...I haven't been updating my blog. I made a promise to myself that I was going to post more often, mostly because I'm excited about blogging but also because I want people to know my heart, and even more, God's heart for the world.
As I sat down to post on Saturday, I realized I had way too much to say. Which got my gears turning...leading to a bigger project that I've been spending my time on. But I'm not revealing anything yet! (Mostly, in case I fail, I don't want anyone to know what exactly, or to what extent, I failed at it.)
It's been hard to gather my thoughts. What I'll say though, is that it all started with a song. A song called "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen. A song that is raw and real and is this guy Noah simply asking God questions. He's really troubled by a lot of what he's learned from growing up in the church, and the liberal changes in society and what Jesus would have to say about all of it.
They are questions that so many people nowadays are asking.
It really got me thinking. Then I wondered about how people feel about this God that they don't even admit they might believe in...and realized that most people are mad. Most people are really angry at God, for a whole variety of reasons. I want to address this because anger at God is something that everyone, I think, has experienced, whether they are a strong Bible-based Christian, atheist, or Muslim (etc).
We've all been mad at Him.
Why?
Reason #1: We don't understand His character.
Reason #2: We don't understand His plan; we have a very short-sighted perspective.
Reason #3: We think we deserve something from Him.
Reason #4: You don't understand how a "loving" God could allow suffering in the world.
Reason #5: We are upset that He's just "barged" into our lives without our permission.
Reason #6: We can't understand why there would be so many religions claiming to be the right one. (Like, why couldn't He have made it clear?)
Reason #7: (Continuation of #6) We are upset that He says that there is only one way to heaven, and all other ways are futile and lead to hell.
Reason #8: Bad things have happened to some of the best people you know (or you), and you can't understand why.
Reason #9: You've been mistreated by a group of people who claim to love God.
Reason #10: We are mad about all the rules in the Old Testament, like against same sex interactions, or the practices that were "okay" back then, that God seemed to "support," like slavery.
There are, of course, more specific reasons, but I think these cover the majority. But I think the main reason people are mad at God is because we don't really understand Him. We don't understand the history of Him and us; His true, loving intentions/His heart for the world; what giving us "free will" meant for Him and for us; or that He has always been here, created us, gave His son to save us, so really doesn't owe us anything and is not some imposition on our lives. We don't understand that He is like a father and sometimes we have to try things and hurt ourselves to really learn the meaning of something or how to do it right.
But that's just a little snippet of what I've been working on. I'll keep sharing, of course!
Random, but admission time.....I've also realized that if I'm planning on attending seminary (and in general for morality's sake), I should probably stop with all the cussing. I don't know why I keep doing it or when I decided it was okay. Gah. It's hard to stop once you're used to it!
That's all for now. Back to studying! Much love.
Peace & Blessings
Monday, December 9, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Meant to be- Packing Light
This is crazy.
So in my last post I wrote something I hadn't even meant to write- that I felt safe and comfortable here, but in all that there was still something yearning...like this wasn't it. There was something else.
And who would have guessed but that night, Tuesday night, I decided to listen to an audiobook I'd downloaded a week or so before, titled Packing Light by Allison Vesterfelt. First off, it was strange that I would have downloaded an ebook off Noise Trade anyways; I usually scroll right past those thinking, there's no way I have time to listen to a whole book so why bother? But the name of this one and the picture caught me- Packing Light and an overflowing suitcase. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about living minimalistically (which my computer is telling me is not a word, it probably should be minimally, but I'm keeping it). What do I really NEED? And when am I wanting something and not needing it? Do I really need 10 pairs of jeans and 20 sweatshirts? (Guilty...) Do I need two guitars? Do I need so many shoes? Do I really need to be eating out as often as I do?
What I'm realizing is that we treat our "wants" like our "needs," and so our true needs never get met. Unconditional love, a feeling of security, a sense of purpose (or that we're part of something bigger than ourselves), help (emotional or otherwise), a true friend to confide in....many of these are ignored or are things we shove to the back of our minds because most of them aren't tangible or we just don't have time for "feelings" or our other seemingly insignificant problems. We're an incredibly needy society that's been tricked into believing we need other things more.
Not to mention that we can't even address the problem because we're either scared to or we don't know where to start.
But I've gotten really off track. What I meant to say was that Allison's book was addressing just this- when do we have too much? Can we live with less? What does it mean to pack light? And what will we learn about ourselves when we're depending on God far more than we are depending on our own means to get us through the next day? What will we learn about God?
Gah, I wish I could listen to the book on repeat until the good messages fully sink in so deep that I can quote them.
The book meant a lot to me, in a lot of the same ways that Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller did a few months ago. It made me feel not so alone in all this, as I'm prone to feeling. That other people have had ideas as crazy as mine, but have actually acted on them and survived. Not only survived, but changed. For the better, that is. That other people are sitting in their comfortable lives as well and are still thinking, is there more? Well, is there?
It got me excited, in the way I get excited every time I hear a new song and decide that it would be a perfect staring-out-the-window-during-a-long-road-trip song. Excited because it was another example of how God really does provide for people that ask Him for that. I've always been worried about finances (been much more aware of it lately) and with the thought of support-raising for a possible summer in Honduras for a Leadership Training (LT) program I've been terrified. But if they can make it around the country on barely anything and have God provide through people, even absolute strangers, then I think He can provide for a two-month internship.
