'Everything's gonna be alright...'

It's been a really tough year for me so far:  emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically.

I've realized a lot of things about myself that I'd ignored and run from for years- or just never put together in the first place.
Support raising for Honduras (for this summer) has been rewarding, in some aspects, and painful and terrifying in others. I have failed to trust God. I have relied on my own efforts. I have run from Him because I'm scared and when I get scared I shut off...
I have isolated myself more than ever because that is what looked to be the least painful.
I have hated myself and doubted that God could ever really change me and the ugliness I see in my heart.
I've struggled to know who I am and what I feel. I've felt immature in not knowing how to discern what I'm feeling; a severe challenge to my pride and how openly I interact with others.

But today...today maybe I am okay.
Because today at the church service I went to (C3: City Campus Church), I felt God answered some of my deepest questions with only a couple thoughts.

1) The redemptive love He showed on that cross is the defining moment of my life.

The defining moment...that means that I am defined. I am not some unsure being floating around, I am defined; and by a perfect LOVE, no less! Beyond that- I am cherished, chosen, an heir, forgiven, shown mercy, a daughter of the Perfect Creator, and so much more. I know I've heard this all before, but it never meant so much to me until now, never made so much sense. I don't have to keep wondering who I am. I am LOVED and I am HIS. 

2) Grace, His grace, can change who I am.

Like I said, I've hated "me" for a long while now. "Me" being all the worst qualities:  fickleness, how easy it is for me to lie to myself and others and to run away, to separate myself from others, my selfish pride, my need to know everything (so that I ultimately don't have to depend on anything or anyone), my 'all or nothing' mentality, my insane love for food, my wasting of time....BUT GUESS WHAT? This comes from the flesh side of me, the worldly, sinful side. And that is not truly me. I've doubted for so long that God could make me into a person that I'm not completely ashamed of. But to hear again that His GRACE really can change me...what a relief. It all hit me at once that yes, yes He really can do it. He really CAN change me into the woman he wants me to be.

So today, today I am okay.

If you're interested in watching the video ('Falling Plates') that went along with the service this morning (a depiction of creation, the fall, redemption, and re-creation), see it here. It's powerful and it hit me hard. Enjoy.

Peace & Blessings

An addition:

I really am weak. I've tried to do it all this semester without Him and I can't...I just can't do it all. I haven't been okay and I know why now. I am so weak- but that is okay. Because He is so strong. And He promised to carry me; all I have to do is trust Him. TRUST. What a beautiful, terrifying thing.

Embrace not accept

As usual, this was kicked off by a song. NEEDTOBREATHE's song "Let Us Love." The very first line hit me like a brick of lead:

We were born to EMBRACE not accept it...

Now you might be thinking that this is very vague. Yeah, it kind of is. But I was talking to someone this week who was saying that we don't usually think about just being thankful and in awe that God made a way for us to get to Him at all- no matter what way that is.

I'm going to take a step back and explain why it hit me in this way so hard.

So I've been dealing with all these doubts recently, about hell and what it means for Christians and non-Christians and trying to understand God's justice on a head and a heart level. (That's the extremely short version, you're very welcome.)

And lately I've been getting to the point of realizing that, you know what, as much as I would love it if God came down and gave me detailed answers to every single theological question I pose, that just isn't something that's going to happen (not that He couldn't, or doesn't want to, but it's just not going to happen). In the deepest parts of my heart and mind, I know that at the end of the day, I want to run to Him because I love Him and I know He loves me and He has died and done everything for me just so that I can be with Him. But on a more surface level, it is difficult for me to reconcile everything between my head and my heart. So, I've been wondering- do I just have to accept that this is the way it is? And when I say this, I almost say it with a hint of bitterness, or of "oh well, what other choice do I have?" Wow, that seems like no way to "just accept" everything that God and Christ has done for me, since the very beginning of time itself.

...coming back to the EMBRACE not ACCEPT thought. Shouldn't I be exceedingly thankful, joyful, and awed that my God has done so much for me and for every inhabitant of this earth, being so willing to sacrifice to forgive all our sins? Shouldn't I be over-excitedly hugging and praising rather than begrudgingly shaking hands and saying "well, if that's really how it has to be..."?

