Here are some things that have been wonderful reminders to me in the last few days:
1) "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20b
That is so personal. So loving. So comforting! We are never alone. God promises to be right with us, right by our sides always, all the way to the end. SURELY He is with us ALWAYS.
2) Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me.
I put this in the post before, but it's so good. Even when our life situation isn't the best, God is still good. That is pretty cool to know. We are anchored in truth, in love, in a God that never changes, never fails, and never stops loving on us. He REMAINS. He SUSTAINS.
3) Life and heart transformation is NOT something we can do- it's something that God does in us! AND, it comes from a lifestyle of humility!
God can combat my pride and selfishness and make me more aware of them so that we, God and I, can fight those together!
I think on Friday He helped me see this with a little slap in the face (that I dealt out) that made me realize how selfish and prideful (via another situation) I truly could be. It is an ugly part of me that I really do want to rid myself of.
4) God has a plan and we get to be a part of it!! (The subject of my second to last post, I believe.)
He can use us, and DOES use us, and wow is that a privilege! I feel like He's been giving me a lot of opportunities to talk with people, get to know them, and help get people plugged in recently and that is SO COOL!
5) I am loved. And if not on this earth, then always, unconditionally, and completely by my wonderful Father in heaven.
It has been crazy to really reflect back on this week and see the way that God has put people in my life that have been supporting me and loving me and really care how I'm doing. And God has provided so much truth to me in relatable ways through the rap/hip-hop group out of Portland, called Beautiful Eulogy. Their songs have blessed me in understanding God and His love more, and what being a Christian really means. Their words and thoughts have challenged me and I am so grateful for that.
6) I feel like the Church would be a lot more relatable and welcoming if we Christians weren't always so HAPPY all the time...
Let me explain, because this sounds counterintuitive. Today in church we talked about struggles (pain and suffering) and what these mean in our lives. We fill our lives many times with "things" so that we don't have to think about the pain around us or in us. But you know what? We are all, the entire earth, suffering through the brokenness together. TOGETHER. We should all have a place where we can talk about how sometimes, yeah, we're not doing okay. We're actually pretty beaten down and depressed. A lot of times I think as Christians we assume we have to be happy and have it all together. WE DON'T. We are suffering through the pain and brokenness of this world too. But I think people on the outside looking in think we think we're better than everything and that's why we act happy. I think if the church just came out and said, Yeah, we're struggling too! We get depressed sometimes, angry about things, we need to cry and yell too, that people would see that we're real too. I know that I (and I've heard from other Christians too) get intimidated by all the seemingly "happy and perfect" people milling around church on a Sunday. Sure, church is a happy time where we get to see everyone, but LET'S GET REAL. Let's deal with our things and I don't just mean on the inside.
Openness begets openness, so be open! Feel pain. Be sad. Let it out. And I think people will respect that. Not just respect, but relate to it.
The difference between Christians and people who do not believe (on the "happy" aspect) is that we as Christians know that right now, these sufferings are MEANINGFUL. Not for nothing, because we know that these sufferings promise a new world to come, like the pain of childbirth is bearable only because the mother knows that there is something good on the way- new life. We are comforted with peace, not only in the good times but in times of pain. We experience true joy, even when we are suffering. Peace and joy are not circumstantial- they are beyond that. Happiness and relaxedness are circumstantial.
7) Last one. As I was listening to the "slice of life" today (a personal testimony h2o church does before each sermon on Sundays), the girl shared how one of the staff shared the Gospel with her one day- and it changed her. It just HIT ME...people want this. They really want and crave the truth and love that is in Christ Jesus and His sacrifice. Not only do they want it, it changes everything. (**Not everyone wants it right now in this moment. But some do.)
I feel like God was really working on my heart with this one. Showing me that the Gospel isn't something that people are just tired of or scared of hearing...that it can really be wanted, that it can really do good. (I have no idea at all why I hadn't really known this before. I think God was getting it to a heart level knowing this time.) It is something that flips our lives around, takes everything we knew and asks, are you doing this for YOU? or for God? It challenges our pride, our selfishness, how we love people, how we live our daily lives.
In that moment sitting in the chair at church, I felt God show me His love. I felt Him showing me what it really looks like and the sheer power of His love and grace. Shattering my doubt. It all felt so real and perfect. I felt so loved.
Phew. There is more than this but I'm stopping here for the sake of you guys and I really need to study now...
Closing thought: Jesus. Is. Amazing.
Peace & Blessings
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Days like this.
It's days like today that I wonder if something really is wrong with me.
Like, how could I forget so easily what I had said I'd do? How could I mess up and not know how to make it right...how do things just fly out of my mind and make me so fickle?
Is it just me? I'm not doing these things on purpose. People say you'll remember things that are important to you....but that is not always true. Heck, I remember the moment I heard the Blue October song "Into the Ocean" for the first time like it was yesterday, but I can't remember to keep in touch with a friend. What.
And then the pride...I try to apologize but my pride is like, how can I make me sound not as awful of a person? I mean, I suppose there were things that prevented what should have happened...when really I should just shut up, be humble and say sorry without a "but" on the end. I make mistakes- DEAL WITH IT, SELF.
