Remember how great I felt on Tuesday? How happy I was to be in food service and how much I was enjoying my time loving on the customers and my coworkers?
Yeah. I walked into work the next day and it felt completely different. I didn't want to even smile at the customers. I didn't have the energy even to talk to them at a normal hearing level. Today was tough too. I have had the hardest time loving people the last couple days and it has been really emotionally challenging.
The devil attacked the happiness I'd found at my job(s) and tried to shake me. Well, he did shake me a little...but this morning I leaned really heavily on God to hold me together. Nothing was going right, my bagels were burning, I was behind, and I got flustered. I wanted to just give up, sit down, and cry (what am I, three years old?). But we all know times like that. I prayed. I talked to God for about an hour straight as I stood in front of the oven. I begged Him to help me hold myself together, and I asked for the strength to come out of this funk and love people the way He would want me to.
I feel so much better now than I did at 5:45am. He has been faithful. He has taken care of me, given me the strength to push through, and even started to answer my prayer that I could learn what it means to be reliant on Him. He drew me closer when I was at the edge of crumbling.
The devil's plans did not work out- this challenge to my excitement to love people only drew me closer to God. God is good, even when we do not feel good.
Even last night, when I was feeling exhausted and mentally/emotionally done with the day, He sent me a couple nice ladies at work who talked to me about my future and Jesus and it was really refreshing.
Maybe this all seems like a little thing. But for me, this is big. This is me being able to clearly see and feel God with me. I haven't felt that in a while because I've been running from Him, whether on purpose or subconsciously. This means a better understanding for me of what it looks like to lean on Him even when I want to give up or lean on another human.
And I thank You, God, for that. <3
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Food service a blessing?
When I started working at Bruegger's (bagel shop & coffee) at the end of August, I was glad to have a job that seemed so small- as in, the owners were very hands-on and the other employees seemed so nice (and all of this is definitely true!); BUT, to be honest, I was upset that I was back in the food service sector. Every time I've worked a food service job, I've told myself, never again. It's the same thing day after day, you come home smelling like whatever food you're preparing, and it always feels so under appreciated and temporary.
But perhaps something is different this time. Maybe it is me that is different, or at least my perspective on things. Or maybe the jobs I have are simply better. Probably a combination. Let me explain why it feels different, and what I am learning about myself through my work.
First of all, it is no coincidence that I got a job at Bruegger's. In August, I applied to 13 different jobs, 11 of them in the hospital (assistant positions for students/no need for much experience). I figured that since I had worked at the OSU hospitals before, I had a good chance at being hired again. Working in there can be more stimulating (sometimes), and like I'd said, I was trying to avoid food service. But I also applied to two Bruegger's locations, knowing they were hiring. I did not receive a single response back, save for the UA Bruegger's- in fact, the very morning after I applied. A text and an email from the owners. A week and a half later I was hired on, and there was something about it all that just felt right. And they were going to work with my school/church schedule, and give me my requested number of hours. Not to mention that the owners were excited about my faith and where I thought it might take me in the future. To me, it seemed too good to be true.
I have thoroughly enjoyed working with the people I do there. We talk about everything, from God to funny dreams to guy problems to phone plans to future aspirations. They encourage me and make me laugh, empathize with me when I'm tired, and have my back when I make mistakes. I have been blessed by each one of them.
And the customers. I seriously have never experienced such wonderful customers at a food service job. I joke with them, make sure they are happy, and try to get to know them and let them get to know me if they are regulars. At other jobs, my "Enjoy!" or "Have a good one!" haven't always been sincere and neither have my smiles at some points, but here I find myself actually wanting to smile and wish the customers a good day. Questions jump out of my mouth that would perhaps make for a better breakfast/lunch for them but would mean more effort or time on my end. It always warms my heart when they say thank you and really look like they mean it because they know I was trying my best to give them a good experience. (Oh my goodness I could be a poster child for food service employees haha...but these are my serious thoughts. If this is my life now, these long hour days working two food service jobs, I might as well put my all into it and try to find joy in it!)
