We weren't meant to go it alone.
We were made first in a relationship with the Father. Then we were given a partner. Man first has God, then man has woman. And woman, of course, has both too.
Life isn't easy and we need to be able to talk. Talk about what's wrong, about what's good, what we regret, what we hope with all of our strength for.
I hide. A lot. Used to be more often than not. My first instinct is to run away, get away from whatever bad is bothering me. And I've just now realized that this is 5 year-old logic. KIDS run away. So why do I think it's okay, even if it's just emotional running?
But sometimes everything breaks and you're just not okay. You're just not and you have to admit it and just be not okay for a while. We have to talk about it, get it out, put words to it so that we realize how real it is. Once we realize that it's there and it's not going anywhere until we do something about it, there's a weight lifted off our shoulders.
Say something, I'm giving up on you...
Don't make someone say this to you. Say it. Be honest. Why?
1) It could save your life. There's nothing funny about thoughts to remove yourself from a situation, especially if they're as drastic as self-harm.
2) Someone else might be going through the same thing. Maybe they're too afraid to talk about it and just need some nudging.
3) Shoving feelings down all the time means eventually they have to come up. They don't just magically disappear. Deal with them when they happen.
4) If you stay closed off all the time, you're bound to lose people you care about. It makes them think that you don't see them as trustworthy or close enough to hold your worst moments.
5) People in your life that care about you...they will worry. They will blame themselves. Let them in, if just a little. Why? Because they care. They genuinely care.
Random thoughts after I had a breakdown on Sunday. I had to get it out. Maybe you should too.
Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Some cool realizations --> venting
First of all, my church on campus hosted a free retreat last night through this morning. I only got to attend last night's session and events, but I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. The topic of the session last night was "Disciples Making Disciples," and to be honest with you, I wasn't looking forward to it. Why? It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me think of collecting people. It reminds me of how a few of my friends feel about some Christians "pushing" their beliefs on others. (Not that this is what all churches teach AT ALL. Maybe it's just the way I've taken it. I don't know.)
It's made me hate it. It's brought me to a place where I shudder when I hear the word "convert," or at least the bad connotations of the world nowadays. Why?
Because it should never be about adding another number to the list.
I don't think that's ever what Jesus wanted. He wanted people to love Him out of their own choice. And He wanted the people that already loved and followed Him to love others, because we love out of the love that God has shown us.
I can't think of any place in the Bible where Jesus argued with someone over His identity as the Son of God (other people argued with Him, but He didn't like pull out his lineage and say, look, I really am from David's line, my mother and father really were told that they were to raise the Son of God...etc). He simply loved them, served them, and taught them His truths. He was bold in what He taught, yes, but He never tried to argue people into believing it. He let them come to Him.
So why do some of us Christians try to do that? Why are we defending our faith? Shouldn't we rather be inviting people to join us? Rob Bell said it best in Velvet Elvis. He said that our faith is like a trampoline; now, people rarely defend a trampoline...rather, you invite people to jump on it with you!
Now, there is something to say for spiritual conversations, where people are sharing openly about what they believe, and why they believe that. It goes wrong when one person decides that they must make the other person believe exactly what they do. That's no longer just a conversation, it's no longer comfortable for either person, and it's not loving. It's a project. And PEOPLE ARE NOT PROJECTS. People's hearts are not projects. We have to get over the thought of the quick fix and reducing our faith to a cultish nature. A cult wants to get people in, any way possible; a church should want to love people, and have people want to join because they see God moving through the members.
Anyways...back to my point. I was not looking forward to this talk. I didn't want to come out of it mad, and then making me question my whole life because I do believe in the Great Commission so what does that mean for me?....It's frustrating.
I was happily surprised though. We looked at three passages and asked ourselves, how do these passages show how Jesus made disciples? [Mark 5:21-43 (Healing of Jairus' daughter), Matthew 17:1-13 (Christ's transfiguration), and Matthew 26:36-46 (Garden of Gethsemane)]
We got into the Word, and it was so good. It was refreshing because it reminded me of what I was talking about above. Jesus wasn't trying to argue His points just to get one more follower. He was loving people, serving people, teaching people, and then taking some of them along with Him to see how He did all He did. He was raw with them, sharing His emotions in His most vulnerable moments, like in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was betrayed. In the transfiguration, He showed them a taste of who He really was- the holy son of God. He allowed them into His world. AND HE DIDN'T FORCE THEM IN. He asked them to come with Him, but they had a choice.
And I read past the Garden into His "trial." He had plenty of chances to argue His case, go back to scripture and point out all the prophecies He fulfilled, prove to them that He was who He was. But He didn't do it. Arguing someone into believing something hardly ever works (or lasts). And He knew that.
So this wasn't at all what I meant to blog about today. I meant to talk about how we talked about Peter, James, and John in these passages and how I know God is trying to teach me something from my strong feeling of comraderie with Peter...but I don't yet know what it is. (Though I have a feeling that it's something I will be called back to my entire life.) I meant to talk about how cool it was that I had just been thinking about all this, and how my personal understanding of faith right now intersects with all of it.