And so now I feel like I've thrown a glass at the ground and it's shattered into a thousand pieces and I just stare at it. My first thought is, throw some glue at it! Let's try the only way to fix it that I know how. But things take time and I have to deal with my mistake and give some time. I'm not patient. (I'm not proud of that either.)
I feel dark and gray and cold and beaten down. Hopeless at points. With this, with studying, with my walk with God, with my emotions, with the sad state of this campus...with how I act on a day to day basis that is so NOT representative of Jesus and His love. I make myself sick.
And here I am again; I thought I was done with this. With having those all-too-familiar moments of self-hate (do we all face this at some point?). And please don't get me wrong- not self-harm. NEVER self-harm. I hate what and who I am in this world, I hate that I can't change myself from the selfish, forgetful, fickle, annoying, fearful person I am. It's deep-seeded and it's overwhelming. I know that I'll crawl out of it eventually, every time, but it gets tiring facing it all.
And here now I'm going to put it out there...I always tell people my biggest fear is balding (I know, weird) or not living up to my full purpose. But right now it's not. As silly as it sounds to myself and most others, my biggest fear is that I have some sort of emotional-level problem (a very very mild bipolar disorder or something). This is hard for me to say. I have been dealing with my whole "all-or-nothing" mentality for the last year and a half now (dealing in a sense that I've just realized it, though I can see it back through most of my life) and I think that part of me is so desperate to have something to blame that on...that it's not my personality, it's some sort of a disorder...that I'd even consider something as drastic as that. I can't believe I'm even saying it. I think I treat this blog like a psychiatrist sometimes...
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me. [Beautiful Eulogy's "Anchor"]
But then I'm reminded of things like this, things like The Well on Thursday (that it isn't our own power that causes our life and heart transformation, but it is God and his mercy), things that show me that God is near and with me even in these dark moments, even when I'm not trusting Him well. Even when I am literally shaking because I don't know my next move. Even when I think I might be a little messed up or out of control.
But I WILL NOT BE PARALYZED THIS TIME. Not with fear, not with hopes of running away from all of it....I will run to God and He will comfort me. He will change me. He will give me confidence and hope that chases away all the fear I harbor inside the very fibers of my being. I will be honest and loving and hope that that makes a way for clarity and newness. I will love myself because God loves me. I will not participate in self-deprication unless it leads to true, Godly repentance.
This is my hope and my prayer. I'm thirsty for Your mercy.
Peace & Blessings
Like, how could I forget so easily what I had said I'd do? How could I mess up and not know how to make it right...how do things just fly out of my mind and make me so fickle?
Is it just me? I'm not doing these things on purpose. People say you'll remember things that are important to you....but that is not always true. Heck, I remember the moment I heard the Blue October song "Into the Ocean" for the first time like it was yesterday, but I can't remember to keep in touch with a friend. What.
And then the pride...I try to apologize but my pride is like, how can I make me sound not as awful of a person? I mean, I suppose there were things that prevented what should have happened...when really I should just shut up, be humble and say sorry without a "but" on the end. I make mistakes- DEAL WITH IT, SELF.
And so now I feel like I've thrown a glass at the ground and it's shattered into a thousand pieces and I just stare at it. My first thought is, throw some glue at it! Let's try the only way to fix it that I know how. But things take time and I have to deal with my mistake and give some time. I'm not patient. (I'm not proud of that either.)
I feel dark and gray and cold and beaten down. Hopeless at points. With this, with studying, with my walk with God, with my emotions, with the sad state of this campus...with how I act on a day to day basis that is so NOT representative of Jesus and His love. I make myself sick.
And here I am again; I thought I was done with this. With having those all-too-familiar moments of self-hate (do we all face this at some point?). And please don't get me wrong- not self-harm. NEVER self-harm. I hate what and who I am in this world, I hate that I can't change myself from the selfish, forgetful, fickle, annoying, fearful person I am. It's deep-seeded and it's overwhelming. I know that I'll crawl out of it eventually, every time, but it gets tiring facing it all.
And here now I'm going to put it out there...I always tell people my biggest fear is balding (I know, weird) or not living up to my full purpose. But right now it's not. As silly as it sounds to myself and most others, my biggest fear is that I have some sort of emotional-level problem (a very very mild bipolar disorder or something). This is hard for me to say. I have been dealing with my whole "all-or-nothing" mentality for the last year and a half now (dealing in a sense that I've just realized it, though I can see it back through most of my life) and I think that part of me is so desperate to have something to blame that on...that it's not my personality, it's some sort of a disorder...that I'd even consider something as drastic as that. I can't believe I'm even saying it. I think I treat this blog like a psychiatrist sometimes...
Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain...when I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain good to me, good to me. [Beautiful Eulogy's "Anchor"]
But then I'm reminded of things like this, things like The Well on Thursday (that it isn't our own power that causes our life and heart transformation, but it is God and his mercy), things that show me that God is near and with me even in these dark moments, even when I'm not trusting Him well. Even when I am literally shaking because I don't know my next move. Even when I think I might be a little messed up or out of control.