I could write about this book forever. I feel...different. Something inside of me has honestly shifted. I don't know what but I just feel different. In a good way. A healthy way. And it really does make me want to pursue God even more. It's just been hard to keep myself open to Him...my autopilot mode is to be closed off and it's been difficult changing that/adjusting. But He is good and faithful. I am in good hands (and it's not Allstate!).
Peace & Blessings
So in my last post I wrote something I hadn't even meant to write- that I felt safe and comfortable here, but in all that there was still something yearning...like this wasn't it. There was something else.
And who would have guessed but that night, Tuesday night, I decided to listen to an audiobook I'd downloaded a week or so before, titled Packing Light by Allison Vesterfelt. First off, it was strange that I would have downloaded an ebook off Noise Trade anyways; I usually scroll right past those thinking, there's no way I have time to listen to a whole book so why bother? But the name of this one and the picture caught me- Packing Light and an overflowing suitcase. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about living minimalistically (which my computer is telling me is not a word, it probably should be minimally, but I'm keeping it). What do I really NEED? And when am I wanting something and not needing it? Do I really need 10 pairs of jeans and 20 sweatshirts? (Guilty...) Do I need two guitars? Do I need so many shoes? Do I really need to be eating out as often as I do?
What I'm realizing is that we treat our "wants" like our "needs," and so our true needs never get met. Unconditional love, a feeling of security, a sense of purpose (or that we're part of something bigger than ourselves), help (emotional or otherwise), a true friend to confide in....many of these are ignored or are things we shove to the back of our minds because most of them aren't tangible or we just don't have time for "feelings" or our other seemingly insignificant problems. We're an incredibly needy society that's been tricked into believing we need other things more.
Not to mention that we can't even address the problem because we're either scared to or we don't know where to start.
But I've gotten really off track. What I meant to say was that Allison's book was addressing just this- when do we have too much? Can we live with less? What does it mean to pack light? And what will we learn about ourselves when we're depending on God far more than we are depending on our own means to get us through the next day? What will we learn about God?
Gah, I wish I could listen to the book on repeat until the good messages fully sink in so deep that I can quote them.
The book meant a lot to me, in a lot of the same ways that Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller did a few months ago. It made me feel not so alone in all this, as I'm prone to feeling. That other people have had ideas as crazy as mine, but have actually acted on them and survived. Not only survived, but changed. For the better, that is. That other people are sitting in their comfortable lives as well and are still thinking, is there more? Well, is there?
It got me excited, in the way I get excited every time I hear a new song and decide that it would be a perfect staring-out-the-window-during-a-long-road-trip song. Excited because it was another example of how God really does provide for people that ask Him for that. I've always been worried about finances (been much more aware of it lately) and with the thought of support-raising for a possible summer in Honduras for a Leadership Training (LT) program I've been terrified. But if they can make it around the country on barely anything and have God provide through people, even absolute strangers, then I think He can provide for a two-month internship.
I could write about this book forever. I feel...different. Something inside of me has honestly shifted. I don't know what but I just feel different. In a good way. A healthy way. And it really does make me want to pursue God even more. It's just been hard to keep myself open to Him...my autopilot mode is to be closed off and it's been difficult changing that/adjusting. But He is good and faithful. I am in good hands (and it's not Allstate!).
Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Still Transforming
The future feels more tangible now.
More fear is turning into faith.
But as the future becomes more tangible, so does the reality of leaving the people I love here in Columbus, in Wadsworth.
We like to keep things steady. Keep things the way they are because we feel safe in that place. I feel safe here...though not quite fulfilled. There's always something yearning, though I don't know exactly what for.
But I digress...what I actually meant to talk about was how excited I am about the changes I am seeing all around me (ironic, considering what I just said above). I have never felt God so much in one place. Through the stories of life transformation we hear at church every Sunday, seeing people respond to community needs and suffering all over the world, to people in h2o loving on each other just because. I see people with a constant burning passion for God, a passion that allows them to serve and love and live a life on mission. Every day I am seeing people slowly changing into the people God wants them to be. And that reminds me that this here, this is a beautiful world.
I think too much of the bad, of the selfish, and not enough of the good that you can see in little pockets of the world. And I think good deeds and love can be spread almost as easily as selfishness and hate.
I have to keep thinking that, or I'm scared that all hope is lost.
But it is a beautiful world because no matter what, God is still changing hearts. And those hearts can change others and before you know it, we're all loving on each other and supporting each other.
Much love. Peace & Blessings
More fear is turning into faith.
But as the future becomes more tangible, so does the reality of leaving the people I love here in Columbus, in Wadsworth.
We like to keep things steady. Keep things the way they are because we feel safe in that place. I feel safe here...though not quite fulfilled. There's always something yearning, though I don't know exactly what for.