Answer:  YES. I need to take some time to reflect on how amazing my God is and how much he cares for each person on this crazy earth. I need time to focus on who He is- Love, Goodness, Justice, Joy...

I don't want to begrudgingly accept everything. I want to stand in awe and offer unending prayers of thanksgiving. BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT!!! He deserves the glory, no matter if it means I end up in heaven or not.

The analogy that my friend used was that God is on top of this mountain and we are all at the bottom. Now, there are many paths, but say only one leads to Him. Now maybe I start off on the wrong path and end in a dead end, and so do a lot of my friends. Am I going to be mad? Well, maybe a little at the time...BUT, I still know that there IS, in face, some way up the mountain. There is a way to God, and that in itself is AMAZING!!

But now my eyes tire, and at 2 blog posts in, I am pretty "talked" out. More food for thought.

If, somehow, we could wake up...let us love!
Peace & Blessings

Waiting on the day

I haven't written in a while, and I'm not sure why...my head is buzzing with a million things to say but it's hard to get them all sorted out- untangled enough to make sense to the general population.

But I've got something that's really been on my mind...

I feel like we're all waiting. Not for the same thing, exactly, but we're all waiting on something. Something that will come along and make everything okay. Make us happy, finally. Make life easier. Give us something to really work or live for.

The questions are:  what are we waiting on? Why that? And does it define us/what does it tell us about ourselves?

I'll tell you about what kicked this off- a John Mayer song. Now, I love his music. Many of his songs have hit me like not all songs can. This particular one, "Waiting on the Day," is off his newest album. Here's just the chorus:

When you'll be there for me baby
When you'll love me all the way
When you'll take my side in every little fire fight
When you'll hang your things and stay;
Oh, I'm waiting on the day.

But at the end, he questions it all. Now, I can't tell you for sure the thoughts behind his questioning, but to me it seems like he's wondering if that's even possible. Wondering, if just maybe, he's waiting for something that doesn't even exist...

Oh, can you do it baby?
Can you love me all the way?
Will you tie me tight in little strands of paradise?
Will you walk with me before the morning fades?
Oh I'm waiting on the day.

To be honest, this song touches me in a deep way. I know the longing, the aching for someone to spend the rest of your life with. When it's not just a dream anymore, when your life with them is reality and you can just relax and be together. When you're "teamed up" with someone that fights your battles alongside you and isn't hanging by the door, prepared to get out at a moment's notice. When two finally become one...

I know this longing, yet I know the truth past it. At the end of the day, no matter how perfect that person you've found is, no matter how much love is between the two of you, ultimately they are human and will hurt you at some point. They won't always be on your side, not in every single thing. And our love, human love...it's imperfect. Ultimately...we won't find this perfection in anyone here. The only perfect love is found above. But yet we break ourselves and break others over and over trying to get this full satisfaction from one person. It breaks my heart to see, partially because I've been a part of it too.

So his questioning...it digs into the very question of our heart desires. Our hearts, or our souls even, know that there's real, perfect, untainted love out there somewhere and that we'll never be content until we find it. We want so badly for it to be tangible though, for it to be in front of our faces, a real lover we can kiss and feel the heartbeat of. It's so abstract to think that it comes from God, the creator of everything. Maybe we can't physically hug him, but His love is the one that we won't have to question if it fulfills our every longing.

So, with people...are we waiting, just to be broken by whatever person comes? No, no I don't believe we are. If we have and know God, then our deepest desires are already met. We already know a pure, unstoppable, unadulterated love that we could never truly understand. This allows us to love people here, love people truly and honestly and not need to be fulfilled by them- love and expect nothing in return.
DISCLAIMER:  I'm making this all sound very simple. I'm not going to lie though, it's quite the opposite. Sometimes, with all these things going on around us and the tendency to get wrapped up in them, it's hard to keep our focus on God and thus hard to feel like He is truly all we need. Also, we are needy, and broken humans, so even if it's just subconsciously, we will put pressures on the people we love to be that perfect person to us. We will lean on them for support, acceptance, affirmation- it's in our nature. I do also believe that God knows that it's hard for us to find our comfort and satisfaction completely in Him- to not have a physical depiction of Him- so I do believe that human relationships are a reflection of His relationship with us, to some extent. In the way they show us love. Doesn't mean these people/relationships should replace God, maybe more of we should be able to see God in them and praise Him and love Him even more for that.