But I WILL NOT BE PARALYZED THIS TIME. Not with fear, not with hopes of running away from all of it....I will run to God and He will comfort me. He will change me. He will give me confidence and hope that chases away all the fear I harbor inside the very fibers of my being. I will be honest and loving and hope that that makes a way for clarity and newness. I will love myself because God loves me. I will not participate in self-deprication unless it leads to true, Godly repentance.
This is my hope and my prayer. I'm thirsty for Your mercy.
Peace & Blessings
Friday, November 1, 2013
We're a part of His will! HIS PERFECT WILL.
All of a sudden it just HIT me.
God has a good, pleasing, and perfect will, and I get to be a part of it!!!
Maybe it was glancing at a text and seeing only the words "perfect" and "will." Or maybe knowing that I decided to go with some plans for tonight but God had known that all along and was constructing something bigger than I could have known!
Maybe it's seeing the changes in other people's lives, in my own. Seeing that other people want to love people too, and are actively doing it. (Thank you to whatever Jewish society on campus was handing out free falafel on the Oval today - mmmm that hit the spot!) Maybe it's loving people for their potential rather than for the person they are acting out as. Maybe it's "doing life" with people around us...being involved with them, loving them, and sometimes feeling the love back.
And maybe, just maybe....it's getting the plank out of my own eye before I try to extract the splinter from others'.
All I know is that right now, I feel extremely loved and honored to be a part of whatever God has planned for my life, or even just the rest of my days left on this campus.
I want to love people right. I know I'm not doing that....God, help me to love them like You love them, see them as You see them, give them mercy and grace just as You gave me. Because as I keep finding out over and over, I'm not able to do it alone.
This right here is amazing. "Blessed Are The Merciful" by Beautiful Eulogy. Hits every part of me.
"Are you merciful? Why? Because Jesus healed the sick, because Jesus fed the multitudes, because Jesus gave legs to the crippled, because Jesus gave sight to the blind, because Jesus opened the ears of the deaf, because Jesus found prostitutes and tax collectors and drew them into the sphere of His love, because Jesus touched the untouchable and loved the unlovable and forgave the unforgivable and welcomed the undesirable, because Jesus even now saves the otherwise un-saveable...Why? Because they deserve it?! When the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared He saved us, not because of works done in righteousness, not because we met Him half-way, not because we took the proper steps forward and in good faith have elevated ourselves to the place of the undeserving poor, but according to His MERCY....
We are here because Jesus Christ didn't say with cold indifference, 'Give them what they deserve, they brought it on themselves.' Jesus Christ IS the mercy of God. And seeing us in our misery and need, He doesn't just feel for us, He takes the necessary action to relieve our distress. He leaves the eternal glory of heaven and the perfect fellowship of the Trinity, He condescends TO us, lives AMONG us, suffers LIKE us, dies FOR us! Do you understand this? Have you EXPERIENCED this? How then is it possible to experience it, and not display it? IT ISN'T POSSIBLE! You haven't experienced it if you don't display it! The evidence of God's mercy in your life isn't determined by how much theology you know, by how many books you read, but by your ACTIVE GOODNESS to people in misery and in need. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy."
To whomever is reading this: please go download Beautiful Eulogy's albums on NoiseTrade.com and take a listen. The lyrics are powerful and Gospel-focused. They're challenging. They're...beautiful. Praise God for their talent.
God, open my eyes, fill my heart and remind me of why I'm here...to love You and to love others, to love them enough to want them to be with You too...
Peace & Blessings
God has a good, pleasing, and perfect will, and I get to be a part of it!!!
Maybe it was glancing at a text and seeing only the words "perfect" and "will." Or maybe knowing that I decided to go with some plans for tonight but God had known that all along and was constructing something bigger than I could have known!
Maybe it's seeing the changes in other people's lives, in my own. Seeing that other people want to love people too, and are actively doing it. (Thank you to whatever Jewish society on campus was handing out free falafel on the Oval today - mmmm that hit the spot!) Maybe it's loving people for their potential rather than for the person they are acting out as. Maybe it's "doing life" with people around us...being involved with them, loving them, and sometimes feeling the love back.
And maybe, just maybe....it's getting the plank out of my own eye before I try to extract the splinter from others'.
All I know is that right now, I feel extremely loved and honored to be a part of whatever God has planned for my life, or even just the rest of my days left on this campus.
I want to love people right. I know I'm not doing that....God, help me to love them like You love them, see them as You see them, give them mercy and grace just as You gave me. Because as I keep finding out over and over, I'm not able to do it alone.
This right here is amazing. "Blessed Are The Merciful" by Beautiful Eulogy. Hits every part of me.
"Are you merciful? Why? Because Jesus healed the sick, because Jesus fed the multitudes, because Jesus gave legs to the crippled, because Jesus gave sight to the blind, because Jesus opened the ears of the deaf, because Jesus found prostitutes and tax collectors and drew them into the sphere of His love, because Jesus touched the untouchable and loved the unlovable and forgave the unforgivable and welcomed the undesirable, because Jesus even now saves the otherwise un-saveable...Why? Because they deserve it?! When the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared He saved us, not because of works done in righteousness, not because we met Him half-way, not because we took the proper steps forward and in good faith have elevated ourselves to the place of the undeserving poor, but according to His MERCY....
