I'm not as weak as I thought

Had to get this short little realization/thought out really quick.

A small thought, yes, but with much greater ramifications once it actually sinks in deep.

I'm not as weak as I thought, or as I kept believing I was.

I'm not.
I might be a weak overall human, but I am better than this. I'm better than I've been.
I go to the store and want to buy everything. I usually give in to much of it, thinking that well, I can't control myself so might as well. I eat way more than I should. (Especially chocolate and other sweets.) I eat out because ugh, I'm going to give in and do it sometime this week so why not make it now?

I act so incredibly weak and hopeless and for some reason I never realized I could just stop. Just stop whining and grow up.

Grow up.

Why haven't I done this yet? Maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I never had a strong enough reason. And most likely I just didn't care because I didn't think I could really do it anyways.

So here's to growing up. Becoming an adult. I suppose it had to happen sometime.

Here's to the end of excuses.

....I really didn't want to. But it's gotta happen.

Peace & Blessings
(I don't know what I'm doing here)

When my last day comes...

...I don't want people to feel like they didn't know me at all.

I want people to know me, know the real me. My hopes, my dreams, how they changed over the years, why I became who I was, my love for my family, friends, and those who needed it most, and mostly my love for God and my relationship with Him, because honestly that is how all the rest of me came to be. Scratch that. His love for me...and His love for every single person out there.

But do we always talk about it? Do we ask each other the hard questions? Do I know why you believe what you do and do you know why I believe what I do? Do I know what happened 3 years ago that completely changed the way you live your life and why it did, and do you know what thought hit me last night at Target that has already begun to change my perspective?

Do we even know each other at all...?

The thought of "to be 99% known is to not be known at all" keeps ringing in my ear. We keep things at a surface or just below level to ensure safety. But for everybody, people that believe this life is all we have and people that believe after this we have an eternal one, somewhere, what good is this at all? What good is it to keep hidden from most of the people in your life? Why insult the small number of years we have with friendships that really are more of aquaintanceships? This isn't saying that it's a good idea to be completely transparent with everyone in your life, because that may not be healthy for a number of reasons. But do 5 people really know you? 10 people? Do you feel like you're holding back from most people? I know that half the time I do...

For a while I've considered writing a letter that people can read just in case something were to happen to me. (No, this isn't morbid; I'm not scared of death and it's just, perhaps, in case I don't get the chance to tell some people how I really feel before I'm gone.) But right now I'm wondering...why wait? Wouldn't it be better to tell someone what you're actually thinking/feeling BEFORE it's too late for them to respond? For you to make things right if you need to?

Back again to safety. Most of the things we do in our lives is to ensure safety and security. And knowing people, really knowing them and allowing them to really know you, is not safe. It makes us, and them, vulnerable. It allows you to take on their feelings and burdens, and them to know the little or big secrets that, until them, you could not bear to let roll off your lips.

So ask yourself:  when things are shared at your funeral, when people are talking amongst themselves about you...right now, would they be surprised? Would they feel like they really knew their friend or not?
And now, how can you change this...

Thanks for listening, friends.
Peace & Blessings

Killing that bitterness

I think I've been mad for a while. Mad at God because I know that He CAN, but I cannot figure out why he WON'T.

Most of the time, I don't understand my feelings. Most of it started after freshman year of high school when I experienced what it really was to hurt and to cause someone else emotional pain. I started shutting everything off to avoid that pain. I didn't care about myself so much, but I definitely was not about to hurt anyone else.

And that's where the questioning started. Am I really feeling this specific emotion, or am I just thinking I'm supposed to feel it? Am I lying to myself?

All questions that normal people don't have to ask themselves. Questions that should be no-brainers, like, yeah, I feel this emotion, or you know what, I just don't feel that way.

So then, of course, I shut emotions off to avoid pain or causing it, or having to ask myself these things at all.

I thought having these questions made me like a baby again. I was frustrated, embarrassed, and frankly quite angry (an emotion I've not had a problem distinguishing...). Why can't I just be normal?! I wondered. And for a couple years now, I've held this bitterness towards God because I honestly just feel like it's hurting me and others and I don't feel like I'm learning anything from it (because I understand that sometimes we go through hard things to learn).

But today it hit home that there is some sort of reason. And all I've got to do is keep pressing on and help will come in due time.

More on this later, because frankly I am overtired.

Peace & Blessings