Another thing, the thing I most wanted to blog about- the most important thing I've learned from a book (that isn't the Bible). Rob Bell in his book Velvet Elvis (which I keep talking about, I know) talks about how people are so burdened with "taking the Gospel/Christ" to all these "lost" parts of the world. Well, Rob reminded us that God is in everything, He is everywhere. He is blessing people of the world no matter their beliefs. When God told Abraham that He wanted to bless the world through him, He didn't say "I want to bless the world, but only the good, Bible-based Christians that talk about me 24/7;" He said the whole world. No stipulations. So anyways, if God is already everywhere and in everyone in some way, then we don't have to "carry" or "take" the Gospel anywhere. We simply point out what God has been doing all around them this whole time. Because He is active in EVERYONE. EVERYWHERE.
That, my friends, is the single most amazing thing I've learned from a book. People in these little corners of the world might never have heard of Jesus and His sacrifice, but God is still there with them. Maybe we just need to point it out.
So cool.
Here's to an entirely-too-long-and-off-the-original-topic blog post, y'all.
Peace & Blessings
It's made me hate it. It's brought me to a place where I shudder when I hear the word "convert," or at least the bad connotations of the world nowadays. Why?
Because it should never be about adding another number to the list.
I don't think that's ever what Jesus wanted. He wanted people to love Him out of their own choice. And He wanted the people that already loved and followed Him to love others, because we love out of the love that God has shown us.
I can't think of any place in the Bible where Jesus argued with someone over His identity as the Son of God (other people argued with Him, but He didn't like pull out his lineage and say, look, I really am from David's line, my mother and father really were told that they were to raise the Son of God...etc). He simply loved them, served them, and taught them His truths. He was bold in what He taught, yes, but He never tried to argue people into believing it. He let them come to Him.
So why do some of us Christians try to do that? Why are we defending our faith? Shouldn't we rather be inviting people to join us? Rob Bell said it best in Velvet Elvis. He said that our faith is like a trampoline; now, people rarely defend a trampoline...rather, you invite people to jump on it with you!
Now, there is something to say for spiritual conversations, where people are sharing openly about what they believe, and why they believe that. It goes wrong when one person decides that they must make the other person believe exactly what they do. That's no longer just a conversation, it's no longer comfortable for either person, and it's not loving. It's a project. And PEOPLE ARE NOT PROJECTS. People's hearts are not projects. We have to get over the thought of the quick fix and reducing our faith to a cultish nature. A cult wants to get people in, any way possible; a church should want to love people, and have people want to join because they see God moving through the members.
Anyways...back to my point. I was not looking forward to this talk. I didn't want to come out of it mad, and then making me question my whole life because I do believe in the Great Commission so what does that mean for me?....It's frustrating.
I was happily surprised though. We looked at three passages and asked ourselves, how do these passages show how Jesus made disciples? [Mark 5:21-43 (Healing of Jairus' daughter), Matthew 17:1-13 (Christ's transfiguration), and Matthew 26:36-46 (Garden of Gethsemane)]
We got into the Word, and it was so good. It was refreshing because it reminded me of what I was talking about above. Jesus wasn't trying to argue His points just to get one more follower. He was loving people, serving people, teaching people, and then taking some of them along with Him to see how He did all He did. He was raw with them, sharing His emotions in His most vulnerable moments, like in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was betrayed. In the transfiguration, He showed them a taste of who He really was- the holy son of God. He allowed them into His world. AND HE DIDN'T FORCE THEM IN. He asked them to come with Him, but they had a choice.
And I read past the Garden into His "trial." He had plenty of chances to argue His case, go back to scripture and point out all the prophecies He fulfilled, prove to them that He was who He was. But He didn't do it. Arguing someone into believing something hardly ever works (or lasts). And He knew that.
So this wasn't at all what I meant to blog about today. I meant to talk about how we talked about Peter, James, and John in these passages and how I know God is trying to teach me something from my strong feeling of comraderie with Peter...but I don't yet know what it is. (Though I have a feeling that it's something I will be called back to my entire life.) I meant to talk about how cool it was that I had just been thinking about all this, and how my personal understanding of faith right now intersects with all of it.
Another thing, the thing I most wanted to blog about- the most important thing I've learned from a book (that isn't the Bible). Rob Bell in his book Velvet Elvis (which I keep talking about, I know) talks about how people are so burdened with "taking the Gospel/Christ" to all these "lost" parts of the world. Well, Rob reminded us that God is in everything, He is everywhere. He is blessing people of the world no matter their beliefs. When God told Abraham that He wanted to bless the world through him, He didn't say "I want to bless the world, but only the good, Bible-based Christians that talk about me 24/7;" He said the whole world. No stipulations. So anyways, if God is already everywhere and in everyone in some way, then we don't have to "carry" or "take" the Gospel anywhere. We simply point out what God has been doing all around them this whole time. Because He is active in EVERYONE. EVERYWHERE.
That, my friends, is the single most amazing thing I've learned from a book. People in these little corners of the world might never have heard of Jesus and His sacrifice, but God is still there with them. Maybe we just need to point it out.
So cool.
Here's to an entirely-too-long-and-off-the-original-topic blog post, y'all.
Peace & Blessings
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Connections
I feel like Peter. Peter the disciple of Jesus in the Bible.
Have you ever had that? Where you read about or find out about people's actions and you know exactly what they were thinking? That you would have been right there with that person? You feel this strange connection that you can't explain and even though you're separated by so much time and space, you feel like you're understood.