We are here because Jesus Christ didn't say with cold indifference, 'Give them what they deserve, they brought it on themselves.' Jesus Christ IS the mercy of God. And seeing us in our misery and need, He doesn't just feel for us, He takes the necessary action to relieve our distress. He leaves the eternal glory of heaven and the perfect fellowship of the Trinity, He condescends TO us, lives AMONG us, suffers LIKE us, dies FOR us! Do you understand this? Have you EXPERIENCED this? How then is it possible to experience it, and not display it? IT ISN'T POSSIBLE! You haven't experienced it if you don't display it! The evidence of God's mercy in your life isn't determined by how much theology you know, by how many books you read, but by your ACTIVE GOODNESS to people in misery and in need. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy."
To whomever is reading this: please go download Beautiful Eulogy's albums on NoiseTrade.com and take a listen. The lyrics are powerful and Gospel-focused. They're challenging. They're...beautiful. Praise God for their talent.
God, open my eyes, fill my heart and remind me of why I'm here...to love You and to love others, to love them enough to want them to be with You too...
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, October 17, 2013
"The Flood" was not yet over.
I mentioned "the flood" in the last post. Thought it was over, but this weekend proved otherwise.
I'd like to start with the fact that I'm fine. I'm really okay and that is a relief. I know God must have a lot to do with that.
Sunday, the day of my baptism, came with a huge realization (thanks to God, and some mixed communication the night before): where I was putting my identity was quickly slipping away from God and into my relationship, into my pride, into other people. I begged and pleaded that morning for God to change me, to show me how to keep my identity and self God-focused instead of world-focused. I asked for comfort, because I was welling up with worry and fear of the unknown; the distance between my then-boyfriend and I, that we'd both felt, that he'd been thinking about, that we needed to talk about... My emotions were everywhere, for I don't think I've quite learned how to control all of them again.
I got baptized, though feeling incredibly challenged. I was hurting, but I think God knew that it was coming at a good time. I needed to be able to choose Him in the good and the bad times. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, or that right now still isn't hard. But I can rest in the fact that God is always near me and looking out for me, even when I don't feel Him. That's faith, I suppose.
Right after the baptism I came home to an empty apartment, thinking to work on my paper (hadn't started, due Tuesday...). A panic attack ensued, tangled with an onslaught of tears and choking sobs. I was in pain, my mind and my heart were in pain and as much as I knew that something was wrong, that something painful was on its way, I couldn't do a thing about it. I cried out to God, asking for some sense of peace, some reasoning behind all this. I didn't feel a direct answer, per se, but the song that was playing (and had been stuck in my head all morning), was calling me towards what God was asking of me:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves,
when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
for I am Yours, and You are mine
["Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)," Hillsong United]
Talk about real faith. This broke me down in service that morning too. I want that. I want that real faith, growing faith, that cultivates my trust into one "without borders," where I rest in God and His promises even when I feel like I'm about to drown (i.e., that afternoon).
After the attack, I was so worn out emotionally and mentally that I stopped thinking about it for the most part.
We broke it off that night. Amicably, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rough. We'd rushed into it too fast, completely skipping the oh-so-important friendship phase. It was just a step back, back to see how friendship would go, and not a failure, as I was so temped to look at it as. He told me not to shut off my emotions this time, not to numb myself like I am so prone to do. I said that I didn't know how to do that, which is true; I have no idea. Prayer, asking God is really the only answer I think. I didn't mean to shut them off last time, but it was so hard turning them back on, quite painful really. I don't want to experience that again, or lose them again (as rotten as they can be, they are necessary and can be truly beautiful).
So, you might ask, what was the point of the relationship at all? Well, like I said in my last post, I think we both grew a ton. I know I grew a lot closer to God, got into and really enjoyed His Word, was challenged with pride and my skewed priorities, and then lastly where I was putting my identity. (Looking back, I did ask for God to wreck me and leave only Him...so I suppose it was partially my fault...) With my and God's help, he dug out of a long-time struggle and was able to see it clearly for the first time ever. That was huge.
Who knows if we'll get back together; but I do know that what happened was meant to be. If no relationship follows, I sincerely hope we are able to continue friendship (which I'm still trying to learn what that even looks like; "being casual" is a foreign concept to me). God knows what He's doing, I don't question that (well, most of the time don't question it).
That, my friends, was one heck of a flood. Though I didn't always feel Him with me this struggle-bus weekend, I took (and take) comfort in the fact that He cared for me enough to warn me that hard times were ahead: "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." He's there and He loves me, and I think that's a huge chunk of all I need to know about Him.
Yes, my blog posts are always a million pages long. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS/THOUGHTS, OKAY? :)
Peace & Blessings
I'd like to start with the fact that I'm fine. I'm really okay and that is a relief. I know God must have a lot to do with that.