But I digress...what I actually meant to talk about was how excited I am about the changes I am seeing all around me (ironic, considering what I just said above). I have never felt God so much in one place. Through the stories of life transformation we hear at church every Sunday, seeing people respond to community needs and suffering all over the world, to people in h2o loving on each other just because. I see people with a constant burning passion for God, a passion that allows them to serve and love and live a life on mission. Every day I am seeing people slowly changing into the people God wants them to be. And that reminds me that this here, this is a beautiful world.
I think too much of the bad, of the selfish, and not enough of the good that you can see in little pockets of the world. And I think good deeds and love can be spread almost as easily as selfishness and hate.
I have to keep thinking that, or I'm scared that all hope is lost.
But it is a beautiful world because no matter what, God is still changing hearts. And those hearts can change others and before you know it, we're all loving on each other and supporting each other.
Much love. Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 17, 2013
First World "problems" Rant
So much going on in my mind right now.
Mostly having to do with this whole thing of "first world problems" and this generation....but God's love and grace too. You have to take the first with the second in mind or I think you'd go crazy. (See paragraphs below for evidence of this, haha.)
It makes me feel hopeless sometimes. Okay...when I say sometimes, I mean more like every time I really let my mind meditate on the state of this world. It's the reason I don't want to bring children into this world (rather, I've been thinking a lot more about adoption; they're already in it).
It sickens me. We are broken, awful, wretched, hateful people that don't give a care in the world for anyone but ourselves and maybe a few others (please know that I am including myself here). We are the luckiest and most blessed people in the world - financially, provisionally, and governmentally (freedoms). So what do we do? We complain. We ask for, no, demand more. We go on with our lives thinking that we can satisfy our cravings with the next gadget, the next culinary expedition, or the next relationship. And we do all this while glued to our phones that we "can't live without," while looking through our overly stocked pantries saying "I've got nothing to eat," while skipping classes and complaining about how much we "have" to learn, while begging our parents for a little more money or digging into our savings so that we can keep up eating out as much as we do (guilty), while dating in an attempt to "satisfy" our need to be loved physically and emotionally, binge drinking because that's how you "fit in" around here or because you just can't bear all the stress, while meeting people and developing relationships just to get ahead, and spending our free time plopped on the couch watching Netflix or scrolling through Buzzfeed.
We don't care about people. We care about ourselves and our happiness. But, perhaps what starts to scare each of us at a different time in our own life is that no matter what we do, what we get, we can't make ourselves truly happy. I think most of the time when we say we're "really quite happy," we're lying to ourselves. (I just realized that this sounds extremely cynical and depressing...bear with me. It's the mood I'm in; heck, it's just the truth of the world.) Happiness is fleeting; what we really, honestly crave is JOY not HAPPINESS. And guess what? JOY is not going to come out of a self-centered, worldly life. If anything, that is something I'm sure of. Joy is born of hope. And if there's one thing this world can't offer us, it's an everlasting hope.
Then this "first world problems" thing that's been popular recently...have we no shame?! It's in the name...that it's not really a problem at all. Yet the popularity of the saying has given us a reason to say all these stupid problems anyways. Example: "Ended up watching a TV show I didn't want to watch because the remote was out of reach. #firstworldproblems"
Like I said....have we no shame?
It's not a secret that there are millions of children around the world suffering in the agony of unadulterated starvation every day. Yet we have the audacity to say after a few hours without a meal that we're "absolutely starving" and then go on to indulge our hunger with a humungous Chipotle burrito that we didn't even think about not having the money for which to pay. I think, honestly, what this saying is doing is helping us further increase the distance between our world and the world that hungers, that suffers injustices of basic human rights, that has never known a functional society, that doesn't even have the access to clean water...
Let's be honest. I think most of us do want to get away from those "third world problems." We don't want to have to think about anything that makes us uncomfortable, that makes us question the way we've been richly living and frivolously spending our entire lives, that challenges our basic beliefs, because if we are okay with letting these people die of starvation when we throw away half a meal because we "don't like eating leftovers," that makes us look like not-so-good people. And we don't want to think that we aren't good people, because when the cashier asks if you'd like to donate a dollar to some charity you say why not? and you volunteered for a few hours on MLK day and oh yeah, you lent your friend $20 and never asked for it back...and so this, this folly to not help those who are literally living off of nothing, this makes us bad people and we can't quite be okay with that.
We live our lives thinking that there are good people, and there are bad people.
Guess what? I think that as long as there are people suffering out there, we are all bad people. Plus, we've all sinned...our sins might be different from our neighbor's sins, but they are still sins. There is something we must understand before we can change: WE ARE BAD PEOPLE. From birth. There's no escape from it.
God...Jesus...they know it. They knew it well enough to know that we needed saving. God didn't want His creation, His most wonderful work, to be eternally separated from Him because of our human nature that leads to mistakes and sin and tragedy. Jesus took it on himself to die the most horrible of deaths so that we didn't have to be separate- that we could be seen in God's eyes as GOOD. Blameless. Holy. Pure. Righteous. Though it is so clear that we are not.
And THAT my friends, THAT is why there is hope.
So you ask, what does that have to do with anything else you've been talking about?
