WARNING, this has not been proofread, it is just a stream of my thoughts so I apologize for a lack of flow/coherence.
It's been a while.
Maybe it's because too much has been going on in my mind and in my heart, or maybe that I've been ignoring it (and writing a blog post means I have to start sorting things out…well, sort things out as I write). Maybe it's because I've been putting up a mask for a while now.
Sometimes it's easier to live that way. To give the right answers, to appear excited and eager so that there's no questioning of whether you're "in" or not, to be vulnerable and share the stuff that you've already numbed yourself to.
I haven't wanted to engage. Why? Because everything around me is changing, and I feel like I'm not. I feel stuck, like I'm just flitting around and that I'll never amount to anything, at least not the anything that the world wants/expects/respects. And all my life I've convinced myself that I didn't care about that, that I didn't care what other people think (at least not much), and for a long time I've even felt the need to distance myself from a lot of the "norms."
But guess what? I'm going to be really honest here.
I DO care what people think.
I am very self-conscious and 90% of the time I think I'm ugly. I worry I'm going bald because my hair is falling out at an alarming rate, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, I'm about to graduate from college and I'm still dealing with acne. I think there was a point that I was happy in my own skin, but now it's so different. Sometimes I think about eating very little for a week to lose some weight. Sometimes I want to work out too much to get all that fat off. Good thing that a) I love food too much to do that (also a problem because I run to food when I'm upset/stressed/bored/lonely), and b) I don't have enough time in my schedule to over-exercise. I have body image issues and I'm finally saying it.
I care what people think of my intelligence level. People wonder why I dropped the nursing program? I have to assure them that I excelled, but decided that I really did want to be a doctor- a surgeon- instead. People ask why I'm no longer on the pre-med track. I have to assure them that I could do it, but I just can't be in school that much longer, that I would go crazy. And now, when all my friends in professional schools are studying their butts off and I'm just reading for some GECs, I feel like I'm failing, like I'm failing at using my brain or at being a studious student or that I'm not worth as much now. I'm proud that I want to work with Habitat for Humanity/Americorps for a year because I know that I will love love love it. And I'm excited about seminary in a couple years. But until then, I feel so in-between and not useful. I'm terrified to be graduated (yet excited for the mental break- somewhat) because what if I lose all that I've learned…I regret the years of cramming. I regret not taking my classes more seriously. I've done well, to be sure…but I don't know. There's just a strange feeling about it. So, in review, I put much of my identity in my grades, my intelligence, and what people think of my plans for the future. Way too much of my identity rests on my transcript and on other people's opinions of me.
I feel like if I'm not in a leadership role in some capacity, that I'm doing something wrong. It's a pride thing. But it's also exhausting. And I get tired. And when I get this way, I have to cover with forged excitement (and to be fair, it's definitely not all forged. I am excited about team and Bama. It's some other stuff I guess). I think I forgot what it means to be a servant leader. Servant implies a lack of that selfish pride. Leader means not that you have it together, but that you're actively seeking to continue on the right track. I've been selfish. And inactive with seeking. But that is going to change.
Not only this stuff, but there's been a lot of insecurities that have come up in another area. I've realized in the last couple weeks that God is calling me out of relationships for about the next year- i.e. as long as I'm still under this apartment lease. And that is hard. Because right when I realize this, and I come to terms with this (grieve it), I realize that right now in my life that is one of the things I most desire. And to have that paired with the knowledge that right now is just not right, is killing me. I think about it every day. I think I'm at a point where I'm not mad at God about it and I'm not questioning as much anymore, but it's still hard to know that it's all a no-go. Especially because I am- and I hate admitting this- a romantic, and think that my "knight in shining armor"is just going to fly out of the blue someday and that will be it, that everything will be alright and that everything will make sense. So with this realization, that means no "sweeping off the feet" for a year. It's going to be hard to kill all those thoughts that have been there for years. But God has changed my thought life before, so I reckon He can change it again. To add to it, everybody and their mother is getting engaged and it's just digging it in more and more. (Not y'all's fault. I love that you're getting hitched! This is my personal problem.)
INTERRUPTING THOUGHT: I'm going to take this week to think before I speak, and make sure that I'm not about to talk myself up/show off with my words. I'm going to try to listen better and learn more about other people- take the focus off me, and put it on them. I am going to remember and try to believe every day that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and that God really made me just the way I'm supposed to be. I'm going to stop obsessing over my appearance and just take care of myself. I'm going to start realizing when I run to food to comfort me and pray/read/do something constructive instead. I'm going to focus more on school and learning from it rather than just doing an assignment just to get it done. I'm going to think about God pursuing my heart instead of a man doing the same. Which means finding my worth in Him, not in guys' approval. I'm going to take more time to be with my loving Savior. I am going to let it sink in that God is the one that can use me, can mold me, and can redeem all the mess I've made. I am going to meditate on the fact that he reached down and pulled me out of the mire- and continues to do so every time I fall again. I am going to be vulnerable about the hard stuff, the stuff that I'm not numbed to- the fresh stuff. I am going to take off my mask and stop trying to impress people every single second of my life.
And how am I going to do all this? Well to be honest, I cannot do it. Not alone. But through God…I can. WE can. HE can.
It's a daily thing. Really, it's all going to be stuff I'll need to be reminded of every minute, every waking second of my day.
It's time for me to change, too. Because change comes with action, not just sitting around waiting for something to happen.
A side-note: I just read a friend/pastor in the area's blog and one post really hit me- about the paralyzed man on the mat that was dropped through the ceiling so that Jesus could heal him. Basically, we have things that try to define us, that we are wrapped up in, things we feel like we can't escape because we've been with them so long…just like that man's mat. But Jesus doesn't want to just rid us of our mat. He wants to redeem it. He tells the man to "take up your mat and walk." The mat is no longer defining him, but it's also still with him. Not just rid, redeem. It just hit me again how much God loves us and wants to be with us and save us from what we are wrestling with- even though we are broken, awful people. He loves us unconditionally, passionately, unfailingly, jealously, just because we are His creation…and wow, isn't that beautiful. He is in the mess with us, working in our hearts to redeem all the bad stuff. Because after all our brokenness…and IN our brokenness…He still wants to USE us. I'm in awe. (You should read the actual blog post, much better worded than my paraphrasing).
Peace & Blessings