Sunday, the day of my baptism, came with a huge realization (thanks to God, and some mixed communication the night before): where I was putting my identity was quickly slipping away from God and into my relationship, into my pride, into other people. I begged and pleaded that morning for God to change me, to show me how to keep my identity and self God-focused instead of world-focused. I asked for comfort, because I was welling up with worry and fear of the unknown; the distance between my then-boyfriend and I, that we'd both felt, that he'd been thinking about, that we needed to talk about... My emotions were everywhere, for I don't think I've quite learned how to control all of them again.
I got baptized, though feeling incredibly challenged. I was hurting, but I think God knew that it was coming at a good time. I needed to be able to choose Him in the good and the bad times. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, or that right now still isn't hard. But I can rest in the fact that God is always near me and looking out for me, even when I don't feel Him. That's faith, I suppose.
Right after the baptism I came home to an empty apartment, thinking to work on my paper (hadn't started, due Tuesday...). A panic attack ensued, tangled with an onslaught of tears and choking sobs. I was in pain, my mind and my heart were in pain and as much as I knew that something was wrong, that something painful was on its way, I couldn't do a thing about it. I cried out to God, asking for some sense of peace, some reasoning behind all this. I didn't feel a direct answer, per se, but the song that was playing (and had been stuck in my head all morning), was calling me towards what God was asking of me:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves,
when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
for I am Yours, and You are mine
["Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)," Hillsong United]
Talk about real faith. This broke me down in service that morning too. I want that. I want that real faith, growing faith, that cultivates my trust into one "without borders," where I rest in God and His promises even when I feel like I'm about to drown (i.e., that afternoon).
After the attack, I was so worn out emotionally and mentally that I stopped thinking about it for the most part.
We broke it off that night. Amicably, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rough. We'd rushed into it too fast, completely skipping the oh-so-important friendship phase. It was just a step back, back to see how friendship would go, and not a failure, as I was so temped to look at it as. He told me not to shut off my emotions this time, not to numb myself like I am so prone to do. I said that I didn't know how to do that, which is true; I have no idea. Prayer, asking God is really the only answer I think. I didn't mean to shut them off last time, but it was so hard turning them back on, quite painful really. I don't want to experience that again, or lose them again (as rotten as they can be, they are necessary and can be truly beautiful).
So, you might ask, what was the point of the relationship at all? Well, like I said in my last post, I think we both grew a ton. I know I grew a lot closer to God, got into and really enjoyed His Word, was challenged with pride and my skewed priorities, and then lastly where I was putting my identity. (Looking back, I did ask for God to wreck me and leave only Him...so I suppose it was partially my fault...) With my and God's help, he dug out of a long-time struggle and was able to see it clearly for the first time ever. That was huge.
Who knows if we'll get back together; but I do know that what happened was meant to be. If no relationship follows, I sincerely hope we are able to continue friendship (which I'm still trying to learn what that even looks like; "being casual" is a foreign concept to me). God knows what He's doing, I don't question that (well, most of the time don't question it).
That, my friends, was one heck of a flood. Though I didn't always feel Him with me this struggle-bus weekend, I took (and take) comfort in the fact that He cared for me enough to warn me that hard times were ahead: "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." He's there and He loves me, and I think that's a huge chunk of all I need to know about Him.
Yes, my blog posts are always a million pages long. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS/THOUGHTS, OKAY? :)
Peace & Blessings
Friday, October 11, 2013
So much love. So much good!
These last few weeks have been absolutely crazy. Crazy amazing.
Two and a half weeks ago I decided to get baptized (this Sunday!! Ahhh!). Since then, I have felt so much closer to God than I have in so long. I have felt His love and maybe even felt His calling for my life (now considering seminary after I graduate, and after that...long term mission work. The "where" isn't something I feel absolutely clear on right now).
Two weeks ago, I began dating a wonderful man I'd met through h2o. Though the whole thing was very fast, I feel like God has brought us through these last two weeks and really grown us (I know I was definitely grown a lot, as you'll see below, as well as in many other aspects). I so appreciate that He is a leader to me, especially in my relationship with God. We've read through the Gospels Mark and Luke and God has shown him and I so many things through His life and His words here on this earth. It's an absolutely beautiful picture of love, mercy, forgiveness, and discipleship. Crazy how it all applies even now in this day and age!
Last weekend, I felt Him tell me, "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." Of course, I had no idea what the flood was, though I'm pretty sure I figured it out later that day and the next. It was feelings. I realized that for so long I'd felt numb to a lot of things: my past, just because I'd talked about it so many times that I guess I'd just decided that I couldn't let it affect me anymore; romantic feelings, partly because I'd felt that God was not calling me into any relationships for the past couple years, which was really frustrating to me, at least at first; and then just feelings in general - I felt like I could never decipher what was true and what my mind was trying to convince me of, so I just gave up and decided it was all nothing. But being in a relationship now meant that I had to at least be aware of what I was feeling. And all of a sudden, it crashed on top of me; I felt like I was drowning and couldn't take it anymore. I realized this week that probably my fear of commitment, as little as just starting dating may be, just shut down all feelings I had. I think my mind and heart has realized that this is the new normal now, and I can't ignore feelings because of fear. I'm finally adjusting, and I am very happy.