That's how I've been feeling for a few months now, with Peter. What sparked it, you might ask? A few things.
1) I'm a "do-er," meaning I like to take action and I learn by doing things. So when Mary Magdalene came to the disciples on the third day after Jesus' death and told them the tomb was empty, and Peter took off running to the tomb to see for himself (Luke 24:12), it just felt right. Like of course you would run there immediately. Also with this, Peter didn't want to just see miracles happen, he wanted to be a part of it himself. He wanted to DO. So, when the disciples saw Jesus coming to them on the water, Peter calls out and asks if he can come to Jesus on the water too (Matthew 14:22-33). He loses faith (which also resonates) and Jesus must save him, but he wants with all his heart to believe and do it too.
2) Peter did not hesitate to question. He was curious and didn't see any point in waiting to ask, maybe since Jesus was right there with Him (example, Matthew 18:21). I understand this- I'm curious and figure I might as well just ask.
3) Peter often acts rashly and makes mistakes. The time I was most reminded of this was when they were in the garden of Gethsemane the night Jesus was betrayed; Peter sees the guards going in for Jesus and cuts off one of their ears (John 18:10), for which Jesus rebukes him. I've done many things without thinking or asking, simply on a whim that they will advance Christ's efforts. I understand that.
A week ago, I decided to look into it a little more and did some researching via Google (thank you, internet!). Not to my surprise, I found a lot more similarities.
1) I think Jesus knew that Peter needed a little something extra, needed to see a few more miracles than perhaps the other disciples did to really understand. Jesus always brought Peter along with him, whether it was to witness miracles or the transfiguration. Jesus so badly wanted to help Peter understand who He was and what He was doing here on the earth. Sometimes I feel God is doing this with me.
2) Peter is a little proud. He seems to not want to receive anything that he doesn't deserve- or that someone else should be giving. The most salient example of this is when Jesus goes to wash the disciple's feet in John 13. When it comes to Peter, he can't imagine how it would be right for Jesus to wash his feet- I think it even makes him uncomfortable. It seems he has a hard time receiving things, which I totally get. It's difficult for me to receive compliments, favors, or help with nearly anything. In reference to the latter, it is because of some pride. Also, Peter, after refusing to have his feet washed, asks then for his whole body to be cleansed, as though he needs assurance in his salvation after having these doubts or hearing from Jesus that Peter is in the wrong. I feel I try to make up for things all the time after I'm wrong, to make sure I'm okay.
3) Jesus may also have known that Peter needed some repetition to learn or transition, much as I do in a lot of areas of my life. Before Jesus left for heaven, He asked Peter three times if Peter loved Him, and if so, that he was to "feed His sheep." Peter gets a little annoyed by the third time and tells Jesus that He knows that Peter does love Him. (John 21:14-17) When I feel like I'm in the same battle again and again, I do get a little annoyed and often tell God, hey, I've already learned this...why do I have to go through this pain again? when really I've got myself back into the same situation of my own accord. Sometimes I really need things drilled into my head before I finally understand and have learned.
4) Peter had to know. When Jesus was arrested, even after all the other disciples fled, Peter followed Jesus and his captors. Though he denied Jesus three times (like he was told he would; Luke 22:54-62), he did follow and did feel an incredible amount of shame from the denials- wept bitterly. Again, this is a curious mind yet a sometimes fickle outward show. I feel that.
5) I've often felt as though I am deep in the middle of a spiritual battle. I feel the pull of each side very strongly, and sometimes in a very real way. Jesus says to Peter one time that Satan has wanted to "sift all of [them] as wheat," (Luke 22:31-32), but that Jesus has prayed for Peter and asks him to strengthen his brothers when he "turns back." Just like I'm sure it reassured Peter, it is wonderful to know that Jesus is on our side and is protecting us from the devil.
I love this. It makes me feel understood and closer to Jesus than I have many times before. It also reminds me that there is always room for improvement, always ways to grow. There is no endpoint in faith- rather, it is a journey.
I encourage you all to get into the Word and really connect with the words and the characters. Read between the lines- I always feel so much emotion emanating from the pages when I read. Think of it less of a book and more of an interactive story. Sure, the tales and histories are old, but I think there is truth in all of them that we encounter every day!
Much love,
Peace & Blessings
[A lot of these similarities were pointed out to me by one website in specific, thanks to The Master's Prayer Network and their character studies!]
Have you ever had that? Where you read about or find out about people's actions and you know exactly what they were thinking? That you would have been right there with that person? You feel this strange connection that you can't explain and even though you're separated by so much time and space, you feel like you're understood.
That's how I've been feeling for a few months now, with Peter. What sparked it, you might ask? A few things.
1) I'm a "do-er," meaning I like to take action and I learn by doing things. So when Mary Magdalene came to the disciples on the third day after Jesus' death and told them the tomb was empty, and Peter took off running to the tomb to see for himself (Luke 24:12), it just felt right. Like of course you would run there immediately. Also with this, Peter didn't want to just see miracles happen, he wanted to be a part of it himself. He wanted to DO. So, when the disciples saw Jesus coming to them on the water, Peter calls out and asks if he can come to Jesus on the water too (Matthew 14:22-33). He loses faith (which also resonates) and Jesus must save him, but he wants with all his heart to believe and do it too.