Everything. We have been shown incredible amounts of mercy and love and grace. What do we do with that? Most of us show it to others a little...but mostly just sit there with it, scared that if we do anything it'll get noticed and taken away or something silly like that. What are we to do? SHOW IT. God has shown us mercy...so we can show others mercy. God has loved us...so that we can show love to other people.
Jesus gave us a charge- to care for the widow, the orphan, the poor, the powerless.
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.
Hebrews 13:1-2 Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.
We are called to take care of people. We don't do it well. I want to do it better. But I can't do it alone! It is God in me, the Holy Spirit, that empowers me to serve, that has given me a love and a passion for it. Others in the body of the church encourage me and serve with me. I hope that I can get others excited about serving too. That is my goal. I love seeing people on fire for service! I think it is the most beautiful quality. That and humility. (Though I feel like they go hand in hand usually, though I still work on the humility part myself...I can be quite proud.)
Like I told my youth pastor back in 7th grade at a youth conference (I don't know if you remember this, Kaye!), I want to change the world. But by loving and serving, and getting people excited about the two, not by earthly power. And only through God, because I know I don't have what it takes to do this on my own. God has a plan, and I might just be a little part, but I am PSYCHED to be a little part :)
If you guys see me and I am not living this out...remind me of it! Rebuke me in love! I need it!
Much love. Peace & Blessings
Mostly having to do with this whole thing of "first world problems" and this generation....but God's love and grace too. You have to take the first with the second in mind or I think you'd go crazy. (See paragraphs below for evidence of this, haha.)
It makes me feel hopeless sometimes. Okay...when I say sometimes, I mean more like every time I really let my mind meditate on the state of this world. It's the reason I don't want to bring children into this world (rather, I've been thinking a lot more about adoption; they're already in it).
It sickens me. We are broken, awful, wretched, hateful people that don't give a care in the world for anyone but ourselves and maybe a few others (please know that I am including myself here). We are the luckiest and most blessed people in the world - financially, provisionally, and governmentally (freedoms). So what do we do? We complain. We ask for, no, demand more. We go on with our lives thinking that we can satisfy our cravings with the next gadget, the next culinary expedition, or the next relationship. And we do all this while glued to our phones that we "can't live without," while looking through our overly stocked pantries saying "I've got nothing to eat," while skipping classes and complaining about how much we "have" to learn, while begging our parents for a little more money or digging into our savings so that we can keep up eating out as much as we do (guilty), while dating in an attempt to "satisfy" our need to be loved physically and emotionally, binge drinking because that's how you "fit in" around here or because you just can't bear all the stress, while meeting people and developing relationships just to get ahead, and spending our free time plopped on the couch watching Netflix or scrolling through Buzzfeed.
We don't care about people. We care about ourselves and our happiness. But, perhaps what starts to scare each of us at a different time in our own life is that no matter what we do, what we get, we can't make ourselves truly happy. I think most of the time when we say we're "really quite happy," we're lying to ourselves. (I just realized that this sounds extremely cynical and depressing...bear with me. It's the mood I'm in; heck, it's just the truth of the world.) Happiness is fleeting; what we really, honestly crave is JOY not HAPPINESS. And guess what? JOY is not going to come out of a self-centered, worldly life. If anything, that is something I'm sure of. Joy is born of hope. And if there's one thing this world can't offer us, it's an everlasting hope.
Then this "first world problems" thing that's been popular recently...have we no shame?! It's in the name...that it's not really a problem at all. Yet the popularity of the saying has given us a reason to say all these stupid problems anyways. Example: "Ended up watching a TV show I didn't want to watch because the remote was out of reach. #firstworldproblems"
Like I said....have we no shame?
It's not a secret that there are millions of children around the world suffering in the agony of unadulterated starvation every day. Yet we have the audacity to say after a few hours without a meal that we're "absolutely starving" and then go on to indulge our hunger with a humungous Chipotle burrito that we didn't even think about not having the money for which to pay. I think, honestly, what this saying is doing is helping us further increase the distance between our world and the world that hungers, that suffers injustices of basic human rights, that has never known a functional society, that doesn't even have the access to clean water...
Let's be honest. I think most of us do want to get away from those "third world problems." We don't want to have to think about anything that makes us uncomfortable, that makes us question the way we've been richly living and frivolously spending our entire lives, that challenges our basic beliefs, because if we are okay with letting these people die of starvation when we throw away half a meal because we "don't like eating leftovers," that makes us look like not-so-good people. And we don't want to think that we aren't good people, because when the cashier asks if you'd like to donate a dollar to some charity you say why not? and you volunteered for a few hours on MLK day and oh yeah, you lent your friend $20 and never asked for it back...and so this, this folly to not help those who are literally living off of nothing, this makes us bad people and we can't quite be okay with that.
We live our lives thinking that there are good people, and there are bad people.
Guess what? I think that as long as there are people suffering out there, we are all bad people. Plus, we've all sinned...our sins might be different from our neighbor's sins, but they are still sins. There is something we must understand before we can change: WE ARE BAD PEOPLE. From birth. There's no escape from it.
God...Jesus...they know it. They knew it well enough to know that we needed saving. God didn't want His creation, His most wonderful work, to be eternally separated from Him because of our human nature that leads to mistakes and sin and tragedy. Jesus took it on himself to die the most horrible of deaths so that we didn't have to be separate- that we could be seen in God's eyes as GOOD. Blameless. Holy. Pure. Righteous. Though it is so clear that we are not.