God has continued this trend of blessings since I last wrote about it specifically. I have felt so incredibly blessed these last few weeks especially. I am so excited for the future! But trying to make the most of where God has me now ("Until then I'll remain where you have me, with joy when I feel unhappy," Beautiful Eulogy). Still wrestling with PRIDE and trying to be the best at everything (I am second!!).
Until next,
Peace & Blessings
Two and a half weeks ago I decided to get baptized (this Sunday!! Ahhh!). Since then, I have felt so much closer to God than I have in so long. I have felt His love and maybe even felt His calling for my life (now considering seminary after I graduate, and after that...long term mission work. The "where" isn't something I feel absolutely clear on right now).
Two weeks ago, I began dating a wonderful man I'd met through h2o. Though the whole thing was very fast, I feel like God has brought us through these last two weeks and really grown us (I know I was definitely grown a lot, as you'll see below, as well as in many other aspects). I so appreciate that He is a leader to me, especially in my relationship with God. We've read through the Gospels Mark and Luke and God has shown him and I so many things through His life and His words here on this earth. It's an absolutely beautiful picture of love, mercy, forgiveness, and discipleship. Crazy how it all applies even now in this day and age!
Last weekend, I felt Him tell me, "Prepare yourself, the flood is coming." Of course, I had no idea what the flood was, though I'm pretty sure I figured it out later that day and the next. It was feelings. I realized that for so long I'd felt numb to a lot of things: my past, just because I'd talked about it so many times that I guess I'd just decided that I couldn't let it affect me anymore; romantic feelings, partly because I'd felt that God was not calling me into any relationships for the past couple years, which was really frustrating to me, at least at first; and then just feelings in general - I felt like I could never decipher what was true and what my mind was trying to convince me of, so I just gave up and decided it was all nothing. But being in a relationship now meant that I had to at least be aware of what I was feeling. And all of a sudden, it crashed on top of me; I felt like I was drowning and couldn't take it anymore. I realized this week that probably my fear of commitment, as little as just starting dating may be, just shut down all feelings I had. I think my mind and heart has realized that this is the new normal now, and I can't ignore feelings because of fear. I'm finally adjusting, and I am very happy.
God has continued this trend of blessings since I last wrote about it specifically. I have felt so incredibly blessed these last few weeks especially. I am so excited for the future! But trying to make the most of where God has me now ("Until then I'll remain where you have me, with joy when I feel unhappy," Beautiful Eulogy). Still wrestling with PRIDE and trying to be the best at everything (I am second!!).
Until next,
Peace & Blessings
Thursday, September 26, 2013
It's time to put Faith before Fear!
I'm getting baptized!! Decided that Tuesday morning when I finally asked myself why I was putting everything off. The rest will explain :) I'll be reading [some of] this at my baptism. (Not all of it, because I think that would take a year...)
"Of this I'm sure, the past don't own us anymore."
I grew up in the church, surrounded by a loving family of believers that was reflected at home. From a young age, I can remember the church being a second home to me and absolutely loving the people there. My younger sister and I prayed with my mom or dad every night, and I still remember how we always started: "Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for all we have, and please be with those who are less fortunate than us," followed by whatever else we wanted to tell or ask Him that night. Other than that, my elementary school and middle school years never reflected my beliefs, other than feeling I needed to be a "good Christian girl" who followed the rules and always did her best.
Doing my best turned into a feeling that I had to be the best, a performance-driven attitude that has plagued my academic, social, and spiritual lives since then and still does. I didn't only need to succeed, I needed to do it perfectly and better than everyone else. And if I didn't, I was hard on myself.
But, I think in high school I finally started to understand what following God was all about. I remember a period throughout my junior/senior years where I was reading the Bible, praying, and journaling every night. I was asking God to change me, and He was incredibly faithful. I saw my thought life changing, my priorities shifting, and I had quite literally never felt so refreshed and happy in my life. But then it was gone. My best guess is that, on the inside, I was terrified about where these changes were taking me, and I decided to back out. This happened over and over up until this point, and afterwards for years. On again, off again was my relationship with God and every time I fell away I felt more and more ashamed. My thoughts were, why can't I keep this up? Why do I keep falling away, being so fickle? And isn't God going to get tired of all this back and forth, and just give up on me? I mean, I would...
This thought pattern has followed me for years and as much as I knew in my mind that God would never give up on me, I was scared in my heart that I could mess up bad enough that He would just leave. During my summer at LT after my freshman year at OSU, things started to become clear. By thinking that maybe God could give up on me, and that I had to pull all the weight in my relationship with God to keep it from "going under," I was shown how much I did not know about God's character and how little I trusted Him. I remember giving over everything to Him after an immense amount of struggling and feeling my heart torn between my worldly desires and my need for God. But of course, coming back to campus revealed a stark contrast between how I'd hoped to live for God and how the world wanted me to live, at least while in college.
I've allowed my pride, performance-driven attitude, and skewed priorities to rule my life since then. I've continued to fight a battle between giving it all to God and knowing that could mean drastic changes to my life now and my future, and giving up on all that and just doing what's easy now, namely focusing on classes and the petty, selfish things that can make up much of our lives. The easy has mostly won, until this past summer made me see a little straighter.