2) Peter did not hesitate to question. He was curious and didn't see any point in waiting to ask, maybe since Jesus was right there with Him (example, Matthew 18:21). I understand this- I'm curious and figure I might as well just ask.
3) Peter often acts rashly and makes mistakes. The time I was most reminded of this was when they were in the garden of Gethsemane the night Jesus was betrayed; Peter sees the guards going in for Jesus and cuts off one of their ears (John 18:10), for which Jesus rebukes him. I've done many things without thinking or asking, simply on a whim that they will advance Christ's efforts. I understand that.
A week ago, I decided to look into it a little more and did some researching via Google (thank you, internet!). Not to my surprise, I found a lot more similarities.
1) I think Jesus knew that Peter needed a little something extra, needed to see a few more miracles than perhaps the other disciples did to really understand. Jesus always brought Peter along with him, whether it was to witness miracles or the transfiguration. Jesus so badly wanted to help Peter understand who He was and what He was doing here on the earth. Sometimes I feel God is doing this with me.
2) Peter is a little proud. He seems to not want to receive anything that he doesn't deserve- or that someone else should be giving. The most salient example of this is when Jesus goes to wash the disciple's feet in John 13. When it comes to Peter, he can't imagine how it would be right for Jesus to wash his feet- I think it even makes him uncomfortable. It seems he has a hard time receiving things, which I totally get. It's difficult for me to receive compliments, favors, or help with nearly anything. In reference to the latter, it is because of some pride. Also, Peter, after refusing to have his feet washed, asks then for his whole body to be cleansed, as though he needs assurance in his salvation after having these doubts or hearing from Jesus that Peter is in the wrong. I feel I try to make up for things all the time after I'm wrong, to make sure I'm okay.
3) Jesus may also have known that Peter needed some repetition to learn or transition, much as I do in a lot of areas of my life. Before Jesus left for heaven, He asked Peter three times if Peter loved Him, and if so, that he was to "feed His sheep." Peter gets a little annoyed by the third time and tells Jesus that He knows that Peter does love Him. (John 21:14-17) When I feel like I'm in the same battle again and again, I do get a little annoyed and often tell God, hey, I've already learned this...why do I have to go through this pain again? when really I've got myself back into the same situation of my own accord. Sometimes I really need things drilled into my head before I finally understand and have learned.
4) Peter had to know. When Jesus was arrested, even after all the other disciples fled, Peter followed Jesus and his captors. Though he denied Jesus three times (like he was told he would; Luke 22:54-62), he did follow and did feel an incredible amount of shame from the denials- wept bitterly. Again, this is a curious mind yet a sometimes fickle outward show. I feel that.
5) I've often felt as though I am deep in the middle of a spiritual battle. I feel the pull of each side very strongly, and sometimes in a very real way. Jesus says to Peter one time that Satan has wanted to "sift all of [them] as wheat," (Luke 22:31-32), but that Jesus has prayed for Peter and asks him to strengthen his brothers when he "turns back." Just like I'm sure it reassured Peter, it is wonderful to know that Jesus is on our side and is protecting us from the devil.
I love this. It makes me feel understood and closer to Jesus than I have many times before. It also reminds me that there is always room for improvement, always ways to grow. There is no endpoint in faith- rather, it is a journey.
I encourage you all to get into the Word and really connect with the words and the characters. Read between the lines- I always feel so much emotion emanating from the pages when I read. Think of it less of a book and more of an interactive story. Sure, the tales and histories are old, but I think there is truth in all of them that we encounter every day!
Much love,
Peace & Blessings
[A lot of these similarities were pointed out to me by one website in specific, thanks to The Master's Prayer Network and their character studies!]
Monday, January 6, 2014
Humbled & Amazed
You know what's humbling? Faith. Also? Hope. Why?
Because the two don't focus on "YOU" at all.
We have an object of faith. We have a hope for something greater to occur. Neither of these are borne of us or anything that we can do or think to do.
For me, it's recently become very humbling. Partially due to the realization that faith and hope have an object...but the other part due to finally coming to understand that I cannot make all these things in my life happen. I cannot personally change the world. I alone cannot change people. I cannot rid the people around me of greed, vanity, and hatred, partially because I cannot rid myself of these repulsive tendencies. (Perhaps that is why I am feeling so bitter towards others these days...because I am projecting my worst qualities on them...but that's for another day.) What I hope for? I have no means to the end. Not by myself, at least.
Where did this all come from? I think it's been wrestling for a spot in my mind's eye for quite a while. But what finally got it there was 1) thoughts in a book (Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, a very interesting and mind opening read), and 2) this past Sunday's message.
Before you read all this below, I want to say something. Yes, most of this is just my thoughts and how God has shaped my life recently. But I hope you can take some truths out of it. I don't want this to be about me. I think the lessons I'm learning are some of what we all learn. It's what God is doing, not what I am.
We just began a sermon series on Philippians on Sunday, and the first question struck me hard. "What do you have full confidence in? Think about it for a second, then tell someone sitting next to you. Go on! Do it!"
