It's time to put Faith before Fear!

I'm getting baptized!! Decided that Tuesday morning when I finally asked myself why I was putting everything off. The rest will explain :) I'll be reading [some of] this at my baptism. (Not all of it, because I think that would take a year...)
"Of this I'm sure, the past don't own us anymore."

I grew up in the church, surrounded by a loving family of believers that was reflected at home. From a young age, I can remember the church being a second home to me and absolutely loving the people there. My younger sister and I prayed with my mom or dad every night, and I still remember how we always started:  "Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for all we have, and please be with those who are less fortunate than us," followed by whatever else we wanted to tell or ask Him that night. Other than that, my elementary school and middle school years never reflected my beliefs, other than feeling I needed to be a "good Christian girl" who followed the rules and always did her best.

Doing my best turned into a feeling that I had to be the best, a performance-driven attitude that has plagued my academic, social, and spiritual lives since then and still does. I didn't only need to succeed, I needed to do it perfectly and better than everyone else. And if I didn't, I was hard on myself.

But, I think in high school I finally started to understand what following God was all about. I remember a period throughout my junior/senior years where I was reading the Bible, praying, and journaling every night. I was asking God to change me, and He was incredibly faithful. I saw my thought life changing, my priorities shifting, and I had quite literally never felt so refreshed and happy in my life. But then it was gone. My best guess is that, on the inside, I was terrified about where these changes were taking me, and I decided to back out. This happened over and over up until this point, and afterwards for years. On again, off again was my relationship with God and every time I fell away I felt more and more ashamed. My thoughts were, why can't I keep this up? Why do I keep falling away, being so fickle? And isn't God going to get tired of all this back and forth, and just give up on me? I mean, I would...

This thought pattern has followed me for years and as much as I knew in my mind that God would never give up on me, I was scared in my heart that I could mess up bad enough that He would just leave. During my summer at LT after my freshman year at OSU, things started to become clear. By thinking that maybe God could give up on me, and that I had to pull all the weight in my relationship with God to keep it from "going under," I was shown how much I did not know about God's character and how little I trusted Him. I remember giving over everything to Him after an immense amount of struggling and feeling my heart torn between my worldly desires and my need for God. But of course, coming back to campus revealed a stark contrast between how I'd hoped to live for God and how the world wanted me to live, at least while in college.

I've allowed my pride, performance-driven attitude, and skewed priorities to rule my life since then. I've continued to fight a battle between giving it all to God and knowing that could mean drastic changes to my life now and my future, and giving up on all that and just doing what's easy now, namely focusing on classes and the petty, selfish things that can make up much of our lives. The easy has mostly won, until this past summer made me see a little straighter.

This summer was an immense help to figuring out where I stand now. I was initially challenged with my own admission of "grades are the only thing I can't give over to God," prompted by Kathy Borsos' difficult questions I secretly had no interest in hearing. The community and strong support of faithful women in my summer small group made me question how I was living day to day, with little to no time with God. I was confronted with the realization that I was terrified of what a commitment to God could mean for my life, terrified enough to let it hold me back from what I knew my whole self was yearning for - a lifelong walk with Jesus.

As my mom would say, I've been stalling. I keep thinking that there is something there that is keeping me from God and His love, but I know it can't be Him:  "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:38-39. I finally saw that what was standing between God and I...was me. Me and my fear. And suddenly I was done, done with being scared, done with running from the only one who loves me unconditionally and more than I could ever imagine. He must have uncovered my eyes to let me know this, because for so long I've been stuck.

I've spent most of my spiritual life letting fear rule, and I think it's finally time for faith to take it's place. I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, that He will never leave me or stop loving me, and guess what? He knows that I'm going to continually fall short of perfection and knew that long before He died for me on that cross. And you know what else? He would have loved me just the same if I'd never even acknowledged Him. If I hated Him. If I were to never believe. I think that's someone more than worth trusting, worth putting my faith in. I believe He has a better plan for my life, even if it flips everything I have upside down. And now, because He's brought me to a place where I don't have to be scared any more, I've decided to be baptized! I know that this isn't going to make my life any easier or any less of a struggle between worldly desires and spiritual ones, but I'll know that there is a wonderful being that I can always count on for help. It doesn't mean I'm not going to fail, it means I'm going to know that there's still grace and love and forgiveness for me when I fall short. It doesn't mean that I'm magically going to know what I'm doing after I graduate, but it means that I will serve Him in whatever I end up doing. It means I no longer have to be scared. And that is something to smile about. :)

Peace & Blessings

Open letter: struggles

An open letter:
to God.

I have not been faithful. I have not trusted in your wonder and absolute perfection like I should...like I want to. I crave you, I crave to know you. My body, mind, and heart aches to know you more, to know your plan for my life.
But God, I am drowning. I don't feel useful, or worthy, or good enough for anything, especially not you. And it is true that I could never live up to your perfect standards...but I know the next part, the grace and mercy and that you sent your son to die in our place so now we are perfect in your eyes, yet I still feel like I'm the worst Christian out there. I know comparison kills, but hey we humans do a lot of things that kill.
I'm scared to "dive in" because 1) that may mean changing my plans, a LOT, and 2) well frankly, I don't even know what "diving in" means or looks like. And I think that's why I'm so terrified/turned off to baptism. I don't want to say I'm committing and then fail again.