All this leads me to what working at Bruegger's (and now my other job) has taught or shown me: how much I love and desire to make people happy. Not in the people-pleasing kind of way that comes with a bad connotation (like no backbone or that it means putting what people think of you in front of what God does/wants or whatever people say about it). Now, I knew before that this was one of my greatest desires for my life, but now I've been able to see it; it's become more tangible and obvious, to me at least. I hope that people know that this love for people and caring for them in whatever way I can flows out of God's love for me. I know people can't just know that outright...but perhaps the people closer to me can. Plus, it's the little things that make people's days.
I don't really know what this means for the rest of my life. But I do know that it will cause me to embarrass myself if only to see someone else laugh (this happens very often haha), become a "playground" for kids and run around until I nearly fall over with exhaustion (man, I miss my kids in Choluteca...I would carry them around literally all day if I could just go back right now), share personal struggles or my past with people to let them know they are not alone, actually listen to people and not always interject my own stuff, drive all over the place for people, whatever it takes.
I want to be God's hands and feet. And I want to learn how to best show that.
I want to never expect or hope for anything in return, knowing that I might never receive any praise or thanks for any of it, but learn to have a willing heart regardless.
I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, coworker, citizen, volunteer, employee, church member, small group leader.
I want to make time for people and forget about making money so much.
I want to learn to be content with less, so I can appreciate what I do have more. And to be able to give of my own stuff and time with a truly willing heart.
I want to be less prideful and not judge myself/others on what job I/they work to support myself/themselves.
So what has the "dreaded" food service sector brought me? Joy, a better understanding of myself, and also a better understanding of who I want to be. I am really thankful for what I have (even as I sit here, exhausted from the last couple days of work).
God, help me to continue to find joy in both of my jobs, no matter if I am tired or frustrated or strung out. Help me to serve You by serving Your people with all that I have. Create in me a pure heart that can focus on You above all, and not on me as I've done lately. Knock down my pride and reliance on the things of this world more and more every day, no matter how painful it might be (I know You'll be faithful to answer that, and that scares me but help me to trust You in it all). Help me to love You and not just Your guidance/blessings. Amen.
Please know that these are my desires. Guys, I am far from perfect and I screw up every minute of every day; I fail to love God, I fail to love His children, I fail to put God and others before myself. I hope you all never get a "holier than thou" feeling from my blog, because that is opposite the way I hope to write it. I am just a broken human like the 7 billion on this earth. But I am hopeful; there is redemption, there is healing, there is love that we can find and that can fill us to overflow. That love- that is what can change the world, change your life. It's changing mine every day.
Love, Peace & Blessings
But perhaps something is different this time. Maybe it is me that is different, or at least my perspective on things. Or maybe the jobs I have are simply better. Probably a combination. Let me explain why it feels different, and what I am learning about myself through my work.
First of all, it is no coincidence that I got a job at Bruegger's. In August, I applied to 13 different jobs, 11 of them in the hospital (assistant positions for students/no need for much experience). I figured that since I had worked at the OSU hospitals before, I had a good chance at being hired again. Working in there can be more stimulating (sometimes), and like I'd said, I was trying to avoid food service. But I also applied to two Bruegger's locations, knowing they were hiring. I did not receive a single response back, save for the UA Bruegger's- in fact, the very morning after I applied. A text and an email from the owners. A week and a half later I was hired on, and there was something about it all that just felt right. And they were going to work with my school/church schedule, and give me my requested number of hours. Not to mention that the owners were excited about my faith and where I thought it might take me in the future. To me, it seemed too good to be true.
I have thoroughly enjoyed working with the people I do there. We talk about everything, from God to funny dreams to guy problems to phone plans to future aspirations. They encourage me and make me laugh, empathize with me when I'm tired, and have my back when I make mistakes. I have been blessed by each one of them.
And the customers. I seriously have never experienced such wonderful customers at a food service job. I joke with them, make sure they are happy, and try to get to know them and let them get to know me if they are regulars. At other jobs, my "Enjoy!" or "Have a good one!" haven't always been sincere and neither have my smiles at some points, but here I find myself actually wanting to smile and wish the customers a good day. Questions jump out of my mouth that would perhaps make for a better breakfast/lunch for them but would mean more effort or time on my end. It always warms my heart when they say thank you and really look like they mean it because they know I was trying my best to give them a good experience. (Oh my goodness I could be a poster child for food service employees haha...but these are my serious thoughts. If this is my life now, these long hour days working two food service jobs, I might as well put my all into it and try to find joy in it!)