I don't know how everyone else felt, but as I started going through a list of possibilities, then reached the end of that list with nothing concrete, I had no idea what to say. I felt I should have an answer, so I said my family (if you're reading this, I love you guys, you're not just a backup but let me explain!), which is so often true. Had you asked me this at the end of last school year, I would have quickly said my intelligence or my grades. Perhaps with a hint of pride, but not gloating. (I've fought that, and I don't want to be like that.) Probably friends and family too.
I hesitate to say that everything has changed, but it's honestly the truth.
To preface this, nothing horrible has happened that has ripped me away from these things. God has just helped me come to realize my fearful grip I've had on all these things because I was so scared that if I lost them, then who would I be...my grip was there for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to secure myself an identity that I could ultimately control, one that was safe and unchanging.
What a lie we've all told ourselves- that we can control it all. That things don't have to change if we are careful enough. That if we grip onto something or someone on this earth tight enough that they'll never leave and we'll never have to question who we are without them.
As the last semester for many of my friends begins, and my second to last one, CHANGE is now the looming thundercloud on the horizon. People are moving on with their lives, becoming "real people" as we call them, and I'm not always going to live in the same apartment as them or a few blocks away from them. Next year I'll be responsible for all bills, insurances, you name it, it'll be my problem then. I won't have my parents and family there any longer telling me that I can be whatever I want to be and they'll support me 100% because I'm already supposed to be that person and I don't even know where I'll be in a year...and honestly I don't know where I want to be.
My whole life I've been clinging to things so that I don't have to do it all on my own. And all those things are going to be different in four months, in a year. And, over the last year, God has been slowly and gently, albeit painfully, prying my fingers loose from each object or person.
1) My grades. No longer am I a straight A or even A- student. At first, it killed me on the inside, hurt me much more than I'd care to divulge. But I've been shown that my identity does not rest on a 4.0 GPA. My worth is not found in being at the top of my class. And I'm okay with that for the first time in my entire life.
2) My friends. I've had a rough year with staying in contact, being a good friend, and seeing good friends on the reg. I didn't know what was going on in a lot of my friends' lives, and started feeling apathy because to me, I had failed. Yes, many of my friends I've made here and some in high school will be friends for life. But my identity is also not found in them (though I love you and care for you all dearly). Though they'll always be a phone call away, lives get busy and who knows if we'll even be in the same countries in 2 years time...but I've finally realized that this is no reason for apathy. No reason to be reserved and pull back for fear it'll hurt on "goodbye." I will love them and know them while I have the time, but I will not depend on them for my knowledge of myself. And that is healthy.
3) My family. I love my family more than anything here on this earth. But I've been challenged more this year by their doubts of my future plans, dreams, whatever. (To those of you who are reading this- I am not mad about your doubts, and if you haven't doubted or thought I'm crazy then thank you, but thank you to those who do think I'm crazy too.) Yeah, I've been fickle in my last few years of "what I want to be when I grow up." Yeah, I've sounded crazy, and my family gets the worst of it because I figure they're the only people who can't leave me or stop loving me even if I am insane. Which isn't exactly true but it's been what I've chosen to believe. But I digress...I've finally come to terms with the fact that if God is calling me to something, or if I feel so strongly about something I must do- not even my family should be able to stop me. I cannot live my life people-pleasing any longer, because rarely is people-pleasing- in the sense we see it- also God-pleasing. To have my identity stretched so many different ways is not healthy, nor will it form me into the person God would have me to be.
4) A romantic relationship. For so long I've dreamed of my "perfect man" coming along and making everything okay. And now I cannot believe that for all this time I have been so completely and utterly wrong. My life does not begin when I fall in love, get married, etc...and my identity is certainly not molded by the men in my life. God has been trying to teach me this gently, but sometimes it's taken some tough love to lead me to the truth. I've thought I'd found "him" a couple times. But then my strength slips and all I am is consumed by this person and I forget who I am and who the real Him is. I forget that God is THE perfect man, in Jesus Christ, and that no earthly man will ever make me whole like He can. God has been telling me for so long that now is not my time...at least not for the last couple years. I've fought it for a long time, but am finally starting to accept it. I said this a couple years ago, and it still rings true: I want to fall in love with God before I fall in love with a man here. Maybe it will be a somewhat tandem thing. Who knows. But right now I am investing in God.
And perhaps this has all been leading up to now. Perhaps I am just now seeing the puzzle pieces fitting together, even if it's just a minute section of the puzzle that is my life. God is stringing me down, just like I've been asking. Prying my fingers loose and making Him the one solid person/thing I could cling to.
Ha. Funny thing is, I'd been hesitant for so long in asking for this, for being completely "in" when I was asking Him for this, because I thought He was going to make it something extremely drastic, like everything and everyone around me completely gone. Maybe I was expecting the book of Job. But maybe He didn't think that would be right in my life. Reliance only when I had literally nothing left that I could turn to...I don't think that is the kind of reliance He wanted from me. He knew that I probably needed to learn to rely on Him even when I did have a choice to still grab on to something else, even if that "something else" wasn't perfect. So He helped by partially tearing some things down but not completely- training me IN the battlefield. All this makes me reminiscent of the movie Evan Almighty when "God" in the form of Morgan Freeman is talking to Evan's wife about what she expected from God when she asked for her family to be closer. For my life, it sounds more like this: When you ask God for increased faith in and reliance on Him, is He going to just give that to you, or give you the opportunity to develop it?