This summer was an immense help to figuring out where I stand now. I was initially challenged with my own admission of "grades are the only thing I can't give over to God," prompted by Kathy Borsos' difficult questions I secretly had no interest in hearing. The community and strong support of faithful women in my summer small group made me question how I was living day to day, with little to no time with God. I was confronted with the realization that I was terrified of what a commitment to God could mean for my life, terrified enough to let it hold me back from what I knew my whole self was yearning for - a lifelong walk with Jesus.
As my mom would say, I've been stalling. I keep thinking that there is something there that is keeping me from God and His love, but I know it can't be Him: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:38-39. I finally saw that what was standing between God and I...was me. Me and my fear. And suddenly I was done, done with being scared, done with running from the only one who loves me unconditionally and more than I could ever imagine. He must have uncovered my eyes to let me know this, because for so long I've been stuck.
I've spent most of my spiritual life letting fear rule, and I think it's finally time for faith to take it's place. I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, that He will never leave me or stop loving me, and guess what? He knows that I'm going to continually fall short of perfection and knew that long before He died for me on that cross. And you know what else? He would have loved me just the same if I'd never even acknowledged Him. If I hated Him. If I were to never believe. I think that's someone more than worth trusting, worth putting my faith in. I believe He has a better plan for my life, even if it flips everything I have upside down. And now, because He's brought me to a place where I don't have to be scared any more, I've decided to be baptized! I know that this isn't going to make my life any easier or any less of a struggle between worldly desires and spiritual ones, but I'll know that there is a wonderful being that I can always count on for help. It doesn't mean I'm not going to fail, it means I'm going to know that there's still grace and love and forgiveness for me when I fall short. It doesn't mean that I'm magically going to know what I'm doing after I graduate, but it means that I will serve Him in whatever I end up doing. It means I no longer have to be scared. And that is something to smile about. :)
Peace & Blessings
"Of this I'm sure, the past don't own us anymore."
I grew up in the church, surrounded by a loving family of believers that was reflected at home. From a young age, I can remember the church being a second home to me and absolutely loving the people there. My younger sister and I prayed with my mom or dad every night, and I still remember how we always started: "Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for all we have, and please be with those who are less fortunate than us," followed by whatever else we wanted to tell or ask Him that night. Other than that, my elementary school and middle school years never reflected my beliefs, other than feeling I needed to be a "good Christian girl" who followed the rules and always did her best.
Doing my best turned into a feeling that I had to be the best, a performance-driven attitude that has plagued my academic, social, and spiritual lives since then and still does. I didn't only need to succeed, I needed to do it perfectly and better than everyone else. And if I didn't, I was hard on myself.
But, I think in high school I finally started to understand what following God was all about. I remember a period throughout my junior/senior years where I was reading the Bible, praying, and journaling every night. I was asking God to change me, and He was incredibly faithful. I saw my thought life changing, my priorities shifting, and I had quite literally never felt so refreshed and happy in my life. But then it was gone. My best guess is that, on the inside, I was terrified about where these changes were taking me, and I decided to back out. This happened over and over up until this point, and afterwards for years. On again, off again was my relationship with God and every time I fell away I felt more and more ashamed. My thoughts were, why can't I keep this up? Why do I keep falling away, being so fickle? And isn't God going to get tired of all this back and forth, and just give up on me? I mean, I would...
This thought pattern has followed me for years and as much as I knew in my mind that God would never give up on me, I was scared in my heart that I could mess up bad enough that He would just leave. During my summer at LT after my freshman year at OSU, things started to become clear. By thinking that maybe God could give up on me, and that I had to pull all the weight in my relationship with God to keep it from "going under," I was shown how much I did not know about God's character and how little I trusted Him. I remember giving over everything to Him after an immense amount of struggling and feeling my heart torn between my worldly desires and my need for God. But of course, coming back to campus revealed a stark contrast between how I'd hoped to live for God and how the world wanted me to live, at least while in college.
I've allowed my pride, performance-driven attitude, and skewed priorities to rule my life since then. I've continued to fight a battle between giving it all to God and knowing that could mean drastic changes to my life now and my future, and giving up on all that and just doing what's easy now, namely focusing on classes and the petty, selfish things that can make up much of our lives. The easy has mostly won, until this past summer made me see a little straighter.
This summer was an immense help to figuring out where I stand now. I was initially challenged with my own admission of "grades are the only thing I can't give over to God," prompted by Kathy Borsos' difficult questions I secretly had no interest in hearing. The community and strong support of faithful women in my summer small group made me question how I was living day to day, with little to no time with God. I was confronted with the realization that I was terrified of what a commitment to God could mean for my life, terrified enough to let it hold me back from what I knew my whole self was yearning for - a lifelong walk with Jesus.
As my mom would say, I've been stalling. I keep thinking that there is something there that is keeping me from God and His love, but I know it can't be Him: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:38-39. I finally saw that what was standing between God and I...was me. Me and my fear. And suddenly I was done, done with being scared, done with running from the only one who loves me unconditionally and more than I could ever imagine. He must have uncovered my eyes to let me know this, because for so long I've been stuck.