All this leads me to what working at Bruegger's (and now my other job) has taught or shown me: how much I love and desire to make people happy. Not in the people-pleasing kind of way that comes with a bad connotation (like no backbone or that it means putting what people think of you in front of what God does/wants or whatever people say about it). Now, I knew before that this was one of my greatest desires for my life, but now I've been able to see it; it's become more tangible and obvious, to me at least. I hope that people know that this love for people and caring for them in whatever way I can flows out of God's love for me. I know people can't just know that outright...but perhaps the people closer to me can. Plus, it's the little things that make people's days.
I don't really know what this means for the rest of my life. But I do know that it will cause me to embarrass myself if only to see someone else laugh (this happens very often haha), become a "playground" for kids and run around until I nearly fall over with exhaustion (man, I miss my kids in Choluteca...I would carry them around literally all day if I could just go back right now), share personal struggles or my past with people to let them know they are not alone, actually listen to people and not always interject my own stuff, drive all over the place for people, whatever it takes.
I want to be God's hands and feet. And I want to learn how to best show that.
I want to never expect or hope for anything in return, knowing that I might never receive any praise or thanks for any of it, but learn to have a willing heart regardless.
I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, coworker, citizen, volunteer, employee, church member, small group leader.
I want to make time for people and forget about making money so much.
I want to learn to be content with less, so I can appreciate what I do have more. And to be able to give of my own stuff and time with a truly willing heart.
I want to be less prideful and not judge myself/others on what job I/they work to support myself/themselves.
So what has the "dreaded" food service sector brought me? Joy, a better understanding of myself, and also a better understanding of who I want to be. I am really thankful for what I have (even as I sit here, exhausted from the last couple days of work).
God, help me to continue to find joy in both of my jobs, no matter if I am tired or frustrated or strung out. Help me to serve You by serving Your people with all that I have. Create in me a pure heart that can focus on You above all, and not on me as I've done lately. Knock down my pride and reliance on the things of this world more and more every day, no matter how painful it might be (I know You'll be faithful to answer that, and that scares me but help me to trust You in it all). Help me to love You and not just Your guidance/blessings. Amen.
Please know that these are my desires. Guys, I am far from perfect and I screw up every minute of every day; I fail to love God, I fail to love His children, I fail to put God and others before myself. I hope you all never get a "holier than thou" feeling from my blog, because that is opposite the way I hope to write it. I am just a broken human like the 7 billion on this earth. But I am hopeful; there is redemption, there is healing, there is love that we can find and that can fill us to overflow. That love- that is what can change the world, change your life. It's changing mine every day.
Love, Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Adulthood: What IS that?
Since graduating and getting into working full weeks, I've been stuck in this mindset of being hyper concerned with being an "adult" in everything I do, whatever that means. Like, today I worked on my budget and got my own cell phone plan. And I'm sitting here and my insides are screaming out, does this mean I'm an adult now? I feel weird. Things are expensive.
But I've discovered that we all don't really know what we're doing, I don't think anyone has it all together or feels completely grown up. I'm still going to want things that I don't need, and I'm still going to pout about it probably. I'm not going to want to make hard decisions. I'm going to want to go on vacation and not be able to because I'd now have to request off two jobs. I still want my mom to come take care of me when I get sick. And I'm still going to call my dad when I have a million questions about bills or how to fix something or if I really need to go to the doctor or not.
Today at work my coworkers were talking about being on their own and how they wished like heck that they could be back in high school with their parents still providing everything. I don't feel like that. I like the "freedom" I have now. I hated not being able to drive. Everything was so different then. But everything was pretty much dependent on my parents and now it's on me. Which yes is weird and daunting but I have this feeling like maybe now my life can move somewhere. I guess I've always wanted independence and look, I've finally got it. But it's not all I thought it would be. I always wanted to be dependent on only me and now I don't want to be alone like that. I want to lean on someone else as they lean back on me. Maybe that's what adulthood, or just maturity, means? To realize that maybe you can do it on your own (just talking people here, not Jesus right now- we definitely need Him), but that you don't want to. That that's not why we're here.