Mind. Blown. I'm just realizing all this now.
I am so humbled by this. How He has so beautifully crafted all of this craziness and things this year that I have hated and that have depressed me...He has done all these things to prepare me for what is next, to grow my faith and my reliance on Him. How He has shown me that it is not me, that it is HIM that will make a difference in this world, but I am able and blessed to be able to be His hands and feet. And hope in a better world and a plan for my life? Awesome. Humbling to know that a) it is not up to me to make miracles happen, and b) it never was up to me because I couldn't do it alone anyways. Plus, if He would do all of this...line all of this up just so I could learn a little more about faith...then how could I ever doubt that He has an awesome-amazing-super-fantastic plan for the rest of my days here??
You know what all this does, too? Makes me love Him. Makes me want to rely on Him, rather than thinking that, well, who else do I have?
And to bring it back to the question in service of what I have confidence in...as I came to the end of my list with nothing, I didn't feel despair. I wanted to feel despair...in fact, I think I tried to conjure it up. It was what I expected to feel.
What did I feel instead? Peace. Relief. A strange sense that I had come a long way, that I was on the right path and I was moving forward. It's kind of all hitting me now, because in that moment I think I was so confused by these good emotions when expecting the bad.
Like God had loosened my fingers on all the things here, and I was starting to place my confidence in Him, in something heavenly, instead.
I've still got a lot of learning to do and a lot of improvements to make (as well as a lot of mistakes along the way), but God is here with me to grow me and care for me.
And that, my friends, is something utterly fantastic.
Peace & Blessings
[...we have to face the clouds to see the silver lining...("what faith can do", kutless) - look it up!]
Because the two don't focus on "YOU" at all.
We have an object of faith. We have a hope for something greater to occur. Neither of these are borne of us or anything that we can do or think to do.
For me, it's recently become very humbling. Partially due to the realization that faith and hope have an object...but the other part due to finally coming to understand that I cannot make all these things in my life happen. I cannot personally change the world. I alone cannot change people. I cannot rid the people around me of greed, vanity, and hatred, partially because I cannot rid myself of these repulsive tendencies. (Perhaps that is why I am feeling so bitter towards others these days...because I am projecting my worst qualities on them...but that's for another day.) What I hope for? I have no means to the end. Not by myself, at least.
Where did this all come from? I think it's been wrestling for a spot in my mind's eye for quite a while. But what finally got it there was 1) thoughts in a book (Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, a very interesting and mind opening read), and 2) this past Sunday's message.
Before you read all this below, I want to say something. Yes, most of this is just my thoughts and how God has shaped my life recently. But I hope you can take some truths out of it. I don't want this to be about me. I think the lessons I'm learning are some of what we all learn. It's what God is doing, not what I am.
We just began a sermon series on Philippians on Sunday, and the first question struck me hard. "What do you have full confidence in? Think about it for a second, then tell someone sitting next to you. Go on! Do it!"
I don't know how everyone else felt, but as I started going through a list of possibilities, then reached the end of that list with nothing concrete, I had no idea what to say. I felt I should have an answer, so I said my family (if you're reading this, I love you guys, you're not just a backup but let me explain!), which is so often true. Had you asked me this at the end of last school year, I would have quickly said my intelligence or my grades. Perhaps with a hint of pride, but not gloating. (I've fought that, and I don't want to be like that.) Probably friends and family too.
I hesitate to say that everything has changed, but it's honestly the truth.
To preface this, nothing horrible has happened that has ripped me away from these things. God has just helped me come to realize my fearful grip I've had on all these things because I was so scared that if I lost them, then who would I be...my grip was there for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to secure myself an identity that I could ultimately control, one that was safe and unchanging.
What a lie we've all told ourselves- that we can control it all. That things don't have to change if we are careful enough. That if we grip onto something or someone on this earth tight enough that they'll never leave and we'll never have to question who we are without them.
As the last semester for many of my friends begins, and my second to last one, CHANGE is now the looming thundercloud on the horizon. People are moving on with their lives, becoming "real people" as we call them, and I'm not always going to live in the same apartment as them or a few blocks away from them. Next year I'll be responsible for all bills, insurances, you name it, it'll be my problem then. I won't have my parents and family there any longer telling me that I can be whatever I want to be and they'll support me 100% because I'm already supposed to be that person and I don't even know where I'll be in a year...and honestly I don't know where I want to be.
My whole life I've been clinging to things so that I don't have to do it all on my own. And all those things are going to be different in four months, in a year. And, over the last year, God has been slowly and gently, albeit painfully, prying my fingers loose from each object or person.
1) My grades. No longer am I a straight A or even A- student. At first, it killed me on the inside, hurt me much more than I'd care to divulge. But I've been shown that my identity does not rest on a 4.0 GPA. My worth is not found in being at the top of my class. And I'm okay with that for the first time in my entire life.
2) My friends. I've had a rough year with staying in contact, being a good friend, and seeing good friends on the reg. I didn't know what was going on in a lot of my friends' lives, and started feeling apathy because to me, I had failed. Yes, many of my friends I've made here and some in high school will be friends for life. But my identity is also not found in them (though I love you and care for you all dearly). Though they'll always be a phone call away, lives get busy and who knows if we'll even be in the same countries in 2 years time...but I've finally realized that this is no reason for apathy. No reason to be reserved and pull back for fear it'll hurt on "goodbye." I will love them and know them while I have the time, but I will not depend on them for my knowledge of myself. And that is healthy.
