There has been an intense battle inside me today. I have felt incredibly lonely, and in that I looked to God, but even as I did so my mind wandered…I questioned my worth, and a lot more.
These two songs came up back to back right in the middle of the pain today. Paints a pretty accurate picture of my two sides in this battle.
Matthew Mayfield, "Element"
I'm screamin' my lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing you were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize a million times
But I'm human and I'm selfish
Got the feeling I should deal with this
But I'm hiding, and no one knows,
They don't…
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Tenth Avenue North, "By Your Side"
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I'm (God) not enough?
To where will you go, child
Tell me where will you run, where will you run?
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you,
My hands are holding you…
Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, I love you, I'll never let you go, no…
I've been lonely. Isolated. Wanting to be with people and talk deeply but instead being alone because talking would be too draining or I just don't want to, thanks to my stubbornness. I've felt the ache of singleness that I haven't felt so strongly in a long time. I've tried to explain what I've felt today and I don't know how much sense it has made. All I know is that in the depths of loneliness I've been in today, the reasons for my harmless desires changed and they became what they should not be. (Wanting to be married/have a family turned to wanting these things because then some people would really truly need me, and I would be "fulfilled." That's just plain wrong.) But that has helped me to see just a little more clearly now that I'm out of the pit.
Thanks to my God and a couple spectacular friends- I am doing much better tonight. I only hope I could be even half the friend that you two have been to me.
Much love,
Peace & Blessings