And THAT my friends, THAT is why there is hope.
So you ask, what does that have to do with anything else you've been talking about?
Everything. We have been shown incredible amounts of mercy and love and grace. What do we do with that? Most of us show it to others a little...but mostly just sit there with it, scared that if we do anything it'll get noticed and taken away or something silly like that. What are we to do? SHOW IT. God has shown us mercy...so we can show others mercy. God has loved us...so that we can show love to other people.
Jesus gave us a charge- to care for the widow, the orphan, the poor, the powerless.
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.
Hebrews 13:1-2 Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.
We are called to take care of people. We don't do it well. I want to do it better. But I can't do it alone! It is God in me, the Holy Spirit, that empowers me to serve, that has given me a love and a passion for it. Others in the body of the church encourage me and serve with me. I hope that I can get others excited about serving too. That is my goal. I love seeing people on fire for service! I think it is the most beautiful quality. That and humility. (Though I feel like they go hand in hand usually, though I still work on the humility part myself...I can be quite proud.)
Like I told my youth pastor back in 7th grade at a youth conference (I don't know if you remember this, Kaye!), I want to change the world. But by loving and serving, and getting people excited about the two, not by earthly power. And only through God, because I know I don't have what it takes to do this on my own. God has a plan, and I might just be a little part, but I am PSYCHED to be a little part :)
If you guys see me and I am not living this out...remind me of it! Rebuke me in love! I need it!
Much love. Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Different.
Today's sermon was great. There were some wonderful questions posed:
How have you seen God protecting you in your life?
How has God been providing for you?
Have we given up hope that there is someone out there that is always going to be there (i.e., God)?
I'll try to go into some of these in another post. What I wanted to talk about before I fall asleep is the activity we did at the end of the sermon. Our pastor asked us to take little cards out of our bulletins and use them like a "thank you" card to God for all he's done for us, because it's been a lot. I was able to open up more to him about why I'm scared about the future and how I feel about everything going on that seems to be threatening what I thought He was asking me to do. I hadn't really talked to Him about it so I think it was much needed and refreshing.
And what hit me was that the main reason (or at least, one of them) that I was so concerned about having my whole future figured out now was because that's just what the world expects. Waiting for God to respond and just being patient for that in the meantime is borderline if not full out crazy in our world. And so I'm scared how the world (which, being raised here, much of that is in me too) will react to me not being figured out, to me not loving money and not craving a regular job that allows me to provide for the "standard" family that one must have.
It was at that moment I realized how thankful I was that God is not like this world. He is all the things the world doesn't quite understand: unwavering love that does not choose, peace beyond anything we could imagine, and so much more. He is the Father that has never harmed us or insulted us or let us down, even on accident. Not even once. And you know what? That is so awesome. And we can't really understand it. Billy Graham said this: "There's a lot of things about salvation I don't understand. But that's okay." We don't get it but I think that's part of the magic.
We also talked about His sacrifice on the cross and how since He's given His son, why would He withhold any small thing? (Answer: if it's not for our good, which is a whole other blog post sometime later.) This chorus in a song during communion this morning broke me down when I really let the words sink in:
Oh to be like You,
Give all I have just to know you,
Jesus there's no one besides You,
Forever the hope in my heart.
He really gave everything. Just to know us. Even for the people he knew were never going to love Him. Simply. Amazing.
But I need to sleep now. I apologize if this is jumbled (took Benadryl, hardly awake).
Peace & Blessings
How have you seen God protecting you in your life?
How has God been providing for you?
Have we given up hope that there is someone out there that is always going to be there (i.e., God)?
I'll try to go into some of these in another post. What I wanted to talk about before I fall asleep is the activity we did at the end of the sermon. Our pastor asked us to take little cards out of our bulletins and use them like a "thank you" card to God for all he's done for us, because it's been a lot. I was able to open up more to him about why I'm scared about the future and how I feel about everything going on that seems to be threatening what I thought He was asking me to do. I hadn't really talked to Him about it so I think it was much needed and refreshing.
And what hit me was that the main reason (or at least, one of them) that I was so concerned about having my whole future figured out now was because that's just what the world expects. Waiting for God to respond and just being patient for that in the meantime is borderline if not full out crazy in our world. And so I'm scared how the world (which, being raised here, much of that is in me too) will react to me not being figured out, to me not loving money and not craving a regular job that allows me to provide for the "standard" family that one must have.
It was at that moment I realized how thankful I was that God is not like this world. He is all the things the world doesn't quite understand: unwavering love that does not choose, peace beyond anything we could imagine, and so much more. He is the Father that has never harmed us or insulted us or let us down, even on accident. Not even once. And you know what? That is so awesome. And we can't really understand it. Billy Graham said this: "There's a lot of things about salvation I don't understand. But that's okay." We don't get it but I think that's part of the magic.