3) My family. I love my family more than anything here on this earth. But I've been challenged more this year by their doubts of my future plans, dreams, whatever. (To those of you who are reading this- I am not mad about your doubts, and if you haven't doubted or thought I'm crazy then thank you, but thank you to those who do think I'm crazy too.) Yeah, I've been fickle in my last few years of "what I want to be when I grow up." Yeah, I've sounded crazy, and my family gets the worst of it because I figure they're the only people who can't leave me or stop loving me even if I am insane. Which isn't exactly true but it's been what I've chosen to believe. But I digress...I've finally come to terms with the fact that if God is calling me to something, or if I feel so strongly about something I must do- not even my family should be able to stop me. I cannot live my life people-pleasing any longer, because rarely is people-pleasing- in the sense we see it- also God-pleasing. To have my identity stretched so many different ways is not healthy, nor will it form me into the person God would have me to be.
4) A romantic relationship. For so long I've dreamed of my "perfect man" coming along and making everything okay. And now I cannot believe that for all this time I have been so completely and utterly wrong. My life does not begin when I fall in love, get married, etc...and my identity is certainly not molded by the men in my life. God has been trying to teach me this gently, but sometimes it's taken some tough love to lead me to the truth. I've thought I'd found "him" a couple times. But then my strength slips and all I am is consumed by this person and I forget who I am and who the real Him is. I forget that God is THE perfect man, in Jesus Christ, and that no earthly man will ever make me whole like He can. God has been telling me for so long that now is not my time...at least not for the last couple years. I've fought it for a long time, but am finally starting to accept it. I said this a couple years ago, and it still rings true: I want to fall in love with God before I fall in love with a man here. Maybe it will be a somewhat tandem thing. Who knows. But right now I am investing in God.
And perhaps this has all been leading up to now. Perhaps I am just now seeing the puzzle pieces fitting together, even if it's just a minute section of the puzzle that is my life. God is stringing me down, just like I've been asking. Prying my fingers loose and making Him the one solid person/thing I could cling to.
Ha. Funny thing is, I'd been hesitant for so long in asking for this, for being completely "in" when I was asking Him for this, because I thought He was going to make it something extremely drastic, like everything and everyone around me completely gone. Maybe I was expecting the book of Job. But maybe He didn't think that would be right in my life. Reliance only when I had literally nothing left that I could turn to...I don't think that is the kind of reliance He wanted from me. He knew that I probably needed to learn to rely on Him even when I did have a choice to still grab on to something else, even if that "something else" wasn't perfect. So He helped by partially tearing some things down but not completely- training me IN the battlefield. All this makes me reminiscent of the movie Evan Almighty when "God" in the form of Morgan Freeman is talking to Evan's wife about what she expected from God when she asked for her family to be closer. For my life, it sounds more like this: When you ask God for increased faith in and reliance on Him, is He going to just give that to you, or give you the opportunity to develop it?
Mind. Blown. I'm just realizing all this now.
I am so humbled by this. How He has so beautifully crafted all of this craziness and things this year that I have hated and that have depressed me...He has done all these things to prepare me for what is next, to grow my faith and my reliance on Him. How He has shown me that it is not me, that it is HIM that will make a difference in this world, but I am able and blessed to be able to be His hands and feet. And hope in a better world and a plan for my life? Awesome. Humbling to know that a) it is not up to me to make miracles happen, and b) it never was up to me because I couldn't do it alone anyways. Plus, if He would do all of this...line all of this up just so I could learn a little more about faith...then how could I ever doubt that He has an awesome-amazing-super-fantastic plan for the rest of my days here??
You know what all this does, too? Makes me love Him. Makes me want to rely on Him, rather than thinking that, well, who else do I have?
And to bring it back to the question in service of what I have confidence in...as I came to the end of my list with nothing, I didn't feel despair. I wanted to feel despair...in fact, I think I tried to conjure it up. It was what I expected to feel.
What did I feel instead? Peace. Relief. A strange sense that I had come a long way, that I was on the right path and I was moving forward. It's kind of all hitting me now, because in that moment I think I was so confused by these good emotions when expecting the bad.
Like God had loosened my fingers on all the things here, and I was starting to place my confidence in Him, in something heavenly, instead.
I've still got a lot of learning to do and a lot of improvements to make (as well as a lot of mistakes along the way), but God is here with me to grow me and care for me.
And that, my friends, is something utterly fantastic.
Peace & Blessings
[...we have to face the clouds to see the silver lining...("what faith can do", kutless) - look it up!]
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Exciting updates!
I forgot to mention something very important in my last post, probably because I was dead tired (but had to get those thoughts out).
But...I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! This summer I will be in Honduras serving as a ministry intern for a program called LT, or Leadership Training. Two months of learning how to lead, serving the community, and growing in my faith by putting myself in a place and position that is entirely uncomfortable. Two months of trusting that God not only can, but he will, of discerning if a life of ministry tied to out-of-country service is feasible. In that way, it's killing two birds with one stone:
1) For a while now, at least from the end of my high school career, I've felt a calling or some sort of urging towards working with people in some place other than the USA.