Maybe this is just hard because I've never had to finance my own bills before, other than paying for gas and food when I eat out and trips that I've been on.
But I think it's so hard because I'm trying to fit myself inside this box of what I think adulthood is, and I don't even have a definition; I also don't know if I want to fit inside said box anyways. It would be easier if I had chosen a career that matched my undergrad degree, yes. Then I might have some 9-5 job that gave me weekends off and security in the sense of finances and benefits. But that is not what I've felt God calling me to, and that is not what I desire. And I've always been okay with that, but recently the weight of that decision, at least in the short-term, is hitting me. But, as they say, patience is a virtue.
Anyways, here's what I've come to: adulthood is some weird box that people have tried to define and fit people into so that society is calm and put together. But most of us don't fit in the box, or don't really understand what the box means. I am revolting against the box!! (But don't worry mom and dad, I'm still working and paying my bills.)
Further note: I don't know how to revolt against the box because I still don't know what the box is. Or whether I'm in it or outside of it.
Another further note: I'm done with all this time I've spent worrying about if I'm adult or not. It's dumb. I'm just going to be who I am and survive on my food service hourly pay. But I can still be silly and not figured out and I can still be confused about the world and what it all means.
I love Jesus, and I love service work. And I love making people happy (usually comes through laughter at the eccentric things I say or do. Or all the dad jokes. Sorry in advance for those). And I love my friends and family and am striving to make them higher priorities in my life.
That's my jumbled mess of trying to explain how I'm feeling right now.
Peace & Blessings
But I've discovered that we all don't really know what we're doing, I don't think anyone has it all together or feels completely grown up. I'm still going to want things that I don't need, and I'm still going to pout about it probably. I'm not going to want to make hard decisions. I'm going to want to go on vacation and not be able to because I'd now have to request off two jobs. I still want my mom to come take care of me when I get sick. And I'm still going to call my dad when I have a million questions about bills or how to fix something or if I really need to go to the doctor or not.
Today at work my coworkers were talking about being on their own and how they wished like heck that they could be back in high school with their parents still providing everything. I don't feel like that. I like the "freedom" I have now. I hated not being able to drive. Everything was so different then. But everything was pretty much dependent on my parents and now it's on me. Which yes is weird and daunting but I have this feeling like maybe now my life can move somewhere. I guess I've always wanted independence and look, I've finally got it. But it's not all I thought it would be. I always wanted to be dependent on only me and now I don't want to be alone like that. I want to lean on someone else as they lean back on me. Maybe that's what adulthood, or just maturity, means? To realize that maybe you can do it on your own (just talking people here, not Jesus right now- we definitely need Him), but that you don't want to. That that's not why we're here.
Maybe this is just hard because I've never had to finance my own bills before, other than paying for gas and food when I eat out and trips that I've been on.
But I think it's so hard because I'm trying to fit myself inside this box of what I think adulthood is, and I don't even have a definition; I also don't know if I want to fit inside said box anyways. It would be easier if I had chosen a career that matched my undergrad degree, yes. Then I might have some 9-5 job that gave me weekends off and security in the sense of finances and benefits. But that is not what I've felt God calling me to, and that is not what I desire. And I've always been okay with that, but recently the weight of that decision, at least in the short-term, is hitting me. But, as they say, patience is a virtue.
Anyways, here's what I've come to: adulthood is some weird box that people have tried to define and fit people into so that society is calm and put together. But most of us don't fit in the box, or don't really understand what the box means. I am revolting against the box!! (But don't worry mom and dad, I'm still working and paying my bills.)
Further note: I don't know how to revolt against the box because I still don't know what the box is. Or whether I'm in it or outside of it.
Another further note: I'm done with all this time I've spent worrying about if I'm adult or not. It's dumb. I'm just going to be who I am and survive on my food service hourly pay. But I can still be silly and not figured out and I can still be confused about the world and what it all means.
I love Jesus, and I love service work. And I love making people happy (usually comes through laughter at the eccentric things I say or do. Or all the dad jokes. Sorry in advance for those). And I love my friends and family and am striving to make them higher priorities in my life.
That's my jumbled mess of trying to explain how I'm feeling right now.
Peace & Blessings
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)