We also talked about His sacrifice on the cross and how since He's given His son, why would He withhold any small thing? (Answer: if it's not for our good, which is a whole other blog post sometime later.) This chorus in a song during communion this morning broke me down when I really let the words sink in:
Oh to be like You,
Give all I have just to know you,
Jesus there's no one besides You,
Forever the hope in my heart.
He really gave everything. Just to know us. Even for the people he knew were never going to love Him. Simply. Amazing.
But I need to sleep now. I apologize if this is jumbled (took Benadryl, hardly awake).
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Been learning so much!
Here are some things that have been wonderful reminders to me in the last few days:
1) "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b
That is so personal. So loving. So comforting! We are never alone. God promises to be right with us, right by our sides always, all the way to the end. SURELY He is with us ALWAYS.
2) Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me.
I put this in the post before, but it's so good. Even when our life situation isn't the best, God is still good. That is pretty cool to know. We are anchored in truth, in love, in a God that never changes, never fails, and never stops loving on us. He REMAINS. He SUSTAINS.
3) Life and heart transformation is NOT something we can do- it's something that God does in us! AND, it comes from a lifestyle of humility!
God can combat my pride and selfishness and make me more aware of them so that we, God and I, can fight those together!
I think on Friday He helped me see this with a little slap in the face (that I dealt out) that made me realize how selfish and prideful (via another situation) I truly could be. It is an ugly part of me that I really do want to rid myself of.
4) God has a plan and we get to be a part of it!! (The subject of my second to last post, I believe.)
He can use us, and DOES use us, and wow is that a privilege! I feel like He's been giving me a lot of opportunities to talk with people, get to know them, and help get people plugged in recently and that is SO COOL!
5) I am loved. And if not on this earth, then always, unconditionally, and completely by my wonderful Father in heaven.
It has been crazy to really reflect back on this week and see the way that God has put people in my life that have been supporting me and loving me and really care how I'm doing. And God has provided so much truth to me in relatable ways through the rap/hip-hop group out of Portland, called Beautiful Eulogy. Their songs have blessed me in understanding God and His love more, and what being a Christian really means. Their words and thoughts have challenged me and I am so grateful for that.
6) I feel like the Church would be a lot more relatable and welcoming if we Christians weren't always so HAPPY all the time...
Let me explain, because this sounds counterintuitive. Today in church we talked about struggles (pain and suffering) and what these mean in our lives. We fill our lives many times with "things" so that we don't have to think about the pain around us or in us. But you know what? We are all, the entire earth, suffering through the brokenness together. TOGETHER. We should all have a place where we can talk about how sometimes, yeah, we're not doing okay. We're actually pretty beaten down and depressed. A lot of times I think as Christians we assume we have to be happy and have it all together. WE DON'T. We are suffering through the pain and brokenness of this world too. But I think people on the outside looking in think we think we're better than everything and that's why we act happy. I think if the church just came out and said, Yeah, we're struggling too! We get depressed sometimes, angry about things, we need to cry and yell too, that people would see that we're real too. I know that I (and I've heard from other Christians too) get intimidated by all the seemingly "happy and perfect" people milling around church on a Sunday. Sure, church is a happy time where we get to see everyone, but LET'S GET REAL. Let's deal with our things and I don't just mean on the inside.
Openness begets openness, so be open! Feel pain. Be sad. Let it out. And I think people will respect that. Not just respect, but relate to it.
The difference between Christians and people who do not believe (on the "happy" aspect) is that we as Christians know that right now, these sufferings are MEANINGFUL. Not for nothing, because we know that these sufferings promise a new world to come, like the pain of childbirth is bearable only because the mother knows that there is something good on the way- new life. We are comforted with peace, not only in the good times but in times of pain. We experience true joy, even when we are suffering. Peace and joy are not circumstantial- they are beyond that. Happiness and relaxedness are circumstantial.
7) Last one. As I was listening to the "slice of life" today (a personal testimony h2o church does before each sermon on Sundays), the girl shared how one of the staff shared the Gospel with her one day- and it changed her. It just HIT ME...people want this. They really want and crave the truth and love that is in Christ Jesus and His sacrifice. Not only do they want it, it changes everything. (**Not everyone wants it right now in this moment. But some do.)
I feel like God was really working on my heart with this one. Showing me that the Gospel isn't something that people are just tired of or scared of hearing...that it can really be wanted, that it can really do good. (I have no idea at all why I hadn't really known this before. I think God was getting it to a heart level knowing this time.) It is something that flips our lives around, takes everything we knew and asks, are you doing this for YOU? or for God? It challenges our pride, our selfishness, how we love people, how we live our daily lives.
In that moment sitting in the chair at church, I felt God show me His love. I felt Him showing me what it really looks like and the sheer power of His love and grace. Shattering my doubt. It all felt so real and perfect. I felt so loved.
Phew. There is more than this but I'm stopping here for the sake of you guys and I really need to study now...
Closing thought: Jesus. Is. Amazing.
Peace & Blessings
1) "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b
That is so personal. So loving. So comforting! We are never alone. God promises to be right with us, right by our sides always, all the way to the end. SURELY He is with us ALWAYS.
2) Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me.
I put this in the post before, but it's so good. Even when our life situation isn't the best, God is still good. That is pretty cool to know. We are anchored in truth, in love, in a God that never changes, never fails, and never stops loving on us. He REMAINS. He SUSTAINS.
