I have not been persistent...

So I have this workshop about foreign missions coming up in a few days, which I'm super excited about! Four days with a couple good friends in Michigan, what's not to love? (Other than the fact that it's in Michigan.) BUT...

I've been totally ignoring anything and everything surrounding that topic since I signed up a couple weeks back.

Yes, I am super excited about my future and where God's going to lead me. But every time I think I'm smooth sailing, good to go, nothing holding me back, BOOM, doubt once again surfaces. No, no, maybe it's not doubt. It's more of fear. I'm too scared to actually start pursuing things to set me up for opportunities post-college. Why? I'm afraid that I might choose the "wrong" thing and mess everything up.
But then I think, I'm worrying about choosing the "wrong" path...so am I praying about it? Consistently and fervently? Including God in my decisions? - no, rather focusing my decisions on God and praying for direction?

.....no.....

Well shoot. I shouldn't even be complaining then. I have a clear way to calm my fears. PRAY.

Also, I'm feeling very insecure. I read through the list of people going to the workshop and most have been on multiple foreign mission trips before. I haven't even felt called (or secure enough) to go on the out-of-country foreign missions trips offered by my home church or my campus church. And I know I've had it in my mind and on my heart since the end of high school that foreign missions was where I was meant to be, but I feel like I know nothing about it (reason #1 I'm attending this workshop) and I feel like it is something so abstract to many people I talk to. Why? Because at this point, I'm not going to have anything that most would see as a helpful skill in going over there, wherever "there" is. Which kind of freaks me out too. I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I can offer.

I can love people and serve them. And I suppose that the Bible does say that God equips whom He calls, not the other way around. (I suppose?? This is a great truth that I am not able to fully appreciate right now, it seems.)
Philippians 1:6  "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Hebrews 13:20-21  "Now may the God of peace...equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever."

I needed that reminder. That this is GOD'S story, and He is going to make happen what is supposed to happen. He wants His children to love and serve one another, ultimately bringing all of us closer to Him. So if I'm trying my darndest to love and serve, I doubt He will leave me hanging.

I also have not been praying about a couple (ok, a few) other things. So if any prayer warriors out there feel like helping me out, I'd greatly appreciate it :)
A) What to do with the free time I'm going to have this summer and in May. I'd love to spend it volunteering and investing in friends, coworkers, and classmates, but the specifics of those are hard to pin down.
B) In anticipation of the fall, I'm going to have to decide which team at h2o I'm going to be a part of. Half the year I was thinking that I would go to off-campus because that would be more my age (somewhat) and hopefully closer to me. But then I realized, why would I want to leave South Scarlet? So now I'm just not sure. I've got a while, but I would like to be prepared and have some idea this summer - so praying now! Also, whether or not to lead a small group next year.
C) My fall semester is going to be terrible time-wise. So I'm considering dropping one of the classes and putting it off until the spring. However, I'm not sure if I need to, but I've been reminded of the fact that I said (and know) that relationships are something I really value developing, and people time is hard to have when I'm overwhelmed by a million classes. So whether or not to drop that class.
D) I have a lot of pride associated with my grades. I said to my team leader, Kathy, earlier this semester that I'd realized that grades in my classes were the one thing I would not give up for God. And once I said it out loud I realized how bad that was. So that has been challenging me because I never thought about God calling me to give up the 4.0 I'm obsessed with to build into Him and His children. It's one of the more challenging thoughts I've had recently.

Thanks to whoever is reading! :)

Peace & Blessings

BLESSED. So incredibly blessed.

Much like I posted about last year around this time, I don't know where this year has gone...

I've been thinking about all I wanted to do this school year, and with that, realizing all that I have not accomplished, at least from this list. It's kind of upsetting, really. However, I did realize something else. GOD has done a lot this year. In me, around me, and maybe even through me. In that aspect, it's been pretty dang productive. So I'm going to list out all that I can remember! It's always a great thing to look back on and cling to in the darker days. It's dragged me out of the grim places more than a few times.

(And yes, I am doing this instead of studying for my finals. I needed a break, alright?)