I've spent most of my spiritual life letting fear rule, and I think it's finally time for faith to take it's place. I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, that He will never leave me or stop loving me, and guess what? He knows that I'm going to continually fall short of perfection and knew that long before He died for me on that cross. And you know what else? He would have loved me just the same if I'd never even acknowledged Him. If I hated Him. If I were to never believe. I think that's someone more than worth trusting, worth putting my faith in. I believe He has a better plan for my life, even if it flips everything I have upside down. And now, because He's brought me to a place where I don't have to be scared any more, I've decided to be baptized! I know that this isn't going to make my life any easier or any less of a struggle between worldly desires and spiritual ones, but I'll know that there is a wonderful being that I can always count on for help. It doesn't mean I'm not going to fail, it means I'm going to know that there's still grace and love and forgiveness for me when I fall short. It doesn't mean that I'm magically going to know what I'm doing after I graduate, but it means that I will serve Him in whatever I end up doing. It means I no longer have to be scared. And that is something to smile about. :)
Peace & Blessings
Monday, September 23, 2013
Open letter: struggles
An open letter:
to God.
I have not been faithful. I have not trusted in your wonder and absolute perfection like I should...like I want to. I crave you, I crave to know you. My body, mind, and heart aches to know you more, to know your plan for my life.
But God, I am drowning. I don't feel useful, or worthy, or good enough for anything, especially not you. And it is true that I could never live up to your perfect standards...but I know the next part, the grace and mercy and that you sent your son to die in our place so now we are perfect in your eyes, yet I still feel like I'm the worst Christian out there. I know comparison kills, but hey we humans do a lot of things that kill.
I'm scared to "dive in" because 1) that may mean changing my plans, a LOT, and 2) well frankly, I don't even know what "diving in" means or looks like. And I think that's why I'm so terrified/turned off to baptism. I don't want to say I'm committing and then fail again.
"Of this I'm sure: the past don't own us anymore." This line just came up in a song right when I was typing the last sentence. Wow. That couldn't have been anything but YOU showing me that you've forgotten things of the past, so shouldn't I too? Or, at least, you've forgotten the sin. Wiped it away. I keep feeling like I'm going to fail you, to let you down. I have to remind myself that you don't even need me, so I can't let you down. Plus, you know I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm needy. For goodness' sake, you made me that way!!!
You have loved me and I have fought back with all I have.
You have called to me, and I have ignored.
You've forgiven me, yet I still blame you for things of this world.
You've held me in the palm of your hand and taken care of me, but I've climbed out of your hands and tried to do it on my own.
You've listened to my every plea, I've looked past those you've told me to love.
I'm stuck in between two attitudes: one of being broken and dealing with my own iniquities, or one of resting in the knowledge that I am your daughter, a princess in your eyes. And in typing this, I've just realized I don't think I've every truly rested in the latter. I am constantly focused on how I'm not good enough for you, how I have so far to go before I can deserve to be close with you, before I can be deserving of a man after your heart...and I just feel like I will never reach that point. I don't know why or how I can just look past the truth that says that that is EXACTLY what the cross was for. I want to make that jump completely. I want to be there with you, God!
Amen
Peace & Blessings
to God.
I have not been faithful. I have not trusted in your wonder and absolute perfection like I should...like I want to. I crave you, I crave to know you. My body, mind, and heart aches to know you more, to know your plan for my life.
But God, I am drowning. I don't feel useful, or worthy, or good enough for anything, especially not you. And it is true that I could never live up to your perfect standards...but I know the next part, the grace and mercy and that you sent your son to die in our place so now we are perfect in your eyes, yet I still feel like I'm the worst Christian out there. I know comparison kills, but hey we humans do a lot of things that kill.
I'm scared to "dive in" because 1) that may mean changing my plans, a LOT, and 2) well frankly, I don't even know what "diving in" means or looks like. And I think that's why I'm so terrified/turned off to baptism. I don't want to say I'm committing and then fail again.
"Of this I'm sure: the past don't own us anymore." This line just came up in a song right when I was typing the last sentence. Wow. That couldn't have been anything but YOU showing me that you've forgotten things of the past, so shouldn't I too? Or, at least, you've forgotten the sin. Wiped it away. I keep feeling like I'm going to fail you, to let you down. I have to remind myself that you don't even need me, so I can't let you down. Plus, you know I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm needy. For goodness' sake, you made me that way!!!
You have loved me and I have fought back with all I have.
You have called to me, and I have ignored.
You've forgiven me, yet I still blame you for things of this world.
You've held me in the palm of your hand and taken care of me, but I've climbed out of your hands and tried to do it on my own.
You've listened to my every plea, I've looked past those you've told me to love.
I'm stuck in between two attitudes: one of being broken and dealing with my own iniquities, or one of resting in the knowledge that I am your daughter, a princess in your eyes. And in typing this, I've just realized I don't think I've every truly rested in the latter. I am constantly focused on how I'm not good enough for you, how I have so far to go before I can deserve to be close with you, before I can be deserving of a man after your heart...and I just feel like I will never reach that point. I don't know why or how I can just look past the truth that says that that is EXACTLY what the cross was for. I want to make that jump completely. I want to be there with you, God!
Amen
Peace & Blessings
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