And this is just in the relationship sense (because, we all know that this is probably what most people are "waiting" on). Some people wait for a future or career that makes sense and is steady (I'm guilty of this one as well). Some wait for financial success or stability. Some wait for a family/kids. Some wait for forgiveness, or closure, or answers that perhaps they'll never find. Some wait for acceptance, to feel beautiful, or to have that one person be proud of them. If you really think about it, we all have something. We're all waiting...and it's important to ask ourselves "why this?" Because there is something deeper, something beyond that. I know it might cause your heart pain to think about, but I think that getting to the nitty-gritty of our desires is healthy and will help us in the long run.

Maybe talking through my own will help. I'm in a three-way-tie between wanting, at the risk of sounding cliché, to find "the one," having a steady or sensible future/career, and wanting answers.
1. Why do I want to find that "perfect" person to share my life with? I can think of a few reasons:  I want to forget having to put on any sort of act for anyone- I want to be 100% me all the time and be able to share that with someone, to be able to just be with someone; I want to love deeply and be loved back, and understand what that love is; I want to be secure; I want someone to tackle the toughest parts of life with, and the best parts of life with. What does this mean about me? That I want someone to know me- to completely and truly know me. I want to be loved. And I want to show that love and care for someone just because I can, no matter if they deserve that or not (I mean, do any of us?). Truths? God knows me completely- more than I even know myself. God's love is perfect, and since He is love and all love is from Him, He's the perfect being to learn love from and from whom to receive love. And wanting to care for someone? Wanting to give that love away, because that is what we are called to do.
2. Why do I want to know what my future holds, especially in the sense of having a steady/respected career? Again, I want security. I want to know that I can take care of myself/will be taken care of. And I want to know what my future holds so that I can know what I should be focusing on now, or what I should NOT be investing my time in. Because ultimately, I'm scared of failing, scared of choosing the wrong path, scared of doing it all wrong and screwing everything up. I just want to know that everything is going to be okay. Truths? God tells me not to worry, and tells me that he clothes the flowers of the field and feeds the birds of the air...so am I not worth much more than that in His eyes? And little ol' me...I'm not going to be able to put a wrench in God, of all beings, plans. He's a little better than that. And no matter what I do, God can help me get back on the right path if I fall off. And where is my true security? In knowing that even though I am broken, I am saved, washed clean, forgiven, loved, pure, and righteous in God's eyes from Jesus's sacrifice. That when I leave this earth I will be with Him.
3. Why do I want answers? Security, yet again. I want to be sure that what I'm believing, that what I'm telling people, that what I'm living my life for makes sense and is worth all the pain the Truth can cause sometimes. I want answers so that I don't have to depend on anything or anyone else, that I personally have all the information necessary so that now I have control over it. (Wow. I'd actually never realized that before but it's hitting me how true that actually is...just WOW.) Truths? We can't know and understand everything...we're humans, and we are only provided with what God opens our eyes to. If we had all the answers, then where is the place for faith? And, I can't just expect to ask and just understand everything suddenly. How conceited of me, to believe that I would even be able to understand some of God's answers to my biggest questions. I am trying to take faith out of the equation and replace it with knowledge. Ouch, self.

As to the question of, does what we're waiting for/on define us?

Perhaps. I mean, what we're waiting on ultimately reflects our deepest desires, which are not going to be exactly the same as everyone else's. (They will all be similar, but maybe we're desiring things in different ways.)

But will we let these desires stay on the surface and keep searching for the things on this earth that we think will completely fulfill us? Will we idle until we've found what we're looking for? And once we find it, will we be surprised when everything isn't just perfect from then on?

Or will we realize that it is God we are really searching for?

Food for thought, folks. I hope you find what you're searching for.

I'm waiting on the day...
Peace & Blessings