• I've made countless friends on the 2 mission trips I've been on with h2o this year, to Tuscaloosa, AL with Habitat for Humanity, and Altamont, TN with Mountain T.O.P. 
• Through both of these, He's also introduced me to the most amazing communities I've ever experienced. Joking, loving, pursuing deep relationships, encouraging, refocusing, and serving are the things held dear.
• He's shown me His truest colors, an incredible and unwavering agape love, in the way of blooming relationships, answered prayers (even when I was not persistent in asking!), forgiveness given me by friends, using others as angels to help me out, and just little miracles and moments that made everything work out better than expected. AND in being able to see what He is doing in people's lives around me, which is always extremely encouraging. He has shown me how active He truly is!
• I shouldn't even get myself started on what He's been doing in regards to my future. I've gone from nursing (being happy to be there to uncomfortable with what that path meant), back to pre-med, and now just Molecular Genetics...which I don't think I'll even be using post-undergrad. It's been a roller coaster ride without a doubt. BUT, He's brought me to a place where I am actually comfortable and excited about not knowing what my future holds, even just next year. I have never been able to say that before without it being a complete lie. 
• He has truly opened my eyes to the opportunities around me, past just medicine or whatever else I was clinging to.
• He has kindled in me a HUGE passion for serving and loving people!
• He has shaped and changed not just what I tell people my passions are, but really what they are (i.e. lost the passion for medicine, gained more for serving/loving, and even how I feel about other people, aka in relationships).
• A few weeks ago, I feel like He really answered my prayer for at least a glimpse into what my unknown future would hold. Through the relationships I've been able to form with people in my classes this semester, and at work and h2o, He's given me a newfound love for people that I didn't always have before. He's shown me that whatever my future holds, I'm going to need to have time to invest in people, learn about them and be a part of their lives! I want to use my life as an example of radical, unequivocal love that I know (and I hope others will see) comes straight from God. And yes, I am acknowledging that I will make mistakes and will fail because I am not perfect. But here's to trying, and here's to knowing that I'm not alone in this mission :)
• I got the opportunity to co-lead a small group for h2o this year! There were struggles and joys, but I am so thankful for the opportunity. I feel like every time I've had a leadership position, God has used it to grow me in the qualities a servant leader needs!
• I was encouraged this year in Tennessee by being a co-leader of a tribe that seemed to really grow together and mesh, after a tough time being a leader the past year and realizing that I had no idea what I was doing. This year God allowed me to come in to the trip with no expectations (not needing it to be better/worse than the last 2 years), but a desire to be one with my group, and to lead them by serving and humbling myself. Which, was challenging, but God helped me immensely and really grew me as a leader and a friend :)
• Through my Lenten promise to give up alcohol (shhh I know I'm not 21 yet...), God has shown me how faithful He really is. Once I got the courage to get the words "I gave up alcohol for Lent" out of my mouth, He helped me stick to it. It was an eye opener, and wasn't even that difficult with His help. He let me take a step back from the situation and see the harm it can do me. 
• I was even able to talk to my dad about my struggles, and learn more about my family's history with that sort of thing, and have a reminder that no matter what happens, I have a strong support system at home. They've shown me grace and understanding.

This is not at all an exhaustive list, but WOW, I'm astounded at this year already! I'm only stopping because I have to go to work. (Another thing I need to add to this list! And my struggles with singleness, so that I don't forget.)

Peace & Blessings

First! (from earlier)

today has been hard. for a few reasons.

it was hard loving people today. not the people that are easy to love. a few of my older coworkers, a couple of the pathologists, and some of my classmates...they weren't hard to love. in fact, i had some wonderful conversations today with them. i feel like they're an adopted family in a way. i guess i do that with the people i'm surrounded by. not that that's a bad thing, i don't think.

but the people that were hard to love...my boss, my professor, certain acquaintances...well, i did not love well today.

and i realized i complain a lot. like way more than my life allows. about work (shouldn't i be thankful that i 1. have a job? 2. have one that pays well? 3. where i don't have to cook greasy food? 4. where i enjoy my coworkers? 5. where my boss is incredibly flexible and understanding with hours?), about school (shouldn't i be thankful that my parents have the money to put me through whatever college i chose? that i'm intelligent and for the most part am not drowning in my classwork? that i can live in a wonderful city and attend a well-known university?), about not being able to focus (shouldn't i be amazed and thankful for all the luxury, but really, things around me that allow for distractions? and shouldn't i just suck it up and work because i'm studying as though i'm studying for the Lord?), about having to go to the doctor/dentist/etc (shouldn't i be thankful i have insurance and have the luxury to go when i need to and not worry about the cost?), and so many other things...

I AM SO BLESSED.

it's something that He has been reminding me of, hour after hour, day after day, week after week. no matter if i'm stressed, exuberant, failing, succeeding....He shows me again and again that He deeply cares for me and i am not alone in this.

Brandon Heath's "As Long As I'm Here" reminds me of my mission in life. To love unconditionally and indiscriminately; to humbly serve the last, the lost, the least; and to praise the Good Lord who made me, saved me, and forgave me.

Some day I'll pass through the great sky above
And the first thing I'll ask is how well did I love?
Did I leave the world any better than it was before?
Of all the things I've done, could I have done any more?

'Cause it took me a while just to find my feet
And to learn how to stand on my own
But You gave me the heart and the time I would need
To find You and make it back home where I belong

Some day I'll go to the great, wide beyond
Where Moses and Mary and Jacob and my loved ones have gone
But I will rejoice in today and the journey I'm on
And I'll keep on praying and pressing on until dawn

Only to see a glimpse of Your face
To peek in to Heaven, time and space
Oh, to feel my own frailty and tremble in fear
To know You are with me as long as I'm here
Oh, as long as I'm here

Some day I'll pass through the great sky above
And the first thing I'll ask is how well did I love?

Peace & Blessings