3) Life and heart transformation is NOT something we can do- it's something that God does in us! AND, it comes from a lifestyle of humility!
God can combat my pride and selfishness and make me more aware of them so that we, God and I, can fight those together!
I think on Friday He helped me see this with a little slap in the face (that I dealt out) that made me realize how selfish and prideful (via another situation) I truly could be. It is an ugly part of me that I really do want to rid myself of.
4) God has a plan and we get to be a part of it!! (The subject of my second to last post, I believe.)
He can use us, and DOES use us, and wow is that a privilege! I feel like He's been giving me a lot of opportunities to talk with people, get to know them, and help get people plugged in recently and that is SO COOL!
5) I am loved. And if not on this earth, then always, unconditionally, and completely by my wonderful Father in heaven.
It has been crazy to really reflect back on this week and see the way that God has put people in my life that have been supporting me and loving me and really care how I'm doing. And God has provided so much truth to me in relatable ways through the rap/hip-hop group out of Portland, called Beautiful Eulogy. Their songs have blessed me in understanding God and His love more, and what being a Christian really means. Their words and thoughts have challenged me and I am so grateful for that.
6) I feel like the Church would be a lot more relatable and welcoming if we Christians weren't always so HAPPY all the time...
Let me explain, because this sounds counterintuitive. Today in church we talked about struggles (pain and suffering) and what these mean in our lives. We fill our lives many times with "things" so that we don't have to think about the pain around us or in us. But you know what? We are all, the entire earth, suffering through the brokenness together. TOGETHER. We should all have a place where we can talk about how sometimes, yeah, we're not doing okay. We're actually pretty beaten down and depressed. A lot of times I think as Christians we assume we have to be happy and have it all together. WE DON'T. We are suffering through the pain and brokenness of this world too. But I think people on the outside looking in think we think we're better than everything and that's why we act happy. I think if the church just came out and said, Yeah, we're struggling too! We get depressed sometimes, angry about things, we need to cry and yell too, that people would see that we're real too. I know that I (and I've heard from other Christians too) get intimidated by all the seemingly "happy and perfect" people milling around church on a Sunday. Sure, church is a happy time where we get to see everyone, but LET'S GET REAL. Let's deal with our things and I don't just mean on the inside.
Openness begets openness, so be open! Feel pain. Be sad. Let it out. And I think people will respect that. Not just respect, but relate to it.
The difference between Christians and people who do not believe (on the "happy" aspect) is that we as Christians know that right now, these sufferings are MEANINGFUL. Not for nothing, because we know that these sufferings promise a new world to come, like the pain of childbirth is bearable only because the mother knows that there is something good on the way- new life. We are comforted with peace, not only in the good times but in times of pain. We experience true joy, even when we are suffering. Peace and joy are not circumstantial- they are beyond that. Happiness and relaxedness are circumstantial.
7) Last one. As I was listening to the "slice of life" today (a personal testimony h2o church does before each sermon on Sundays), the girl shared how one of the staff shared the Gospel with her one day- and it changed her. It just HIT ME...people want this. They really want and crave the truth and love that is in Christ Jesus and His sacrifice. Not only do they want it, it changes everything. (**Not everyone wants it right now in this moment. But some do.)
I feel like God was really working on my heart with this one. Showing me that the Gospel isn't something that people are just tired of or scared of hearing...that it can really be wanted, that it can really do good. (I have no idea at all why I hadn't really known this before. I think God was getting it to a heart level knowing this time.) It is something that flips our lives around, takes everything we knew and asks, are you doing this for YOU? or for God? It challenges our pride, our selfishness, how we love people, how we live our daily lives.
In that moment sitting in the chair at church, I felt God show me His love. I felt Him showing me what it really looks like and the sheer power of His love and grace. Shattering my doubt. It all felt so real and perfect. I felt so loved.
Phew. There is more than this but I'm stopping here for the sake of you guys and I really need to study now...
Closing thought: Jesus. Is. Amazing.
Peace & Blessings
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Days like this.
It's days like today that I wonder if something really is wrong with me.
Like, how could I forget so easily what I had said I'd do? How could I mess up and not know how to make it right...how do things just fly out of my mind and make me so fickle?
Is it just me? I'm not doing these things on purpose. People say you'll remember things that are important to you....but that is not always true. Heck, I remember the moment I heard the Blue October song "Into the Ocean" for the first time like it was yesterday, but I can't remember to keep in touch with a friend. What.
And then the pride...I try to apologize but my pride is like, how can I make me sound not as awful of a person? I mean, I suppose there were things that prevented what should have happened...when really I should just shut up, be humble and say sorry without a "but" on the end. I make mistakes- DEAL WITH IT, SELF.
And so now I feel like I've thrown a glass at the ground and it's shattered into a thousand pieces and I just stare at it. My first thought is, throw some glue at it! Let's try the only way to fix it that I know how. But things take time and I have to deal with my mistake and give some time. I'm not patient. (I'm not proud of that either.)