However, this internship looks a little different than others. It's "paid"- but by support raising. That means I need help! Not only do I need help, but I need a whole lot of faith and trust in God. I think that is going to be the most challenging part, but also the aspect I will get the most out of. I am nervous but extremely excited to see how God grows my relationship with Him over these next few months as I rely on Him to provide (through His beautiful servants and angels here on earth)!
Here's where it starts. I am attending an Intern Conference on "Ministry Team Development," aka support raising, January 18-20 right here in Columbus, and there they will help me with the logistics and the basics of raising money to get me to Honduras.
I've calculated it and it seems I will need to raise around $7500 for my time there. This includes the cost of the program itself (lodging, meals, the intern training), pay each week, and my flight there and back. It seems like a lot, I know, and it does terrify me to think about. EEEK! But, God is good. God is faithful and if He truly has called me here and really wants me there, He will make it happen- of that I am 100% positive. :)
I've been super encouraged by hearing about websites that help people like me reach out into the community to raise money for their causes and ambitions. Well, I am going to check out that scene! I am in the process right now of setting up a Fundly account and will have a link posted on here soon. Aahhh! And here is the link to my Fundly page!
And, if you keep up with my blog here, I'm going to be doing a series of posts over the next few weeks (and beyond) to tell you all a little more about me, about what God's been teaching or showing me, and the things I dream about doing in the future. I would never want you guys to blindly support me without knowing all there is to know. (Also, always feel free to comment and ask questions.) If you want more information about GCM (the ministry organization that leads my church, h2o, in Columbus, OH, and who leads the LT programs) or about Honduras LT specifically, click on the links on their names!
I cannot WAIT to see where God takes this support raising and how He transforms my heart over the next few months!
Much Love,
Peace & Blessings
But...I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! This summer I will be in Honduras serving as a ministry intern for a program called LT, or Leadership Training. Two months of learning how to lead, serving the community, and growing in my faith by putting myself in a place and position that is entirely uncomfortable. Two months of trusting that God not only can, but he will, of discerning if a life of ministry tied to out-of-country service is feasible. In that way, it's killing two birds with one stone:
1) For a while now, at least from the end of my high school career, I've felt a calling or some sort of urging towards working with people in some place other than the USA.
Now, I want to be sure you know something. A lot of people have talked to me/asked me about this. I know that there are many people that need our help right here in the US. I am not denying this by saying that I want to go elsewhere. In ten years, I might very well be in the heart of Detroit or in some rural community in Appalachia. But right now, my heart is not in this country. This is part of why I am so excited about going to Honduras. To see if this is where my heart is drawn, in reality and not just in thought; to see how out-of-country mission work looks.2) I've also felt, and this is more recently, called to ministry. When I finally completely opened up to God this past October and got baptized, I started really listening for the first time in a while. And what I heard was actually something I'd had in the back of my mind for quite some time and something quite a few people have suggested to me...seminary. For the first time, it seemed like something I really wanted and something I really felt called to, instead of before just being some little option when I retired. I'd always thought too, if I was going to do some out-of-country mission/service work long-term, I would want some sort of professional training and additional Biblical knowledge before I went out there on my own (of course, with God, but I suppose I'd wanted to have it all backed up...smart or "ye of little faith"?). Don't know why I never seriously considered seminary. But anyways, this trip will also put me in a leadership position within the church and allow me to see what it looks like to serve by leading.
However, this internship looks a little different than others. It's "paid"- but by support raising. That means I need help! Not only do I need help, but I need a whole lot of faith and trust in God. I think that is going to be the most challenging part, but also the aspect I will get the most out of. I am nervous but extremely excited to see how God grows my relationship with Him over these next few months as I rely on Him to provide (through His beautiful servants and angels here on earth)!
Here's where it starts. I am attending an Intern Conference on "Ministry Team Development," aka support raising, January 18-20 right here in Columbus, and there they will help me with the logistics and the basics of raising money to get me to Honduras.
I've calculated it and it seems I will need to raise around $7500 for my time there. This includes the cost of the program itself (lodging, meals, the intern training), pay each week, and my flight there and back. It seems like a lot, I know, and it does terrify me to think about. EEEK! But, God is good. God is faithful and if He truly has called me here and really wants me there, He will make it happen- of that I am 100% positive. :)
I've been super encouraged by hearing about websites that help people like me reach out into the community to raise money for their causes and ambitions. Well, I am going to check out that scene! I am in the process right now of setting up a Fundly account and will have a link posted on here soon. Aahhh! And here is the link to my Fundly page!
And, if you keep up with my blog here, I'm going to be doing a series of posts over the next few weeks (and beyond) to tell you all a little more about me, about what God's been teaching or showing me, and the things I dream about doing in the future. I would never want you guys to blindly support me without knowing all there is to know. (Also, always feel free to comment and ask questions.) If you want more information about GCM (the ministry organization that leads my church, h2o, in Columbus, OH, and who leads the LT programs) or about Honduras LT specifically, click on the links on their names!
I cannot WAIT to see where God takes this support raising and how He transforms my heart over the next few months!
Much Love,
Peace & Blessings
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