"Of this I'm sure:  the past don't own us anymore." This line just came up in a song right when I was typing the last sentence. Wow. That couldn't have been anything but YOU showing me that you've forgotten things of the past, so shouldn't I too? Or, at least, you've forgotten the sin. Wiped it away. I keep feeling like I'm going to fail you, to let you down. I have to remind myself that you don't even need me, so I can't let you down. Plus, you know I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm needy. For goodness' sake, you made me that way!!!

You have loved me and I have fought back with all I have.
You have called to me, and I have ignored.
You've forgiven me, yet I still blame you for things of this world.
You've held me in the palm of your hand and taken care of me, but I've climbed out of your hands and tried to do it on my own.
You've listened to my every plea, I've looked past those you've told me to love.

I'm stuck in between two attitudes:  one of being broken and dealing with my own iniquities, or one of resting in the knowledge that I am your daughter, a princess in your eyes. And in typing this, I've just realized I don't think I've every truly rested in the latter. I am constantly focused on how I'm not good enough for you, how I have so far to go before I can deserve to be close with you, before I can be deserving of a man after your heart...and I just feel like I will never reach that point. I don't know why or how I can just look past the truth that says that that is EXACTLY what the cross was for. I want to make that jump completely. I want to be there with you, God!

Amen

Peace & Blessings

Slam No.1

Influenced by listening to "Beautiful Eulogy" and "Surrender" by Beautiful Eulogy. (Yes I'm writing a rap.)

realizing that we're broken is the hardest part about it
and the world that's all around us never ceases to allow it
creeps up in our bones,
in our hearts,
in our jests
never stopping for a moment to have time to realize
we're a mess.

and i feel just like a fraud to find out that i'm the culprit
as i stand up and preach loud, as if i deserve a pulpit
i stand up tall screaming out worlds and things like "grace and truth"
but in my heart i'm crying out maybe it'll make more sense to you...

have we made these things:
forgiveness, mercy, grace, love
just words in our minds in our hearts in our lives?
have we forgotten what it means to love the LORD with all our hearts?
have we lost what love is, left our hearts back at the start?

and it seems we stand for nothing
as we hide our Bibles from the ones who are closest
out of fear they'll mock and leave and then what will you be left with?
but the Gospel is so much more than ink on a parchment
but "separation of Church and State" leaves us paralyzed in our department.

so out of fear of awkward conversations
we become stalled in the world and stop loving from our low expectations
like we're the ones who can change hearts
what a lie filled with unsubstantiated pride
but it's God, He's the only one who can really save a life.

good news is that there's grace for all our follies
a second, third, hundredth chance for all us Christian "phonies" (cronies)
and He loves us no matter how far we've fallen
because He created us to worship though all we did was scorn
He sent His Son to die for us
for once
for all
"it's done."

so now we dwell in peace because we've learned that we can't be perfect
and His sacrifice has saved us though we never deserved it
His love doesn't come through our performance
so in us He's never disappointed
we are free to love, to serve the broken world around us
to reach out to the hungry souls because they used to be us.

but we don't go down this road alone and expect for Him to meet us,
rather we walk alongside and ask for Him to lead us, teach us
because our walk with Him is more than a one-sided conversation
it's a relationship, a fellowship; we find a joy in His patience

and even when we have our doubts, which seem to leave us shaken
we close our eyes, lift our hands, and stand in awe with all of His creation.

Peace&Blessings

Refreshment

I have felt so refreshed the past few days.

(For the most part at least.)

And you know what it has been coming from? UNPLANNED THINGS. Seeing friends I don't usually see, little conversations, shared laughter over something so seemingly random, and conversations with strangers in coffee shops and elevators. I even felt calm about my biochemistry midterm.

I don't know why God decided to do it this week but MAN He is blessing me so incredibly much. Through the little things. The little things that end up being the parts of our days that stand out the most.

It's reminded me of how laughable "coincidences" are. Nothing, not one thing, is coincidence. I think we were all destined to run into each other at certain times in our lives.

And it makes me so excited, instills in me this eagerness for the future. I want to get up, I want to jump up and talk to everyone. I want to love people. I want to be, with God's help, that little "random" moment of their day that stands out and makes a mediocre or bad day not really that bad or boring. That little thing they smile about as they walk away, as much out of wonderment and confusion as a spark of joy.

I just needed to get this all out because it so excited me!

Though in all of this, the devil latches a hold. This love of connecting, of loving people - it gets me antsy, makes me wonder why I'm here in Columbus, taking classes instead of making some other difference in the country, in the world. I know right now, He does want me here. But I'm so impatient. Then I think, well, what if there's a reason He's keeping me on this campus an extra year? (I mean, if He is, then I suppose there is a reason.) So why not spend time digging into people, loving them, and using my classes to have a chance to do it? Why not work as hard in my classes as I can - while still managing my time so as to not neglect Him, friends, volunteering, church, or other responsibilities?

My prayer - to have confidence in Him to be as outgoing and friendly as I most naturally am not. Let people know that they are loved, even if I don't know them from Adam.

My prayer - to keep God at the center of this, God and others, and not make it about what I can do or how it makes me feel, rather than how it makes others feel.

We can do this.
We are all strangers here, but what unwritten rule says we have to stay that way? :)

Peace & Blessings