I feel dark and gray and cold and beaten down. Hopeless at points. With this, with studying, with my walk with God, with my emotions, with the sad state of this campus...with how I act on a day to day basis that is so NOT representative of Jesus and His love. I make myself sick.
And here I am again; I thought I was done with this. With having those all-too-familiar moments of self-hate (do we all face this at some point?). And please don't get me wrong- not self-harm. NEVER self-harm. I hate what and who I am in this world, I hate that I can't change myself from the selfish, forgetful, fickle, annoying, fearful person I am. It's deep-seeded and it's overwhelming. I know that I'll crawl out of it eventually, every time, but it gets tiring facing it all.
And here now I'm going to put it out there...I always tell people my biggest fear is balding (I know, weird) or not living up to my full purpose. But right now it's not. As silly as it sounds to myself and most others, my biggest fear is that I have some sort of emotional-level problem (a very very mild bipolar disorder or something). This is hard for me to say. I have been dealing with my whole "all-or-nothing" mentality for the last year and a half now (dealing in a sense that I've just realized it, though I can see it back through most of my life) and I think that part of me is so desperate to have something to blame that on...that it's not my personality, it's some sort of a disorder...that I'd even consider something as drastic as that. I can't believe I'm even saying it. I think I treat this blog like a psychiatrist sometimes...
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me. [Beautiful Eulogy's "Anchor"]
But then I'm reminded of things like this, things like The Well on Thursday (that it isn't our own power that causes our life and heart transformation, but it is God and his mercy), things that show me that God is near and with me even in these dark moments, even when I'm not trusting Him well. Even when I am literally shaking because I don't know my next move. Even when I think I might be a little messed up or out of control.
But I WILL NOT BE PARALYZED THIS TIME. Not with fear, not with hopes of running away from all of it....I will run to God and He will comfort me. He will change me. He will give me confidence and hope that chases away all the fear I harbor inside the very fibers of my being. I will be honest and loving and hope that that makes a way for clarity and newness. I will love myself because God loves me. I will not participate in self-deprication unless it leads to true, Godly repentance.
This is my hope and my prayer. I'm thirsty for Your mercy.
Peace & Blessings
Like, how could I forget so easily what I had said I'd do? How could I mess up and not know how to make it right...how do things just fly out of my mind and make me so fickle?
Is it just me? I'm not doing these things on purpose. People say you'll remember things that are important to you....but that is not always true. Heck, I remember the moment I heard the Blue October song "Into the Ocean" for the first time like it was yesterday, but I can't remember to keep in touch with a friend. What.
And then the pride...I try to apologize but my pride is like, how can I make me sound not as awful of a person? I mean, I suppose there were things that prevented what should have happened...when really I should just shut up, be humble and say sorry without a "but" on the end. I make mistakes- DEAL WITH IT, SELF.
And so now I feel like I've thrown a glass at the ground and it's shattered into a thousand pieces and I just stare at it. My first thought is, throw some glue at it! Let's try the only way to fix it that I know how. But things take time and I have to deal with my mistake and give some time. I'm not patient. (I'm not proud of that either.)
I feel dark and gray and cold and beaten down. Hopeless at points. With this, with studying, with my walk with God, with my emotions, with the sad state of this campus...with how I act on a day to day basis that is so NOT representative of Jesus and His love. I make myself sick.
And here I am again; I thought I was done with this. With having those all-too-familiar moments of self-hate (do we all face this at some point?). And please don't get me wrong- not self-harm. NEVER self-harm. I hate what and who I am in this world, I hate that I can't change myself from the selfish, forgetful, fickle, annoying, fearful person I am. It's deep-seeded and it's overwhelming. I know that I'll crawl out of it eventually, every time, but it gets tiring facing it all.
And here now I'm going to put it out there...I always tell people my biggest fear is balding (I know, weird) or not living up to my full purpose. But right now it's not. As silly as it sounds to myself and most others, my biggest fear is that I have some sort of emotional-level problem (a very very mild bipolar disorder or something). This is hard for me to say. I have been dealing with my whole "all-or-nothing" mentality for the last year and a half now (dealing in a sense that I've just realized it, though I can see it back through most of my life) and I think that part of me is so desperate to have something to blame that on...that it's not my personality, it's some sort of a disorder...that I'd even consider something as drastic as that. I can't believe I'm even saying it. I think I treat this blog like a psychiatrist sometimes...
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me. [Beautiful Eulogy's "Anchor"]
But then I'm reminded of things like this, things like The Well on Thursday (that it isn't our own power that causes our life and heart transformation, but it is God and his mercy), things that show me that God is near and with me even in these dark moments, even when I'm not trusting Him well. Even when I am literally shaking because I don't know my next move. Even when I think I might be a little messed up or out of control.
But I WILL NOT BE PARALYZED THIS TIME. Not with fear, not with hopes of running away from all of it....I will run to God and He will comfort me. He will change me. He will give me confidence and hope that chases away all the fear I harbor inside the very fibers of my being. I will be honest and loving and hope that that makes a way for clarity and newness. I will love myself because God loves me. I will not participate in self-deprication unless it leads to true, Godly repentance.
This is my hope and my prayer. I'm thirsty for Your mercy.
Peace & Blessings
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