide through people, even absolute strangers, then I think He can provide for a two-month internship.
I could write about this book forever. I feel...different. Something inside of me has honestly shifted. I don't know what but I just feel different. In a good way. A healthy way. And it really does make me want to pursue God even more. It's just been hard to keep myself open to Him...my autopilot mode is to be closed off and it's been difficult changing that/adjusting. But He is good and faithful. I am in good hands (and it's not Allstate!).
Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Still Transforming
The future feels more tangible now.
More fear is turning into faith.
But as the future becomes more tangible, so does the reality of leaving the people I love here in Columbus, in Wadsworth.
We like to keep things steady. Keep things the way they are because we feel safe in that place. I feel safe here...though not quite fulfilled. There's always something yearning, though I don't know exactly what for.
But I digress...what I actually meant to talk about was how excited I am about the changes I am seeing all around me (ironic, considering what I just said above). I have never felt God so much in one place. Through the stories of life transformation we hear at church every Sunday, seeing people respond to community needs and suffering all over the world, to people in h2o loving on each other just because. I see people with a constant burning passion for God, a passion that allows them to serve and love and live a life on mission. Every day I am seeing people slowly changing into the people God wants them to be. And that reminds me that this here, this is a beautiful world.
I think too much of the bad, of the selfish, and not enough of the good that you can see in little pockets of the world. And I think good deeds and love can be spread almost as easily as selfishness and hate.
I have to keep thinking that, or I'm scared that all hope is lost.
But it is a beautiful world because no matter what, God is still changing hearts. And those hearts can change others and before you know it, we're all loving on each other and supporting each other.
Much love. Peace & Blessings
More fear is turning into faith.
But as the future becomes more tangible, so does the reality of leaving the people I love here in Columbus, in Wadsworth.
We like to keep things steady. Keep things the way they are because we feel safe in that place. I feel safe here...though not quite fulfilled. There's always something yearning, though I don't know exactly what for.
But I digress...what I actually meant to talk about was how excited I am about the changes I am seeing all around me (ironic, considering what I just said above). I have never felt God so much in one place. Through the stories of life transformation we hear at church every Sunday, seeing people respond to community needs and suffering all over the world, to people in h2o loving on each other just because. I see people with a constant burning passion for God, a passion that allows them to serve and love and live a life on mission. Every day I am seeing people slowly changing into the people God wants them to be. And that reminds me that this here, this is a beautiful world.
I think too much of the bad, of the selfish, and not enough of the good that you can see in little pockets of the world. And I think good deeds and love can be spread almost as easily as selfishness and hate.
I have to keep thinking that, or I'm scared that all hope is lost.
But it is a beautiful world because no matter what, God is still changing hearts. And those hearts can change others and before you know it, we're all loving on each other and supporting each other.
Much love. Peace & Blessings
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